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Original poster

He lives with his ex

71 replies

Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 05:50

I have very recently potentially met someone where there is a mutual attraction. I haven't met him through a dating app (for once!) but we did meet online through a mutual interest facebook group. He's made it clear he would like to meet up for a date and he lives locally. We also have a lot of similar interests.

Great I hear you say, and I've had some heartbreak this year and met some terrible men. He says he's still living with his ex partner of 10 years and their three children under 6. He claims they have seperate rooms and its easier to live there for child care reasons. Plus he works part time so can't afford to move out, so he's not planning to in the near future.

Red flags immediately for me as I instantly think he's still with the ex and playing away. Or, their lives are still too closely linked and it would get messy, we couldn't go back to his place and hang out etc. Also, surely you can't live together long term like that and date others?

My friend thinks I'm being negative but after all the crap men I've come across this year and my intentions to be happily single, I think its a non starter. What do you all think?

OP posts:
litterbird · 27/11/2020 06:22

I met someone who still lived with his ex for the same reasons, I chose not to continue with the relationship. He is probably looking for someone who has a house so he can move in and come out of his situation. It sounds just a bit too complicated at the moment and he doesn't earn much money to be able to move forward himself independently. He may well be living like a lodger there and it must confuse the children. I would personally steer clear unless he has an exit plan he is working towards....and doesn't mean jumping into living with you.

Smellbellina · 27/11/2020 06:24

Non starter

LongPauseNoAnswer · 27/11/2020 06:27

Walk away now. If he’s still interested when he moves out let him know you’d be interested too. It would be a non starter for me too.

McRibpain · 27/11/2020 06:39

Definitely a no. How awful. And the working part time, no money thing.

movingonup20 · 27/11/2020 06:41

I lived with my ex for 8 months for financial reasons and still stay with him if I need to be in that city, we are good friends, end of. Sometimes people tell the truth

pictish · 27/11/2020 06:42

I think you’re right and it’s an absolute no.
Once the initial shine of exciting mutual attraction has dulled you’re left with man who lives with his ex wife and has no money...or aspiration.
Nope.

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 06:43

@litterbird yes the fact he works part time and doesn't drive puts me off a bit too, I wonder how independent he actually is. He seems a sweet guy but I don't want to live with someone again for a long time. I also have two older teen daughters so don't feel I can bring him back to mine as its just not appropriate for something new, it would have to be a serious relationship for me to bring a man into my house.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/11/2020 06:43

I would also be wary of him seeking a new table to get his feet under as a motive. Just saying. X

Littleideasbigbook · 27/11/2020 06:44

No. Don't get yourself involved in this. People who can't make the break of living together are too complex to be in another relationship.

pictish · 27/11/2020 06:46

And doesn’t drive too. I mean none of these things are bad in themselves but when you put it all together one can’t help but see a picture forming.
If you want a pet get a cat. Less upkeep.

DianeChambers · 27/11/2020 06:46

He is probably looking for someone who has a house so he can move in and come out of his situation. It sounds just a bit too complicated at the moment and he doesn't earn much money to be able to move forward himself independently

I agree with this. And he doesnt drive? Sounds like youd be dating a teenager. Youre making the right call. He can’t support himself so needs a woman who can.

Why does he work part time and why can’t he drive?

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 06:49

I'm glad you're all thinking the same about the part time work and not driving. Im 39 and it would feel like dating a teenager Confused its annoying because he's my type in many ways but it doesn't have legs does it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 06:52

@pictish that made ne laugh! Yep a cat woukd be less hassle! GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 27/11/2020 06:54

I mean you could stay online friends and maybe wait and see if he gets his own place.

icelollycraving · 27/11/2020 06:54

3 kids under 6 would put me off, living with a partner and only working part time would make this a non starter for me. You’d be so low down the pecking order. He may be looking for a new place to live to facilitate his days with his kids. Nope.

emmetgirl · 27/11/2020 06:55

I'd walk away now tbh. Sounds too complicated - for me anyway

AlwaysCheddar · 27/11/2020 06:58

Walk away.... too griefy

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 07:03

I don't feel I can ask him too much about his finances as we haven't met in person yet and I wouldn't want a guy doing that to me so soon. I agree that I would come way down his list and of course kids come first but what about the ex? Whats her expectations?

OP posts:
category12 · 27/11/2020 07:04

God no.

Can't afford to move out, but works part time? That ain't changing any time soon then. Unless he finds a sucker girlfriend with a house.

That's if his "ex" actually knows she's his ex.

babynumber2pending · 27/11/2020 07:05

Walk away, dont look back.

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 07:08

Yes I'm so cynical about men that I wonder if she knows they're 'separated?' I wonder how official it is.

OP posts:
Persephonegoddess · 27/11/2020 07:43

It could be that he does the bulk of the childcare and hence works pt to facilitate this. If it was a women in this situation people would not call her a pet! Just ask him to be honest and then form a judgment based on full facts. If you then decide it's a no doesn't matter if he is offended that you've asked.
If he is genuine and in the above senario then he needs to see a solicitor to see if he can get cms and spousal maintenance and talk to cab about uc so he can afford a place of his own. Maybe he doesn't need a relationship right now but if you like him, be his friend, if he is financially reliant on her and doesn't drive he might be trapped.

Persephonegoddess · 27/11/2020 07:45

If it was a women working pt and not driving the responses would be sooo different! Just cause he has a penis doesn't mean he can't be in that role.

Rewis · 27/11/2020 07:53

nope.

Part-time work and not driving are not issues for me (this driving thing is interesting and has come up a few times in threeads). Separated or not, Still living with ex without a plan to move out means he is not available for a relationship. There is no room to build anything and it's just a shit show waiting to happen.

icelollycraving · 27/11/2020 08:00

The driving thing wouldn’t have bothered me, I don’t drive. Lived in London for many years so never really needed to. I get cabs, public transport and dh does drive so he will sometimes whizz me to work.
It all just seems angsty for a possible new boyfriend.