Is this board heavily skewed?

[Smallfry79]

Hi all
Im single most of my adult life. Have had one long term relationship but it was never a great love and i think involved an element of me settling as was always told by friends and family that i was too fussy.
I am very independent have 2 children, good friends, a full time job and family close by. My life is good, pretty full and busy. Sometimes i think my need to be strong and independent is a barrier as i cant let myself be vulnerable.
Anyway despite all this and on an intellectual level thinking i am probably better off single as hard enough fit everyone and everything in as it is i still feel very lonely sometimes. I also wonder what is wrong with me that i never managed to meet someone that loved me and i them.
I never meet anyone out or through friends. Where i live is quiet rural so not a huge population of eligible single men in their 40s. I am 41.
Every now and then i have a go at online dating but conversations usually fizzle out quickly. I am quite fussy though so reject a lot of profiles for many reasons.

So anyway back to the point of my post. I think reading here has made me even more wary of everything. It seems poster's opinion of men are rock bottom and everything is a red flag. Dont get me wrong sometimes it's warrented and i despair at what some ladies are putting up with and excusing but really is every little action by men really a sign of narcissism or control or abuse? If all the single men are this warped then what does it say about single women? Are we all abusive weirdos in our own way too?
I realise that those in happy stable relationships are less likely to be on this board or posting but honestly at this stage I'm thinking of avoiding this board for while as i think it is making me overly suspicious of everything a man does and maybe reading way too much into every individual act or comment?
Does anyone else think that for all the good this board does it could actually be harmful and making us extra paranoid and intolerant?
Hope this makes sense. Im not trying to minimise the serious abuse and experiences of posters but just wonder if maybe sometimes we are so wary we wont give men a chance.

This board isn't for people to post saying how happy and wonderful their relationship is. I don't think you should assume all men are abusive but equally, it can't hurt for you to have some dealbreakers and know some red flags when you're dating

Yes its an interesting one alright. I too had never knew so many narcissists existed or had heard much about gaslighting etc before coming on here. Most relationships i know seem happy enough but it makes you wonder what goes on that you dont see.
I do think though that for myself im losing perspective on what is normal and jumping to judge everything and everyone as dysfunctional.
Probably says more about me than anyone else.
Also agree with the point above about people being totally blindsided by cheating partners. Ive been told before i have a wall and i think maybe i do. Id hate to be blissfully unaware all the while i was being cheated on and all the stories on here just make me more insecure and distrusting.
For meci think that for a relationship to work you have to take a risk and allow yourself to be vulnerable, letting go of all your insecurities and that is something i struggle with and reading here makes me less likely to chance anything.

I’ve learnt a lot off these boards. They helped me see my LTR for what it was. And then years later the support I got when I was hideously dumped was invaluable. I think you give to it and take from it what you can. Sometimes I see a thread and it just resonates so much with something you’ve been through yourself.
I don’t think this board has made my cynical about relationships. Life has done that. What it has helped me with is acknowledging that a single and fulfilled life can be just as happy as life in a relationship. It’s no worse, no better. Lots of like minded people who try to help others finding themselves facing single life unexpectedly can be good I think

"Does anyone else think that for all the good this board does it could actually be harmful and making us extra paranoid and intolerant?"

Yes.

In fact, I think MN in general is quite man hating. I've seen posts where the woman was clearly in the wrong but posters will try and find a way to twist it into how it could be the man's fault. And men get very different replies to women.

There is some really good advice on here, but also some shocking advice and many things are 'red flags' when they really aren't.

I think there are a lot of women here who have shared their lives with some appalling men.

The men people here speak of bare no resemblance to any I've ever met, be that my father, husband, colleagues, friends or partners of friends. I generally find the vast majority of people to be decent but you'd never know it from these boards.

I do think though that for myself im losing perspective on what is normal and jumping to judge everything and everyone as dysfunctional.
Probably says more about me than anyone else.

I have never known anyone undergo a personality change from reading an internet forum. If this could happen then analysis and therapy would be so easy... Are you perhaps referring to being more aware? A little more educated about the difficulties that other people face?

You need to develop discrimination to bring what you understand from reading to your own life. This is true for everyone.

If this increase in loss of perspective is truly happening to you, and this isn't some sort of long-winded, rather passive criticism of the board, then - why do you continue reading it? Or are you obliquely trying to infer that 'others' are being affected in the odd way that you claim that you are being affected?

For meci think that for a relationship to work you have to take a risk and allow yourself to be vulnerable, letting go of all your insecurities and that is something i struggle with and reading here makes me less likely to chance anything.

Reading this board seems to feed your insecurities. Why do you feel the need to do that, to feed them? This is a genuine question - there is little difference between staying with a man who makes you feel bad and staying with a forum that makes you feel bad, surely?

You need to find your own discrimination or there will always be something to blame for the way you feel.

OP I agree with you to an extent ,and you sound very together and a string minded woman who can make up her own mind.
However when I was in a very abusive relationship , I was a shell of my former self and just about holding it together with a small toddler as well. My ex's mental cruelty had me believing it was all in my own head. Stories on here woke me up to the fact he was an abuser and I eventually found the strength to leave.
For every so called man hater on here there is a woman that has come out the other side x

* strong minded not string minded lol

By its very nature, the people posting on this board asking for relationship help are likely to be in a dysfunctional relationship of one sort or another. I suspect that the majority of replies come from people in the same boat, or have been in the past.

But... there will be many more people who are in good relationships - we just don't hear from them.

Which skews things a bit.

Another who's life experiences and those of the people I know that has skewed my perspective on men.

The boards just opened my eyes to how much of it (so so similar) goes on with so many men. It's depressing to think how pervasive arseholery/abuse is but that's not the boards fault, it's the large portion of men that are twats fault.

It's such an incredible resource here and in all honesty I think a lot of people are too quick to explain away bad behaviour/red flags in some threads.

Not every situation is a LTB one but agree with all those who've said by the time someone posts on here it's usually gotten really bad. In those situations they have often already tried talking/therapy etc etc to no avail and sometimes as awful as it is, there is no way back and LTB is the only thing left for them to do.

Of course it's skewed.

Who comes here and starts a thread titled I'm happy and my partner is awesome.

No one.

Absolutely it is and the level if projection sometimes is alarming. I think a lot if the regular responders have read a lot of self help books and bandy the buzz words around willy nilly for often minor offenses. Narcissist, gaslighting, controlling, toxic, breadcrumbing?. It's a little like when someone calls child abuse on a thread because people give the kids coco pops for breakfast.

Board is naturally skewed but most SM is. On this board skewed to that a lot of relationships are toxic. A lot will be but there is also exaggeration and maybe too quick responses of LTB.

OTOH likely to see a skew to very happy (or appearing so) relationships on FB.

The thing is that we tend to turn to message boards when things are bad, complicated or in some other way dysfunctional. The millions of women in happy relationships probably aren't reading and posting to relationship orientated forums at 3am! I'm good now but the people here offered me great advice and support when my marriage imploded

Who comes here and starts a thread titled I'm happy and my partner is awesome.

I remember someone posting a thread about being in a happy relationship on here earlier this year. Some posters told her this was not the place to do that. Yes, really. Another reason perhaps why it is skewed

Absolutely it is and the level if projection sometimes is alarming. I think a lot if the regular responders have read a lot of self help books and bandy the buzz words around willy nilly for often minor offenses. Narcissist, gaslighting, controlling, toxic, breadcrumbing?. It's a little like when someone calls child abuse on a thread because people give the kids coco pops for breakfast.

You forgot love bombing. Because a guy cant just be out to impress early on in the dating game... Everything is now a red flag (even when it actually isn't)

@Haffiana Im not sure why I continue to read it. I am interested in others ecperiences and have learned a lot. My posts are honest and upfront and definitely not a sneaky undehanded criticism. I am not suggesting 'others' are being affected I am simply saying that I have started to wonder if reading all the stories and talk of red flags here could for some, me included, lead to a sort of hypervigilance and over estimation of the liklihood of abuse. I will admit that i, like everyone read and interpret things through the lens of our own experiences and beliefs.
I have i believe acknowledged that the board can and does help a lot of people.
I think a few on here can see where i am coming from so that is reassuring. We are all different and will never all see everything the same way.
I hope i haven't offended posters, i was asking for a general perspective on representativeness etc not to dismiss the real and sometimes shocking experiences of posters.

@Windmillwhirl re lovebombing etc that is a good example. Whereas once that could have been a sign that he was interested, romantic, attentive now id be wondering is it lovebombing? How much is too much etc

Hey, let's not be too hasty to condemn this board for giving out information that is totally unaccountable and biased. Give it a chance.

Condone it for the good that it does.

@CunnyLingus

Hey, let's not be too hasty to condemn this board for giving out information that is totally unaccountable and biased. Give it a chance.

Condone it for the good that it does.

You are right, I was being flippant There is also a huge number posters who invest time and give good advice and support.

OK. Just remember not to forget to challenge the biased and unaccountable.

It is very easy to get wrapped up in what posters are saying and lose your independent mind.

Well of course it's skewed - people don't generally post a thread on the relationships board saying "My husband is nice and we get on well"!

Tbh I rarely see a thread on here where people say ltb and I disagree with them. A relationship doesn't have to be very abusive for it to be better to end it. The only acceptable amount of abuse is none. Tbh there are plenty of husbands and partners described on here who sound like they should be dumped even if they are not abusive (just lazy, inconsiderate arseholes).

And for the avoidance of doubt, I'm happily married, I don't think men are all abusers, I'm well aware that women can be abusive too, and that leaving a relationship is often not easy.

I think the benefits of mumsnet far outweigh the statistics of making women who read the boards too wary of developing a relationship.

It may make you pickier, but I believe everyone who is on here has no doubt as to why they are here.

I've read some incredibly insightful comments where the subject had no relevance to me whatsoever but if it did affect me, sure it maybe would make me think twice.
So what your asking is "does mumsnet influence people?"...

I hope so.

42% of marriages in the UK end in divorce:

The main reasons are cited (from a legal site) are:

Top 10 Reasons for Divorce in the UK
Adultery – Whether this is used on a divorce petition or not, affairs are often one of the main reasons why a relationship can breakdown. The Office of National Statistics show that adultery is only stated in 14% of divorce petitions, it can be hard to prove if the other partner will not admit it. Therefore, adultery is a factor in many more divorces that the statistics suggest.
Drifted Apart – Many couples don't notice that as the years go by, they move further apart. They may find that they just don't have anything that binds them together anymore and could find themselves in separate bedrooms or spending much of their lives separately.
Money Problems – Money worries can put a big strain on a marriage. In fact, there was a surge of divorces in 2010 which coincided with the aftermath of the financial crisis and recession. If one partner is spending excessive amounts or getting into debt, the other may not want to continue the marriage as a result.
Abuse – Physical or mental abuse in a marriage can cause irreparable damage.
Addiction – There are many things to be addicted to in this day and age. Whether it is alcohol, drugs, gambling or other addictions, they can have a serious impact on a marriage and on family life. Addiction can be linked to many other of the top 10 reasons for divorce, such as money problems, unhappiness, abuse and communication issues.
Different Parenting Ideas – Most couples have no idea of the difference of opinions that can arise once they have children. This can cause real conflict in a marriage, and could even result in the end of the marriage.
Appearance – People change throughout their life and this may be an old cliché, but some divorces happen as a result of changes in appearance; whether this is putting on weight or looking older.
Unhappiness – This can be a driving factor in divorce. Many people take the view that life is short and you should not waste time in an unhappy marriage. Life together at the beginning can be great, but once the everyday reality of your life together sinks in, your happiness, or lack of, could be a reason to get a divorce.
Cultural Issues – Some cultures directly conflict with each other and this can cause tension in a marriage. Love seems to conquer all at the beginning but issues caused by culture or religion may quickly stack up.
Communication Issues – Communication is the basis of all good relationships and if there is a lack of communication in a marriage this can cause frustration and ill feeling.

Relationship breakdown for unmarried couples is higher. So I suppose that we have a 50/50 chance of it working out. No idea what the stats are for additional people continuing to stay in unhappy relationships.

IMHO it’s good to be informed - to know the risks and benefits and make your own decisions. Also to know that kind and respectful behaviours are the basics of any RS - with friends, colleagues, children, parents as well as what coercive control (sexually, emotionally and financially) looks like early on so that you can make choices before you are in too deep.

OP - there is no such thing as “too fussy” - you have your own unique needs, wants, standards, boundaries - which may or may not be flexible. Sounds like you have created a stable, safe, busy, social and aspirational life for you and your DCs single handedly. That’s to be applauded and protected.

I think the benefits of mumsnet far outweigh the statistics of making women who read the boards too wary of developing a relationship. It may make you pickier, but I believe everyone who is on here has no doubt as to why they are here.

Yy. You often see women on here saying they wish they'd had Mumsnet advice when they were with their awful exes. Anyway, I'm not sure there's any such thing as too picky. I'd much rather be single than with someone who doesn't genuinely make me very happy and make my life better in pretty much every way.