Dp checking phone and possibly computer - massive rant

[BrackenBeaker]

So myself and DP, together 8 years, lived together for 5.

Both always wfh and now with covid have spent a lot of this last year in each other's company.

A few weeks ago in a silly argument DP suddenly accused me of cheating on him. This surprised me because a) I'm not and b) even before lockdown my social life was very low key and any socializing I did he was with me 90% of the time. His accusation was also just very nebulous and not about a specific person/time or anything like that.

The next day he apologized for what he said and claimed to not mean it. He then kept bringing it up "as a joke" until I told him it was hurtful and if he had an accusation to come out and say it or to pack it in. He apologized again and agreed.

Since then he has gone out of his way to look at my phone three times that I've seen. I use my phone for work/banking and its always left lying around. He sometimes uses my phone if his is dead and every time I tell him the password. It's a password/set of 4 numbers he could easily remember but seems not to and needs reminding each time. I get the odd message from friends and some social media alerts (twitter). All above board chatting. I am a very boring person I can't emphasize enough that this is a tiny trickle of messages, not loads, not that this is the point. Basically I'm not precious/protective about it at all.

The first time he did it he was holding my phone for me while I sorted something and I turned around to see him scrolling through the alerts/messages. It wasn't so much that he did this but he seemed so intent and serious as he did it, and he'd waited until I was turned away.

The second time I dropped my phone down the side of the sofa while on my laptop. He came across the room and insisted on picking it up. In the process he blatantly checked the phone and the computer screen. I don't mean glancing.

I was logged into my bank on the laptop and my phone to check and move my savings around. Dull, dull, dull. I gave him a bit of a disappointed look and he cracked some joke about oh these men send you money now do they.

I told him to do one.

Third time was just now. He needed to use my phone to make a call. He walks out of the room as the call ends, full minute passes and he walks back in blatantly still scrolling through these boring twitter notifications on there. He was really upbeat afterwards, like he was relieved.

Also, around a week ago we got a takeaway from deliveroo, ordered online. When the status changed to being delivered I went downstairs to receive the delivery. When I came back up, (had to wait a few minutes), the deliveroo tab had been closed, the tab with my twitter was open (I have around 40 tabs open all day everyday and spend very little time on twitter). Dp was also behaving very strangely. I asked him in a joking way if he was messing around on my twitter and he told me that my computer made a weird noise and shut itself down. I pointed out that it was not shut down. It's an ancient model, take ages to start up and besides all my programs (I work as an illustrator) were open and as I left them. He is a terrible liar and this was just obviously not true. I let it go but this bothered me mainly because I write fiction as a hobby and a way to to mange anxiety and he knows that I don't ever want anyone to read any of it unless its finished and also something I wanted anyone else to read.

I just felt really invaded, like he had read my diary or something. He kept coming up to me and hugging me after that and making some odd comments about was I ok, etc. My impression was that he'd read something about depression in the tab where I do my writing. Maybe he didn't but that's what I am thinking now.

Just to be clear if he wanted to use my computer to check something then that would be fine. I don't expect him to root around through things though.

Just before he started with this behaviour he told me that his last serious gf had cheated on him, I never knew this. She also did some unpleasant things like bringing the new bloke round to his house after she left him (for this other guy) and they basically let themselves in. She met the guy online and that's how they built up to her leaving to be with him.

Obviously lockdown has taken a toll on everyone's mental health and this seems to be an insecurity of his that has risen up but my mental health has taken a battering too and while I don't really give a fuck about the phone, waiting until I'm out of the room and then checking through my laptop/reading what is basically a diary and lying about it is not on. I don't know for sure that he did that but he blatantly lied about why the Deliveroo tab was closed and the Twitter one was open.

I'm just tired and I don't need a new problem right now. Thanks for listening.

Check your privacy settings, can he see where you are by tracking your phone? Turn your phone location off when you go out without him, don't say anything to him before you do it, if he questions you when you get back then you know he is.

To everyone who has been through abuse and control, thank you for taking the time to respond and please take care of yourselves. I come from a very (like extreme) controlling and abusive family situation (now NC) so I know how damaging that kind of thing can be.

@PlanDeRaccordement Yeah he's not suggesting it's my fault or anything as in I have to talk to him all day. I think we just need to change the day to day routine so I get my alone time, then I can and will want company when I'm done. To be clear, I love his company, I think he is awesome so it's not a chore or anything...but if I don't get time alone I get more and more withdrawn and that's basically mirroring the behaviour his ex exhibited before/while she cheated. In my case it's because I've lost some of my space, not that I have a new man on the go!

@BillMasen I think for many people lockdown has changed their relationship dynamic. A dynamic that works for them and perhaps they didn't even realize they were purposefully structuring to suit their personalities.

In this case DP used to have a big chunk of social outlets and I got time to myself to recharge..then when we were together which tbf was most of the time we got on great. Now he is craving much more socializing with me and that upsets my equilibrium. As above this has sort of shamblesed into mirroring how his ex behaved before she cheated. I am fine/happy with more time together, I just need a bit of quiet every day and he doesn't.

I obviously don't agree with and won't tolerate his accusations/snooping in private stuff. Prior to this/lockdown he had some controlling tendencies but I am a bit bolshy tbh so it evened out. If he tried to control me I would shut him down pronto, it was always fairly mild though. Comments like "all these men" and suggesting I'm sneaking around getting some sort of action elsewhere is hurtful though and so he has to stop now before it damages our relationship.

OP, then tell him you need 2 hours daily for yourself in peace and quiet to feel good, to recharge behind closed doors. I can guarantee he will not be OK with that (maybe in words at first, but not in actions). Because he's a bad egg. Everything you write that in your opinion excuses his behaviour, is just more red flags.
What were the other signs? Might be easier to see the full picture and maybe it changes something?

He doesn't get it does he? He's an extrovert and you're an introvert. He craves company, you go round the twist unless you get some time to yourself.

@haircutsRus yeah, I think prior to now our lives where just balanced so I got my space and he got his social contact.

*were

I'm an extrovert but I don't feel the need to check my partner's devices, nor I suffer from cheating paranoia whilst said partner is in lockdown right in front of me.

In fact, all those things that are being done to OP, we're done to me (actually device checking never went that far but I still broke it off) .

OP, are you afraid of him? What do you think he would say if you'd ask for a long walk by yourself daily? Or 2h in a room all by yourself? Do you think that would break the relationship?

It's a fine line between insecurity and paranoia. He has to get himself out of this OP, I'm not sure you can.

You can't prove a negative. So you can't prove to him that you're not cheating. If he doesn't sort this, it'll get worse.

The next step might be accusing you of deleting messages from your supposed OM.

If you tell him to stop looking at your phone, it will be because you're hiding an affair.

If you tell him he can look at your phone any time, he doesn't have to sneak to do it, he'll say it's because you've got another phone somewhere.

And then it'll get to following you to the supermarket because he doesn't believe that's where you're going, and he won't like you going out with friends because he'll think that's not what you're really doing.

You've said you love him, but it may not be enough. He may need professional help.

In the meantime, could you sit him down and tell him quite firmly that you know he thinks you're having an affair, and possibly that's because the last gf did, but what exactly have you done to make him think that? You're guessing it's because you've retreated a bit, you may need to tell him that. But tell him you won't live under such suspicion when you haven't done anything, whatever his ex did you're NOT his ex, and he needs to wind his neck in.

If you did become so paranoid (in lockdown, when you're both at home!) that you followed your urge to search through your OH's devices, would you do it blatantly, in front of them and with excuses so obviously pathetic that they were never intended to be believed?

He's showing you that he's doing it, challenging you to stop him - or to carry on allowing him to do this, so permitting the next thing.

You need to recognise that he is not the same as you. He doesn't think the same way you do, he has a different personality. He's shown you that loud and clear. You are making a fundamental mistake in thinking about his motivation from your point of view; 'if I were the person snooping', 'if I felt stir crazy'. You are a nice person without controlling instincts. He is a person with controlling instincts. You know this, he's told you. His perspective, motivation, his intentions, are different from yours. You can only understand his motivation by looking at his behaviour and inferring backwards, not by starting from your motivations, reading forwards and trying in vain to match and find kind justifications for his behaviours.

I don't think it's a coincidence that this is happening during lockdown. Not just because he's going stir crazy through lack of social contact. But also because he has you in his sights all the time and his natural inclination is to tighten his surveillance and his control over you.

His behaviour is definitely about control. Lots of women on this board are advised to covertly check partner's devices, when the partners exhibit unusually dodgy "I suspect cheating" behaviour.

You have exhibited no such behaviour, and he is checking super overtly.

You already know he has controlling tendencies.

He cannot be allowed to make you pay for past exes cheating.

What is he like if you say you are going out with the girls?
Does he like your friends/family ?
What is he like if you "dress up" to go out.
What is he like if you wear more make up the normal?
Does he say you look nice, or say he doesn't like the colour (etc)
Does he make disapproving noises if you go out to the gym/other in the evening?

I think my concern for you, OP, is that you give the impression you believe that, because you are able to recognise the signs of controlling behaviour, you are capable of preventing that behaviour from affecting your relationship.

I think you're stamping out small fires that all come from the same volcano (and that one day, you'll fail to spot one, until it's too late).

It seems to me that the tendency towards controlling behaviour is deep within him and he is the only person who can hope to address that, to put out the fire at source, probably with professional help.

Living beside a volcano and shouting 'no' periodically is not going to cure him. It is a lifestyle choice and one that requires you to be perpetually vigilant. You need to decide if that's how you want to live.

In the meantime, throw his problem back to him to 'cure'.

I come from a very (like extreme) controlling and abusive family situation (now NC)

I’m not surprised to read this. It would explain why you haven’t gone nuclear immediately at such a blatant disrespect for, and invasion of your privacy.

He really is being utterly controlling and out of order. Who the fuck does he think he is to stand there in front of you abs just go through your phone. It’s a massive boundary violation and I think you need to be looking at a ‘one more strike and your out’ policy. That’s even if you still want to be with him after how he’s behaved until now.

yeah, I think prior to now our lives where just balanced so I got my space and he got his social contact

Another way of looking at it would be to say that, before lockdown you were both able to stay busy enough for him to hide it/you to ignore it. But this is probably who he is and has always been.

What is he like if you say you are going out with the girls?

I'm not really a night out with the girls type. Pre lockdown social life was a group of mutual friends we would see out or visit them or have someone stay with us. He would sometimes make jealous remarks, I would tell him not to be ridiculous. If I was to go have dinner with a female friend he would be far happier than if it was a male I was on my own with. I would still go, though. Most of the time he would be invited anyway. Most people I know would be likely to bring a partner/other friend along too. I'm not hugely social and quite easy going so it's all good to me.

Does he like your friends/family ?

Gets on with all friends, their friends and partners whether male or female.

I am NC with family. Nothing to do with him. He wanted to meet them but then that aspect of my life got too hard to maintain contact.

What is he like if you "dress up" to go out.

Always very complimentary whenever I make any effort at all.

What is he like if you wear more make up the normal?

Complimentary usually. Once in a blue moon he used to imply I was doing it to flirt with someone like the post man or something. He got told to pipe down and did so.

Does he say you look nice, or say he doesn't like the colour (etc)

Never critiques my style. If he says anything it's positive.

Does he make disapproving noises if you go out to the gym/other in the evening?

A little bit now and then. Again, got told to pipe down. I went anyway. I don't ask or make a case to do things. I state I'm going and I go.

We have lived very different lives before meeting. He has not really done many risky things if that makes sense? I've done things like work in dodgy inner city bars and walked home from my job at 4am through really shady areas. I went on a school holiday abroad where there was literally no supervision because the teachers were drunk/asleep all the time and some really dangerous things happened. Partied like a Rolling Stone all through my youth.

So I think that feeds into it. I sometimes can't believe some of the situations I've been in and he is kind of shocked when I talk about it. Maybe he thinks I'm hankering for that lifestyle again. I'm not XD I am quite happy being dull these days.

Natural extroverts are often incapable of comprehending an introvert's need for space, and are apt to misconstrue the reason. They assume their DP doesn't want to spend time with them and believe there must be some underlying problem in the relationship - when in fact the real reason is that their DP just needs some time on their own for a bit.

@haircutsRus I can totally empathize with my need for space coming across as a rejection, Especially when I don't get that space and start getting crankier. I've always known he's more socially inclined than me but I suppose I never thought about what would happen if lockdown came along!

Natural extroverts are often incapable of comprehending an introvert's need for space, and are apt to misconstrue the reason. They assume their DP doesn't want to spend time with them and believe there must be some underlying problem in the relationship - when in fact the real reason is that their DP just needs some time on their own for a bit

This is so irrelevant to what’s actually going on here.

OP, why haven’t you been as assertive with him when it comes to him blatantly checking your phone right in front of your face? Why didn’t you tell him to —fuck off— ‘pipe down’ when you caught him doing it the first time? What’s different about this as opposed to him grumbling about you going to the gym?

Him invading your privacy and not even trying to hide it has nothing to do with being an extrovert.

@haircutsRus

Natural extroverts are often incapable of comprehending an introvert's need for space, and are apt to misconstrue the reason. They assume their DP doesn't want to spend time with them and believe there must be some underlying problem in the relationship - when in fact the real reason is that their DP just needs some time on their own for a bit.

This is sadly what OP is going to take from the thread because it fits with what she wants to hear.

It's also got nothing to do with the behaviour of this man, but hey, you can't beat a good bit of denial

Op you have actually gone on to detail at least 10 more examples of controlling behaviour from your partner, which have been going on since the beginning of the relationship. I don't think you want to hear the good advice you've had in this thread.

At the very least you should change your passcode and tell him that you've done it because he isn't respecting your privacy. But you won't do that because he has made you feel as though you wanting respectful privacy and to be trusted would be a sign of infidelity.

Can you not see how you are constantly trying to prove you are not cheating? Your op and subsequent posts have been full of you defending yourself against being labelled a cheat.

And him suddenly telling you about his previous gf cheating sounds like utter made up bollocks to justify his controlling behaviour.

You can't challenge him because he's been hurt, you can't object to being snooped on because he's been hurt. You have to prove you are faithful because he's been hurt. It's all working very well. His next step will be telling you what you can do that will help him manage his hurt - prepare yourself for 'I don't want you to go out with friends because I've been hurt in the past' 'I don't want you to spend a few hours on your own because I've been hurt'. And you will fall for it all because he has got you trying to 'heal' him by changing.

what does he say when you ask him why he looks through your phone and computer? you can never win sometimes, if you get a new phone or change the password he will get suspicious and blame you even more, if you leave things as they are then you lose your respect for him and your right to privacy.

there's absolutely no reason for him to use your phone, he can charge his own up regularly so it doesn't go dead, what would happen if you forgot to charge yours up/

OP, readying your updates sends me back to being with my ex. It was so slight the shift in his control of our relationship that I didn't see it. I was with him for 15 years. It began by us always going out together to meet my friends (but he went out with his alone), to encourage me to stop making an effort looking nice because he didn't seem to care that I'd made the effort for him, to stop going out and seeing friends altogether because it wasn't worth the silent treatment, walking on egg shells, accusations of flirting. In the end I was a shell of myself...sad and unhappy.
And then you know what....I met someone, had my head turned because this person was complementary, flirty and made me feel wonderful again. I hadn't felt like that for so long. To feel 'seen'.

When it all blew up, my ex told me that he always knew that I would cheat and had been treating me this way to keep me 'controlled'. It did the exact opposite (!) but anyway - my rambling point is: do you think your bf behaves this way because he is convinced that you will cheat? And he's trying to control you so that you don't? Maybe do what I wish I had done because it ended the way it did - sit him down and talk to him, draw a line in the sand and say No More, I will not cheat on you and in return you will not try and control me. If he can't give you that trust, then you can both end it amicability, knowing you tried all you could.