Men who don’t want sex - why?

[Confusedfuture]

I keep reading threads about sexless marriages or relationships - where the man doesn’t want sex. Why would this be?

Is it a myth that men always want more sex than women?

I haven't attacked you once. You, on the other hand have made quite a few posts which 'other' autistic people and suggest that autistic people are abusive and we go around damaging NT people.

This has made me upset and angry, actually.

If you want to be left alone, then stop making bigoted comments about autistic people. Your ex h may have treated you badly but I haven't done anything wrong.

There is a difference between not wanting sex at all (could be health, confidence or some other issue), and not wanting sex with your wife or husband. Not always easy to identify which applies.

SugarbabyMilly oh please do go away - you’ve removed posts I found useful in response to my question

@SugarbabyMilly, as i recall I actually agreed with you as I said, I had a 6 month relationship with a guy who was definitely on the spectrum but his sex drive was off the scale. I am not and never will be a bully. I just spent 15 years with a man who, and I believe this is quite common, copied NT behaviour for as long as he could, which in our case was the day we got married as the stress of pretending to be something he wasn't was too great. There are many accounts of this in the support groups that have helped me. These are accounts and support groups that you would never have access to because they are for NT spouses of Aspies. @Confusedfuture asked, I answered and I'm sorry if you don't like it but I will not be told that my posts are offensive when they were just an account of my married life. Perhaps you should look at yourself and see what others do. @Confusedfuture, if you need a chat then message me, it'll be far easier

Ahem......

Can we make an appeal for peace and love please everyone - we know this stuff is awkward and sometimes painful to discuss but everyone deserves to be heard.

Please try to keep your posts within our talk guidelines.

@FlissMumsnet so its OK for me to be harassed and accused of bullying but not ok to tell the truth? My ex actually concurs he has ASD and won't get a diagnosis now as he's 48 and its not a condition that can be treated. His GP has told him this!

It's not offensive for you to post accounts of your married life, or abuse, obviously. I'm the last person who wants to silence victims of abuse. And I have never once suggested that you imagined the abuse. But some of the things you wrote were really inflammatory, for example saying that autistic people damage NT people.

Hopefully, it's obvious to most people that what I'm upset about is stigmatising autism when it already has a lot of misinformation around it.

Autism is a complex condition which takes many hours to diagnose. I have a diagnosis and so do two of four of my children. Being cold, not empathetic and not liking sex are not specifically anything to do with having autism. My daughter with AS is the kindest, cuddliest little girl you could imagine. From the things you say, I can see that you don't have first hand knowledge of how professionals diagnose autism.

It's very frustrating and hurtful when people assume that we must be cold, unfeeling, etc. And using it as a way to explain away horrible behaviour within a relationship. And it's not the first time I've seen this on MN. Fwiw I think it's quite unprofessional of a therapist to suggest that someone has autism if they've never met them and don't have the qualifications to really know.

I really don't want to be having fights with people on MN but I don't think it's ok to leave ignorance unchallenged- this affects a lot of people.

We've received a huge number of reports about this thread from all corners and sadly we will need to pull the whole thread if we see any further posts which break our Talk Guidelines.

We do understand this is a complex and emotive issue but we must ask that everyone try to be civil.

FlissMumsnet Thank you for stepping in. Hopefully we can get back on track.

@SugarbabyMilly. Right, for the last time:
I have been damaged, quite severely, by a relationship with a man who bears all the hallmarks of having ASD. I am in no way suggesting that only men with ASD damage their partners with their behaviour, but marrying someone in February and not having sex with them until May, leaving them writhing in agony on a hospital waiting room floor while just standing over them looking blank, and never acknowledging xmas or birthdays for 15 years surely could never be described as normal. They are however, behaviours reported by other spouses of ASD partners . My therapist suggested I look at ASD after 6 weeks of me disclosing this behaviour and actually said it wasn't her place to diagnose but... my ex actually agrees he has ASD but has been told that at 48 he probably won't get a diagnosis now as it won't benefit him - he's well past needing an Ed Psych, my sons have been watched by their schools and aren't thankfully flagging anything up. I have been damaged by a cold, passionless, sexless, relationship where I was just there to organise things and earn enough to pay bills so much that I want to end my life to stop the pain. This is why I have a therapist. So yes, I have been damaged and the unfeeling way that you are pursuing me now speaks volumes!

Probably best. Sorry the truth hurts x

I don't think you've even tried to take on board any of the points that I've raised. And yet I'm the one who's 'unfeeling' - a judgement that you've obviously made because I myself disclosed that I have AS.

I have nothing further to add, except that if your ex dh does genuinely feel that he's on the spectrum then it certainly can help to get a diagnosis at any age. GPs are often very dismissive of people trying to get a diagnosis. The assessments are expensive and that's one reason why.

While a lot of the responses on here are obviously true for some cases, I think the main overarching reason is that men just aren't that into monogamy. They may have lost interest in sex with their wives; that doesn't mean they've lost interest in sex. Some go off and have affairs, plenty more would if they could, or if there weren't various factors holding them back via attachment to their wife and family. Still plenty more have no problem staying interested in porn.

It probably doesn't help that it's hard to maintain surprise, variety, openness and spontaneity in a LTR. Where you can, the man might continue to be attracted to his wife as well as to other women. But where you can't, she can end up fatally associated in his mind with routine, formal playing out of roles, social expectations, long term financial planning and other things that are inherently unsexy. I don't think that's a particular gender thing though as plenty of women end up feeling the same way about their husbands.

I do think that comparing sheer numbers of women and men in LTRs who go off sex with their partner tells us very little, when it's done without considering the reasons why or what they want in its place. It seems like women largely go off monogamous sex because the particular instance of it they have is unsatisfying (either because of the relationship, the sex or both) and want to replace it with a better version of monogomous sex. For some men this is true too, but many just go off monogamy itself, or were never really that into it in the first place.

Stress
Tiredness
Undiagnosed, high functioning depression
Other illnesses
Lack of sexual spark because they need novelty and that soon wears off in committed relationships
Low testosterone
Lack of sexual attraction
Is interested in another woman
Gay
Just pretty asexual generally and not really a sexual person, despite healthy testosterone levels
Past sexual abuse
Religious reasons

I've suffered from vaginismus for years, I'm getting treatment for it. Me and my husband rarely have sex yet we have a fantastic marriage. We love each other and are like best friends aswell as lovers. We are both in our early 30s and have a baby and married for 4 years. We both agree that sex isn't the main thing about marriage. Its how you respect and treat eachother that matters.

Same reason women don't want sex - low libido.

Can be caused by all sorts. Mines my contraception ironically.