Page 3 | If you stayed after being cheated on - are you over it?

LostWhiskey · 2020-11-30T20:03:10+00:00

Just that really. If you stayed , are you over it? I have stayed. It’s been nearly 4 years and I’m still not over it. I think about it most days. It was an emotional affair and he thinks I’m fine. I’m not. I always wonder when it will happen again. I do love him and we have been together a long time (since late teens) and was only young when we got together. We have DC’s together who are primary age. The DC’s are not a reason to stay , I stayed because I love him. But is it really enough? I would like to hear your stories and how you overcome it. There is a lot more to this on my side but just to much to write.

category12 · 02/12/2020 07:12

I think you'd probably find that you'd be better off going through the short term pain and fear of splitting and being able to move on with your life, than staying and keeping on going through the same pain on and on and on.

The fact that he's already a repeat offender means he's very likely to do it again, and you'll always have uncertainty and stress. Which is shit for your mental health and wellbeing.

Mine did it several times, and everytime I got to a point of trusting, something happened to undercut it. It was agonising. It was a relief when I got to the point of ending things. A weight lifted. I've been so happy since. You don't realise, when you're in it, just how much it is costing you.

madcatladyforever · 02/12/2020 07:17

Not me, I told ny exH to go to fuck after 20 years, I can't live with someone who is not loyal to me.

MumCat2020 · 02/12/2020 07:54

Coming from the other perspective, I slept with other people. I wanted to try an open relationship, he agreed but didn't really want to. I took it too far, pushed too hard, lied. 2 and a half years on, I'm frustrated because he still has trust issues. I'm a SAHM, no lock on my phone, not gone awol or given him any reason for further doubt. So I feel angry that he still holds it all against me.

Original poster

LostWhiskey · 02/12/2020 11:42

We had an open conversation again this morning, he said he doesn’t know how long I can keep going on about it and that will I still be talking about it in 5, 10, 15 years ? I get his point. He said I either move on and stop dragging us down or we split. He would be an awkward bastard though and not move out. He always says “I pay my equal share and more into this house, it’s half mine as much as it is half yours, you chose to stay with me why should I have to move out”.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 02/12/2020 11:50

If he hadn't shit on your relationship, you wouldn't have anything to "go on about". He's putting the onus on you to repair your relationship. That's unfair and a sackable offence.

Twinkie01 · 02/12/2020 12:26

Lostwhiskey

Would he accept a 15 minute window each day for a short while where you get to talk about it but it's not mentioned the rest of the time? Our therapist suggested this and it did work although DH goes on about it more than me as he tries to comfort me when I look sad which isn't everyday but on the odd occasion.

DH said he'd move out if I needed him to after a chat we had last night, he's worried though that I'll be happier and get used to not having him around. Not once did it cross his mind that I'd perhaps be wondering what the hell he was getting up to! Makes it almost seem like I'm the one who cheated!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/12/2020 12:40

@LostWhiskey

We had an open conversation again this morning, he said he doesn’t know how long I can keep going on about it and that will I still be talking about it in 5, 10, 15 years ? I get his point. He said I either move on and stop dragging us down or we split. He would be an awkward bastard though and not move out. He always says “I pay my equal share and more into this house, it’s half mine as much as it is half yours, you chose to stay with me why should I have to move out”.

He's a nasty bastard isn't he, OP? He's showing you very clearly what you life is reduced to and is using your fear and desperation to keep the life you have, against you.

'Cognitive dissonance' as another poster has said is all that will keep you going as you know, in your heart, that your husband has no respect for you.

You're worth more. Find out what you're entitled to regarding finances and getting him out of the house - and then think about your options again.

I'm so sorry.

StrippedFridge · 02/12/2020 13:21

He may well be am awkward bastard in the months running up to the final settlement. Do you really prefer decades of living with him over a few months of annoyance?

feministbias · 02/12/2020 13:31

@LostWhiskey

We had an open conversation again this morning, he said he doesn’t know how long I can keep going on about it and that will I still be talking about it in 5, 10, 15 years ? I get his point. He said I either move on and stop dragging us down or we split. He would be an awkward bastard though and not move out. He always says “I pay my equal share and more into this house, it’s half mine as much as it is half yours, you chose to stay with me why should I have to move out”.

Yeah he hasn't done the work to make you feel safe and that is somehow your fault.

I'd say you need some marriage guidance - if he says no then You need to decide how you want to go forward.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/12/2020 12:42

You chose to stay with me why should I have to move out

Wow.... Just wow.

PinkiePie21 · 09/12/2020 19:33

My H had a PA with a work colleague 25 years into our marriage that I found out from phone bills lasted for 2 years and only stopped when I found out. Its been 9 years and I can't get over it. I've tried so hard but he's not the man I married. He's never given me the details or even who she was so its all left to my imagination. Any little lie he tells me makes me hate him that little bit more. I asked him to pick up something from a shop for me but he said it wasn't in stock so I asked if he forgot and he was adamant he didn't so I checked in front of him and he said OK I forgot but that was a massive trigger. If he lies about silly things what else is he hiding. After his affair he went to work abroad and on a visit home I found a condom in his pocket. He swore he was minding it for a friend as he was having an affair and his wife was visiting him so he had to get rid of it. I don't for one minute believe him so that was another nail in his coffin. I couldn't leave as I don't work now I gave up due to health issues and to help our children with their child care. Now though I'm 56 and can take my pension. After Christmas I'm leaving. He can go with one of his OW though I very much doubt they'll want him now...

EpochTime · 09/12/2020 19:44

The best way to get over it, OP, is to start to move your thoughts away from your relationship with him and move instead to thinking about yourself. Recovery from betrayal is so intertwined with self-esteem that it can feel like a losing battle. You keep thinking about the minutiae of the affair and you lose yourself in the process.
Maybe start with just one thing about yourself and make that your goal. It could be something as simple as sorting out a new wardrobe or developing a new skill you've always wanted to achieve, or something more long-term such as studying for a new qualification. This advice sounds namby-pamby but trust me - it works! While you're focussing on yourself, not only are you not thinking about his betrayal, you are also raising your self-esteem, which will be the most powerful healing mechanism by which you can move on from your trauma.

RollneckJumper · 10/12/2020 19:33

My ex cheated on me. I was all set to leave but he was a very manipulative person and managed to convince me that he loved me and would never hurt me again.

I stayed because I stupidly believed him and because he had loved bombed me and I was pretty besotted with him.

A month later and I found out on my birthday that he was in contact with his ex, trying to arrange to meet up with her.

I did leave this time, but he harassed me until I was too exhausted to argue any more and I gave him yet another chance because he was just so damn persistent and manipulative.

Two months later.. you guessed it.. he was back to his old tricks. I found messages between him and a girl he'd slept with at a music festival.

This time, I left and I didn't go back. Ended up having to report him to the police for stalking and harassment.

We haven't been together for over 4 years, and I am with someone new and now very happy. But.. being cheated on definitely still runs through my mind. It's definitely altered my ability to trust and has damaged my self confidence.

What did I learn from the experience..?

Never to accept anything less than I deserve.
Once a cheat.. always a cheat!

I would NEVER take back a cheating partner now. Life it too short to live with day-in, day-out anxiety wondering if they're at it again. It's no way to live. Go and find someone who will love and respect you and make you happy.

rosabug · 10/12/2020 21:01

I have to say - whenever I read "my partner had an EA". I always think this is code for "My partner slept with someone, he has lied about this, but I choose to believe him - because I need to".

Maybe the reason you can't get past it is you know you have swallowed a lie.

dane8 · 10/12/2020 22:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PornStarQuarantini · 11/12/2020 08:22

@EpochTime

The best way to get over it, OP, is to start to move your thoughts away from your relationship with him and move instead to thinking about yourself. Recovery from betrayal is so intertwined with self-esteem that it can feel like a losing battle. You keep thinking about the minutiae of the affair and you lose yourself in the process. Maybe start with just one thing about yourself and make that your goal. It could be something as simple as sorting out a new wardrobe or developing a new skill you've always wanted to achieve, or something more long-term such as studying for a new qualification. This advice sounds namby-pamby but trust me - it works! While you're focussing on yourself, not only are you not thinking about his betrayal, you are also raising your self-esteem, which will be the most powerful healing mechanism by which you can move on from your trauma.

I second this. You can't change what he did or is doing really, can you? Make your life about you. He's taken enough of your energy and spark. Be your best self and live your life. He can share it as long as you allow but there's no point torturing yourself over something already done or out of your control.

Macguffin69 · 11/12/2020 08:27

My husband had an EA which was heading for the bedroom (if it hadn't already got there). He thinks I'm over it. I'm not.

littlemissgrinchy · 11/12/2020 09:02

I'm not, I've also accepted I never will be and now need to tell my H (not DH) it's a lost cause and our 10 yr marriage is over. It's wrecked my head, I've self medicated with wine to block it out and now Alcohol free can see clearly that it's a dead dog situation. My only regret is it's taken 3 years to come to this conclusion

yetmorecrap · 11/12/2020 09:16

I’ve said this before, it’s perfectly possible to stay and kind of move on but often ‘the candle has been snuffed out’ - that ‘special’ feeling- no matter how sorry they are or try to do things- buy you stuff etc to try and make it all ok.

SortingItOut · 11/12/2020 10:02

Just remember that just hecsuse you stayed doesnt mean you have to stay forever.

You can leave your marriage at any point for any reason.
Just because at the time you agreed to give things another go doesnt mean you cant later on down the line admit you cant move on and its best to split.

The men who get annoyed when you bring it up arent worth staying with if they truly loved you they would do anything to put your mind at rest and answer questions.
They clearly just want it swept under the carpet and not to be mentioned again.

littlemissgrinchy · 11/12/2020 10:19

Very true @SortingItOut the best advice I was given at the time of finding out.. you don't have to make a decision right away, you can leave whenever it suits you.

litterbird · 11/12/2020 16:27

@LostWhiskey.....I am so sorry, he has done this twice to you, betrayed you twice and had the audacity to say you chose to stay so why should I move out? I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I think because he is a serial offender then there isn't really a way to recover from this. He has fooled you twice. You chose to stay for what ever reasons you needed to tell yourself. I don't have any recommendations as no one has been given the chance after the second betrayal on me. Maybe someone on Mumsnet has recovered from serial betrayals that can help. Many have come through one betrayal but two? I hope someone can give you the answers you are looking for.