Men who don’t want sex - why?

[Confusedfuture]

I keep reading threads about sexless marriages or relationships - where the man doesn’t want sex. Why would this be?

Is it a myth that men always want more sex than women?

Mrs Tombliboo or alley cat

I'm not sure what the term is in the new definitions list though.

If there isn't one it bothers me that horny male stereotype is default and anything else needs a special name. Because that's not great for human sexuality, male or female.

@Chairm

Mostly I would say it’s not fancying partner anymore but won’t say. This is also something that the said partner or wife doesn’t want to face either so will look for excuses for them. A lot of men I know are only with their wives because of the kids. They don’t fancy them anymore, rarely have sex (and usually only when had a drink) and in some cases don’t like them. However, men often get the shit end of the stick when it comes to divorce so they stay.

Lots of women the same too. DH/Partner isn’t the most desirable in the world but is a good dad and provider so they stay.

If I had my time again I would have only settled with someone I was totally sexually attracted to and compatible with. I have had poor times in relationships in the past with arguments etc but have still fancied them and wanted sex with them. I think too many people end up settling and this is why the passion fades. It was never really there in the first place.

Conpletely agree with this. And I bet it's the reason why affairs are so common.

Yes, it’s a myth. Men don’t want sex for as many reasons as women don’t.
Avoid any attachment types enjoys their independence and don’t feel the need. But there’s a myriad of other reasons too.
Every man is an individual.

I think if there’s no health problems or medication then it’s just that people stop fancy their partner probs if they were with someone new they would want to shag all the time !

@TheSnootiestFox

In my case I was married to a bloke with (still) undiagnosed ASD. Took me 15 and a bit years and a shed load of therapy to realise and I'll never get the best years of my life back, but at least I have an answer

@TheSnootiestFox

So a low sex drive is a feature of being autistic? As an autistic person I can tell you that's not the case(!)

@SugarbabyMilly well I dont think it applies to everyone on the spectrum, I've had an ASD partner since and quite the reverse was true but if you bother to do a bit of research instead of immediately trying to contradict my experience based on 15 years of my life you'll find lots of partners of especially Aspies saying the same thing. The physical side goes out of the window pretty quickly.

I don't think autism and a low sex drive go together, however much 'research' you've done,

However, in many cases people with autism have very different sensory profiles. Some seek out sensory experiences, whilst others find them even painful.

What I'm saying is that autistic people are as different from each other as they are from NTs. And stereotyping doesn't help.

new cow
old cow
it all makes sense

Oh fgs it's not my problem that you can't handle me being understandably irritated when you seek to endorse autism stereotypes.

NOWHERE have I tried to belittle your experiences or even suggest that you have imagined being in a bad or abusive marriage.

I am merely sick of reading people on here talking about how abusive partners are autistic and that's the reason.

@hashbrownsandwich

I suspect they don't want it at home because they are getting it elsewhere.

See, I just don't believe this is true, and you must have a very dim view on men for some reason.

Me and DP don't have sex very often - but that's because neither of us really want to. He definitely isn't getting it elsewhere, considering we work from home running our business, and he obviously isn't going out socially due to covid.

There are many things that can impact sex drive, it doesn't automatically mean they're cheating on you for goodness sake.

What a stupid thing to put in women's heads.

@TheSnootiestFox your ex dh doesn't even have a diagnosis! Unless you're a clinical psychologist you can't assume he has autism.

Maybe he's just an ahole? Maybe he has attachment problems? There are lots of self centred, emotionally unavailable people out there. I don't doubt that he has been abusive towards you.

It doesn't help people like me when someone just decides that autism = cold, no empathy, selfish and abusive. And then decides to spread that narrative. I find it ironic that autistic people are accused of having no empathy, yet nobody seems to have a problem with smearing us with unkind (and often untrue) stereotypes.

@hashbrownsandwich

I suspect they don't want it at home because they are getting it elsewhere.

Nope. Just low sex drives. My husband has never had a high one. It's a bit shite being the one to make the moves but it's almost as if he is too shy or unsure of himself to. We have been together for 16 years and have 3 kids and one loss. When I stopped initiating after getting pregnant with DD2 (because I just didn't have the drive at all), it was almost 2 years before we resumed. And no, he's never getting it elsewhere. We are one of those vomit inducing couples who spend every possible moment together, even going to the corner shop. He couldn't even if he wanted to

Where have I said that your experience is 'invalid' ? Nowhere. In fact, I've said the opposite.

You have said that your husband does not have a diagnosis of autism but that you've decided that he's autistic which explains his abusive behaviour.

I objected to this and I don't think I am unreasonable to do so.

@SugarbabyMilly whatever. Just proves my point exactly. Now leave me alone.

Makes me laugh. All these views. Always porn or another woman. It's not unheard of to just have a huge dip in desire. I did, after Ds2, I was dog tired and it was like a switch got turned off.

@TheSnootiestFox

I don't want to hurt you and you've clearly had an awful time of it.

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the other poster. You cannot call your ex husband autistic if he doesn't have a diagnosis. It's hugely damaging to people who have been diagnosed to do so.

It annoys me that no one can ever comprehend that sometimes a man just doesn’t have a really high sex drive, or that a woman can have a higher sex drive than her partner. The top answers are always porn addiction, affair, doesn’t fancy you anymore etc. It’s really damaging to the women who are posting because they’re worried about these things, when chances are their partner just has a lower sex drive.

It took me ages to really understand that my DH just had a lower drive than me, because I’d been conditioned by views like those above to believe that men always had high sex drive and wanted it all the time. I know it’s not porn, because he’s been open about not feeling the need to masturbate because he has sex regularly enough. I know it’s not an affair because (as well as the fact that I trust him) he’s so open about what he’s doing and I doubt he’d even have time. I know he fancies me because he demonstrates that well enough when we do it. He maybe initiates once a fortnight, although we do it a little more often than that because he does get in the mood if I initiate sometimes. I’m happy with what we have, but as I said, it took me a while to understand that there wasn’t something wrong with me because he didn’t want it 24/7. It’s normal for men or women to have varied sex drives.

Dunno but I wish mine didn't

My husband used to have higher sex drive, now it is lower then mine due to his illness.

I could write a book about the abusive relationships I've had. My autism makes me naive and easily taken in by people. I don't go around hitting out at others about it though.

@SugarbabyMilly I do hope that wasn't aimed at me as neither do I. You attacked me earlier for daring to share my experience of a sexless marriage. I have also asked you once to leave me alone. Do you make a habit of bullying people who dare to disagree with you?