Do you ever cry after a tiring day with young kids? How does your husband respond?

[Giveme]

Its very rare that I cry and rare that I cry after a hard day of juggling young DCs, work commitments, school runs, meal times, bath times and bed times.

But tonight, I am crying.

DH came in through the door as the DCs were just settling into their beds (in a fashion) and asked how my day had been. I began crying and like every other time I've cried after a long day with the DCs, he appeared annoyed or even offended.
Today his reponse was "I've only just walked through the door from work, how do you think I must feel?"

He does work hard and his job is exhausting but part of me just thinks, well atleast that's all he has to think about. Work, Eat, Sleep, Shower.
It's me doing all the house stuff, school stuff, toddler stuff, meals and my own "little" job as he sees it.

Is it just my DH who can't empathise or are there others out there too?

To also add, he thinks that other mothers don't cry or find it tough, he has implied that other mums seem to have it together more than I do (never said directly of course, but definitely implied).

You sound equally dismissive of each other's life stresses tbh.

But he asked how your day was?! What was the point in him asking if he didn't like your answer?

Btw when my dc were younger I would regularly be a frustrated mess when dh got home and he'd just take over. Yes, we argued about it occasionally because it is hard coming home to chaos and anger after a long day at work but he was mostly supportive.

My DH will give me a hug then say something unhelpful like “this is what kids are like” which kind of reverses the niceness of a hug.
When my DH walked through the door I used to be ready to offload etc but then for a while I was in the position of coming home and before I’d even got in properly I’d have it all full throttle and I found it a bit much so since then I try to give my DH at least the time to shower.

But he asked how your day was?! What was the point in him asking if he didn't like your answer?

I suppose there is a bit of a dance though, isnt there?

He asks how her day was as a way of showing interest and care.

She replies that it wasnt too bad/the usual; mindful of the fact he's just got in from work.

Then they talk properly later. The children were already in bed so nothing was needed there.

I wouldnt want someone to offload on me the second i walked through the door and I wouldn't do it to someone else either.

People need time and space to process their own stuff and wind down after long, hard day.

Most women with young kids will agree that 'work', the paid kind, is a doddle compared to looking after young kids. Let him do it for a few weeks.

No my husband would never be such an insensitive prick

To update: I never explained anything about my day after he asked, there was no offloading at all. I just couldn't seem to hold back my tears and he responded as explained in my OP.

Many men think they have it worse. When in reality, NOTHING is more difficult than raising children.

He sounds like an asshole.

Since lockdown I quite often cry over finding it difficult at the moment and DH will immediately take over and give me a hug/chocolate etc even when he's been working all day.

I would hate to be married to somebody who got annoyed when I was upset, no matter what it was over!

Sorry to add my husband is pretty supportive most of the time. Unless he’s struggling at work, which in that case tends to come home moaning about how hard his life is. We both have ups and downs and that’s okay. It’s give and take I guess!

Your Dh is a wanker.

Has he had the kids on his own all day recently??

What an arse. I've never cried after a hard day with my DC. I wish I had! Sadly, instead of tears my go-to was rage. I would rage about them to my husband when he got home after a 14 hour shift. I would call them all sorts of horrible names, say I regretted ever having them, say numerous horrendous things! And he would agree they were little shits and would make me a cup of tea.

Even though he could be a knob in many ways, he never made me feel bad about my tantrums. He knew the reason I was falling apart in the evening was because it had taken every ounce of strength not to lose it with them during the day and he much preferred i offload it on to him than them.

Your husband is WRONG I would say all the mothers I know often get stressed after a busy/stressful day of parenting young DC. It's bloody hard work.

Has he had the kids on his own all day recently??

Has he ever had them on his own all day EVER?!?

@abitfunny

Many men think they have it worse. When in reality, NOTHING is more difficult than raising children.

is it?

@DaftOldDog

You sound equally dismissive of each other's life stresses tbh.

This.

Why does everyone always jump straight on the DH being a dick? He's out at work all day doing a job that OP acknowledges is exhausting. He walks through the door and asks how OP is to be met with instant tears. I mean, it might not be your fault you were emotional OP, but I'd be a bit annoyed too in your DHs shoes. If you don't like being at home with the kids, go back to work? Then you can also have them easier life you seem to think your DH has and split the household chores.

He’s a heartless prick.

Your partner breaks down in tears, you support them. You give them love and care because you’re supposed to fucking love and care for each other.

He sounds like a wanker OP.

Some pretty unhelpful responses here OP. That seem to of ore the fact you are working in paid work and - by the sounds of it - all family "work". I agree coming home to chaos can be hard but presumably if he's working outside the home he has had a commute home to decompress?

And where is some simple humanity and connection?

My dh is great tbh and gets that looking after young kids can be more tiring/difficult than work sometimes. I think your dh should look after the kids on his own more. And learn how to empathise

I've never cried after a day with my DC when they were little...there were some difficult days, but nothing that brought me to tears.

If this is a regular occurrence, or even if its happened a few times, then I can understand why he may have responded like that.

I have sisters who I'm close with and of all my friends/colleagues when our kids were small, I've not heard any of them crying because of the kids.

Yes....there are stressful times.. the kids try your patience....but I'd be worried if I was crying because of it.

I think a lot of this is about it individual resilience and ability to cope.

I don't know if it's because your DC are particularly challenging that you feel this way.

Some pretty unhelpful responses here OP

It's different opinions...opinions don't always concur with ones personal view.

@rottiemum88

Why does everyone always jump straight on the DH being a dick?

Because it's MN and women are always right and men are always wrong....you didn't get that memo did you

@SandyY2K

I've never cried after a day with my DC when they were little...there were some difficult days, but nothing that brought me to tears.

If this is a regular occurrence, or even if its happened a few times, then I can understand why he may have responded like that.

I have sisters who I'm close with and of all my friends/colleagues when our kids were small, I've not heard any of them crying because of the kids.

Yes....there are stressful times.. the kids try your patience....but I'd be worried if I was crying because of it.

I think a lot of this is about it individual resilience and ability to cope.

I don't know if it's because your DC are particularly challenging that you feel this way.

Some pretty unhelpful responses here OP

It's different opinions...opinions don't always concur with ones personal view.

What is wrong with crying?? It's ok to cry if you've had a stressful day jeeze. Talk about minimising the OPs feelings.

He just sounds like the average man in our culture.

We raise boys to pretend that emotions don't exist and get irritated with them when they are sad or upset. So as a result the majority of men have little to no emotional vocabulary or coping skills, and outsource all the emotional stuff to women - again, because they are sort of required to, it's how boys are raised and socialized.

Your husband doesn't have a clue how to comfort you, and probably leans heavily on you to take care of his emotions for him. So if you are upset, that can easily be both annoying and inconvenient for him. Is that his fault, probably not. Is it your fault, definitely not. Does that solve the problem, which is that you need emotional comfort? Absolutely not. But it's what heterosexual relationships are like in our culture, due to how massively sexist we are in the way we raise kids.

I do cry after tiring days, my DP finds it almost impossible to cope with and becomes panic-stricken over it sometimes - he does his best but even he, a very touchy feely, feminist guy, finds it hard.

There is no easy answer to this sort of thing. Maybe your H is a total abusive arsehole - he absolutely could be. Maybe he just doesn't have the skills to take care of you emotionally. Maybe a mixture of both.

My advice to you this time around is to get yourself calmed down, take care of yourself, lean on someone else and when you are feeling better, perhaps have a calm, empathetic chat with your OH about how he could better respond next time. If he's going to improve in this area, he will need lots of coaching, including some trying and failing. It may never get better as well it is difficult to gain emotional skills if you are the kind of person who denies their own feelings.

Its very rare that I cry and rare that I cry after a hard day of juggling young DCs

I began crying and like every other time I've cried after a long day with the DCs

These two statements seem a little bit contradictory to me.

If your crying is rare, then perhaps his response would be different...I'd it's frequent as your second statement suggests, then he's probably fed up of it.

Different people find different things stressful or difficult...and if someone cries in a situation you think they shouldn't...it can affect how they respond.

Not everyone will behave exactly as you want in any given situation.