Found out something

[Clov3119]

I have a 1 year old son with my partner. We met through a dating site so I did not know any of his friends or family. I have never met any of his friends. I met his family. When we first met I said "one day I would like kids" and I did say that I wanted to have kids with someone who had not had children before because I wanted it to be a special thing between me and that person.

I have found out, not through him, but an ex of his who contacted me that he has another child. I looked the person up and there are pictures of him holding this child with her. The child looks like him. I confronted my partner and he admitted it, but said he never thought it was his child. The child has bright blonde hair like him and looks like him. He was there for the birth and the first year of his life so he clearly thought it was his child. The child is 10 years old now!!! He doesnt support the child or see them and disappeared off the radar as far as she is concerned. Supposedly she has a rich partner and doesnt need his help but just wants money from him (this could be a lie). You cant see from Facebook if someone is rich or not so I dont know if this is true. But regardless if he is his son then he should want to know.

What hurts is that we have been together 2.5 years and this has come out only through finding out. I feel so angry as he deprived me of what I wanted. I am glad I had my son as he is a beautiful little boy and I love him with all my heart.
He has lied about other stuff too that has affected me but I dont want to get into that!

He told me he didn't tell me because he knew i wouldn't want him if he told me. So he kept it a secret all this time. But he never told any of his exes as the ex that told me said she found out from the mother of the child off of Facebook. I'm not on Facebook. She got my number through some avenue I dont really want to get into. He still wants me and is trying to get us back together. He said he will be my friend for years to come and wait until I trust him again. He doesnt care as long as he can be around me (Although this could all be a lie too to get me back). I still love him and care for him, but I'm torn up as I dont trust him anymore.
I dont know what to do. I have asked for some time to think, but he texts constantly and if I dont reply he accuses me of being with someone else like I'm the one to not be trusted. I have been loyal throughout.

I couldn’t forgive that, all trust would be gone.

He sounds like a total bullshitter.

OP it’s a tough situation.

If I were you I would never, ever, ever resume my relationship with this man again.

If i found out my partner had a child he never saw and paid no maintenance for the relationship would be over.

But it sounds to me as if you’re more upset that your child with him wasn’t his first child, rather than the fact he has a child he has no involvement with. You do realise that when he leaves you he won’t be involved with your child either? And he very likely will leave. These types always do.

You’re not wrong to not want to be with someone who has children, but it is still wrong to be more upset about that than the fact that the child he does see isn’t a part of his life.

He wont give you space ...and he is nuts. He has the cheek to accuse you of being the bad guy who is up to something. Thats crazy territory. Everything else aside, it shows you he isn't a good person. Keep him gone.

On the bright side, you're wee boy has a big brother, that's really cool. I think you should reach out to the mother and see if she wants to meet for coffee sometime, when possible.

Dont take the horror of an ex back though. And Google 'narcissistic hoovering' (the things his sort do to try and con you into taking them back). Protect yourself, he is a bad egg.

Oh no I am upset about that and I expressed that to him. I have told him it is completely wrong you dont have involvement with him. I said how do I know you won't do that to ours! He has said he knows ours is his completely! I said if thus is the issue you get a paternity test it is not hard! He doesnt want to get involved as he feels he has his family there and it will confuse the boy!! Its terrible!

So you had a baby with him after knowing him only 9 months?

He is an utter arse. Nothing about this is the behaviour of a decent, loyal, or trustworthy man.

And his treatment of you now this has come out is dreadful.

Run for the hills - I'm afraid it's the only option if you want to avoid a lifetime of misery and being treated like utter crap and lied to.

This "I have asked for some time to think, but he texts constantly and if I dont reply he accuses me of being with someone else like I'm the one to not be trusted. "

Is a good reason to stay separate. He only wants the relationship on his terms and will lie and manipulate to make it happen.

Sorry.

He's played all his exes and you (and the first child he has never supported) . He's still playing you ( with lies and pest messages and accusing you of infidelity).
You can see from his past history there's no future for you; and there will never be any Daddy contact/support relationship for your baby.

Just cut out the dead wood now and get on with your life.

I dont know what to do. I have asked for some time to think, but he texts constantly and if I dont reply he accuses me of being with someone else like I'm the one to not be trusted. I have been loyal throughout.

This would make me ditch him if nothing else! I wouldn’t trust him further than I could throw him

@MolotovMocktail

So you had a baby with him after knowing him only 9 months?

Yes. It happens. I'm not young and I have PCOS so I thought would I ever get the opportunity of a child again. As I say, I dont regret my child. He is amazing. But I regret trusting someone so freely. I should be able to trust people but this has shown me I can't.

Maybe this is the first time he has shown you who he really is so you cant beat yourself up for trusting him. But now his mask has well and truly dropped.

As pp said, he is showing the signs if an abuser now (Lying, Not allowing you space and victim-perpatrator role reversal). Google DARVO.

He is nasty. And now you can see it.

I don't understand why you're concerned he's robbed you of your dream to give a man his first child.

He has a DS who he has denied and had no contact with for 9 years. That is the deal breaker. He's not a good person.

Life doesn't always turn out how we want. Accept that relationship is over and focus on your DS.

Now you know why, in two and a half years you've never meet his friends! He trusted his family to lie by omission about his 'possible' son, but not his friends. Was never meeting his friends not a huge red flag to you?

The mother has obviously chased him for maintenance (ie all she wants is money - that she is entitled to for the child). Instead of a paternity test to prove he's not his child (cos that's what you do if you're sure he's not!) he vanished to avoid cm. Abandoned a child he seen born and fathered for a year. Like an inconvenience.

He lied to you since you first meet - so even before he was 'in love' and afraid to lose you. Downright lies. For 2.5 years. About something he knew was really important to you.

He's not giving you space you've asked for and instead he's love bombing and accuses you of cheating. Because how could any woman leave the god that is him, if it wasn't for another man - shows exactly how little he thinks of women!

And now he's pretending it's concern for this child that's stopping him being involved after 9 years. Not the fact that he truly believes he's not the father?!

He's not exactly showing himself to be prince charming is he? Lying, selfish, entitled, misogynistic man who refuses to accept your boundaries.

Agree with PP who said you do not know this man. You got pregnant very quickly to have a 1 year old from a 2.5 year relationship. Did he move in with you or the other way round? Before or after pregnancy?

What others have said. You didn't know him well enough when you had a child with him. You are now finding out what he is like. Your OP clearly shows that you were very upset by the fact he didn't 'experience having a first child' with you, and by his enormous lie. I don't think you had processed what it says about his character that he has a child he has nothing to do with. If he left his child before without a backward glance, and without paying maintenance, he is capable of leaving you and your child in the same way.
Up to you OP. Your eyes are opened now and you know him better.

I’m not sure what there is to think about. I mean do you really think you can come back from this?

I am still a bit about the fact you say he robbed you of your dream to have your first child with someone whose first child it also was.

And while I’m sure you’re upset about it, the fact you are still thinking about things points more towards the way in which he has disappointed you rather than the fact he is a waste of space for a human being who has tossed everyone aside in his life for his own ends.

You do know his friends likely don’t know about your child? Or even about you?

Having PCOS isn’t a reason to have a baby with someone you know very little about and whose life you have not become a part of. Not knowing someone and not having met their friends and thus not actually being a part of their life is a very good reason not to yet have a baby with them. But what’s done is done and you have now learned that the hard way.

I would block his number now, tell him it’s over, then go to the CMS for maintenance. he likely won’t challenge you for access so consider yourself a single parent from now on.

Given this isn’t his first child you should now be prepared to welcome his other child into your home if you take him back. And regardless of that you need to tell your own baby when he’s old enough that he has a sibling so that he can make his own decisions as to whether to reach out when he’s older.

He didn't tell you something very important because he's selfish!

my ex is currently no contact with our son, 11 months. He has also stopped his his previous son and actually has no kids in his tinder profile.

I understand you are thinking if this is big enough to leave him for but it's not the action that is the whole issue it's he character and pattern of behaviour he has shown you for years.

How did he keep quiet all those times about his own dc, how could he ever love anyone if he left his own flesh and blood. And the excuse of her dp is rich, what's that got to do with anything.

You would of gone through a whole pregnancy, with him lying the whole time, all those appointments, the birth pretending it was his first.

He manipulated you in to a relationship, that is unacceptable and unforgivable

@Clov3119 didn't see you have a baby already, sorry about that.

But he's excuses that he wouldn't do it to your dc, what makes your dc different?
Because the only difference to me is that you two are still together.

Regardless of whether he sees his first child he has a responsibility to pay maintenance got that child. I could not respect a man who abandons his responsibilities to a child. He is not s keeper.

I have never met any of his friends
Did this not seem very weird to you Op?

I think @AlternativePerspective has nailed it.

He has a child that he casually abandoned and never told you about! That would be a deal breaker for me!

You're right that you can't trust him.

if I dont reply he accuses me of being with someone else like I'm the one to not be trusted
Based on his obvious lies and secretiveness, it's possible he could be projecting, and that it's him who's seeing other women. That kind of projection is not unknown - see e.g. "Projection of marital guilt"
His friends might know about his other gf, for example, and his family about you.

He'll wait for years to get you back but can't wait for you to have the time to reply back to his messages. It sounds to me like he has one whole side to him that you don't know about and he wants to keep it that way. Its very strange that your together 2.5 years and you've never met his friends. His family aren't going to bad mouth him to you.

Had you not found out, how long with he let you go on not knowing?

One thing I will say is that I don't think you really know someone till your together more than 4 years and have lived together for at least 2.

If this man is like this now, and you forgive him, I think to him it will show that your willing to put up with this behaviour.

I'm sure its very hard being on your own with a baby so I hope you OK but just know that at least when he's not there your son won't be role modeling himself on your partner ❤