Dp checking phone and possibly computer - massive rant

[BrackenBeaker]

So myself and DP, together 8 years, lived together for 5.

Both always wfh and now with covid have spent a lot of this last year in each other's company.

A few weeks ago in a silly argument DP suddenly accused me of cheating on him. This surprised me because a) I'm not and b) even before lockdown my social life was very low key and any socializing I did he was with me 90% of the time. His accusation was also just very nebulous and not about a specific person/time or anything like that.

The next day he apologized for what he said and claimed to not mean it. He then kept bringing it up "as a joke" until I told him it was hurtful and if he had an accusation to come out and say it or to pack it in. He apologized again and agreed.

Since then he has gone out of his way to look at my phone three times that I've seen. I use my phone for work/banking and its always left lying around. He sometimes uses my phone if his is dead and every time I tell him the password. It's a password/set of 4 numbers he could easily remember but seems not to and needs reminding each time. I get the odd message from friends and some social media alerts (twitter). All above board chatting. I am a very boring person I can't emphasize enough that this is a tiny trickle of messages, not loads, not that this is the point. Basically I'm not precious/protective about it at all.

The first time he did it he was holding my phone for me while I sorted something and I turned around to see him scrolling through the alerts/messages. It wasn't so much that he did this but he seemed so intent and serious as he did it, and he'd waited until I was turned away.

The second time I dropped my phone down the side of the sofa while on my laptop. He came across the room and insisted on picking it up. In the process he blatantly checked the phone and the computer screen. I don't mean glancing.

I was logged into my bank on the laptop and my phone to check and move my savings around. Dull, dull, dull. I gave him a bit of a disappointed look and he cracked some joke about oh these men send you money now do they.

I told him to do one.

Third time was just now. He needed to use my phone to make a call. He walks out of the room as the call ends, full minute passes and he walks back in blatantly still scrolling through these boring twitter notifications on there. He was really upbeat afterwards, like he was relieved.

Also, around a week ago we got a takeaway from deliveroo, ordered online. When the status changed to being delivered I went downstairs to receive the delivery. When I came back up, (had to wait a few minutes), the deliveroo tab had been closed, the tab with my twitter was open (I have around 40 tabs open all day everyday and spend very little time on twitter). Dp was also behaving very strangely. I asked him in a joking way if he was messing around on my twitter and he told me that my computer made a weird noise and shut itself down. I pointed out that it was not shut down. It's an ancient model, take ages to start up and besides all my programs (I work as an illustrator) were open and as I left them. He is a terrible liar and this was just obviously not true. I let it go but this bothered me mainly because I write fiction as a hobby and a way to to mange anxiety and he knows that I don't ever want anyone to read any of it unless its finished and also something I wanted anyone else to read.

I just felt really invaded, like he had read my diary or something. He kept coming up to me and hugging me after that and making some odd comments about was I ok, etc. My impression was that he'd read something about depression in the tab where I do my writing. Maybe he didn't but that's what I am thinking now.

Just to be clear if he wanted to use my computer to check something then that would be fine. I don't expect him to root around through things though.

Just before he started with this behaviour he told me that his last serious gf had cheated on him, I never knew this. She also did some unpleasant things like bringing the new bloke round to his house after she left him (for this other guy) and they basically let themselves in. She met the guy online and that's how they built up to her leaving to be with him.

Obviously lockdown has taken a toll on everyone's mental health and this seems to be an insecurity of his that has risen up but my mental health has taken a battering too and while I don't really give a fuck about the phone, waiting until I'm out of the room and then checking through my laptop/reading what is basically a diary and lying about it is not on. I don't know for sure that he did that but he blatantly lied about why the Deliveroo tab was closed and the Twitter one was open.

I'm just tired and I don't need a new problem right now. Thanks for listening.

I really don't think this has anything to do with the introvert/extrovert thing. My daughter is an extrovert, my ex sil was an introvert and it was him that was abusive and massively insecure. It fact I would go so far as to say that it's a bizarre excuse for controlling behaviour and it's not doing the op any favours.

OP so much of what you have written resonates with me. To even suggest I would have cheated would have shocked anyone who knew me. He genuinely thought this was a prospect, I think of all women, and was delusional. I started making choices that would not lead to difficulty. I couldn't look at him as an equal any more, knowing he didn't see me in truth. It was abusive eventually and it has taken me a long time to get back to me. I made a lot of excuses for him to myself, I shouldn't have done. For a long time it was all done by implication/suggestion and I largely policed myself. It didn't end well. It sounds like he doesn't really know you, that this is about him. I think it is good you're radar is up, keep your eyes open. It is ok to reject someone who doesn't respect you or your truth. Good luck to you.

@MrsBobDylan Can you not see how you are constantly trying to prove you are not cheating? Your op and subsequent posts have been full of you defending yourself against being labelled a cheat.

I'm not sure how I'm constantly trying to prove I'm not cheating. I stated in my OP that I haven't because it's relevant to my situation. If I was it would be different. Someone also asked me if I have ever cheated on someone and if I understood a cheating mindset would lead to accusations. I merely replied that I have never cheated on anyone but have been in a previous relationship where I did a lot of accusing.

OP, you are avoiding all the questions that would give an answer that would disprove your trust in him as not being controlling. You have also stated yourself that you will not challenge him on this topic. The only thing you are prepared to do, is adapt to his sick mind and excuse him.
There's no helping some people. You can bring the horse to the water but can't make it drink...
Posters like this do really annoy me. I feel betrayed by women who enable men like this. Enabling helps them get away with it and then they feel stronger pulling this crap on their next victim. Bleurgh.
I'm out.

I would send him in a loop. The next time he said anything like this I would say, "If I was going to have an affair I would have a burner phone wouldn't I?" See if he starts digging about in your car. If he went that far I would show him the door.

Ok then, well it's all ok. His accusing you of cheating, snooping on you repeatedly, occasionally 'making noises' about you going to the gym or hanging out with friends is fine and YABU.

Is that what you need to hear?

@willsa I have acknowledged his controlling tendencies and said I've challenged him.

Saying I have betrayed women and enabled abuse of other victims is very extreme. Far more extreme than someone bowing to temptation and looking at some texts out of jealousy and getting told to pack it in. It demonstrates that you are projecting.

I wish you all the best.

@MrsBobDylan I never said his behavior is fine. The whole point of my OP is that this has bothered me.

We have talked since and concluded that he got paranoid and acted inappropriately.

I just don't see where I am trying to prove I am not cheating. That is all I said. As in my OP I told him I'm not and that if he has more to say to come out and say it. My other comments were in response to questions.

I just don't see where I am trying to prove I am not cheating

Almost no-one has said that's what you're actively doing, far from it. You're not, so you have nothing to hide, and you're not going ballistic when you know he's been snooping. But what some of us have pointed out is that if his behaviour got worse and he was absolutely convinced you were cheating, you can't actually prove that you're not.

I hope your talk with him has a long term effect and you can both relax.

@Feedingthebirds1 I was just responding to the one person that said that as their response was confusing to me. You're right in that no one can prove they aren't cheating and if the relationship deteriorated to that point then splitting would be sensible.

Thanks for your good wishes, I hope things improve from here.

I think OP that people are just saying the things you seem to think are incidental are actually clear red flags to those of us who have been in damaging unhealthy relationships with controlling people. Not that you mean to minimise, but that you are naturally minimising what some people would think is way off. It's not a criticism of you, it's just indicative of you maybe not knowing what the acceptable level of controlling is (none).

This is so irrelevant to what's going on here

No it isn't. The OP has a need for space and her DP is possibly interpreting it as wanting to spend less time with him.

We've talked a bit and he said he sometimes feels like I don't want him anymore
and
So in his mind there was - ex being withdrawn and not responding to conversation while spending loads of time online. Now there's him trying to talk to me while I'm trying to work or recharge my alone time battery and he has connected the two.

There you go. That's why the extrovert/introvert thing is relevant in this situation. He is taking her need to have time on her own to work or recharge her batteries as a rejection of him, because, as an extrovert, he doesn't understand why she's doing it. He's put two and two together and thinks she doesn't want him any more.

If someone were able to get the understanding of an introvert's needs into his thick skull, then he wouldn't assume she was cheating any more, would he? And then he wouldn't feel the need to check her phone.

It's no good challenging the behaviour without challenging the reasoning behind it. If you can find out the cause and change their thinking on that, then the behaviour will stop anyway.

@baubling

That first bit you quoted is fuck all to do with introvert/extrovert. It's about an absolute dick of a man turning his awful behaviour around and blaming his partner. Why on earth are you attempting to defend abuse?

Sweetly naive baubling

You're right about his needing to address the cause of his behaviour, for it to change. He was a controlling man before he met OP. It's who he is and has been throughout their relationship. OP's introversion did not cause that.

@baubling a little quiz for you:

You are an extrovert and thrive on contact with people. Lockdown has been hard. Your partner is an introvert and you are unsure whether to read their need for space as just that, or as pulling away from you. Do you:

A. Talk to your partner about it, seek reassurance and work with them to find a compromise so that each person in the relationship feels like their needs are being met?

B. Look through their private messages, social media and emails on their phone and laptop at every opportunity. And continue doing it - in front of their face - even though there is nothing incriminating at all and your behaviour is driven purely by paranoia and a need to control your partner?

OP likely would not want to read this post either. Such controlling men do not change, if anything they further ramp up the power and control over time against their chosen target as had happened heree. He does this too because he can and it works for him.

But yeah, next time I choose to ignore someone's boundaries by repeatedly demanding their attention when they are busy working, I will conclude that they have just given me license to snoop on all their private messages and media, blatantly, in front of them.

That's how it works, right?

"If you can find out the cause and change their thinking on that, then the behaviour will stop anyway"

OP is not this man's therapist nor fixer, rescuer and or saviour. What you're saying here then is that its the woman's job to fix her man's behaviours towards her. Only he can do that and besides which he does not want to. He really does has no intention of changing his ways because abusing OP as he is doing works for him.

It's weird reading the responses. My DP is an introvert - well, he actually comes out as an extravert in personality tests, as he loves socialising / noisy places etc. But when at home he doesn't like a lot of noise and never chats for the sake of it. He got wet withdrawn during lockdown. I didn't think he was having an affair. But I did feel paranoid that he didn't want to be with me. Something about being with someone who suddenly didn't like to chat, have sex, be affectionate made me feel awful!

Anyway. Back to the OP, I wonder if something made him start worrying. Like an ex you're still friends with commenting online or something? If you've not been out much he can't be thinking you're seeing someone else! He's out of order though, and shouldn't be checking your phone.

*quite withdrawn, not wet

Right, I'm off to bother DP while he's working, to give myself an excuse to go through his phone.

Then I'll put the fear of massive moodiness and hurt sulks into him, so he doesn't start going out too much when lockdown ends, neglecting me and meeting new people.

He's shown me he's like that, recently. It's not on, in a relationship, is it. He's with me. He needs to be thinking about what I want.

Good plan eh? All cool with the DP apologists on the thread?

The biggest mistake nice people make is assuming that everyone else is nice like them. The very starting point of this thread is that OP knew from the off that her DP has controlling tendencies. He's not like us, he's like that.

Poor old extroverts. How else will they survive this pandemic unless they can go through their partners’ private messages whenever they want?

I've read a lot of books on domestic abuse and the extrovert/introvert excuse has never come up. How odd.

It's the first time I've heard it and there have been a lot of abuse/relationship threads on here. I've never heard it because it's absolute bollocks.

[quote curtainsfort]@baubling

That first bit you quoted is fuck all to do with introvert/extrovert. It's about an absolute dick of a man turning his awful behaviour around and blaming his partner. Why on earth are you attempting to defend abuse?[/quote]
There is absolutely no need for you to be so unpleasantly nasty to me.

I am not attempting to defend abuse. You are clearly incapable of understanding what it means to be an introvert living with an extrovert.

Nowhere am I blaming the OP for any of this. I merely have an understanding of what it is like to be an introvert, and for other family members to not understand why I need alone time. I was merely trying to help the OP.