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Relationships

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Original poster

He lives with his ex

71 replies

Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 05:50

I have very recently potentially met someone where there is a mutual attraction. I haven't met him through a dating app (for once!) but we did meet online through a mutual interest facebook group. He's made it clear he would like to meet up for a date and he lives locally. We also have a lot of similar interests.

Great I hear you say, and I've had some heartbreak this year and met some terrible men. He says he's still living with his ex partner of 10 years and their three children under 6. He claims they have seperate rooms and its easier to live there for child care reasons. Plus he works part time so can't afford to move out, so he's not planning to in the near future.

Red flags immediately for me as I instantly think he's still with the ex and playing away. Or, their lives are still too closely linked and it would get messy, we couldn't go back to his place and hang out etc. Also, surely you can't live together long term like that and date others?

My friend thinks I'm being negative but after all the crap men I've come across this year and my intentions to be happily single, I think its a non starter. What do you all think?

OP posts:

curiouslypacific · 27/11/2020 08:08

You know this is a non-starter OP. Don't let your friend, however well-intentioned, talk you into going on a date. It'll be much harder to walk away if you get emotionally attached.

He's not in a position to offer you a full adult relationship whilst he's still so embroiled with his ex. Even if things are over with her, he's still living as part of a family unit and has no intention (or capability) of leaving it.

I had a rule when dating that anyone still living with an ex or not-yet-divorced was an instant no. I didn't need or want the drama of supporting them through a protracted breakup, nor did I want to be a rebound. I had my shit in order, I expected the same from any potential partner.

Takethewinefromtheswine · 27/11/2020 08:16

So much that would put me off. Part time and not driving would give me the ick. Three under 6 would be my idea of hell, so no way would I want to get into that. And the living with ex thing - liar or lazy. Either she isn't quite yet the ex, or his life is so easy he will just put up with it as he cannot be bothered to leave/divorce.

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 08:37

The non driving thing is interesting because it does put me off if a fella doesnt drive. I can't really explain why but it just makes me wonder why a grown man wouldn't choose to, even if they don't currently own a car. Medical reasons aside obviously.

I hadn't thought that maybe part time work is down to sharing child care, yes thats a possibility.

OP posts:

category12 · 27/11/2020 08:50

@Persephonegoddess

If it was a women working pt and not driving the responses would be sooo different! Just cause he has a penis doesn't mean he can't be in that role.

I don't think most people would answer differently in this situation. Still living in the same house and no changes to make it possible to be independent of each other? It's not the kind of situation I'd recommend a male friend got involved with, either.

Working part-time and doing childcare is all very well, but it's not a good position for developing a new relationship.

category12 · 27/11/2020 08:51

And being the only driver in a household gets really old.

category12 · 27/11/2020 08:53

And that's if he's even genuinely separated.

Infinitethings · 27/11/2020 08:55

Fine if he has to live there temporarily while they are divorcing and sorting the finances but it sounds more permanent than that. Plus the three small children and you can’t go to each other’s places. Agree it’s a non-starter. Meet him one day in the future when he’s living on his own (unlikely.)

AlternativePerspective · 27/11/2020 08:58

Tbh I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to start a new relationship while you’re still living in the family home, even if you’re only living there for financial reasons.

The DC are still going to see both their parents as a family, you can’t have a full relationship, a friend’s eXH met someone else while he and her were still living in the same house and took the kids on holiday with them and everything. Kids were very confused.

I lived with my ex for financial reasons after we split while waiting for the finances to be sorted and it would never have occurred to me to start seeing anyone else.

Even if he’s being truthful he’s not in a position to be in a relationship, IMO.

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 09:08

I agree that he's still living as part of a family unit which isn't a good way to start a new relationship. I've been hurt this year and I don't need it again, one thing I've learnt from these threads is to heed the warning signs early on.

OP posts:

readingismycardio · 27/11/2020 09:10

Living with his ex and 3(!!!)children? Yeah, no thx

JackyFrost · 27/11/2020 09:12

[quote Mermaidwaves]@litterbird yes the fact he works part time and doesn't drive puts me off a bit too, I wonder how independent he actually is. He seems a sweet guy but I don't want to live with someone again for a long time. I also have two older teen daughters so don't feel I can bring him back to mine as its just not appropriate for something new, it would have to be a serious relationship for me to bring a man into my house.[/quote]
Its a no from me

readingismycardio · 27/11/2020 09:12

Also, OP, I agree about the driving thing. Puts me off terribly

seensome · 27/11/2020 09:15

He must be hot? Not much else going for him, works part time and no car and trying to support a family means he'll always be broke, if your wanting settle down it won't happen with him.
I just ended a relationship with a man, partly because he was always broke, didn't drive, so it was always down to me driving and giving lifts everywhere, felt like his mother! He was in his 30's, realistically was never going to be able in my timeframe to settle down, to wait for him to get driving lessons, save for a car.. I wish I hadn't wasted a year on him.

stampsurprise · 27/11/2020 09:16

You deserve so much more OP. Don't waste any more time with this one.

Oreservoir · 27/11/2020 09:18

If your dc are teens then do you want to be potentially minding small children for 14 years?

Lweji · 27/11/2020 09:20

IMO it is a non-brainer. Do not start a relationship with him.

Maybe, eventually, when if he moves out and you're free.

But look elsewhere.

SandyY2K · 27/11/2020 09:21

3 kids under 6 would put me off, living with a partner and only working part time would make this a non starter for me. You’d be so low down the pecking order.

Couldn't agree more.

Can't afford to move out, but works part time? That ain't changing any time soon then

Absolutely right.

@Persephonegoddess
If it was a women working pt and not driving the responses would be sooo different!

I disagree. It wouldn't be a smart move for a man to date a woman with 3 kids under 6, living with her ex, while working part time, with no plans to change those living arrangements in the foreseeable future. Why would anyone want such baggage.

He sounds like a liability and not in a position for a relationship.

The whole separate bedroom, with 3 kids makes me wonder where everyone sleeps. Is it a 3 bedroom house...4 bedrooms ... the kids may share, but that won't be the case as they grow up...

Much too complicated....I'd keep him as a friend if you get on well and you want to.

caringcarer · 27/11/2020 09:41

Noooooo, give this one a wife birth. Lots of reasons to avoid. 1 He lives with his ex. 2 He has 3 kids under 6. 3 He only works part time. 4 Any money he has will have to go straight to ex for child support. I would not bother about not driving provided he was not wanting lifts all the time. He needs time to get a full time job and sort out a flat before I would look at him. Set your bar higher. You know he is not a good option.

WildfirePonie · 27/11/2020 10:06

Nah, he's living with his ex. That alone is enough to put me off. The driving thing doesn't put me off but it would if I ended up ferrying him/his kids around.

Imagine him worming his way into your heart (and home), before you know it his three kids are staying at your place every other weekend or 50% of the time. And you're having to pay for all the bills and food because he only works part time and has to pay his ex child maintenance.

YoniAndGuy · 27/11/2020 10:13

Just no.

Even if it's all above board and they are separated, it's just not ok. Too entwined. With the best and most polite co-parenting relationship in the world, I still wouldn't want my bf's ex knowing exactly what his movements were, when he was going out, speaking to him when he came back.

They are still a nuclear family. It just isn't a goer.

kursaalflyer · 27/11/2020 11:53

I bet his wife will be shocked if she finds out he's looking elsewhere! It's quite a good chat up line, having to live at home because of childcare and can only work part-time. He's telling you he can't afford to take you out anywhere decent and that there'll always be childcare reasons why he has to stand you up unexpectedly. Just drop contact. Or at least tell him to contact you when he's divorced.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2020 12:00

FFS. Run for the hills. Doesn't drive, skint, lives with ex, and a bunch of very young children. He is literally the poster child of who not to date.

Original poster

Mermaidwaves · 27/11/2020 12:16

Yep agree he will have every excuse ready for letting me down in the future! Oh so cynical but usually so true. I'm definately letting this one go....back to my resolution of being happily single.

OP posts:

stout · 27/11/2020 12:34

@Mermaidwaves

My friend thinks I'm being negative but after all the crap men I've come across this year and my intentions to be happily single, I think its a non starter. What do you all think?

You talk about spending some time being single maybe this is a chance. Perhaps offer to meet as friends over the coming months occasionally, it may work for both of you.

You mention that you think he may be compatible which seems a key thing given the issues youve had dating.

A lot of blokes struggle financially afte a separation even if they earn well. As they need to find a new place and support kids / pay maintenance.

Techway · 27/11/2020 12:49

The children are very young and I suspect if his wife knows they are separating she might 1) be delighted ge is leaving as to her he's just another "child" to cope with or 2) bailing on her when life with 3 children,that he agreed to have, is difficult.

I would judge a person who is leaving with such young children.l assume no abuse given they live together.

Attraction is complex but really this man should have so many red flags that you feel switched off by him. Set a higher standard, meet some equal to you who has similar values.

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