Page 2 | Found out something

Original poster

Clov3119 · 25/11/2020 16:33

@Thingsdogetbetter

Now you know why, in two and a half years you've never meet his friends! He trusted his family to lie by omission about his 'possible' son, but not his friends. Was never meeting his friends not a huge red flag to you?

The mother has obviously chased him for maintenance (ie all she wants is money - that she is entitled to for the child). Instead of a paternity test to prove he's not his child (cos that's what you do if you're sure he's not!) he vanished to avoid cm. Abandoned a child he seen born and fathered for a year. Like an inconvenience.

He lied to you since you first meet - so even before he was 'in love' and afraid to lose you. Downright lies. For 2.5 years. About something he knew was really important to you.

He's not giving you space you've asked for and instead he's love bombing and accuses you of cheating. Because how could any woman leave the god that is him, if it wasn't for another man - shows exactly how little he thinks of women!

And now he's pretending it's concern for this child that's stopping him being involved after 9 years. Not the fact that he truly believes he's not the father?!

He's not exactly showing himself to be prince charming is he? Lying, selfish, entitled, misogynistic man who refuses to accept your boundaries.

Agree with PP who said you do not know this man. You got pregnant very quickly to have a 1 year old from a 2.5 year relationship. Did he move in with you or the other way round? Before or after pregnancy?

He was living with me before I was pregnant. He moved in with me. Judge about doing it too quick but I dont regret having my son.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clov3119 · 25/11/2020 16:35

@Sunnysideup321

He'll wait for years to get you back but can't wait for you to have the time to reply back to his messages. It sounds to me like he has one whole side to him that you don't know about and he wants to keep it that way. Its very strange that your together 2.5 years and you've never met his friends. His family aren't going to bad mouth him to you.

Had you not found out, how long with he let you go on not knowing?

One thing I will say is that I don't think you really know someone till your together more than 4 years and have lived together for at least 2.

If this man is like this now, and you forgive him, I think to him it will show that your willing to put up with this behaviour.

I'm sure its very hard being on your own with a baby so I hope you OK but just know that at least when he's not there your son won't be role modeling himself on your partner ❤

He would have never told me. Words from his mouth.

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Bluntness100 · 25/11/2020 16:37

Couldn’t be with a man who abandoned his own child, refused to pay and then lied about it. Would make me sick to my stomach.

Couldn’t give a fuck about the whole, it’s special as it’s our only child nonsense, every child is special

But abandoning his ex then lying like a piece of shit he’s not the father and refusing to pay maintenance? That’s total scum right there. That poor kid,

Original poster

Clov3119 · 25/11/2020 16:41

@AlternativePerspective

I’m not sure what there is to think about. I mean do you really think you can come back from this?

I am still a bit about the fact you say he robbed you of your dream to have your first child with someone whose first child it also was.

And while I’m sure you’re upset about it, the fact you are still thinking about things points more towards the way in which he has disappointed you rather than the fact he is a waste of space for a human being who has tossed everyone aside in his life for his own ends.

You do know his friends likely don’t know about your child? Or even about you?

Having PCOS isn’t a reason to have a baby with someone you know very little about and whose life you have not become a part of. Not knowing someone and not having met their friends and thus not actually being a part of their life is a very good reason not to yet have a baby with them. But what’s done is done and you have now learned that the hard way.

I would block his number now, tell him it’s over, then go to the CMS for maintenance. he likely won’t challenge you for access so consider yourself a single parent from now on.

Given this isn’t his first child you should now be prepared to welcome his other child into your home if you take him back. And regardless of that you need to tell your own baby when he’s old enough that he has a sibling so that he can make his own decisions as to whether to reach out when he’s older.

As I keep replying I have spoken to him about his responsibilities as a father of that child. He doesnt want to go there. So I need to think about how I go about this. Contact her, leave it, etc etc. I did ask him so between that child and mine why was you not paying then... I dont think he is a good human hence the whole post. Otherwise I would just take him back and forget about it.

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Bluntness100 · 25/11/2020 16:43

I’d contact her, confirm how badly he’s lying to you. And I’d leave till I knew, or kick him out.

I just can’t understand how he can abandon his own child after being with them for the first year because he split with the mother, then to lie to you about his child, give you some romantic bullshit, and then keep lying, that the child might not be his, whilst refusing point blank to pay for his child.

As said, that’s total scum right there.

Original poster

Clov3119 · 25/11/2020 16:54

@Clov3119

I have a 1 year old son with my partner. We met through a dating site so I did not know any of his friends or family. I have never met any of his friends. I met his family. When we first met I said "one day I would like kids" and I did say that I wanted to have kids with someone who had not had children before because I wanted it to be a special thing between me and that person.

I have found out, not through him, but an ex of his who contacted me that he has another child. I looked the person up and there are pictures of him holding this child with her. The child looks like him. I confronted my partner and he admitted it, but said he never thought it was his child. The child has bright blonde hair like him and looks like him. He was there for the birth and the first year of his life so he clearly thought it was his child. The child is 10 years old now!!! He doesnt support the child or see them and disappeared off the radar as far as she is concerned. Supposedly she has a rich partner and doesnt need his help but just wants money from him (this could be a lie). You cant see from Facebook if someone is rich or not so I dont know if this is true. But regardless if he is his son then he should want to know.

What hurts is that we have been together 2.5 years and this has come out only through finding out. I feel so angry as he deprived me of what I wanted. I am glad I had my son as he is a beautiful little boy and I love him with all my heart.
He has lied about other stuff too that has affected me but I dont want to get into that!

He told me he didn't tell me because he knew i wouldn't want him if he told me. So he kept it a secret all this time. But he never told any of his exes as the ex that told me said she found out from the mother of the child off of Facebook. I'm not on Facebook. She got my number through some avenue I dont really want to get into. He still wants me and is trying to get us back together. He said he will be my friend for years to come and wait until I trust him again. He doesnt care as long as he can be around me (Although this could all be a lie too to get me back). I still love him and care for him, but I'm torn up as I dont trust him anymore.
I dont know what to do. I have asked for some time to think, but he texts constantly and if I dont reply he accuses me of being with someone else like I'm the one to not be trusted. I have been loyal throughout.

I just want to add something as I am getting berated for not making this point - I say about my wishes when I met him as I told him and he still refused to tell me. Yes I did it too quickly I did ponder over my decision a long time at the time. I have spoken to him about the fact he has a responsibility to that child and his excuse that they have enough money and he hasn't seen that child in years. To which I said you have a financial and fatherly responsibility, he disregarded that. I then said what about the fact that our son actually has an older brother now also. He didn't care. I told him I am disgusted in his behaviour. He has also told me his own mother told him to keep away from them and not pay anything. Supposedly the woman was abusive and hit him and he escaped quickly one day when she was out which may be true, there is no way to find out so I kind of disregarded that myself. I have just stuck to the facts that I know to be true.

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Original poster

Clov3119 · 25/11/2020 17:04

@MiaGracie

He didn't tell you something very important because he's selfish!

my ex is currently no contact with our son, 11 months. He has also stopped his his previous son and actually has no kids in his tinder profile.

I understand you are thinking if this is big enough to leave him for but it's not the action that is the whole issue it's he character and pattern of behaviour he has shown you for years.

How did he keep quiet all those times about his own dc, how could he ever love anyone if he left his own flesh and blood. And the excuse of her dp is rich, what's that got to do with anything.

You would of gone through a whole pregnancy, with him lying the whole time, all those appointments, the birth pretending it was his first.

He manipulated you in to a relationship, that is unacceptable and unforgivable

Thankyou someone seeing the things I am seeing from this. That all them appointments where I wondered how he knew certain things and why he seemed so calm and collected. It has made me feel so stupid and every little thing I question now.

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Onthedunes · 25/11/2020 17:07

I don't think it matters how long she has known this man.

She will never know him.
He's a liar
You can't ever know a liar.
Run as fast as you can.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2020 17:07

He left his child with a violent woman and his mother told him not to pay?

What have I just read.

S111n20 · 25/11/2020 17:11

You do realise that men say oh the baby isn’t mine when they just don’t want to take any responsibility for a child. Your better of without him, he sounds a horrible liar. He will become very controlling and try to brainwash you.

Original poster

Clov3119 · 25/11/2020 17:50

@Bluntness100

He left his child with a violent woman and his mother told him not to pay?

What have I just read.

Exactly!!

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/11/2020 18:06

With his own (bullshit) twisting of the narrative he left a vulnerable baby with an abusive mother. I mean he's obviously talking shit but even in his own best case scenario he's a terrible person.

Your focus now needs to be on you and your son only. Work hard now to separate everything you currently share, go through CMS for official maintenance payments and secure your future with him as your son's dad but not your partner.

Unfortunately he is unlikely to step up as he's shown what a shit dad he is when the going gets tough, but you know you will be there to provide your son with the love he needs.

Your (hopefully ex) partner's moral compass is, to put it kindly, very fucked up.

Original poster

Clov3119 · 25/11/2020 18:10

@DrMorbius

I have never met any of his friends Did this not seem very weird to you Op?

Does not really have many friends tbh. All the friends that were around then are long gone and grown and got families of their own. He only had a few people he spoke to tbh.

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MiaGracie · 25/11/2020 21:27

@Clov3119 people like to see this so simple but life isn't like that. We have different thoughts constantly and his lying is deep rooted.

I actually question my ex dp about having a dc that I didn't know, I don't know why this feeling came over me.
But he said he hadnt dated since his ex ( single for 3 years) besides a fling a few months before me.

Well, when we separated, I spoke to his ex about our dc still having a relationship and she said he was with her for a year. He never ever brought her up, even though I caught her once trying to contacting him, around the time I announced my pregnancy. But he just blocked her.
And he seems so honest about the whole thing, she was just reaching out, bored etc. But she had a baby about the right age.

But I thought I was being crazy, well he's not seen our son for 11 months, during a pandemic he hasn't asked about him, just about collecting some hoodie.
This is a man I spent years with and in know way did I believe he could be so cold and cut off to his own dc. But I was wrong.

There were signs the whole time but they never seem big enough.
I feel for you terrible because this is a horrible situation for you.

This isn't his past, this is still going on.
Your dc has a right to know, this dc is going to grow in to an adult and your dp is acting as if he can just live his life.

AllsortsofAwkward · 25/11/2020 21:33

To be honest you had a baby with someone who was a stranger and should have been youre honeymoon period. You didn't even met his friends and briefly met his family.

MoonPomme · 25/11/2020 22:29

He might not have any friends.
I was with someone who looked like he had friends, pretended he was closer to people or had known them longer than he really had.
He turned out to be much like your ex op, shit dad, pathalogical liar and had abandoned one of his own children as a baby.
People who can do that are sick.
They are broken and they break things and leave a mess behind them.
Of his 3 'friends' I did meet, 2of them he owed money to and the other was a work friend of a couple of months he ended up using as cover for his affair.
I doubt you or your son will see him again once he knows its over.
How long had you been together when he moved in?
What were the circumstamces?
Did he move in by stealth?
Does he pay his way?

Annoymou5e · 25/11/2020 23:05

The classic ‘ she is violent / psycho etc’ so I decided to leave a baby in her care, cease contact and not pay maintenance...

The grandmother kills me. I’m sorry but if my grandchild was with a violent person I would be speaking to social services etc because I genuinely believed my grandchild was in danger.

Absolute bollocks.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/11/2020 23:38

Imagine a woman leaving her partner because he's abusive and violent, but leaving her child with them. Society would say how could she, how heartless, how cruel, how selfish. We need to stop holding women to a higher standard than men. We need to stop holding mothers to a higher standard than fathers. He is despicable.

BlueThistles · 26/11/2020 00:02

Oooft he's a shady cretin and his Mother is his teacher...

it would be the end of the relationship for me OP ..

hope you are ok 🌺

Original poster

Clov3119 · 26/11/2020 00:10

@Bluntness100

He left his child with a violent woman and his mother told him not to pay?

What have I just read.

He told me that one day he was in the dining room and there was a glass door that separated the dining room and the lounge and the baby was crawling in the lounge and she was hitting and pushing him then she shoved him through the glass door and the door swung open and hit the baby on the head. Then she was saying "now look what you have done?!" He picked up the baby and was rubbing his head and she was hitting and scratching him saying "give me my baby and he handed him to her". I was asking him if he took the child to the hospital because it sounded awful but the mum wouldn't because she knew it would be questioned. This horrified me.

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Lamppostcat · 26/11/2020 00:13

He lied about not having a child which is bad enough but what is far far worse is the fact he had a child who he simply abandoned and doesn’t support !
This to me would be completely unforgivable .
It is irrelevant if his ex is with another man or if that man has money . She could be married to the king of some faraway land and he STILL should be supporting the child he created with her
You seem way more concerned with the fact that he lied to you and whilst I understand your hurt by that I really think you need to be questioning the moral character of a man who can abandon his child like that . I feel for you in that he lied to you which shows him to be manipulative and nasty but I also feel for the other child who will grow up to know that he or she has a father who really didn’t give a shit about them
Nothing ever really changes that deep seed of doubt inside a child’s mind when they are just dumped and abandoned by a parent like that .

Enough4me · 26/11/2020 00:21

OP, everything he says is protecting him, rather than telling you the truth. He knows the baby was his. She may not have pursued CM as he was manipulative & abusive. Of course he will blame her, and she can't defend herself here can she?

You really don't know him, but you have a child to protect.

RoseTintedAtuin · 26/11/2020 00:45

Regards the time, yes it was quick but there are so many examples of people being married for years and then them finding out about lying and cheating etc. So don’t beat yourself up on that front. Time doesn’t mean honesty.
He has betrayed your trust and freely admits he would never have told you. There’s no way back from that really as there is no acknowledgement that he was wrong and would do things differently. What else is he not telling you in case you don’t want him? Of course it is difficult he has robbed you of the choice of whether you want him through his lies. But I hope for your sake and your child’s you move on from him and tell him you deserve better than this.

CorianderQueen · 26/11/2020 00:55

I mean you can't believe the abuse story because he's a liar

Skyla2005 · 26/11/2020 08:44

I wouldn’t be with a man who can act as though his child doesn’t exist. He will do the same thing to you eventually. Leave him now his a scumbag