Men who don’t want sex - why?

[Confusedfuture]

I keep reading threads about sexless marriages or relationships - where the man doesn’t want sex. Why would this be?

Is it a myth that men always want more sex than women?

They generally stop fancying their partners ime.
Loads of reasons for this.

Increasingly a huge myth, porn related erectile dysfunction is very common among young men now.

porn related erectile dysfunction is very common among young men now.

I have experience of this and reduced sensitivity. With two partners I asked them to stop viewing porn and their performance radically improved!

Probably a lot of different reasons.

1st DH too much alcohol
2nd DH passive aggressive and porn

Sadly, this is the longest I've gone without. I don't have a partner nor tried for one.
I thought I might have become asexual.
I found it wasn't true as I went to 2nd DH house to pick up some mail and I was sitting next to him and damn, I became so aroused I was embarrassed and made an excuse to quickly leave!

confused You would think that biologically they would generally have a higher sex drive than females because of higher testosterone. Also not going through all the things women endure -- pregnancy, etc.

I think generally most men do want sex, but on mumsnet you're going to hear about problems moslty so it's a skewed view.

but on mumsnet you're going to hear about problems moslty so it's a skewed view.

That's true, you can't take the Relationships board as gospel (or wherever else you're seeing these posts, OP). Most people don't come on and say "I have a great sex life... that's all."

I was just about to say alcohol.
There are millions of functioning (although not in the bedroom) alcoholics out there.

Women have different sex drives, so why can't men?

I'm friends why a guy who has lots of female friends and shares a bed with them but isn't interested in sex ! He's full of the banter but then says I can't be bothered with sex anymore at my age he's 55 ffs !

They generally stop fancying their partners ime.
Loads of reasons for this.

This is more often than not the truth of it. Male libido is much more focussed on visual stimulus than female. If you were eating the same meal every night, looking at the same curtains for 20 years, watching the same episode of a TV program on loop, you'd get bored with those and lose interest in them too.

Tiredness
Stress
Not fancying partner any more
Medication
Prostate issues and erectile dysfunction

They aren't all wanking too much, drinking too much or cheating. Men go off sex for the very same reasons women do.

When i was in a sexless relationship it was because I didn’t feel able to be vulnerable around my partner, i was on eggshells around her which isn’t conducive to getting jiggy very often. If i made a move she’d usually blow up at me. Once or twice a year she’d get the gin out and then expect it, i would go along with it out of fear of a big blow up followed by a week of silent treatment otherwise.

Current partner gets it a couple of times a week, 18 months in.

Mostly I would say it’s not fancying partner anymore but won’t say. This is also something that the said partner or wife doesn’t want to face either so will look for excuses for them. A lot of men I know are only with their wives because of the kids. They don’t fancy them anymore, rarely have sex (and usually only when had a drink) and in some cases don’t like them. However, men often get the shit end of the stick when it comes to divorce so they stay.

Lots of women the same too. DH/Partner isn’t the most desirable in the world but is a good dad and provider so they stay.

If I had my time again I would have only settled with someone I was totally sexually attracted to and compatible with. I have had poor times in relationships in the past with arguments etc but have still fancied them and wanted sex with them. I think too many people end up settling and this is why the passion fades. It was never really there in the first place.

@Chairm

Mostly I would say it’s not fancying partner anymore but won’t say. This is also something that the said partner or wife doesn’t want to face either so will look for excuses for them. A lot of men I know are only with their wives because of the kids. They don’t fancy them anymore, rarely have sex (and usually only when had a drink) and in some cases don’t like them. However, men often get the shit end of the stick when it comes to divorce so they stay.

Lots of women the same too. DH/Partner isn’t the most desirable in the world but is a good dad and provider so they stay.

If I had my time again I would have only settled with someone I was totally sexually attracted to and compatible with. I have had poor times in relationships in the past with arguments etc but have still fancied them and wanted sex with them. I think too many people end up settling and this is why the passion fades. It was never really there in the first place.

Nail on head.

Although relationships where the sex is fantastic but everything else is drama, crisis and rows is the pits, too.

of course there are men with low sex drives, for myriad reasons.

@Ifitaintgotnoswing

Probably for the same reasons many women don’t.

It is a total myth. I do wonder if men have a lower boredom threshold than women when it comes to LTR’s though.

I think women have a lower boredom threshold which is why they sometimes go off sex

I think demisexuality and asexuality are a lot more common than people realise.

What's demisexuality?

I've only read the definition but would be interested to hear from someone who uses it IRL as it were.

Of course there are other reasons but usually its porn.

Sometimes it can be due to medical reasons, like erectile dysfunction and they’re too embarrassed to say. It can also be that some men don’t have high sex drives and occasionally it could be a case of they’re getting it elsewhere.

I’m married to a demisexual @NiceGerbil in case this helps.

Basically, emotional connection comes first, attraction comes after. So no such thing as instant attraction for him. He does notice if someone’s pretty or not, but it’s not that related to attraction. He says it’s very similar to being able to just objectively tell if a man would be considered good looking or not, or whether an animal or a plant is in good health.

In practice, if anything disturbs our emotional connection his sexuality switches off. That can be down to something being up with either of us an individual- tired, ill, stressed, working too hard, trouble from other family members.

It can also be from something between us- say if we’ve fought recently, or aren’t getting on.

If his sexuality switches off, it’s like zero chemistry.

He’s also just not motivated by sex. No chance of sexual persuasion, it just makes him feel manipulated, which damages the emotional connection and so he switches off.

He is very motivated by love, affection, intimacy, harmony, care and loyalty, building and maintaining those.

He also doesn’t subconsciously treat people differently based on how attractive they are to him. He does treat people differently on the basis of how fond he is off them/comfortable he is with them, but that’s something that comes over times, that’s based on his experience of them.

He’s also not very visual when it comes to sexuality. It’s not about looks, it’s about how he feels in himself and how he feels about the person. Appearance does play a bit of a part, but nothing more than the person takes some care of themselves and also that they are comfortable with their own appearance (as in they aren’t trying to hide anything or portray a false projection of themselves, it’s like an honesty/integrity thing).

I’m not demi-sexual. I am bi/pan, and attraction isn’t based on sex or gender for me, more on personality but aesthetics fo play a strong part. I can totally switch off a person I find very visually appealing or have very strong chemistry with if they do something to hurt me or someone else. Just kills it.

DH is only attracted to women.

I think of it as I process appearance first, then personality and if both those aspects work for me, sex and gender don’t really matter. With DH, he processes personality first, then sex/gender and if both those aspects work for him appearance doesn’t really matter that much.

That sounds like a lot of women i know tbh.

What's the term for stereotype male- always up for it, no need for emotional connection etc? I've come across some of these terms, but not one for that.

I think if women were almost guaranteed an orgasm every time they had sex they would want it more. Although even then, probably I would go through periods where I didnt want to, and Im sure thats true for men as well.

@NiceGerbil

That sounds like a lot of women i know tbh.

What's the term for stereotype male- always up for it, no need for emotional connection etc? I've come across some of these terms, but not one for that.

I just think of that as being horny.

So, to summarise

Woman loses sex drive : man’s fault
Man loses sex drive : man’s fault

No one could ever accuse MN of inconsistency.