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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped by text after 2 years

70 replies

Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 04:29

Just looking for a bit of a handhold, barely slept the last 2 nights.
Been in a relationship for two years with the absolute love of my life and he said he felt the same way. We didn’t live together as both have kids and wanted to do the best for them. But we were happy! Saw each other when we could, had the same outlook on life, had amazing sex, laughed together all the time. And then suddenly he had a family crisis on Wednesday, went off radar and then texted me on Friday finishing with me. I’m heartbroken, can’t eat or sleep and just trying to keep going for the kids. Just don’t know how I ever going to feel better, this feels like being a teenager again and it’s awful!

OP posts:
Krampusasbabysitter · 29/11/2020 06:57

Virtual hugs, chocolates, ice cream, nice books, films, and anything else that soothes and distracts you. Just focus on any short term steps to get you through the immediate few days. No point to torture yourself as to why right now. If and when you might find out more, it can help with the next phase, of probably some anger to get you through until you feel more indifferent. Eventually, those red flags will remind you that you are now free to find a better fit for you and your kids. Who knows, you might have saved yourself a real nightmare of dealing with his kids not getting on with yours.

WokesFromHome · 29/11/2020 07:01

As other have said, it sounds like long term he has done you a favour. If he has another woman then bully for him. His family dramas are still going to be there whether she has DC or not.

It hurts right now but don't look on it as time wasted. He was the first person you got heavy with since your divorce. You now know that you can love someone again and that you would like to be with someone. He was your "refresher course".

Get yourself something to help you sleep. Go to the chemist and try Nytol or Kalms 1 a night and some lavender drops on your pillow. Also, if you are feeling anxious in the day some St. Johns Wort.

Eckhart · 29/11/2020 07:01

When I do sleep I wake up in a blind panic that I’m going to be alone forever

When you've just been dumped, singledom feels like a proper horror. When you've been single for a while and got the hang of it, singledom absolutely rocks. You don't need to be in a relationship, and if you feel you do, you need to learn that you don't, before having any more relationships.

I know you feel like shit being single right now, but make it your aim to be single and happy for a while. It's good enough for Kristen Scott Thomas, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston... google 'single celebrities', pick one you like, and pretend to be them for a while. It'll boost your confidence, which has taken a big knock and needs some support right now. Single isn't 'alone'. Single is 'emotionally independent'. It's a muscle we all have to build. You are currently at emotion-gym, working VERY hard.

WokesFromHome · 29/11/2020 07:02

Also, dumped by text Shock.

What a coward I mean c*nt

Is he 12?

litterbird · 29/11/2020 07:06

Hand hold here. What a shock. When it happened to me the only thing I could bear to stomach were those little yoghurt drinks to try and keep my energy going. The family crisis must have been huge to facilitate that reaction. But as you said, it was half a relationship. Don’t think he was invested in it as you would have liked or he chose to mimic.

LunaTheCat · 29/11/2020 07:07

I am so sorry you are going through this - allow yourself to cry, speak to friends , seek support. You deserve heaps better. Dumping by text is cruel. You can’t change what others do. 💐

KatherineJaneway · 29/11/2020 07:19

Sorry this happened to you. As pp have said, you will get time to unlock what has happened over the coming weeks and months. For now take care of yourself as best you can Flowers

Original poster
Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 07:28

Thank you ladies, I can’t tell you how much it helps to hear your kind words. Going to get up and have a coffee and put on a brave face to spend the day with my lovely kids!

OP posts:
DeliaOwens · 29/11/2020 07:28

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. These panicked early waking feeling will
Pass...I promise. You need to give it time and be gentle and kind to yourself.

Personally, I needed to be extra physically busy so I was physically tired at nighttime. Yet, I still woke very early. When this happened, I just got up. I started walking the dog really early, listening to Podcasts ( about positive thinking, life changes, etc) and after three months, I was in great physical shape, my skin was amazing, my outlook was so much more positive and my house was spotless (😁)
You will get through this and you will figure out why he did this. But these things are for the future.

#YouDeserveBetter.

ConcernedParentAgain · 29/11/2020 09:11

Going to get up and have a coffee and put on a brave face to spend the day with my lovely kids!

Lovely kids are worth more than 10 good men.

Windmillwhirl · 29/11/2020 09:18

I'm so sorry you are hurting. You know you will be fine in time. You have to ride out the pain, be kind to yourself and focus on the parts/side of him that irritated you.

Focusing on only his good points will make it more difficult to move forward. Flowers

Miffyliffy · 29/11/2020 10:01

Sorry this has happened to you it is rather awful. I think you were probably a safety net, if he wanted to be with you he would have done alot more in those two years to make it work. He didn't want things to progress so he didn't put the effort in to do so.

You do deserve so much better, you deserve someone who will move heaven and earth to make it work. Give yourself time.

Do some things nice for yourself and your kids.

Original poster
Ilovebolly · 29/11/2020 10:38

Thanks everyone, done a bit of baking with the kids this morning and going to choose a Christmas tree soon so I am keeping busy.

Rationally, I know he wasn’t the one for me and I will be fine in time. It’s just getting through this part that is hard.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 29/11/2020 10:46

So sorry op. Thanks

TwentyViginti · 29/11/2020 11:15

Eventually I was laughing at myself for crying, whilst I was crying!

I've experienced this! it's a bizarre feeling, but showed recovery was well on the horizon.

bangheadhere40 · 29/11/2020 11:42

I'm so sorry...what a coward he is....x

Schummakker · 29/11/2020 11:46

Absolutely don’t contact him - he may well come back if he feels your absence.

Be gentle kind with yourself and ignore cruel ppls comments. Focus on yourself this Christmas and your children, it’ll get easier.

Cry when you need to, away from children and give yourself time to heal. Make some plans for next year to look forward to.

When you’re ready again, you deserve someone who doesn’t bail. If he comes back analyse it he’s really what you want long term.

Tinacollada · 29/11/2020 11:47

I'm so sorry OP.

Being dumped out of cowardice is just awful.

It's so much easier said than done, but please don't let this horrible person impinge on your life for longer than necessary.

I really wish I hadn't Angry

catnoir1 · 29/11/2020 11:51

You're well shot of him op.

Anyone who can be as callous and cowardly as he has didn't deserve your time or headspace.

Bakedbeanhead · 29/11/2020 11:53

Sending you lots of hugs and love. Things will look brighter, just allow yourself to grieve and be kind to yourself xx

M0rT · 29/11/2020 12:02

Years ago I was dumped suddenly like this, face to face but the shock is the same if you think all is good and they get to the point of ending it with you not realising there was a problem.
I threw myself into distraction for the first few months and it really works. Let's the shock and panic fade before you start processing.
Mind yourself Flowers

rebecca102 · 29/11/2020 12:16

Sorry to hear this, it's hard. My ex of two years about 10 years ago announced out of the blue one day he was moving to the other side of the country for work and said I could move with him. When I said I wouldn't because Id hardly had any time to process it, off he left two weeks later. I felt like I never meant a thing to him. Heartbroken for ages over it.

I found out recently through a mutual friend I hadn't seen for ages that he is still single, parties like a 20 yr old and moved back home into his mothers house because he has no money. I was kinda happy to hear that lol.

It might be a blessing in disguise.

sociallydistained · 29/11/2020 12:27

I've been through this 4 years ago and posted a similar thread the support did help! It is the worst, OP not eating and sleeping utter heartbreak and you can't feel it at the time but it does get easier!! I actually ended up having the best year of my life after the initial heartache. I read lots of crime fiction (easy distraction), made easy meals, focused on 30 days no contact (google it) and got into meditations etc to help me through. Lots of time in the bath! Thanks

3u33y · 29/11/2020 12:31

This is awful! Lots of hugs and handholding. Heartbreak is truly horrible.

Grobagsforever · 29/11/2020 12:53

@Ilovebolly

Glad my post helped. The breakup period is absolutely hideous but it does pass.