If you stayed after being cheated on - are you over it?

chloe23x · 30/11/2020 21:52

@LostWhiskey

Just that really. If you stayed , are you over it?

I have stayed. It’s been nearly 4 years and I’m still not over it. I think about it most days. It was an emotional affair and he thinks I’m fine. I’m not. I always wonder when it will happen again. I do love him and we have been together a long time (since late teens) and was only young when we got together. We have DC’s together who are primary age. The DC’s are not a reason to stay , I stayed because I love him. But is it really enough?

I would like to hear your stories and how you overcome it. There is a lot more to this on my side but just to much to write.

Following as I'm in the same boat, partner cheated on me when I was 4 months pregnant beginning of the year and I'm no where near over it, it plays on my mind every single day it's like I go over it in my head constantly and wind myself up more, i do love him and he is trying but it's so hard to forget and move on and feel like I'm just sat waiting for the day it happens again, I didn't used to be paranoid but definitely am now and sometimes feel like it would of been a lot easier if I left him when I found out but what's done is done I suppose

Raidblunner · 30/11/2020 22:12

No you don't just get over it. You manage it and live with like grief.
The diference is you can walk away and feel better. Why suffer on needlessly. My ex cheated on all her previous men before god knows why I thought I might be different. Probably because she was 47 and I thought she may have learnt something by that time. Hey ho

Justmuddlingalong · 30/11/2020 22:18

You stay because you love him. That hasn't been in doubt though, surely? The problem was his lack of love/respect for you. You can walk away at any time, there's no time limit on you changing your mind.

StrippedFridge · 30/11/2020 22:25

I always wonder when it will happen again. That's just you being sensible, nothing to do with not being over it. Forgiving is fine but to forget would be daft, especially when children are involved.

Original poster

LostWhiskey · 30/11/2020 22:27

How do you move past it though ?

OP posts:

Badwill · 30/11/2020 23:18

How do you move past it though ?

You can't, not without a lot of cognitive dissonance. You have to comfort yourself with lies, instead of facing up to harsh truths.

The question is why would you want to move past being so disrespected and mistreated by a person who was supposed to love you? You say because you love him - but he doesn't love you. Not really. Now to move past it you have to pretend this isn't so.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I hope you find your self worth because everyone deserves to be with someone who loves and respects them

Beentherefonethat · 30/11/2020 23:54

I couldn’t move past it op and I realised I didn’t have to so I left.

Now I look back and shudder at the thought of staying together. For me, it was never going to be the same again. The old relationship had gone and I’d be starting off with a cheat if that makes sense.

You just have to live with it.

Needhelp101 · 01/12/2020 00:00

You can't, and you don't.

I'm sorry.

Needhelp101 · 01/12/2020 00:03

And love is not enough.
He didn't love you while he was (emotionally) fucking another woman.

Ironically, my ex husband and I get on absolutely fine now. But he is a serial cheat and I'm SO glad I don't have to worry about that anymore.

MMmomDD · 01/12/2020 00:11

Of course one can move past it. Nothing in our lives - not even the most terrible grief stays with us forever.

But being possible doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Have you had relationship counselling? And have you had any personal counselling?

I don’t think moving on is possible without a lot of work on rebuilding the marriage, and some soul searching too.

I think it is extremely difficult for relationships that started in late teens to survive and be the only ever relationship one has with another adult. So - your situation isn’t unique. And many such relationships do breakup once people reach their 30-40s, just because people change since they met as teenagers; and also they get curious about what else is out there.

You two decided to stay together. It’s a start. But you seem to be stuck in a loop of pain and that’s not the way to live.

I hope you find someone who can help you.

Also - have a look at Ester Perel. ‘State of the Affair’ is her perspective on affairs and how people get through it.

NameChanged294749 · 01/12/2020 08:45

I don't know but following with interest as have been on here recently due to going through something similar (discovered only a few weeks ago). Similar relationship dynamic to you too.

It was a short dalliance and not a full blown EA but early stages and still hurtful when you realise they've turned away from you and are secretly putting in emotional effort elsewhere when its your relationship that needs it most. I also don't know where it would have ended up had I not intervened, and it's very difficult to know I had to pull him back and that he didn't do this of his own accord despite beginning to realise something was off.

I think I could have dealt better with a one night stand. At least he'd never see that person again. In my case they are still in necessary daily contact and I worry it could move up an emotional notch between them at basically any time.

So I seem to go up and down between thinking we can handle this to being so intensely angry and hurt that I can't imagine ever not feeling awful. I want her out his life completely so that we can move on cleanly but it's not that easy due to circumstance. I'm worried when I read that others are still struggling years afterwards. Sorry you're experiencing this.

Did you do couples therapy at the time? Could you look into that now?

CoronaIsShit · 01/12/2020 09:20

Haven’t been in this situation but I think the only way to get over it, if you really want to stay with him, is to get even! That’s what I’d do. Maybe you would discover that he wasn’t all that and there was something better out there after all.

LegallyBlondeee · 01/12/2020 09:20

I have been through this with DH. I stayed. I have forgiven but I’ve never forgot and I never will. Remembering these things and getting paranoid is your brains way of protecting itself from “pain” I rarely do think about it now, but when I do I can kind of take some comfort in the fact that, my marriage is now stronger than it ever was. We went through a lot of pain and heart ache to get where we are today and DH has shown me nothing but respect and compassion and alot of tolerance ever since. To get through it we had to be fully transparent with each other. I am not naive I know what he could be capable of in the future but what I do know is I am happy. He is happy and we have never been in a stronger position as a couple. Couples can and do move on from these things all the time. I am sorry you are going through this. The pain is something I remember so well and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

crochetmonkey74 · 01/12/2020 10:15

I stayed in a previous relationship and it did such deep damage that I am still suffering from 15 years later in my new relationship- I turned it all on myself and my self esteem is crushed

I absolutely know I would never stay again

wimto · 01/12/2020 10:29

I stayed for two years and thought about it every single day, cried a lot, lost myself.

I think to move past it, you have to be able to live with the fact that it could happen again at any time. And accept that trust is a choice, not something to be earned. I couldn’t do either of these things! So I left. I sure there are many out there who stay and find a life and happiness again - you do see that on these threads sometimes

LemmysAceCard · 01/12/2020 10:31

18 months on from DP's EA and i still havent got over it. The lies he told, knowing he was trying to get her into bed and would have left me for her if she was willing.

I have forgiven but never forgotten and sometimes it still eats me up. Whilst i have forgiven this time, and it nearly killed me, i wont be so gullible next time, there wont be a next time. He will be gone.

We have a 20 year + relationship, and in this last 18 months it has really opened my eyes to him and i realise that he wasnt a prize worth winning. I still day dream wondering what my life would be like if i had kicked him out.

I just take it one day at a time and curse my heart for betraying me and still loving him.

Freshprincess12 · 01/12/2020 10:38

No. Far from it..I am definitely physcologically, emotionally and mentally affected from the cheating my partner has done to me. And thats plural.
He used to "kind of cheat" in thenearly days when we were young (18 and uni students) by talking to women online - not meeting them, just online chatting/cyber sex.
I still feel betrayed by those! And that was over 15 years ago.
The most recent was last year, an emotional affair with a work colleague that has really damaged me.I like you have stayed because I love him too much and of course for the children.

Ironically, I cheated on him a few years back, we split for a year and it was torture. It was clear we both couldnt live without each other.
I sometimes feel the reason he cheated on me was because of that year we split up and I went off. I feel as though he wants his revenge

wimto · 01/12/2020 10:38

I just take it one day at a time and curse my heart for betraying me and still loving him.

Wow this is really heartbreaking. I hope he doesn’t hurt you again

papaelf · 01/12/2020 10:39

I have stayed. It’s been nearly 4 years and I’m still not over it. I think about it most days.

Leave and get yourself a life. You have wasted enough time on this.

janaus50s · 01/12/2020 11:07

Didn’t forgive and forget, or ‘get over it’. 5 years on still eats me up. Every single day.

EarthSight · 01/12/2020 11:34

People focus a lot on the other woman, on the possibility that there will be another woman after the last one, but I think that this is missing the point a bit.

Content people don't stray. People who fall out of love stray, who are deeply dissatisfied with their relationship, who are sexually frustrated, who have big problems with their self esteem or ego or who seriously lack empathy. You need to know, trust and feel confident that your partner is happy in the relationship, otherwise they might stray again.

Those people who say 'I have forgiven but not forgotten' - sorry, bit that's really not moving on. People who have truly forgiven don't say things like that. It's 50% moving on but no more.

You are in a constant state of vigilance, suspicion because your trust has been damaged. There's still poison there. By saying 'I have forgiven but not forgotten', you might be able to convince yourselves that you've moved on, when you really haven't, and who can blame you? It hurts a lot. I think that can really eat into you eventually.

kennelmaid · 01/12/2020 11:54

Yes, I got over it. I think it's because it was always more a marriage of convenience (on my part) rather than a deep emotional attachment. We got back together after he left me for OW following a year apart. Many, many times I've regretted having him back, but eleven years later it's all in the past now.

Miffyliffy · 01/12/2020 12:14

In one of my past relationships.... I didn't find out till two years in... But after a month of our relationship starting my partner at the time started sleeping with his ex fiance and continued this for 6 months even getting her pregnant. I was so trusting that I let far too many signs go. After I found out two years later I found out from her, he didn't even say anything when I mentioned it he just started packing his shit to leave, he obviously didn't give a shit but I stupidly wanted to make it work. It was on my mind all the time and made me feel physically ill I couldn't eat. I'd go 3 or 4 days at a time without eating and became obsessed with trying to be skinnier, beautiful etc etc essentially because I had such low self-esteem after finding out this dragged on for a year until I got to 80pounds, I absolutely hated myself, I was never food enough, I became depressed, one day I snapped and I got rid of that narcissist and it was purely the most liberating moment where I took control and my life changed so much for the better. Removing that from my life was the best thing I ever did.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 12:41

@Miffyliffy

In one of my past relationships.... I didn't find out till two years in... But after a month of our relationship starting my partner at the time started sleeping with his ex fiance and continued this for 6 months even getting her pregnant. I was so trusting that I let far too many signs go. After I found out two years later I found out from her, he didn't even say anything when I mentioned it he just started packing his shit to leave, he obviously didn't give a shit but I stupidly wanted to make it work. It was on my mind all the time and made me feel physically ill I couldn't eat. I'd go 3 or 4 days at a time without eating and became obsessed with trying to be skinnier, beautiful etc etc essentially because I had such low self-esteem after finding out this dragged on for a year until I got to 80pounds, I absolutely hated myself, I was never food enough, I became depressed, one day I snapped and I got rid of that narcissist and it was purely the most liberating moment where I took control and my life changed so much for the better. Removing that from my life was the best thing I ever did.

My god you poor thing, that nearly made me cry. So glad you're shot of him now

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/12/2020 13:22

I'm sorry OP, you sound so worn down by it. There's no cure, no 'pill' and, in my opinion, no point either.

People go on about 'putting in the work'. Well, that's not something that a cheated on partner should ever have to do. It's akin to being the one (rather than the cheater) to tell the OW/OM to back off. The person who cheated has already written off their primary relationship and there's no comeback from that.

Some people say that they can rebuild their marriages to former levels, some even say that it's better than it was before. It may or may not be true but it really doesn't ring true to me, it sounds like a peal of desperation to believe it and get other people complicit to believe it. It's a horrendous situation to find yourself in.

I've been on both sides. I was the cheated-on partner (I left but not without 'trying') and once, the OW.

I truly don't understand the mental hoops that some women (and it is always women, sadly) jump through, the lies/half-truths that they tell themselves to make it possible to believe the fallacy of what they believe their partner is/was, and the 'deals' they have to make with themselves to carry on with what is now 'not real'. I've done it myself, tried to make it work but fortunately, not for long. I would never, ever do that again.

I don't believe that the cheated on partner keeps going for love, I believe it's from despair/desperation to 'make it work' and not be seen to fail - or to lose out to the person their partner has their eye on.

I also see a parallel with the scenario when affair partners get together after wrecking their relationships their new relationship starts on the backfoot, so will yours and there's just no way around it. The only difference is that people will not openly critique you as they do OW/OM; they will just feel pity for you.

My advice OP? Run. Don't look back. You deserve a hell of a lot better and I don't think your heart will ever be at peace with this, however hard you try.