Is this board heavily skewed?

[Smallfry79]

Hi all
Im single most of my adult life. Have had one long term relationship but it was never a great love and i think involved an element of me settling as was always told by friends and family that i was too fussy.
I am very independent have 2 children, good friends, a full time job and family close by. My life is good, pretty full and busy. Sometimes i think my need to be strong and independent is a barrier as i cant let myself be vulnerable.
Anyway despite all this and on an intellectual level thinking i am probably better off single as hard enough fit everyone and everything in as it is i still feel very lonely sometimes. I also wonder what is wrong with me that i never managed to meet someone that loved me and i them.
I never meet anyone out or through friends. Where i live is quiet rural so not a huge population of eligible single men in their 40s. I am 41.
Every now and then i have a go at online dating but conversations usually fizzle out quickly. I am quite fussy though so reject a lot of profiles for many reasons.

So anyway back to the point of my post. I think reading here has made me even more wary of everything. It seems poster's opinion of men are rock bottom and everything is a red flag. Dont get me wrong sometimes it's warrented and i despair at what some ladies are putting up with and excusing but really is every little action by men really a sign of narcissism or control or abuse? If all the single men are this warped then what does it say about single women? Are we all abusive weirdos in our own way too?
I realise that those in happy stable relationships are less likely to be on this board or posting but honestly at this stage I'm thinking of avoiding this board for while as i think it is making me overly suspicious of everything a man does and maybe reading way too much into every individual act or comment?
Does anyone else think that for all the good this board does it could actually be harmful and making us extra paranoid and intolerant?
Hope this makes sense. Im not trying to minimise the serious abuse and experiences of posters but just wonder if maybe sometimes we are so wary we wont give men a chance.

@Oxyiz

I have to say, I now eyeroll at the word "narcissist". I don't know why the Internet has decided on that a standard sort of personality diagnosis. We used to just call them arseholes.

I'm not sure if people know what that word actually means. It's vanity, arrogance, self-obsession, a sense of entitlement and an inflated if not delusional sense of one's grandeur and importance. It's 'me, myself & I' taken to an extreme level. There are loud ones, like Trump, and there are quiet ones who communicate all those things through more subtle means. It's a type of asshole.

We used to just call them arseholes

There are lots of women who doubt themselves when it comes to judging whether their partners' behaviour is unreasonable, often because they have experienced worse before or grew up in a dysfunctional family. I can imagine that specific labels with descriptions of types of behaviour are quite useful in those cases. Whereas 'arsehole', though accurate, is a bit subjective.

@EarthSight

I would also say true narcisists, at least in in my experience is a total lack of empathy.
A complete lack of understanding what pain is, in another entity.

They may be able to mirror the feelings of others but when you are exposed to their real selves, it's one of the most frightening experiences on God's earth.

Many people who post on here do have partners who have narcisistic traits, which can be pointed out by others.

You don't automatically know you are with one unless you are educated about the facts.

Some older women who have suffered at the hands of narcs for many years couldn't even put a name to it, to them it's just abuse.
Younger women should arm themselves with knowledge as narc behaviour always becomes worse.

I think Mumsnet should offer younger women knowledge, and if people think the language or terminolgy of narcisism is used too freely, then so be it , if it stops one woman being seriously harmed in the future.

Knowledge can be a powerful warning.

I realise that those in happy stable relationships are less likely to be on this board or posting

Very true, but more importantly when a poster does talk about their happy relationship, they're told that they are gloating and being insensitive to those in abusive relationships or bad relationships. They literally get abused and insulted for posting starting a positive post about their relationship and their OH.

If you want to take another approach, look at the proportion of marriages which end in divorce. Then find out the proportion of married couples who consider themselves in a happy relationship.

LTB

@Sssloou

Thanks for posting that divorce statistic. It's probably a lot higher than people realise. I discovered it earlier on in the year and was surprised. Thanks for the breakdown citing reasons as I was not aware of those.

I am a man. It horrifies me when I read of some of the accounts of how some men have behaved, and saddens me reading of women who have stayed with men who if violence was ever justified (it is not) deserve a good kicking.

I recognise though that those in happy or even just good relationships are not going to be posting here for advice or comment.

@StCharlotte

I was single for many years and since no one had a good word to say for them, I almost began to believe that All Men Are Bastards.

I realise that those in happy stable relationships are less likely to be on this board or posting but honestly at this stage I'm thinking of avoiding this board for while

I think this sums it up and I too generally avoid this board - your thread came up in active threads, hence I saw it. I think you would be wise to step away.

Having said that, there have been some incredible threads over the years and I genuinely believe women's lives may have been saved as a result of the support they've had on here (without wishing to sound melodramatic).

Rubbish. I am in a happy relationship, but I have also had relationships that were not so. I am quite happy to be here thanks

There are plenty of people in good stable relationships on MN - but it just happens that this sub-board is about relationships and most people post on it about problems in relationships for advice on solving them. Not about how happy they are and all loved up.

But it's not just about problems in a partnership/marriage relationship.

There are plenty about issues with Siblings, with our own Parents or Parents-in-Law.

And even further extended relationships - aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, step families (not necessarily just step children as they have their own board - but step parents of adults and step siblings and issues that relate to adulthood). Or to do with relationships such as work colleagues - how to relate to people around you.

I am in a happy marriage. But I have learned an awful lot to both help me in that relationship and to manage other relationships around me as a result of this particular board. How to communicate better to different types of people. How to manage those who have difficult personalities. etc.

I certainly don't think that it has made me into a man hater. Just someone who is more aware of myself and others, and better able to communicate wants and NEEDS, (and not always for myself but to protect others in my immediate circle) and not just be walked over by certain others in my life.

Yes I agree with you OP and I’ll leave it there as don’t want to offend any posters

I think there's often a lack of balanced perspective on here, with people far too quick to jump to conclusions based on their own unique experiences. You see it with "There is a woman at DH's place of work...." which immediately gets a response of "I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THEY ARE SHAGGING!!!!", which is palpably ridiculous as X random mumsnetter has absolutely no more insight into the poster's life that the scant few lines of text posted.

I think it's natural to recognise when someone is in a similar situation to one that you yourself have experienced in the past, but I also think that often skews judgement and prevents posters from being able to rationalise that 'similar' is not 'identical in every way'.

On every messageboard I've ever read there is an overwhelming tendency towards complete black or white thinking on any issue. Life is about shades of grey for the most part, so I find it amusing and bemusing in equal measure when people wade in, stridently certain about aspects of an OP's life that they couldn't possibly know much of anything about.

Even the example in this thread of 'red flags'. I view the very notion of 'red flags' as ridiculous and dismiss it totally, because it presumes that all human beings display some commonality, and the causes of that commonality are invariably identical, and as a result, you can draw the exact same conclusion every single time. It's nonsense. So a man describing the irrational behaviour of his ex-partner is a 'red flag'? So we're supposed to just accept that any man who does this is somehow displaying an undesirable behaviour that we should all be wary of?, even the ones with genuinely unhinged ex-partners that they discuss when prompted? This is before you even come to some of the more laughable ones, such as the ultimate crime of being the wrong side of 30 and never having been married/long-term relationship/a father. Nope, can't possibly imagine any legit reasons for someone being like that. Must be a complete and utter deviant and best avoided!

I’m happily married but came to Mumsnet to get advice on an issue with my best friend. It was so useful that I dip in and out to give advice to other people who have asked for it. I genuinely want to help. I’ve had my share of frogs and been cheated on in the past and had my share of crap relationships!

It's a given that some women have been immensely supported and helped on here.

But I have sometimes observed, to my absolute horror, that what sounds like actually just a standard up and down in a relationship has been seized upon and even ended up with the woman feeling morally obliged to leave her partner, have an abortion, etc. The volume and forcefulness of response/opinion has been such that some vulnerable women have seemed to feel they should be ashamed of any instinct or analysis that goes against that 'popular' voice. I've thought how this has at times probably changed lives for the worse.

The onslaught of response and knee-jerk LTB reactions can be overwhelming. It feels like it's own version of bullying.

But this is an open forum and all types will be on here. And as you've said, definitely a higher proportion of ones with relationship problems, so more weighted perhaps towards negative interpretations of male behaviour.

And I definitely feel there are the haves and the have nots - those who have a husband and those who don't. There's also a lot of talk about getting free to choose again. But as you've noted, that grass has no guarantee of being greener. You might just be stuck in the holding pen indefinitely, not finding anyone because you're now too nervous of possible faults.

Just maybe be judicious in which threads you read. Some are amazing. And maybe decide to come on here to help, rather than be helped. That can be very much worthwhile.