How to let him down gently?

[Turbotastic]

I've recently made contact with a man who lives on the same estate as me, my landlady introduced us as he has recently moved in and she owns both properties. I'll call him C

Just for background am I relatively recently single after being cheated on and treated badly by my ex. Ex before that also cheated on me and tbh I've had a string of crappy and abusive relationships that have left me in a bad place mentally.

I absolutely do not want another relationship. Right now, I want to concentrate on myself and attaining any non relationship based goals I have, working on my self esteem and just generally building myself back up. I also intend to do the freedom program as I've heard it is pretty good and helpful at overcoming abuse.

C is very friendly and seems a lovely guy but I'm not attracted to him in any way whatsoever and certainly do not want anything to happen with him. We are friends and that's it. Trouble is he seems to be pushing a bit for more. I don't want to seem arrogant in assuming he fancies me but he's taken to messaging a lot, including first thing in the morning. He calls me gorgeous, sweetheart, other terms of endearment, puts kisses on his messages etc. I asked him for a lift to the shops today as my car wasn't running and he insisted on paying for my shopping and giving me a hug at one point. When I tried to pull away he didn't let go!

I don't know if I'm just reading too much info it but all this attention from him is making me feel increasingly uncomfortable and I don't want to lead him on and make him think I like him 'like that' when I don't! He has been so nice to me and I appreciate his help but I don't see him as anything other than a friend. What do I do? Or say? Don't want to be a bitch but it's too much for me at the moment.

Don't ask him for any more favours.
Pay him back for the shopping. Money into envelope, envelope through the door, preferably when he's out.
When he calls you endearments, pull a face and say "hey dude, bit inappropriate".
Don't engage with all the texting.

Tough one. Maybe start by refunding the shopping money and when he asks why, you say you are just friends and you can't accept it. Hopefully that will open up the conversation to what he really wants from you then you can let him know 🤷‍♀️

Having boundaries doesn't make you a bitch.

What you've written here is an absolute and honest account of how you feel. The written word is still the mightiest platform. I would text him and say :I wrote this today on an internet forum because its how I'm feeling at the moment: copy & paste your text in here.

Oh dear, what a tangle you've gotten yourself into. I think you have to be straight with him. Something like 'I really appreciate the lift yesterday but I'm worried there might be some crossed wires. Just a heads up that I'm not looking to date. Was t sure if you were getting your flirt on or if you're just a social sort like me'. That gives him an out to go 'nah I was just being friendly'. Hopefully.

Then also say no to any further help.
Someone who fancies you is not your friend, they're someone who fancy you. And considering you are extra vulnerable atm...best to avoid entirely.

'Thanks but my two brothers will help', 'no thanks, my family are helping', 'that's ok, my bf gets back from America today, he will fix it' comments may come in useful.

I'd drop into conversation how you really want to be single for an extended period of time.

You could do it when he calls you one of those terms of endearment. 'Oh, no, don't call me sweetheart, my ex used to always call me that, and I'm not even thinking about relationships at the moment!'

Make it about you, not him. You won't look like you've misconstrued anything, then, and he won't feel his self esteem is being knocked.

It does seem like he wants more than friendship, I would stop being the first to message, don't ask him for favours and unfortunately lose the friendship, he's giving you lingering hugs and calling you gorgeous so I would say he fancies you and friendship isn't what he wants.

I would text him and say :I wrote this today on an internet forum because its how I'm feeling at the moment: copy & paste your text in here.

Really don't do that. Good god. It's the opposite of your goals to do things like the Freedom Programme and learn healthy relationship patterns.

It's really very easy.

I don't want to seem arrogant in assuming he fancies me but he's taken to messaging a lot - Don't reply

including first thing in the morning. - See above

He calls me gorgeous, sweetheart, other terms of endearment, puts kisses on his messages etc. - tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable because you just see him as a friend

I asked him for a lift to the shops today as my car wasn't running - Stop asking for favours

and he insisted on paying for my shopping and giving me a hug at one point. When I tried to pull away he didn't let go! - stop meeting him.

Urgh op distance yourself. Pay him back for your shopping and stay away from him. Dont reply when he messages you.

Having your history of abusive relationships, you need to work on your boundaries. This guy can be practice.

Insisting on paying for your shopping isn't nice - it's crossing a line, it's patronising and it's trying to create a sense of obligation.
Giving you a hug without making sure it's OK with you isn't nice - it's over-familiar and trying to create a physical intimacy you haven't asked for.
Not letting you go from a hug isn't nice - it's a power-play, it's letting you know he's stronger and he gets to decide when physical touching stops.
Calling you endearments so early on isn't nice - it's again trying to create a false intimacy and fake a relationship you don't have and haven't shown interest in.

Surely to get out of the hug, the very least you could do is tell him he has to socially distance?! If you get in that situation again, say that.

Insisting on paying for your shopping isn't nice - it's crossing a line, it's patronising and it's trying to create a sense of obligation.
Giving you a hug without making sure it's OK with you isn't nice - it's over-familiar and trying to create a physical intimacy you haven't asked for.
Not letting you go from a hug isn't nice - it's a power-play, it's letting you know he's stronger and he gets to decide when physical touching stops.
Calling you endearments so early on isn't nice - it's again trying to create a false intimacy and fake a relationship you don't have and haven't shown interest in.

This.

Write w kind note, explain gently your past, and that really you can’t go there.
And that thr chemistry is not there

Unfortunately he knows that I have no family here and very few friends so it'll be hard to say no because other people are helping me!

The car issue is sorted for the time being, I was waiting for a part to be delivered so it could be fixed and it's all running again so I won't need him for anything 🙂 I'm a very independent sort of person normally and hate asking for help from anyone but I really don't have anyone else to ask and sometimes I can't avoid it. I would rather find anyone else to help me though if I can rather than keep accepting his offers if he thinks it's going to lead somewhere because it really isn't.

We have actually spoken about the fact that I want to be single and don't want another relationship. He definitely knows, I mentioned the very first time we met up.

No i I wouldn't mention having left an abuser/shit ex. That's a green light to manipulative people like him as he will then know your boundaries aren't where they should be.

Don't explain your past! You don't have to have an excuse of a string of bad romances to turn a new fella down.

Do what the others say. Give him the money back, then don't ask him for any more favours, stop responding quickly to his messages and if he asks tell him he is not your type. Don't say you are not looking for a relationship because men are taught that's negotiable.

@Nsky

Write w kind note, explain gently your past, and that really you can’t go there. And that thr chemistry is not there

Never do this. Ever.

Things like 'I have some friends helping out' and 'no thanks, I'm happier standing on my own two feet'. Basically try to convey: I'm an strong and I am not alone.

And gradually fade out texting. If he texts anything inappropriate, or that you dont want to answer then just dont respond.

You don’t need to let him down “gently”.

You need to be upfront that you see him as just a mate and nothing further will happen between you, so he needs to stop flirting and being touchy-feely

If you do it gently, there’s always the possibility of crossed wires as he may not take you seriously

Also stop oversharing your life with strangers, else you will repeatedly end up in situations like this.

And do pay him back for your groceries, why did you even let him pay?

It's when he says stuff like 'I care if you're alright' or 'I care about you' etc that I feel super awkward :/ If I just say thanks it sounds rude but I can't say I care about him too because I don't really! How do I respond to that? Just ignore it?

Tbh, it doesn’t seem like you’re in the best place in life at the moment and he might be trying to take advantage of your slight vulnerability? Especially as he knows you’re virtually alone.

Sorry but how can he care about you already? You barely know each other. He’s just saying that to reel you in. If he was a decent guy, he’d respect your boundaries.

In my defence some of it was my landlady's fault, I mentioned to her that me ex had moved out after she asked after him and I think in her mind she was being nice by 'setting me up' with C. He has also been through a tough time with his ex lately so I think he's just lonely and looking for a distraction but I'm not the right person to do that with.

I didn't let him pay he just sort of whipped his card out and paid while I was getting my purse out of the bag. I said I would go to the cashpoint to get the money out then and there but he refused to take it.

If he says that again, just ignore it.

Or respond to him very late, ie hours or days later and completely skip over that part of his message.

If you have to say something, just say something obnoxious like “cheers mate” to place him firmly in the friendzone.