He lives with his ex

[Mermaidwaves]

I have very recently potentially met someone where there is a mutual attraction. I haven't met him through a dating app (for once!) but we did meet online through a mutual interest facebook group. He's made it clear he would like to meet up for a date and he lives locally. We also have a lot of similar interests.

Great I hear you say, and I've had some heartbreak this year and met some terrible men. He says he's still living with his ex partner of 10 years and their three children under 6. He claims they have seperate rooms and its easier to live there for child care reasons. Plus he works part time so can't afford to move out, so he's not planning to in the near future.

Red flags immediately for me as I instantly think he's still with the ex and playing away. Or, their lives are still too closely linked and it would get messy, we couldn't go back to his place and hang out etc. Also, surely you can't live together long term like that and date others?

My friend thinks I'm being negative but after all the crap men I've come across this year and my intentions to be happily single, I think its a non starter. What do you all think?

I still lived with my ex when I met my new partner. We did have separate rooms and there was no children. I just couldn't afford to private rent at the time. However 5 months after we had split I managed to get my own flat. But I was actively looking to move out.

This sounds like a non starter completely. Especially if he said he isn't moving out.

I too would be questioning wether the ex knows she is an ex.

So many issues. Two stand out for me (if he's telling the truth). He's prepared to leave 3 his wife with 3 children under 6 - unless it's all her doing - that doesn't show great commitment. And where exactly would you meet? Endless walks with the possible chance of a pub meal (can't recall all the latest tier arrangements...yawn)? You need a place to be together if anything is to develop.

Living with your ex and kids generally means that he won't have been able to go through the normal stages that people go through after a break up. It's not a healthy place to start a relationship from.

I was so relieved when my relationship with my kids dad ended and had wanted to end it for years and years but it still threw up all sorts of different emotions when he moved out because that is all part of the process of getting over the loss of the family unit and so on.

If he's stayed living there then he won't have been able to go through the normal and healthy stages of a break up and all of the mixed emotions that it involves...particularly a break up when there are kids involved. Sadness that it ended. Loneliness when he's on his own, the challenges of parenting on his own in a new place without the other parent, the moments of regret when he's on his own pining for the old family unit, the times when they wish they could go back and try to work out a plan for how to do it....hope for the future...starting to enjoy single life...then perhaps taking 2 steps backwards and pining for family life again.

He hasn't dealt with any of that process if he's still living with them...and it doesn't sound like he is going to either!!

Also his ex (if she is his ex) hasn't had a chance to process through all of that stuff either because it's just not really possible when he's still living there.

She might be fine with it or could go through lots of upsetting emotions and do you really want to be part of that...when she knows he's out on a date and then goes home and she's upset or so on because it's so in her face. It wouldn't even be necessarily that she was jealous or didn't want him to move on, it's just because it was happening while still living together! The tension in the house then could be completely awful for them.

Add into it the fact that you don't even have anywhere to go unless you're going to go to hotels or so on because you're right that you couldn't really bring him home early on when you have teenage girls at home...and what would they think if they heard of his living arrangements??

@category12

God no.

Can't afford to move out, but works part time? That ain't changing any time soon then. Unless he finds a sucker girlfriend with a house.

That's if his "ex" actually knows she's his ex.

This , exactly .

My first thought would be he’s cheating on his wife. If that isn’t the case, he’s clearly dependant on her for the house, car she drives and her money. You definitely don’t want to take her role!

I lived with my ex for over 12months after we split as all my money was tied up in the house and until it sold I couldn't do anything but I didn't date anyone as it would have been unfair on everyone involved.

I've been chatting with a guy I matched with on a dating app, he still lives with his ex and their 3 kids. He definitely isn't ready for dating (he cancelled on me twice then stood me up and after that explained what is going on) and I have told him that we can just stay friends until he sorts himself out. He is currently having a break and trying to sort his head out. His situation is complicated even more as his ex is quite unwell. He was honest with me from the start that he still lives with his ex and their 3 kids and I thought maybe I could handle that as I've been there too(minus the kids) but the more we chatted the more I realised being friends is all we can be at the moment as the emotions are all over the place.

Potential cocklodger with the added complication of 3 young children.

I wouldn't. He only works part time, can't afford to move out, and lives with his ex partner because it's easier. So would he plan on moving from there to yours when the time was right? Doesn't seem to have any drive to live on his own, that would be the out off for me. Doesn't earn enough okey to support himself and the kids, and on a part time wage is probably barely supporting them where he is

I would walk away, for various reasons but mainly because he has not moved on ptoperly from being with his ex. The fact you have two older teens and he has 3 under 6 for me would be a major thing too. You are at totally different stages of parenting. If you got together could you cope with being a sm to 3 young children? I know I couldn't but then again that could be because I enjoy life with having two older teens myself, so I look back at those years and think how much easier life is now.

And then where do you meet up? You can't go to his house, he cant come to yours with having two teen daughters for which I agree with you 100%.

If you really like him, stay in a friend zone situation for now if you can, then see how things are in time. It all sounds like hard work to me OP.

Lots of interesting responses and I agree with them all!

I really dont want to be around young kids. I had my girls young and now they're older teens I have loads more freedom and don't have to worry about child care.

This is without judgement but his part time work is minimum wage. I don't care what a man does for a living but he certainly couldn't afford to live on his own.

I can see us driving around on dates like teenagers in my car. That's a bit cringe as we are both nearly 40.

I definately agree with the PP who said he hasn't processed the end of his relationship properly. This actually shows a lack of emotional maturity to me that he thinks its OK to date so soon and in his current situation. So many men online are on the apps within weeks of splitting from longterm relationships.

Sat here in 2022 stuck living with the ex but honestly id say no more because 3 kids under 6 sounds incredibly chaotic situations have gone a bit nuts since the post was made but I'll give it a different perspective I care about my ex and I would love to see him happy with somone me and my ex are stuck living together because of the cost of living crisis but we are making the best of a bad situation part time work certainly isn't a put off he may have childcare obligations and what works for his kids is the priority the not driving doesn't bother me either I don't drive and are you looking for a romance or a free Uber ,(harsh but true) if the kids were older then maybe but I love kids but 3 under 6 that not mine oh hell no same as anyone dating my ex moving forwards will have to be aware our child is special needs and it's a lot to take on but I can certainly see it impacting me and my ex finding new partners basically my advice would be stay friends if you like him see if you want to take it further once you know more but if nothing else you may have gained a friendship

@Mermaidwaves

So I did live with my ex not sure what women he dated thought of it. Plus I dated and think the men didn't like it either.

Looking back I could see why my ex boyfriend didn't want to fully be with me while I was living with my ex.
No one wants to see someone in a situation like that because maybe they think you will get back together. They never fully secure so they date others too.

I would say you probably need to be sure he fully separated as they could be still together. I also met men who claimed they are separated but they were going through issues. Because for me they went back to the wife.

It depends on what your looking a relationship a hook up. Because you could be Feb plus date other men.

Or just leave him alone move on date others.

@Mermaidwaves

FWB I meant

I’d run from this one. Even the best case scenario is extremely messy.

He’s simply not in a position to have a relationship. Every woman alive deserves better than he’s offering.

I wouldn't judge him for his situation (amicable co-parenting is a positive, plenty of people have to live with their exes for a while after the split).

But I wouldn't date him either.

OP if you don't want to be around young kids, this wouldn't be the relationship for you even if he'd moved out. He'd still be a dad to them.

I think it does happen and doesn’t necessarily mean they are still together. My ex and I have been split over 10yrs and up until this summer (when we have called it a day as both want to move on) we have been on holidays together and currently I live in his house as he’s working overseas, so when he’s back he’s here too.

That’s only worked as we have both been single, he met someone in the summer and she made it clear that for their relationship to get off the ground he wasn’t to live with me. I totally get that, and I don’t want to live with him when he’s back from his overseas job either. So it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s still with her, or interested in getting back with her, but it does mean it will be complicated for you. I guess you need to decide do you want that? I’ve just started dating someone who is a full time single dad and that wouldn’t be my first choice to date someone who is restricted in that way, but I do really like him so I’m going to see where it takes me.

Why isn’t he working full time? Is there a reason?

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️

Red flags immediately for me as I instantly think he's still with the ex and playing away. Or, their lives are still too closely linked and it would get messy, we couldn't go back to his place and hang out etc. Also, surely you can't live together long term like that and date others?

My friend thinks I'm being negative

Your friend is a nelly.

Why is she pushing you to go against your entirely valid instincts & logic?
Is she one of those tiresome women who thinks that you are somehow 'lesser' without a man - any man - in tow?

Your potential date might have a winning personality & be very attractive to you.
But even if he is - all your reservations still apply.
And even if you get past those reservations - how on earth is he in a position to sustain a proper relationship? He works part time, presumably that's so he can run at least 50% of childcare & domestic duties? So where will he find the money & time to invest in a relationship? He'd have enough of both to be able to 'date' ie go round to his new date's place. But how could it be more than that, as he can't take you home, probably can't afford to take you/share costs of going out, & won't have much free time.

If he's working part time but NOT using much of the rest of it to semi-SAHD - what's he playing at? He either can't afford to fund his own separate household, or is pretending not to be able to. So if you are looking for something that could get serious - he won't be able to give it to you. But if you are happy for some no-strings fun - AND can work out what the situation really is with his 'ex' ... maybe that could work for you. Can't help feeling you are more up for the 'happily single' option for a while though - & your friend should respect that. I'd be telling her SHE can date him if she's so keen.

oh arse. I saw an OP update for November but not the year!