Not sure what to think. Please help!

[Foxyloxxy7]

First time I’ve made a thread.

I was at work and a colleague I didn’t know very well came over and showed me my partner on a dating app. I’d been talking to this colleague the day before and showed them pictures of my dog that happened to have me and my partner in. This is how she recognised my partner - same photos but with me cropped out.

The profile had all the correct details name, age, height etc. And was looking ‘for something casual’. All the photos had me in and I’d been cropped out. The last location was 45km and my partner had been working away a few nights before in an area about 40km away.

I asked my partner about the profile. They said they didn’t know anything about it. They looked up the profile and said it made them sick. They told me they’d made enquires to see if anybody they knew had any idea but said nobody did. They said that the photos were all used on social media as profile images and somebody must have used these to catfish and make a profile.

I believed them and dropped it. But I can’t help this niggling feeling that my partner wasn’t telling the truth. I think because all of the details were correct, would a catfish go so far as correct age and height etc. On the other hand before this happened I had complete trust in my partner and thought they would never do something like this. Why would you crop your partner (but not dog) out of an image to use on a dating website? Why not just take new ones or use solo ones?

Am I over thinking this? Should I just let it go?

I have no idea but I'm in the exact same position right now

Do you think your colleague might have created a profile using that photo? Where were the photos you showed her - on Facebook?

The profile had all the correct details name, age, height etc. And was looking ‘for something casual’. All the photos had me in and I’d been cropped out. The last location was 45km and my partner had been working away a few nights before in an area about 40km away.

Oh sorry, just re-read. That has to be him, doesn't it?

It is possible for someone who knows his hieght and name to do this but unless its a rare location to be in then it is him. I mean, if you live rurally and 45 miles is a big town then it still could be someone else fishing.

It does seem strange that this colleague remembers what your fella looks like and finds him the next day on a dating app, is it likely to be a wind up? Or can you trust him? I would look to see if he's still on the app, if it's suddenly disappeared then it's not a random that stolen it, it's closer to home.

Sorry OP I would be all over this like shit on a stick it's not a red flag it's a red fucking parachute.

Sorry don’t mean to drip feed but realised I’ve probably left out some pertinent info. The photos weren’t on Facebook, I showed colleague them from the photos on my phone. DP had used all 3 photos as their WhatsApp profile pic in recent weeks. If it was a cat fisher it was somebody who knows DP well enough to have on WhatsApp (but with work group chats etc. That doesn’t mean knows DP well personally).

We live in a small city 45km can get you to a small town (where DP was working for the night, didn’t stay over), or 2 larger more populated towns depending on which direction you go in. There are a few villages or the sea as well!

And for what it’s worth we’ve been together 7 years and live together. No other suspicious behaviour that I can point my finger at.

I think I’m also just a bit mortified at being embarrassed in front of a near stranger colleague at work. The time I showed the dog pics to the colleague was the first time I’d met/spoken her (we hit it off about dogs) and that was 2 days before this!

@seensome I would assume that when OP was showing her colleague the photo that they perhaps remembered seeing them on the dating website and checked to confirm and then told the OP the next day.

@Foxyloxxy7 how many photos were used? Who did your partner make enquiries with? If someone is falsely using his photos shouldn’t he contact the dating site? I would ask to see confirmation that he has done that. But personally I’d be inclined to think that he’s lying. It’s too much of a coincidence that all the details are correct and the location is similar to where your partner has recently been for work. Could you check his email to see if there are any from the app/website?

Sorry, but the cynic in me thinks they had the story ready to go incase they were found out. If someone was catfishing they would make random stuff about height etc, so the fact it is all correct is weird!

What are your instincts telling you about his reaction? Was he too calm?
Have you asked questions as to who he has 'enquired' with and what did he say?

This may be because I have been burned too many times. But I couldn't just take his word for it, I would have to dig a little deeper. Hope it is all innocent for you.

Thanks for the replies so far. Very much appreciated as I really need some perspective!

@Rollergirl11 3 photos were used in total. Partner messaged some work colleagues and somebody who they know from college who lives in one of the towns (from years ago I’ve never met them). I didn’t see any messages relating to it. I signed up to the app to check the profile after it was shown to me and it didn’t send emails just a text. Although I would never check DPs emails or messages.

Sorry if I’ve confused the timeline I’m working 13 hour night shifts so the days kind of merge. It was the next shift that colleague approached me but later on into the shift so technically 2 days later date wise if that makes sense!

I wasn’t going to say this cos I was worried it’s outing. But we’re a lesbian couple. DP works in construction and basically says that it’s the dirty blokes from work trying to get dirty talk with unwitting ‘hot’ lesbians/women.

I’m so at odds what to think. Profile has now disappeared, DP says it’s because their work colleagues have found out...

I think your partner has been trying to cheat.

Sounds very suss that the profile has now been taken down now that your DP knows that you know about it.

I'm sorry but I believe your niggling feeling is right and your partner is trying or already cheated on you.

My ex husband used the same photograph he had on his social media and Whatsapp of him standing next to his father (he pixelated or cropped out his father) for dating and sex sites. A friend's ex husband also used a holiday photo with her cropped out on Tinder. People really do this kind of thing.

The fact that the profile has suddenly disappeared is definitely a red flag .unlikely a random person would have deleted the profile at the same time you found it and spoke with DP. I’d say they were browsing at the very least

OP I'm really sorry but he's lying. When I was online dating the amount of married and taken men on there I knew was astounding. They all wanted 'casual' no strings sex. Online dating for most men is an easy way to get sex IMO, think about it, realistically why would anyone catfish him with all the correct details? He's saying that because he's been caught. Lots of fellas use their wedding pics and crop the bride out!

I'm not saying this to be unkind, its just been my observations of the dating apps.

OP so sorry! Just read the full thread! my thoughts still apply though even though your DP is a woman.

If someone did this to me I’d be really angry , wanting to know who did it and getting it shut down.
How did your partner react ?

What’s your sex life like? Does he have reason to search out casual sex elsewhere?

Is your colleague also gay? Would they have seen the profile while on a dating website themselves?

I’m really on the fence with this one. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the kind of thing stupid blokes on a construction site would do. Equally your partner could be cheating. Maybe think back to her reaction when you confronted her - did she seem genuinely shocked/angry/wanting to get to the bottom of it? Or did it seem fake? Have you ever had cause for concern before? I think you are going to have to go with your gut on this one.

I think you know that she set it up.

All the information is correct and the profile has now disappeared?

Was it Tinder? You can see if she has the app on her phone, even if it’s been deleted with iPhone if she searches it in the App Store there will be a little cloud next to it if it’s been downloaded previously.

I think she's lying too op, sorry. I think you should check her phone yourself.

If it was a workmate prank then they could have used pictures of any random woman surely?
Along with the fact that the profile has now disappeared, I think it’s suspicious.
I guess it could be malicious if someone didn’t like her and was trying to cause trouble. But it’s quite a pointless thing to do as there’s no guarantee you would even find out. I think the most obvious explanation is the most likely here.

One of my fb friends was posting recently about how pathetic someone had set up a fake dating profile as her partner. I’m sorry to say my reaction was to think she is being naive and it’s much more likely that the profile is his.

Thanks for the replies.

To answer some questions. She did seem genuinely upset when I asked her about it. However I had to ask over the phone as she’s on another job up country atm and not due back for 4 weeks.

Before this I would have ever suspected she’d do anything like this. Everything with our relationship seemed great. We just bought a house together, sex life is great, she’s always complimenting me and arranging romantic date nights/gifts etc. She’s a lovely partner and I’m trying to think now - I can’t remember the last time we argued.

She was furloughed for several months (like lots of people) and her mental health really suffered. I’m a front line healthcare worker so I was working quite a lot at the time while she was sat at home alone not able to see anybody.

This is why I’m so conflicted. On one hand I would never have expected it and I’ve been in other relationships where I really wouldn’t have been surprised at all! But then if it is a colleague cat fishing why would they have got all the details correct. Why use her as opposed to any other female they know - if you’re cat fishing the photo doesn’t have to be a genuine lesbian! I do know this goes on though as I have a few friends who say lesbian dating apps are full of men pretending to be gay women (I’ve never used dating apps).

It was a dating app for lesbian and bisexual women, it wasn’t tinder. I genuinely don’t know if the colleague who told me is gay or not, I assume so as she’s on a lesbian dating app.

There’s clearly something not right because otherwise I wouldn’t be here asking advice from you lovely people, I’d know deep down that she didn’t do it!

It's odd that every thing was right and it suddenly disappears when you confront her. Can you not go to her in the next 4 weeks to discuss face to face?