If you stayed after being cheated on - are you over it?

[LostWhiskey]

Just that really. If you stayed , are you over it?

I have stayed. It’s been nearly 4 years and I’m still not over it. I think about it most days. It was an emotional affair and he thinks I’m fine. I’m not. I always wonder when it will happen again. I do love him and we have been together a long time (since late teens) and was only young when we got together. We have DC’s together who are primary age. The DC’s are not a reason to stay , I stayed because I love him. But is it really enough?

I would like to hear your stories and how you overcome it. There is a lot more to this on my side but just to much to write.

Reading the responses onhere so sad. Makes me feel really emotional. All we want is a solid, faithful relationship.
It makes you feel like crap.
I resonate with @Miffyliffy
This is exactly what I did. I would desprately search/stalk ow's social media and pictures and wonder what it was he liked about her. Most times it was someone who was a different race to me which made me feel like.rubbish, tried contact lenses, dyeing hair. If they were slimmer, id try my hardest to lose weight, but could never get the same "figure" as them. Even studied their pics/smile trying to replocate it!!! Its enough to drive you insane
The ow who he had a serious emotional affair/maybe even physical (I'll never know for sure) was 8 years older than me, had a range of debilitating health issues - but it just made me feel worse. I couldn't understand why he would choose to speak to her and give her attention. Its heartbreaking. Really messes up your self esteem and what little confidence you have left.

I could never get over cheating in a past relationship. I did try, but it had just wounded me too much. I still struggle with trust issues all those years later and have found subsequent relationships hard.

A close friend of mine stayed with her H after she found out he had been cheating with a work colleague. It all came out as the OW said she was pregnant. They are nearly 10 years on from it and she has said she trusts him, but there is a small percentage of doubt. He is very transparent with his phone, email etc and made every effort to rebuild the marriage. The reason why I asked her was due to me going through something similar, but I left him. All the trust and respect had gone! So, yes it can be done and as a PP has said, it's like grief, you learn to live with it.

My OH cheated 4 years into our marriage, it was physical and lasted a few months until I found out. He decided that we should stay together, and I thought I couldn't live without him. It got swept under the carpet, never discussed. We actually got to a good place, but with hindsight it was built on sand, then 15 years and 4 children later, I found a text to a colleague telling her she was gorgeous. I fell apart. He couldn't understand how I could be so upset over a text and yet I'd "easily got over a physical affair". We separated for two years, got counselling and got back together. I feel we have a good marriage now, we are both very different people, and I'm as confident as I can be that he will never cheat on me again - I'm not a fool, but that's my belief. If he did, that would be it, and he knows that. This situation messed with my brain, I'm not the person I was. I'm in a good place now, but I remember the pain of wondering what was wrong with me, why wasn't I enough. I'm a stronger woman now and I'm pleased that we are still married, but if I could have my time again, I would have left after the first affair. I wish you luck @LostWhiskey, I don't have the answers, but I remember what it feels like to be where you are.

I'm 10 months in today.

I trust him, some say I'm stupid, I really don't think he'd do it again, but I won't forgive him for the hurt and pain he has put our family through.

I'm having counselling to be able to move forward as I'm stuck in a constant narrative of 'How could you do this to me, our family?'

He could, he did is what hurts the most.

She was younger, it was an EA, she made him feel young, attractive and interesting, it went from normal work colleagues to emails and I found out the day she decided to start texting him whilst he was at home.

There wasn't anything sexual from his side but she loaded her messages with lots of innuendo which from his replies he just didn't get or his replies implied that he didn't get.

I'll never know if it would have become more if I hadn't have found out, that's a question that will forever remain unanswered.

It's hard OP, it's grief for our past relationship as to me he drew a line underneath that, we're starting again, he is remorseful, sad at what he has put us through but he made the decision to put us through that and that's the hard thing. He made a decision knowing, seeing it was hurting us.

The bitterness I'm holding onto is only hurting me, she doesn't care, her life has moved on, I suppose to a degree it's hurting him as he's here for my meltdowns and sadness.

Sorry blithering on.

I'm having counselling

The one who is supposed to love you the most has put you in a position where you need counselling, and that was without a sexual aspect

Why did you stay?

Because I love him I suppose, because he sees what a huge thing he did, because he's remorseful.

Before this I would have said he's gone without a second thought but living it it's hard to do that. He only just accepted that it still may not work and he's terrified of that. Weirdly I feel powerful now, like I know I could do it alone, I still may choose to. We'll see.

Twinkie01 Tue 01-Dec-20 13:57:23
I'm 10 months in today.

That's why I would never stay or even countenance it. It's become an 'anniversary' of sorts. I do not have the guts or ability to blot out to the extent that would be needed.

All the corrective actions seem to be taken by the cheated-on partners. How utterly soul-destroying.

I found out my husband had had a ONS with someone he vaguely knew when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child and our first was almost 2.

We had also been together pretty much since teens and at that point in my life I really didn't see any other way but to give it another go and like many others I loved him very much. I told him there would be no more chances though.

He begged forgiveness, promised never to do it again and as far as I'm aware, for 10 years he didn't. Until he did. A full blown affair this time with a younger colleague that I also discovered.

I couldn't do it again so I asked him to leave that same day and we've been separated 3 years.

So I guess I have been on both sides. I have done the 'trying to get over it' and I have walked away. Both were awful but at least now I've given myself the chance to be happy and I am now in a relationship with a lovely guy.

His relationship with the OW ended after a couple of years of staying together because neither of them had anyone else by that point.

I don't regret staying the first time because we really did have another happy 10 years together as a couple and as a family but I think part of us 'died' after that first time for me. I lost that innocence and complete trust and when it eventually did happen again, I think I'd almost expected it at some point without realising. Like our marriage was finite.

We get on fine now and co-parent well but I don't have to worry about who he's texting or what he's doing when he's at work. That's now someone else's problem.

And i never stopped loving him, never. But The Beatles were wrong, love isn't all you need. A strong and good marriage needs more than that.

Its heartbreaking reading all these stories.
I am 18months later.
He was having an emotional affair which i never knew about, we were having problems. He left and it turned physical. I still never knew about it thinking we were only temporarily separated.
He then came back and i didnt find out about her until he had bawled his eyes out saying how he had made a mistake leaving.
I got dribs and drabs of info over the next 6months.
Together 20+ years since mid teens. I took him back as I've know nothing else ever, i am not the strongest person and still do love him.
I think about it every day, i sometimes see her in passing, ive lost weight and have lost trust.
Reading this back i feel like an idiot for staying and if i could go back i wouldn't make the same mistake again.
Some of you will say just leave but its really not that simple for various reasons.
Maybe one day i will but for now like others i just keep going

Hugs to all x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

All the corrective actions seem to be taken by the cheated-on partners. How utterly soul-destroying.

^

He's changed. He's easier to live with, less uptight, actually appreciates what I do for everyone, no longer takes me for granted, helps more with the kids. Laughs more easily.

I am less of a people pleaser, sometimes I care, sometimes I don't give a shit if I upset him. I almost feel a bit like 'guess what chum, I spent years pandering to your ego now you can get fucked, if you don't like it, the door's there', I've more than enough of a reason to finish this.

I sort of feel s though I have power over my own destiny now. I'm no longer scared of my future be it with or without him.

Cookiebear I'm sorry your going through this. Would you really not make the same decision again? Can I ask why?

It's been over 2 years since I was told my dh had cheated with my best friend years previously.

It doesn't hurt in the same way.
I don't feel the need to check up on him all the time
I don't think about it everyday or much at all.

Our relationship is definitely better than it was. He shows me love, affection, respect and concern. The power shifted and I have more than before.
I do feel I've detached myself, I know how strong I am now, I know what I can deal with - he knows too.

I will also add that he did all the work.
He put in the effort, he made the changes I demanded.

If he hadn't and I still felt the way you do OP I don't think I would stay.

Thankyou Twinkie01,
I think its because if id have known all the information i know now i wouldn’t have taken him back, but as it was drip fed to me over the space of months and various different versions of what went on it wasnt so clear cut at the time.
Hope you are doing ok x

Realised i never answered the OPs question, im not sure and especially even less so after reading this thread that its ever something that we fully get over but hopefully in time it will either get easier for us or we get the courage to leave x

You can't, not without a lot of cognitive dissonance. You have to comfort yourself with lies, instead of facing up to harsh truths

Absolutely spot on.

You can't get over it. All you can do is monouvore yourself into a favorable position for the next time it happens.

You've had a lucky (though unpleasant) insight into your husband's true character, you can either use that information to your advantage or walk through the rest of your life willfully blind.

I have never stayed with a cheat. Love and respect seem to me to be the minimum basis for a relationship and I don't see how a person can still love and respect you if they cheat?

Could never stay with someone who cheated on me. People might want to delude themselves into believing a partner who's cheated has truly repented, but personal experience from witnessing my parents marriage fall apart, as well as numerous other friends/family/acquaintances over the years has taught me that it just isn't true. The vast majority of people who cheat will be compelled to cheer again. The vast majority of people who've been cheated on will become demanding and paranoid and controlling about their partner'a behaviour, to an extent that becomes intolerable to them. It's not a recipe for happiness, in the vast majority of cases.

I am very much over it. But I divorced him 5 years ago, cos the sticking with it for years thing was not worth it.

In case that's not clear, I did stick with him for years after the first time, but it wasn't worth it.

After discovering my dh cheated, I thought I was losing my mind. It was one of the worst events of my life. I tried to accept it, move on, see the light at the end of the tunnel but it ate away at me. It consumed every part of me. I would 'forget' for a few hours and on remembering, it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I hated that I struggled to forgive.

In the end I too had an affair. It was wrong but I felt no guilt at all which makes me question my character. I now know what I am capable of. The OM was single and knew the score from the onset.

The affair has taken way my pain, feeling of helplessness, feeling unattractive, feeling weak, vulnerable, dependent, at dh's mercy. It has definitely given me back some power as well as taken some away from dh.

I have just read all of your responses - thanks for taking the time out to write.

Yep, it does become another anniversary. It was this time of year he told me we would “try again” but it then turned out he was still speaking to OW (I found out by looking through his phone) and he then told me he loved her and was just planning to get through Christmas with me and the DC’s. He stayed home, he ruined Christmas, we had a massive fight Christmas 2016, yet it’s never spoken about. We agreed he would try work things out in his head, he went back to work and resumed his EA with OW. I came to the end of my tether 4 months later and told him to just leave and be with her. He then changed his mind, but I told him he HAD to leave his job if he wanted to stay with me and be a family, and he did. He has nothing to do with his previous work place and took his career else where.

It’s like I can’t let go though. It’s almost as if I have some form of PTSD over it?

I hate to admit that he has done this before 3 years prior. Left me for a month to go mess around with someone he met through a Christmas party. Writing it all down makes me hate him so much. But I’m so stuck, we have children, assets etc. I COULD afford to live on my own with the DC’s, but it hurts me being with him and hurts without.

I am just genuinely lost.

Been there
Hurts bad. Found out bout 5 years ago. Stayed but live apart