Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dp checking phone and possibly computer - massive rant

129 replies

BrackenBeaker · 30/11/2020 14:15

So myself and DP, together 8 years, lived together for 5.

Both always wfh and now with covid have spent a lot of this last year in each other's company.

A few weeks ago in a silly argument DP suddenly accused me of cheating on him. This surprised me because a) I'm not and b) even before lockdown my social life was very low key and any socializing I did he was with me 90% of the time. His accusation was also just very nebulous and not about a specific person/time or anything like that.

The next day he apologized for what he said and claimed to not mean it. He then kept bringing it up "as a joke" until I told him it was hurtful and if he had an accusation to come out and say it or to pack it in. He apologized again and agreed.

Since then he has gone out of his way to look at my phone three times that I've seen. I use my phone for work/banking and its always left lying around. He sometimes uses my phone if his is dead and every time I tell him the password. It's a password/set of 4 numbers he could easily remember but seems not to and needs reminding each time. I get the odd message from friends and some social media alerts (twitter). All above board chatting. I am a very boring person Grin I can't emphasize enough that this is a tiny trickle of messages, not loads, not that this is the point. Basically I'm not precious/protective about it at all.

The first time he did it he was holding my phone for me while I sorted something and I turned around to see him scrolling through the alerts/messages. It wasn't so much that he did this but he seemed so intent and serious as he did it, and he'd waited until I was turned away.

The second time I dropped my phone down the side of the sofa while on my laptop. He came across the room and insisted on picking it up. In the process he blatantly checked the phone and the computer screen. I don't mean glancing.

I was logged into my bank on the laptop and my phone to check and move my savings around. Dull, dull, dull. I gave him a bit of a disappointed look and he cracked some joke about oh these men send you money now do they.

I told him to do one.

Third time was just now. He needed to use my phone to make a call. He walks out of the room as the call ends, full minute passes and he walks back in blatantly still scrolling through these boring twitter notifications on there. He was really upbeat afterwards, like he was relieved.

Also, around a week ago we got a takeaway from deliveroo, ordered online. When the status changed to being delivered I went downstairs to receive the delivery. When I came back up, (had to wait a few minutes), the deliveroo tab had been closed, the tab with my twitter was open (I have around 40 tabs open all day everyday and spend very little time on twitter). Dp was also behaving very strangely. I asked him in a joking way if he was messing around on my twitter and he told me that my computer made a weird noise and shut itself down. I pointed out that it was not shut down. It's an ancient model, take ages to start up and besides all my programs (I work as an illustrator) were open and as I left them. He is a terrible liar and this was just obviously not true. I let it go but this bothered me mainly because I write fiction as a hobby and a way to to mange anxiety and he knows that I don't ever want anyone to read any of it unless its finished and also something I wanted anyone else to read.

I just felt really invaded, like he had read my diary or something. He kept coming up to me and hugging me after that and making some odd comments about was I ok, etc. My impression was that he'd read something about depression in the tab where I do my writing. Maybe he didn't but that's what I am thinking now.

Just to be clear if he wanted to use my computer to check something then that would be fine. I don't expect him to root around through things though.

Just before he started with this behaviour he told me that his last serious gf had cheated on him, I never knew this. She also did some unpleasant things like bringing the new bloke round to his house after she left him (for this other guy) and they basically let themselves in. She met the guy online and that's how they built up to her leaving to be with him.

Obviously lockdown has taken a toll on everyone's mental health and this seems to be an insecurity of his that has risen up but my mental health has taken a battering too and while I don't really give a fuck about the phone, waiting until I'm out of the room and then checking through my laptop/reading what is basically a diary and lying about it is not on. I don't know for sure that he did that but he blatantly lied about why the Deliveroo tab was closed and the Twitter one was open.

I'm just tired and I don't need a new problem right now. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 30/11/2020 17:07

It sounds more like he has trust issues because of his ex cheating on him than him covering up an affair by accusing you of having one.

But that said, trust issues are his issue to work through and he should not be invading your privacy by checking your phone and computer. Id tell him enough is enough, he’s checked for months and found nothing because you have nothing to hide. He needs to stop and trust you.

Henio · 30/11/2020 17:09

@forrestgreen

I think you have good reason to check his phone.
I was thinking the same, this screams that he's the one chaeting
Henio · 30/11/2020 17:10

Cheating* 🙄

20bloodypounds · 30/11/2020 17:10

I think it is worrying that he has exhibited controlling-type behaviour before [and well done you for bouncing that back on him]

imo that tells you something about his underlying nature.

Be wary. Be very wary.

BrackenBeaker · 30/11/2020 17:22

Just to all, I won't be checking his phone/computer. Nor will I be upping the security on my own.

@lottiegarbanzo I've never cheated.

@Doublebubblebubble I am safe thank you. I wouldn't be comfortable with him or anyone else I know seeing this thread, no. I wouldn't want someone reading my fiction notes or diaries either. I think anything that reveals a thought process is very personal, just how I feel.

@Baileysandcream The thing about his ex came up in a tipsy rambling conversation. I actually mentioned that my ex from way back had cheated on me. I didn't mean to really bring it up or anything, the conversation just went that way. He then told me about what his ex did. I already knew they had a bad breakup and were not friends after etc. I said that was awful basically.

We've talked a bit and he said he sometimes feels like I don't want him anymore which is not true. I am a bit introverted and my job requires me to sit silently and concentrate whereas he can chat and do other things. I also just want/need to do that for some time each day. So sometimes he is trying to talk to me during the day and I'm not really responding.

So in his mind there was - ex being withdrawn and not responding to conversation while spending loads of time online. Now there's him trying to talk to me while I'm trying to work or recharge my alone time battery and he has connected the two.

Pre lockdown if we were at a social gathering he would be very gregarious and chat to lots of people non stop. I will more join in and go with the flow. So that outlet for lots of talking is gone and I suppose we've found out I can't do that all day and he very much can!

OP posts:
papaelf · 30/11/2020 17:30

We've talked a bit and he said he sometimes feels like I don't want him anymore

Listen to him. This is another example of his control and manipulation. He has turned this round to be about your behaviour not his. Classic. I know you don't want to hear it and you will defend him right now but he is telling you something here. Listen.

This has nothing to do with anyone potentially cheating and everything to do with emotional abuse.

TwentyViginti · 30/11/2020 17:34

Has he said he'll stop his obsessive checking or are you going to let him carry on?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/11/2020 17:47

Thanks for update OP
To me it makes perfect sense that the surface similarities he observed triggered his insecurities and trust issues. I think it was good that he opened up about how he felt and why he felt that way. Now it’s all been explained as emotional scars from his ex affecting his perception, he should be feeling more secure and not be wanting to check your phone/computer any more.

I disagree strongly that him saying his feelings in the conversation you described= emotional abuse, control, manipulation. That would be the case if he were demanding you change your behaviour, but from what I gather in your update, he is not. He should be working to change his reaction because he recognises his reaction is what is wrong here and is caused by his emotional scars from a cheating ex.

BillMasen · 30/11/2020 17:54

@papaelf

We've talked a bit and he said he sometimes feels like I don't want him anymore

Listen to him. This is another example of his control and manipulation. He has turned this round to be about your behaviour not his. Classic. I know you don't want to hear it and you will defend him right now but he is telling you something here. Listen.

This has nothing to do with anyone potentially cheating and everything to do with emotional abuse.

Him being honest about his feelings is control and abuse?

Bonkers

papaelf · 30/11/2020 18:46

*Him being honest about his feelings is control and abuse?
**
*Bonkers

No. Him manipulating the situation is abusive. He turned this round to be about her behaviour and not his. You may think it's bonkers but in my experience of a man starts showing you who he really can be, you should listen. Fuck him and his 'my ex cheated' pish. That's absolutely no reason to behave the way he has.

Mydogmylife · 30/11/2020 18:52

@BillMasen
I agree , poor bugger can't do right for doing wrong! We're always told to discuss any issues that arise in the course of our relationship, this chap fesses up to his feelings and then he's accused of emotional abuse !

BillMasen · 30/11/2020 19:47

@papaelf

*Him being honest about his feelings is control and abuse? ** *Bonkers

No. Him manipulating the situation is abusive. He turned this round to be about her behaviour and not his. You may think it's bonkers but in my experience of a man starts showing you who he really can be, you should listen. Fuck him and his 'my ex cheated' pish. That's absolutely no reason to behave the way he has.

I look forward to you posting that on a thread with a female OP who suspects her partner...
willsa · 30/11/2020 20:06

I completely agree with @papaelf. Everything that's been described that he says/does sounds exactly like the beginnings of paranoid control. It's all the subtle things taken together that paint a picture. I have experience with exactly this situation.

papaelf · 30/11/2020 20:09

I look forward to you posting that on a thread with a female OP who suspects her partner...

Again, because you seem to have missed it, it's not about the affair suspicion.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 30/11/2020 20:20

Fucking knob. Ditch him, it will only get worse, until you've no friends and no life. Believe me.

StrippedFridge · 30/11/2020 20:32

I'd tell him now while things are not heated, to stop doing it because it offends you deeply that he believes you to be cheating and lying to the extent he will check your phones and computers. Tell him to stop or to leave. There is trust or there is not. Then see what he says and then what he chooses in actions. Can he keep his control under control or does his anxiety rule him?

willsa · 30/11/2020 20:44

@StrippedFridge that's great advice right there. My ex showed his true colours at that point - gaslighting first (turning it around on me, that I don't want to spend time with him, that he only does it because he "worries", that it's all in my head, etc) and when I kept pulling him up on it, the true extent of his paranoia revealed itself.

electronVolt · 30/11/2020 21:04

It’s going to be pretty easy to find out if he’s a poor tortured soul or an abusive nob though.

Ask HIM how he intends to fix his own insecurities.

Tortured soul: counselling/ CBT. For HIM to sort out and stop the,obsessing.

Abusive nob: you need to prove you love me ....let me see your phone... let me track you ..... ad infinitum.

OP throw it back to him. What’s his plan. Don’t be the boiled frog.

papaelf · 30/11/2020 21:25

It’s going to be pretty easy to find out if he’s a poor tortured soul or an abusive nob though.

Ask HIM how he intends to fix his own insecurities.

Tortured soul: counselling/ CBT. For HIM to sort out and stop the,obsessing.

Abusive nob: you need to prove you love me ....let me see your phone... let me track you ..... ad infinitum.

He has already put himself into category 2 there as he turned it round on OP by saying he sometimes feels she doesn't want him anymore. This is a very subtle attempt at manipulation of OP mind in order to make her feel she has to prove to him she does.

electronVolt · 30/11/2020 21:29

papa

Yep, in my book he’s already on strike 2 of 3. my comment was designed to get that no 3 strike right out in the open.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/11/2020 21:51

On the 'does she want me any more?' point, OP has explained her need for time alone, simply, clearly and briefly here. There's nothing difficult for him to understand there.

How he copes with being at home more, while OP is at home and needs time alone, is something for him to work out.

OP, you've been cheated on. Can you imagine accusing your OH (this one or any) of cheating on you as a joke then going on and on about it, until they had to ask you to stop. Then going through their devices?

I imagine that, knowing what a huge thing someone cheating on you is, how horrible it feels for the person being cheated upon (something he claims to know too), you wouldn't dream of making such a serious, horrible and destructive accusation of someone you love.

Having done so (for whatever reason), would you expect that person to stay with you? I wouldn't. I would think I'd just destroyed all trust in the relationship.

If that person forgave me, perhaps because I felt bad about having been cheated on previously, was feeling down and they felt I'd become a bit depressed and paranoid, I would think 'wow, they're amazingly forgiving of me, blatantly, openly, deliberately, causing them pain. I wonder what else I can get away with in this relationship? '

lottiegarbanzo · 30/11/2020 22:01

...and whether I want to be allowed to 'get away' with horrible behaviour towards someone I'd hoped loves and respects me. Or whether that toleration - without a really massive apology on my part and, maybe not even with that - indicates a power imbalance and an unhealthy relationship.

OP, I completely understand your sentiment about not wanting to have to deal with this 'one more thing' right now. He's done this to you, he's the one who needs to be trying to fix it. But, you might feel you know how you're going to deal with it, in your own time, without necessarily needing to take on that task right now.

Ophelia2020 · 30/11/2020 22:05

He is being domineering by blatantly looking at the phone in front of you.

The only solution to stop him from doing this is to change your password and deny him access to it. I'm not sure why you won't take steps to stop the snooping.

BilboBercow · 30/11/2020 22:17

I agree with PPs that this is the beginning of even more controlling behaviour op. Be aware of it.

haircutsRus · 30/11/2020 22:45

He is being domineering by blatantly looking at the phone in front of you I agree. He's daring you to challenge him. So challenge him.

A sharp "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" might be in order.