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Original poster

Am I being high maintenance?

97 replies

nutella202 · 01/12/2020 09:53

I've been dating someone for about 5/6 weeks now. It's been pretty slow because were both busy and I'm not one to see someone new constantly.

Last time we saw each other we slept together and we were messaging a lot and he made a lot of interest in the week after. I didn't hear from him for a couple days then he messaged me last week to make arrangements for a date for a couple weeks for some specific activity and said do you want to meet this weekend, I was busy Saturday he Friday so we said let's do Sunday. Sunday comes and I hadn't heard off him so I said are we still meeting and he said can we postpone I'm feeling lazy. I replied with a thumbs up and he said in a jokey way wow don't be harsh and I said what would you prefer I respond and he said something like ok cool no worries so I responded sarcastically saying I'm sorry to hear you are feeling lazy and he said I know sorry it's a shit excuse I just feel tired can I message you if I feel less tired later and I basically no thanks let's just leave it, in a tone that said I wasn't taking shit but I wasn't really arsey either I made a joke, and now it appears he's seen him arse as he hasn't messaged me. One of my friends said he's probably pissed off as sometimes people are tired. Should I just bin off this man child or is it not a big deal? To me if you've only been dating a few weeks that sends a message you're not that interested right?

OP posts:
seensome · 01/12/2020 10:54

I agree these things happen but if it was me I'd offer a concrete alternative to let them know I was still interested

Exactly, you'd say I'm really sorry but I'm just too tired today, would you mind if we could arrange a date next weekend

CatherineSanderson · 01/12/2020 10:56

BUT HE DIDN'T MESSAGE OP. She had to message him to see if they were still on.

Exactly, and then HE wasn't happy with HER response to him saying he didn't want to. Even though she was fine with it - he thought she should have replied differently.

THAT'S where my criticism comes from, not simply from the fact that he wasn't up for it that day.

MacbookHo · 01/12/2020 11:20

And it was me who had to message him

If a guy isn’t confirming plans, he’s either not bothered or excited about them, or he’s trying to put you into the position of leader/chaser.

I’d avoid saying yes to a vague suggestion like, “Let’s meet on Sunday.” Because then you’ve set aside an entire DAY around one date that may or may not even happen. Be non-commmital until you’ve agreed on an actual venue, day and time. If you say, “Drinks on Sunday sound great. Where and when?” and he stalls or fudges, you get forewarning that he’s probably going to cancel. Let him firm it up by the day before. If it gets to the day and he hasn’t made a plan then, again, he’s really not bothered about it. No man who really likes a woman is ever vague about seeing her. They like it nailed down.

“Sunday for drinks” isn’t a date, it’s a concept. “Sunday, at 7pm at The Three Cocks” is a date. Then you don’t have to confirm on the day, you can just turn up. And if he stands you up, you know for sure he’s also a cock, and can forget him.

Original poster
nutella202 · 01/12/2020 11:31

@MacbookHo that's really good advice thank you. You're right, In fact it was just him saying let's hang out Sunday and then didn't chase it up or bother to re arrange. I'll definitely keep that advice in mind because I did set aside the day which I shouldn't have done

OP posts:
Freshprincess12 · 01/12/2020 11:45

The thing is in this day and age, most men seem to ghost or block. I read the op as he agreed on a date/activity for Sunday as both were busy on the other days which I would see as a good sign. Perhaps he wanted the op to elaborate on when they could meet again and because of the thumbs up took it as a sign she wasnt bothered anyway. Just giving him the benefit of doubt. Least he didnt just ghost or block

Derbee · 01/12/2020 11:59

I think it’s fine that he didn’t feel like meeting up on the Sunday. But he should have made plans for an alternative, and he was a wanker to start making an issue out of any of your replies.

I don’t think new relationships should be hard work. It should just be fun

Sidge · 01/12/2020 12:01

I’m a lot older than you and I’ve developed a mantra since dating. Which is “Fuck that shit”.

I’ve met too many flakes. If someone’s keen to see you they make an effort and make firmer plans.

I spent a few days wasted waiting to see if a guy would confirm tentative plans, only to be told exactly the same as you - oh I’m too tired, or can we maybe see how I feel later? Hence - fuck that shit. I don’t do it any more. You either want to see me, or you don’t. I’m not hanging around to see if you get a better offer, or if you can be arsed. I want to feel like I’m a priority.

Bin him off, the early weeks should be so exciting that you can’t wait to see each other again. Not be a postponed booty call.

Original poster
nutella202 · 01/12/2020 12:05

Is that the standard nowadays? That at least he didn't ghost or block. I just don't think just because someone didn't do something shitty that means they can be excused for being lazy when he asked me to meet and couldn't even be bothered to say he didn't feel like meeting that morning. Maybe I do have too high standards but I feel like the basic etiquette is too either follow up with an alternative or at least let me know rather than waiting for me to reach out

OP posts:
mindutopia · 01/12/2020 12:32

I don't think you're being high maintenance, but I tend to see the thumbs up emoji as a bit passive aggressive. It's a bit like saying 'sure, okay' followed by an eye roll in real life, if you see what I mean. Where I see people use it, it means, yes, fine but not really. So it sounds like he may have interpreted your response as you being annoyed. Which you may well have been. I think it's fine to not want to meet up with someone, especially if you both had plans the rest of the weekend (he may well have been tired), but it was rude not to be in touch first to re-schedule.

Freshprincess12 · 01/12/2020 13:00

@mindutopia

Thats the point I was trying to make as well. If it was the other way round and you received a thumbs up sign. That would really bug me. Its seen as a "whatever" for me. I find it quite rude.
He might think that you didnt seem that interested anyway hence why he suggested to meet up later.

Original poster
nutella202 · 01/12/2020 13:05

I can see that. But that's his messaging style as well, we've never sent long messages just to quick one line ones. And to be honest I was annoyed that he didn't bother to let me know and then his reason was I'm feeling lazy. Bye @Freshprincess12 I'm not having a go by any means it's interesting to get your perspective! I think the context is this guy seems like a bit of a player and every time we've met he's been late, I just felt a bit like this is too much messing round this early on

OP posts:
Original poster
nutella202 · 01/12/2020 13:06

Didn't mean to say bye I meant btw! @Freshprincess12

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 01/12/2020 13:11

I think the context is this guy seems like a bit of a player and every time we've met he's been late, I just felt a bit like this is too much messing round this early on

You're right. Far too much messing about. Keep your standards high, and you won't be prey to fuckboys like this one.

FizzyPink · 01/12/2020 13:14

My friend was dating someone like this. He had a bad day so didn’t fancy turning up to her birthday party, then was too tired to meet countless other times. I have no idea why she let it drag on for so long when he clearly wasn’t interested and had more issues than is worth dealing with.

I’d bin him off OP and find someone interested in seeing you

TwentyViginti · 01/12/2020 13:16

@Freshprincess12

The thing is in this day and age, most men seem to ghost or block. I read the op as he agreed on a date/activity for Sunday as both were busy on the other days which I would see as a good sign. Perhaps he wanted the op to elaborate on when they could meet again and because of the thumbs up took it as a sign she wasnt bothered anyway. Just giving him the benefit of doubt. Least he didnt just ghost or block
You're falling over yourself here, trying to explain away this man's shoddy behaviour.
LaceyBetty · 01/12/2020 13:20

Too much trouble for a few weeks in. I would not like his initial response at all. The response itself was lazy! Sign of things to come. He's literally telling you he is lazy and you should pay attention.

LaceyBetty · 01/12/2020 13:22

[quote Freshprincess12]@mindutopia

Thats the point I was trying to make as well. If it was the other way round and you received a thumbs up sign. That would really bug me. Its seen as a "whatever" for me. I find it quite rude.
He might think that you didnt seem that interested anyway hence why he suggested to meet up later.[/quote]
I'm surprised at how the thumbs up is seen. It's enthusiasm in my opinion and being agreeable. I don't see it as sarcastic at all.

Aerial2020 · 01/12/2020 13:24

@Freshprincess12

Wow.....shocked with all the responses on here. I have to admit in the early days of courting my partner- we were young btw 18 and still in Uni, I was guilty of sending a message like this. Funnily enough, it was a Sunday as well Grin I text to say I was really tired to meet up and wanted a fay in bed. We had met a few times in the weeks and drunk ourselves in a stupor (typical student life) so I wanted time to recoup. Maybe he was just genuinely tired? And needed a rest day? What activity did you plan? Isnt it better for someone to rest instead of forcng themselves out and being boring company because they're tired and dont have the energy to socialise? I have to say I am really shocked with the replies, not really giving him a chance.
18 is not 31. If a guy is interested, there is no way he would laze about instead.
Aerial2020 · 01/12/2020 13:26

Thumbs up is only showing as much effort as 'being lazy'. Nothing wrong with that.

Aerial2020 · 01/12/2020 13:27

Least he didn't ghost or block??
Blimey is that what standards have come to.

MostTacticalNameChange · 01/12/2020 13:51

I am so annoyed on your behalf. And on mine now because I'm thinking back on all the doormat challenges I have failed miserably and repeatedly.

Never EVER again, for both of us!

Feeling lazy, indeed! Although in my miserable experiences that would have been followed by the suggestion I drive over with food at the time he finished napping, give him a bj then leave again (and I have done shit like this)...so silver linings!!!

Toocold · 01/12/2020 13:55

I’m amazed how people can say at least he didn’t ghost or block you, he has behaved shoddily and you ( as everyone does) to better and deserve more, I’d look at this as an opportunity to ditch him personally, and he is 31 so therefore should know better!

Toocold · 01/12/2020 13:55

... could do so much better than him

Aerial2020 · 01/12/2020 13:59

As another poster said, fuck that shit. Smile

Etinox · 01/12/2020 14:02

You’re not high maintenance- you have good self esteem and you’re not desperate for a man. 💪Flowers

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