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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped by text after 2 years

70 replies

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 04:29

Just looking for a bit of a handhold, barely slept the last 2 nights.
Been in a relationship for two years with the absolute love of my life and he said he felt the same way. We didn’t live together as both have kids and wanted to do the best for them. But we were happy! Saw each other when we could, had the same outlook on life, had amazing sex, laughed together all the time. And then suddenly he had a family crisis on Wednesday, went off radar and then texted me on Friday finishing with me. I’m heartbroken, can’t eat or sleep and just trying to keep going for the kids. Just don’t know how I ever going to feel better, this feels like being a teenager again and it’s awful!

OP posts:

MildDrPepperAddiction · 29/11/2020 04:30

I didn't want to read and run. I hope you're ok. You've had a terrible shock. Did he say why?

Original poster

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 04:32

Just that things were too hard and he couldn’t see a way through. It was difficult at times as we didn’t ever really mix the kids so finding time together could be tough. But the times we were together we made each other so happy, or so I thought.

OP posts:

BefuddledPerson · 29/11/2020 04:34

Oh I feel so sorry for you, that's dreadfully upsetting. All you can do right now is really take care of yourself, the big difference between your situation and that of a teenager is you know you will heal, but it will take time and it can't be rushed.

Have you had any more information or explanation?

Anordinarymum · 29/11/2020 04:36

After two years - just like that ! There has to be a bit more to this OP. Does he get depressed ?

Original poster

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 04:41

He’s not good in a crisis and tends to push people away. He’s always been worried about integrating us with his kids as he felt it would be hard on them. Starting to wonder if he was never as into me as I was to him, and he was just telling me way I wanted to hear. I guess when the chips were down I’m just not his priority.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2020 04:42

I would bet he's found another woman.

Original poster

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 04:48

@Aquamarine1029

I would bet he's found another woman.

Perhaps, but right now I just need a hand hold and to try and feel better rather than analyse they whys and whats. I’m doing plenty of that in my own head anyway.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 29/11/2020 04:51

Offering a hand but at the same time wondering why your children did not meet after two years ? That would be something I would think about. Not letting them meet because it was never going to go anywhere ?
You saw each other when you could so he was basically a free agent OP.

Dia12 · 29/11/2020 04:55

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Just goes to show some men just never change their level of maturity. Two years is quite long term and I wouldn't expect things to end so abruptly and especially via text. This really isn't the way sincere and decent men behave.
Still, better to find out now and cut your losses. You are worth more than this and you will find someone who can demonstrate that you.

Indoorcamping · 29/11/2020 05:08

Are you certain you weren't the other woman?

Original poster

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 05:16

@Indoorcamping

Are you certain you weren't the other woman?

I’m certain. Our kids did meet a couple of times and were aware of each other but they didn’t get in brilliantly and he always had such guilt about not being with them full time. We spent time in each other’s homes and met each other’s friends.

OP posts:

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 29/11/2020 05:18

Have a hand to hold op. I've been there and it fucking sucks. Big time and a hug too.

Original poster

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 05:22

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

Have a hand to hold op. I've been there and it fucking sucks. Big time

and a hug too.

Thank you x

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 29/11/2020 05:24

Sorry OP. Be gentle on yourself. Focus on staying hydrated. Eat if you can
It will feel horrible right now but take it moment by moment and it will get better.

BiblioX · 29/11/2020 05:29

How horrible for you, I know it won’t help your feelings right now but better to find out what he is really like at 2 year mark rather than even longer. Please be gentle on yourself for a while, you will be in shock with the suddenness. Big hand hold here.

Grobagsforever · 29/11/2020 05:33

Hi @Ilovebolly

Been exactly where you are. Two year relationship, our kids only met 3 times. Finding time together difficult, both had busy jobs etc. He broke up with me with no warning, everything had seemed great.

Looking back I realise it was not great, there was no commitment on his side, no willingness to find ways to spend more time together.

In my case there was another woman, I found out through a bit of light social media staking months later. He'd met her on a single parents holiday...(with kids).

I'm so glad he ended it. A year later I met man who is all in, my kids adore. We just moved in together and are very happy.

I'm certain long term this man has done you a favour. I'm so sorry you're hurting now, but you deserve better than a half arsed relationship.

Original poster

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 05:42

@Grobagsforever

Hi *@Ilovebolly*

Looking back I realise it was not great, there was no commitment on his side, no willingness to find ways to spend more time together.

In my case there was another woman, I found out through a bit of light social media staking months later. He'd met her on a single parents holiday...(with kids).

I'm so glad he ended it. A year later I met man who is all in, my kids adore. We just moved in together and are very happy.

I'm certain long term this man has done you a favour. I'm so sorry you're hurting now, but you deserve better than a half arsed relationship.

Thank you so much, this has really helped. You’re right it was half a relationship and I deserve more. Just need the pain to go away so I can try to move on!

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 29/11/2020 05:44

Bolly sometimes the best handhold is the reality one. You invested two years of your life and yourself in this man. You can't just switch off like that, but think about it - he has.

Holding out for you x

Original poster

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 06:02

Thank you x

OP posts:

ScabbyHorse · 29/11/2020 06:21

Sorry to hear this. Seems very sudden. What was the family crisis?

Itsallchange · 29/11/2020 06:37

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 I know the feeling it tears you apart and you sit wondering why?? Replaying everything Over in your head, blaming yourself, if only you did this if you hadn’t said that......take some time for you to heal, your heart will repair and in time you’ll feel better 😘

Eckhart · 29/11/2020 06:38

What a shock for you. I've had this happen too, and to be honest, a few years on, my only thoughts I have towards my ex are 'What a prat.'

Either the relationship was all it seemed to be, and he's just done one of the most disrespectful things possible to you, or it wasn't, and you've found out the hard way. Whichever option it was, this one move is all you need to see that he doesn't deserve 'Love of my life' status.

I cried for ages. I had to keep nipping into the toilets when I was at work for a cry. At the start, it was sometimes every few minutes. But, something that did help was recognising that feeling upset was a process, and that it would end. Eventually I was laughing at myself for crying, whilst I was crying!

Allow yourself your emotions, OP; don't squash them down. You say he's generally not good in a crisis. Were there red flags, maybe?

Original poster

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 06:43

Thank you for the kind words. It is horrible and I do keep replaying things in my head and wondering if that was the reason.

He’s the first big relationship since my divorce so it’s hitting me pretty hard. But the more I think about what you are all saying there probably were lots of red flags that I just chose to ignore as I got swept along by him.
I’ve cried a few times the last few days but for me it’s more the not being able to eat and sleep. When I do sleep I wake up in a blind panic that I’m going to be alone forever.

OP posts:

Mamanyt · 29/11/2020 06:53

Allow yourself a bit of time to grieve. I'm betting, having been in a very similar situation myself, that you'll come to realize in time that you are grieving more for the time you wasted than for him. That's when you will know you are truly beginning to heal.

And I will tell you another secret...being alone isn't the tragedy that so many portray it as being. I am now alone by choice. It isn't that I don't plan on ever getting married again, it is that I plan on not getting married again, if you see the difference there. I learned to truly like myself, to value my own company, and to treasure my time with myself. Selfish? Perhaps, but I had two relationships spanning a total of 26 years where my every decision was based on what someone else wanted. Now, I base my decisions on what I want. I and myself are ecstatically happy together...althought, there is a cat. And I'm selfish enough not to mind the stereotype in the least.

tiredofthisbsagain · 29/11/2020 06:56

So sorry you are going through this OP, big hugs for you and take it one day at a time now you can worry about those things later right now you need to heal first x

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