How to let him down gently?

[Turbotastic]

I've recently made contact with a man who lives on the same estate as me, my landlady introduced us as he has recently moved in and she owns both properties. I'll call him C

Just for background am I relatively recently single after being cheated on and treated badly by my ex. Ex before that also cheated on me and tbh I've had a string of crappy and abusive relationships that have left me in a bad place mentally.

I absolutely do not want another relationship. Right now, I want to concentrate on myself and attaining any non relationship based goals I have, working on my self esteem and just generally building myself back up. I also intend to do the freedom program as I've heard it is pretty good and helpful at overcoming abuse.

C is very friendly and seems a lovely guy but I'm not attracted to him in any way whatsoever and certainly do not want anything to happen with him. We are friends and that's it. Trouble is he seems to be pushing a bit for more. I don't want to seem arrogant in assuming he fancies me but he's taken to messaging a lot, including first thing in the morning. He calls me gorgeous, sweetheart, other terms of endearment, puts kisses on his messages etc. I asked him for a lift to the shops today as my car wasn't running and he insisted on paying for my shopping and giving me a hug at one point. When I tried to pull away he didn't let go!

I don't know if I'm just reading too much info it but all this attention from him is making me feel increasingly uncomfortable and I don't want to lead him on and make him think I like him 'like that' when I don't! He has been so nice to me and I appreciate his help but I don't see him as anything other than a friend. What do I do? Or say? Don't want to be a bitch but it's too much for me at the moment.

@sofiaaaaaa I agree! I don't see how he can when we are virtually strangers. If he's trying to reel me in it won't work, I'm not attracted to him at all and I don't want another man.

Him: "I worry about you, I care if you're alright or not"

You: "Ah don't worry about me, I'm all good! Busy week coming up, have a good one"

Bright, breezy, busy.

Don't explain your past as it only adds false intimacy and is a green light for people who prey on vulnerability. Not saying he's one of them but if he is, it's the worst thing you could do.

It's when he says stuff like 'I care if you're alright' or 'I care about you' etc that I feel super awkward :/ If I just say thanks it sounds rude but I can't say I care about him too because I don't really! How do I respond to that? Just ignore it?

Say "er, that's making me a bit uncomfortable".

didn't let him pay he just sort of whipped his card out and paid while I was getting my purse out of the bag. I said I would go to the cashpoint to get the money out then and there but he refused to take it.

You really need to pay this back. Draw out the money, put it in an envelope and write on it - "Thanks for the gesture, but I'm uncomfortable with this". And stick it through his letterbox.

You really need to pay him back

He won't reel you in by attracting you, but he'll keep going to wear you down or making you feel so obligated you "give him a chance".

If this man was a single woman you had just met who lived on the same estate would you be asking her for a lift to the shop? Would you allow her to pay for your shopping??

Just tell him, then.

'I'm not comfortable with you saying/doing that.'

Just use that line each time. If he says why, tell him you don't need to explain why.

They're your boundaries. You uphold them. If he's a nice guy, he'll respect your boundaries. If not, you stop spending time with him.

Did you think that your exes were lovely guys when you first met them?

Why are you so nervous of appearing rude?

It's unwise to attempt to continue and cultivate a friendship with a person that is clearly after more from you. So quit with the ' we are friends' line, that is no longer an option.
Imagine you had never met, you would of found a way round your car issue, but you took the easy path at the time and that has fanned the flames.
The times you spend with him and text with him, are wasted moments where you would do better to connect with others who are friendly without agendas.
So, you can slow the text responses, and hope it fades away, but that will leave him wondering and is ambiguous. I think you need to be more direct. Start with giving him the money back, then make it clear that because you are not interested, it's best you go your separate ways and seek friendship elsewhere. You are going to have to let him go as a friend for piece of mind.

Only message him one time each 24 hours

Stop making excuses and stand up for yourself

If you can't actually say what you feel .... ignore

And NEVER EVER EVER ask for a lift or let him pay for anything - pay him back!

Yes to protecting boundaries.

Your personal safety is more important than being "nice". He may already know that you're not interested but he will keep stepping in your boundaries until he wears you down.

Pay him back for the shopping or he will insist that you "owe" him. If he's decent man, he will respect your wishes. If he gets irritated or annoyed then that is a huge red flag.

People who don't accept no as an answer have no place in your life.

I don't know if I'm just reading too much info it but all this attention from him is making me feel increasingly uncomfortable

To avoid future abusers, altogether drop the self doubt bit; the self questioning bit; the 'maybe it's me being oversensitive bit. Because even if you are reading too much into it, even if you are oversensitive, the thing is, you still feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter why you feel the way you feel. All you have to do is respond to the feeling. Then you're being honest to yourself.

Wouldn't you rather be honest to the very sensitive parts of yourself, than try to shut them up in order to be super-gentle to strangers?

Oh, don't even try being friends if he is clearly after more. He will make further attempts to cross the line.

You just need to be direct and honest about your feelings otherwise the more you avoid it, the harder it will be further down the line.

He's not your friend, he's a creep. He's relying on your niceness to push for what he wants. He doesn't have your best interests at heart at all! Please don't try to be kind to him, he's a typical 'nice guy'

He sounds pushy af.

He really isn't our friend if he's not respecting your boundaries. You are being pressured and possibly manipulated because he can see that you don't want to appear rude.

Please stand up for yourself and disengage from him completely.

he's being really pushy and a bit creepy. When he says something like 'I care if you're alright' then I'd be tempted to say 'why dude? You don't even know me.'

That said, you need to stop asking him for favours! I really, really recommend the freedom programme. You can do it online at the moment so it's something you can do right away.

When I tried to pull away he didn't let go!
I am intrigued that this is not a 100% deal breaker for you. After this I would be avoiding him like he had a persistent cough. Yet you are agonising about how to respond politely to his texts!

Dodgy blokes get the cold shoulder. They can think you are a bitch. They can call you a bitch. That is fine. Absolutely fine. So long as they are out of your personal space forever.

OP, please read the shark cage analogy. It's about having boundaries and how "sharks" test them. You need to learn how to police and maintain boundaries, otherwise you'll end up getting back into another abusive relationship.

Pay him back for the shopping! It was weird that he did that like it was a date you were on or something and it's weird to accept it.

Smacks of being a 'nice guy'. Those guys who pretend to be a super special friend who is oh so kind and always there for you because they think then that you will pay them back with sex...and then turn on women when it doesn't happen and call them loads of names and whine about how nice guys always finish last!

This dude is not good news. Being overly pushy with favours is a red flag, it's called loan sharking. Creating a sense of obligation, even though you never wanted it in the first place. Ditto the overly familiar and constant texts.

Even if you meet a different guy that you like, its an important test to see how they react to being told no - no to a favour, no to a choice of takeaway, anything. A decent bloke accepts a no because he respects you as a person. A controlling abuser will push his view, what he wants to do and ignore a clear no.

Testing and disrespecting boundaries is an early indicator that he's not a good guy.

Please read up on @category12's link on shark cages. You don't have to accept any favours (or indeed ask for them). Ensure he doesn't get into your personal space and back well away when he tries to. Being a "bitch" is a small price to pay for your personal safety.

Pay him back, envelope through the door.

I don't think he sounds nice at all.

He's pushy and intent on forcing intimacy upon you despite you clearly not wànting this.

Your gut is screaming at you and you need to start listening to it.

He's not a friend.

Put some distance between you.

His endearments are not appropriate, tell him "dont call me that".

Stop replying more than once a day.
Be busy.

If he pushes, reiterate you are busy and that you are not interested in a relationship.

Keep your history to yourself.

Nothing an abusive person likes more than knowing you have been abused before.

You sound like a very sensible woman for spending time on yourself.

The shark cage was a really interesting analogy and a good read, never heard of it before so thank you for that.

Just to be clear I fully intend to pay him back for the shopping! I just meant he wouldn't accept it then and there.

I've always had a problem with saying no and not wanting to appear rude or bitchy. I care deeply about what people think of me, it's one of my many flaws and probably responsible for many things that have gone wrong for me. That's why I want to break the cycle and take some time out because I'm terrified of getting into yet another abusive situation. I don't think I'll survive another one.

I live so close to C that I don't want to be overtly nasty to him, we are neighbours after all and it's a pretty small close knit cul-de-sac, everyone helps each other out. I just don't want him to think a relationship is ever going to develop because it really really isn't. If I have to not be friends with him and cut contact then so be it I'd just like to do it as nicely as possible.

Pay him his money back and stop replying to all his texts. If he sends one in a morning don’t reply until evening and tell him you’ve been busy.
Try and restrict your face to face contact too.