Is this board heavily skewed?

[Smallfry79]

Hi all
Im single most of my adult life. Have had one long term relationship but it was never a great love and i think involved an element of me settling as was always told by friends and family that i was too fussy.
I am very independent have 2 children, good friends, a full time job and family close by. My life is good, pretty full and busy. Sometimes i think my need to be strong and independent is a barrier as i cant let myself be vulnerable.
Anyway despite all this and on an intellectual level thinking i am probably better off single as hard enough fit everyone and everything in as it is i still feel very lonely sometimes. I also wonder what is wrong with me that i never managed to meet someone that loved me and i them.
I never meet anyone out or through friends. Where i live is quiet rural so not a huge population of eligible single men in their 40s. I am 41.
Every now and then i have a go at online dating but conversations usually fizzle out quickly. I am quite fussy though so reject a lot of profiles for many reasons.

So anyway back to the point of my post. I think reading here has made me even more wary of everything. It seems poster's opinion of men are rock bottom and everything is a red flag. Dont get me wrong sometimes it's warrented and i despair at what some ladies are putting up with and excusing but really is every little action by men really a sign of narcissism or control or abuse? If all the single men are this warped then what does it say about single women? Are we all abusive weirdos in our own way too?
I realise that those in happy stable relationships are less likely to be on this board or posting but honestly at this stage I'm thinking of avoiding this board for while as i think it is making me overly suspicious of everything a man does and maybe reading way too much into every individual act or comment?
Does anyone else think that for all the good this board does it could actually be harmful and making us extra paranoid and intolerant?
Hope this makes sense. Im not trying to minimise the serious abuse and experiences of posters but just wonder if maybe sometimes we are so wary we wont give men a chance.

I was single for many years and since no one had a good word to say for them, I almost began to believe that All Men Are Bastards.

I realise that those in happy stable relationships are less likely to be on this board or posting but honestly at this stage I'm thinking of avoiding this board for while

I think this sums it up and I too generally avoid this board - your thread came up in active threads, hence I saw it. I think you would be wise to step away.

Having said that, there have been some incredible threads over the years and I genuinely believe women's lives may have been saved as a result of the support they've had on here (without wishing to sound melodramatic).

This board is an eye opener. An OP posts, thinks her situation is unique - cue a flurry of posters who have experienced very similar scenarios.

This may make the board appear skewed - but in reality highlights how many EA/PA/FA men are out there. Yes women too, but this is mainly a female safe space.

Abusers of all kinds appear to work to a script. Once you see it - you can't unsee.

If MN had been around when I was younger, my life would have been very different. I'd have recognised relationship arseholery early doors.

Yes definitely, I'd almost askll the other way round, how could it not be skewed? online things are always skewed anyway just because people exaggerate and forget there's a person on the other end and bring their own issues into it.
Also people posting here generally need help and need a reality check for something that's not working.
Also the people replying have generally more knowledge because they have experienced or seen first hand the damage, so are more invested.
No relationship is perfect and it has to be right for both people. If you are concerned about yourself and conflicted, you could try getting some perspective on your own life either through thinking through what values you subconsciously gained growing up or if you can afford it getting a professional to help you reconcile how you feel with what you want.
Good luck!

Thing is, by the time someone posts here things tend to be so bad that they really do need help and often really do need to leave and that isn't an overreaction

all the people with normal, happy healthy relationships aren't posting, because there's nothing wrong and posting 'my relationship continues to be wonderful today' would just be weird

People only post when there is a problem. Therefore it appears that all that exists are problems.

You do get the odd cover all 'post if your dp is fantastic' type threads but rarely

I think that when men display unpleasant behaviour it's not up to women to give them a chance, or overlook it because they have other good qualities. I'm not talking about the minor irritations of sharing your life with someone, the things you can laugh off (my husband hates the way I load the dishwasher, I hate the way he puts the plastic tubs in the drawer). But the big, disrespectful things, like expecting that the woman will happily scrub piss off the floor around the toilet, or do all the house work, or the outright cruel things like expecting the woman to buy all the food and clothes for the children and allowing her no freedom.

No one should have to overlook things like that.

I realise that those in happy stable relationships are less likely to be on this board or posting

I post on here because I am in a happy, stable relationship and I see what a contrast it is to the relationships I read about on here. Also because I remember the abusive relationship I was in and see familiar patterns. As a pp said above, it's often pretty bad by the time someone posts about it, so we tend to see the worst relationships. Occasionally people talk about their own good relationships for contrast, but yes, I think if it's getting you down, best to steer clear of this particular board.

I agree with a PP. When I first posted here asking for advice I thought my situation was unique. A couple of people mentioned emotional unavailability which I'd never really heard of but made complete sense.

I am amazed how many men seem to follow the same script...

Mumsnet also opened my eyes as to how intermittent reinforcement can be addictive and the hot and cold pull of some men.

I think the boards are useful.

Of course this board is skewed. No-one is going to post on a forum to say 'I'm really, really happy, are you really happy too, is it usual to be so happy?'

People post here because they need help, support and advice. People respond to offer that help, support and advice and because as pps have said, we all have a presumption of uniqueness which isn't usually helpful to us.

I think that the boards have made me see things through a different perspective. Coupled with some therapy my tolerance for crap is minimal now whereas before my last relationship of 9 years which ended in COVID in my desperation I would of and did put up with rubbish I wouldn’t now

I did online dating in my 40s and tbh the majority of men I met displayed red flags unfortunately. I'm not saying that that is a fair reflection of society but I did wonder if it was a fair reflection of single men over 45!

Thanks for all your replies. I definitely agree that there have been some very useful posts on here and advice for ladies in need. I was reluctant to ask this question for this very reason. I dont want to minimise the cases where posters really are in abusive relationships and seeking help.
I agree with other posters that maybe i just need to step away. I seem to have the opposite problem to a lot of people in that i am more afraid of ending up in a bad relationship than i am of being alone and wonder if i am too readily making up reasons why guys are unsuitable and writing men off all the time. I think this board just gives me even more reasons to do this.
It has been eye opening and im sure helpful to so many to enable them to see the reality of their situation.
For me for now i think i will try stay away for a while, while still keeping the key lessons in the back of my mind.

There is nothing wrong with having high standards! I’d rather be single than having to put up with some of the shit guys you hear about on here.

“Whats for you it’ll no go by you”. As the saying goes. There’s a nice guy out there somewhere for everybody.

I know what you mean OP however through my experience of dating/relationships (I'm in my 20s) and my friends' experiences (generally aged across 20s-30s), I do believe there aren't many good men out there. There is so much cheating, lying, flaking, controlling, abusing, general arseholery. We are women of different backgrounds/lifestyles/ages/cultutes/preferences and we have ALL experienced this shit. Then I move onto the older women I know in various ways and likewise the shit they've been through makes me question what others who keep quiet are experiencing/have experienced. So yes I agree people generally post when the shit hits the fan but I do think there's a massive lack of good men out there who genuinely like and respect women.

I do agree with you, op. I've seen some posters label someone a narcissist with very little evidence and when challenged say they are "raising awareness" so that's all good then

The people that post here are often hurting as a result of their relationships, so it stands to reason the men aren't great...

Why do you discount the men you do? Are you seeking perfection or something like like that? All relationships require elements of compromise.

I think this is a rare place where women get to talk openly about their experiences about men.

I remember when I posted on Reddit's relationship board, there was a total opposite vibe (women suck and are out to get you). When I commented in a "mumsnet way" on one years ago, the (mostly male) audience downvoted it and told me I was just sucking up to women and trying to get their approval.

I have to say, I now eyeroll at the word "narcissist". I don't know why the Internet has decided on that a standard sort of personality diagnosis. We used to just call them arseholes.

I have to say, I now eyeroll at the word "narcissist". I don't know why the Internet has decided on that a standard sort of personality diagnosis. We used to just call them arseholes.

I think some people need a label to explain why someone treated them so badly. It's easier to label someone a "narc" than look at why they tolerated an asshole for as long as they did.

NPD is pervasive. It's not just shitty behaviour to a partner/ex partner. That's an asshole, not a narcissist

This board has its place as there are a lot of bad relationships where views are needed and the person really isn't in a good place.

I do worry about how quickly some are to say LTB, even in long term relationships.

I think there's a lot of projection. A poster puts up something quite tame and posters start ripping into the partner which seems to involve a high level of assumption / assuming the worse.

There's also a lot of double standards, e. g. the 'assertive' woman v the controlling / bullying man.

Same as 'gaslighting'. A term for something very specific now used when someone simply disagrees with you.

Judging by social media activity there are as many female narcissists as men. Look at your FB feed and it’s so easy to spot them.
I do want to ask some posters the same question as I do my teenage DS when he feels he has been treated unjustly, “What did you do to deserve that treatment?” Before I get jumped on by the pps who will point out all types of abuse etc, may I point out that I have known plenty of women who have physically and mentally abused their partners and got away with it because people don’t believe women can be abusers.
In fact, if a narcissist or attention seeker is not receiving the validation they think they deserve in rl surely they are highly likely to turn to an anonymous, virtual medium where they can present a very biased side to their story in order to validate their own reaction/feelings.
The behaviour of some regular posters in relationships sometimes feels like bullying and coercion.

What scares me most about this board is not so much the tales of awful, abusive relationships with controlling arseholes. They are obviously depressing and upsetting and make me angry. But I also know that, although far too common, these are the outliers and the extreme cases that have finally lead to someone posting for help.
I can assume that most relationships are not like that - hence the almost universal expressions of horror and advice to run like the wind.

What makes me unwilling to go into another relationship is the alarming frequency of threads just like one I started a couple of years ago. The ones that say:

I love my husband with all I have. We have a lovely life. We get on well and have fun and make each other laugh. The sex is good, we have beautiful children. I thought we were forever...

And then find he's fucking about either physically or emotionally behind her back or just suddenly pisses off one day without looking back for someone else.

These threads come up every single day.

Even had this not happen to me, I would be scared and distrustful of falling in love, trusting and letting a man into my life because the destruction caused by that unforeseen behaviour is so complete

I won't risk it. Not when it is such a familiar story. I would rather be alone and know that then only person capable of pulling the rug out from under me, is me.

No one seems to be immune from their previously loving husband having their head turned and causing total carnage.

Never again. Certainly not seeing how often it happens on here.

I've often thought the same about this board but then I need to remind myself that people don't come on here to talk about healthy loving relationships - they're usually here to share a problem so I think that's why it can seem skewed. That's my view anyway!

I also hate using catch-all words like narcissist and gaslighting but they're just shorthand for explaining damaging patterns of behaviour that are often invisible to anyone outside the family.

Before I found this board and consequently researched a lot about actual narcissists, I used to have no idea about NPD. It's not just being a bit selfish, it's an actual personality disorder, but due to the nature of narcs they won't get diagnosed or take responsibility, they'll just keep attacking their target, who goes slowly insane as nobody else can see what's happening.

That's just 1 reason why this board can be important and helpful, as people can share experiences and realise other people are going through similar and, hopefully, address their own behaviours in order to stop dysfunctional or abusive relationships from happening in the first place.

If you can't understand that the people needing support and advice are those in difficult or abusive relationships rather than people posting to announce everything is fine, then yes you should probably stop reading this board.

How can it not be? People don’t have a tendency to post online asking for thoughts/opinions on their happy relationship.