How to let him down gently?

[Turbotastic]

I've recently made contact with a man who lives on the same estate as me, my landlady introduced us as he has recently moved in and she owns both properties. I'll call him C

Just for background am I relatively recently single after being cheated on and treated badly by my ex. Ex before that also cheated on me and tbh I've had a string of crappy and abusive relationships that have left me in a bad place mentally.

I absolutely do not want another relationship. Right now, I want to concentrate on myself and attaining any non relationship based goals I have, working on my self esteem and just generally building myself back up. I also intend to do the freedom program as I've heard it is pretty good and helpful at overcoming abuse.

C is very friendly and seems a lovely guy but I'm not attracted to him in any way whatsoever and certainly do not want anything to happen with him. We are friends and that's it. Trouble is he seems to be pushing a bit for more. I don't want to seem arrogant in assuming he fancies me but he's taken to messaging a lot, including first thing in the morning. He calls me gorgeous, sweetheart, other terms of endearment, puts kisses on his messages etc. I asked him for a lift to the shops today as my car wasn't running and he insisted on paying for my shopping and giving me a hug at one point. When I tried to pull away he didn't let go!

I don't know if I'm just reading too much info it but all this attention from him is making me feel increasingly uncomfortable and I don't want to lead him on and make him think I like him 'like that' when I don't! He has been so nice to me and I appreciate his help but I don't see him as anything other than a friend. What do I do? Or say? Don't want to be a bitch but it's too much for me at the moment.

This man sounds so familiar to me. Do you happen to live in Cheshire? Mind, there's a large cohort of them. Their tactic is also a bit like the boiled frog analogy. Before you know it, you're somehow stuck in a situation where you have inexplicably been tied to them. Don't feel sorry for him, he's trampling all over your boundaries and he knows what he is doing.

You really shouldn't be asking this man for favours, as you say yourself you don't care about him, effectively don't know him, and what you are learning about him is making you uncomfortable. You should have got a taxi today, or online delivery. You asking for a favour from someone who is calling you terms of endearment,overstepping and oversharing when you aren't interested in a stupid move tbh.

It doesn't matter if you don't have anyone else to ask. It is inappropriate for you to ask him.

What's your definition of nasty, tho?

Saying no isn't nasty. You don't need to justify it either.

No should be the end of the subject, it is not a start to a negotiation, anyone who keeps pushing should send up alarms.

Saying thanks is enough when complimented or given attention. You don't owe them anything.

It's not nasty to say "oh that makes me feel a bit awkward / uncomfortable, please don't say / do that again." Or "I think that's a bit inappropriate" or "I don't really like being called that". You can do it with a smile and politely, but mean it.

You don't have to scream fuck the fuck off into his face , you just have to be assertive. Practice saying no. Practice saying I'm busy right now. Channel some strong woman you admire and unapologetic.

Be unapologetic

How and why did he insist on paying for your shopping ?

Having boundaries doesn't make you a bitch.

This

It isn’t your responsibility to be gentle. He isn’t being nice or friendly, he’s trying his luck by making you feel beholden to him. A classic tactic that women are conditioned to accept.

You are not responsible for him, so you don't need to be gentle, just firm.

When (single) men want to 'help' a woman, there's always an ulterior motive, certainly in my experience.

You need to gain control of this situation right now OP.

And DEFINITELY pay him the money back. You do NOT want to be in 'debt' to this man.

Saying no, having boundaries isn’t nasty. It’s normal and other normal people wouldn’t be offended by it. Normal people don’t want to make others uncomfortable. This man is overstepping boundaries left right and centre and if he is a good guy you telling him to stop won’t offend him. If he is a potentially abusive guy you shouldn’t worry about offending him!

Have boundaries, rules that you write down for yourself and follow. I do and the rules are important!

• No married, involved, it’s complicated guys
• No guys who aren’t solvent
• Upset the kid or the dog and you are out immediately, no questions asked
• No guys who won’t go Dutch on dates
• More than 10 minutes late without letting me know and I’ll have left. Even with letting me know repeated lateness is not tolerated
• More than one standing me up or standing me up without letting me know and it’s over
• Calling me names / speaking to me rudely / yelling at me OR treating others this way and he’s toast
• Unwanted physical contact that he won’t stop even when told it’s unwanted is a big no no
• Whatever you see in the first 6 months is him on his absolute best behaviour (same for what he sees of you) so if that isn’t quite meeting the mark it WILL NOT get better

Make your own list and stick to it!!

You shouldn’t ask him for favours that’s not fair.

Give him back his money and tell him clearly that you’re only wanting to be friends. If he carries on with the texts you’ll have to block him.

Things will be more awkward longer term with every day he thinks he is in with a chance but isn't. Firm no, as early as possible will cause the least longterm harm.

Well done for noticing that this isn't acceptable behaviour!
Texting daily is boyfriend behaviour and you need to stop replying so often. Leave it until later in the day. If he texts 'are you ok?' Reply half an hour later saying 'fine but busy'
If he texts saying 'why are you not texting so much?' Reply saying 'I'm pretty busy and can't keep up with so much texting'
Return the money through his door and never ask him for a favour again. Never instigate contact in fact. Be chilly and standoffish.

I've always had a problem with saying no and not wanting to appear rude or bitchy. I care deeply about what people think of me

So how's that been working out for you so far? Not very well it seems?

Look at it this way. Would you prefer people (especially this type of man) to think of you as a simpering pushover with boundaries that can be disregarded and worn down - or a strong, independent woman with rock solid, no compromise boundaries?

As a pp said - let this man be your practice in affirming your boundaries.

Saying no isn't rude. Saying I don't like that isn't rude.

This man was extremely rude first by hugging you, second by not letting go when you pulled away.

Is it that you think it's one rule for men and one for women when it comes to rudeness?

Please do the Freedom Programme as a matter of urgency.

@Raidblunner, I really hope you don't give this advice to friends. You don't tell a stranger, who isn't respecting your boundaries your inner thoughts and fears.

Op, you maybe a people pleaser and there are lots of help/advice online to address this.

Leave it a long time before you reply to his texts and keep it really short he should get the hint

Saying no isn't rude or bitchy, it is a completely neutral act! This is the most important, empowering thing you can ever learn as a woman. Society conspires to make you feel different, but it isn't true.

Channel your inner Zammo and just say no!

I care deeply about what people think of me

Decent people think highly of those who clearly and politely maintain their own boundaries, and who communicate without fuss so that everybody knows where they stand, and no drama is created.

Passive aggressive solutions to this situation, like 'Just take ages to reply', or 'post the money back through his door' rely on mind reading and sensitivity on his part, and leave time for confusion, hurt feelings, and for a situation OP is uncomfortable with to continue, until C gets the message.

'C, can I have a quick word? I just wanted to say, because you message me every day, and you paid for my shopping, and you keep calling me 'gorgeous'; you do know I just want us to be friends, don't you, and nothing more? I just wanted to make that clear to avoid any hurt feelings.'

It takes about 10 seconds to say, and if he continues with the boyfriend behaviour, he'll be very clear about why you avoid him from then on.