Do you ever cry after a tiring day with young kids? How does your husband respond?

[Giveme]

Its very rare that I cry and rare that I cry after a hard day of juggling young DCs, work commitments, school runs, meal times, bath times and bed times.

But tonight, I am crying.

DH came in through the door as the DCs were just settling into their beds (in a fashion) and asked how my day had been. I began crying and like every other time I've cried after a long day with the DCs, he appeared annoyed or even offended.
Today his reponse was "I've only just walked through the door from work, how do you think I must feel?"

He does work hard and his job is exhausting but part of me just thinks, well atleast that's all he has to think about. Work, Eat, Sleep, Shower.
It's me doing all the house stuff, school stuff, toddler stuff, meals and my own "little" job as he sees it.

Is it just my DH who can't empathise or are there others out there too?

Ah ok - it's only 1 day then?! I'd probably say it's a bit much to expect empathy from your DH in that case? And if my partner was on me the minute I'd walked in the door from an exhausting job I'd be a bit 🤷‍♀️

I think his is a normal response to having a hard day too. He's not saying he can't empathise with you, he's saying he'd like you to empathise with him.

Don't make life a competition over who's most tired. Get an early night and plan a restful weekend where you all look after each other.

Good grief feel like people are being a bit harsh here. As someone who cries a lot as an emotional response to stress and tiredness it’s not exactly something you preplan. Has no one ever had that moment where someone asks how you are or if you are okay and the next thing you are in tears that you didn’t even really expect?

I cry after a hard day at home to my husband when he finishes work and yes he might have had a bad day too but why can comforting each other not happen? It doesn’t have to be one at the expense of the other surely? I don’t think it’s healthy for either person to have to hide emotions or either person to say that the other has no right to be upset or feeling the strain of a hard day because their day was “harder”.

So, you: work + school runs + toddler childcare + house stuff
Him: work

You: in tears
Him: “How do you think I feel, I’ve just got in from work!”

He doesn’t sound very caring, to say the least.

I do know what it’s like to come in from a long day at work to be met with yet more people who need you. It is exhausting and I have thought more than once “FFS can I at least not take my shoes off in peace?” But I would not sulk at someone who’d been working and doing everything else and was in tears for not putting me first, because I am not an arse.

@Giveme

We have childcare arrangements but I had to have a day off with poorly DC last week and I'm behind with my work. Hence trying to work on my "day off" *@ivfbeenbusy*

Was this an unusual day then? From your OP, it sounded like you've been in tears frequently enough for your DH to not be surprised by it.

When the children are at childcare and you're doing a 'typical' day's work, is it a manageable level?

He should have been kinder to you when you were that upset. That’s just basic decency.

I get angry at my DH too for not understanding the relentlessness of being with a wee one all day, especially now when there’s nothing open to take them too and we’re having horizontal rain here most days. I was furloughed from April to mid August after trying to work from home but DH couldn’t help because he’s full time and I’m part time and he earns a lot more. I went from having a job and a life outside the home to having to wait for the tiny windows between someone else’s Zoom calls if I wanted to go to the toilet alone and I cried a fucking lot.

When I cried and said I need more help from him he said "you'll take whatever help I chose to give and you'll be thankful for it". He is now an ex whom we didnt see at all for 5 years. He only came back into the children's lives once they were old enough to not need as much looking after and effort from him.

On the question of is it ok to have to deal with things as you walk in the door and responses like Why does everyone always jump straight on the DH being a dick? He's out at work all day doing a job that OP acknowledges is exhausting. He walks through the door and asks how OP is to be met with instant tears.
The answer is not ‘oh because it’s Mumsnet’. It’s because the huge majority of working women are either single mums or part of a working couple - there is no one tending the home fires for us. So the only normal we know from working is doing either the wake them up brekky dressed brush teeth pack bag commute drop off or the pick up dinner with cranky tired dc. The concept of ‘oh let your husband unwind when he gets home’ is pretty alien to everyone used to sprinting out of work to get the cranky tired dc and get some dinner into them. Being able to decompress on arrival home from work when you have small children is largely a working dad privilege.

He sounds very uncaring.

Your load is enormous and is no way comparable to being able to focus on one item during the day.

Your workload is the reason women are run ragged especially during the early years when childcare is so intensive.

Does he mind his children much?

It's funny how the most unfeeling of men somehow have the least to do with one on one minding of their children.

If there was one piece of advice I would give first time mothers it would be, involving him with the baby from day one and leaving him in sole charge should be a priority.
No one can understand what it's really like until they do it themselves.

If this is who he is generally, protect yourself.
If it's a one off incident talk to him about it.

I would be very hurt at his response but only you know if this is a pattern or a one off.

I hope you feel better today. I certainly remember feeling like I wanted a cry after a relentless day on broken sleep.

The “which is harder, work vs childcare?” debate is utterly pointless, as jobs and children vary so wildly. I definitely found working easier when DS was small because my job was fairly low pressure and I was very experienced, whereas DS was a difficult toddler / preschooler and I had no idea what I was doing and no family support! But those who have stressful jobs and biddable children will say the opposite, and we should acknowledge each other’s experiences.

I’m also a bit confused by the idea that working can get you out of doing any childcare. Even if they’re in wrap-around-care, they’ll still need collecting, feeding, bathing and putting to bed. Unless you can afford a nanny, opting out of that is a luxury only one parent per family can have.

the OP said she WORKS, school runs, meal times, bath times, bed times

IMO that is a lot to juggle, and harder than focusing on work solely.

It can be relentless.

@timeisnotaline

On the question of is it ok to have to deal with things as you walk in the door and responses like Why does everyone always jump straight on the DH being a dick? He's out at work all day doing a job that OP acknowledges is exhausting. He walks through the door and asks how OP is to be met with instant tears. The answer is not ‘oh because it’s Mumsnet’. It’s because the huge majority of working women are either single mums or part of a working couple - there is no one tending the home fires for us. So the only normal we know from working is doing either the wake them up brekky dressed brush teeth pack bag commute drop off or the pick up dinner with cranky tired dc. The concept of ‘oh let your husband unwind when he gets home’ is pretty alien to everyone used to sprinting out of work to get the cranky tired dc and get some dinner into them. Being able to decompress on arrival home from work when you have small children is largely a working dad privilege.

Yes, exactly. The idea that you shouldn’t burden men with things like childcare and housework if they’ve been at work all day is just bizarre. “Can you imagine getting back after a long day at work and someone just handing you a baby to deal with?” Yes, nursery do this to me every day?

Exactly they are his children. Why wouldn't he????

And all the women that can work and do the childcare while standing on their head and never breaking a sweat, who are you trying to prove to that you're superwoman?
Are you a failure or something if you're a woman and find it hard?
The pressure on women in society is crazy and some of these harsh replies only enforce that.

No, just saying that he might have stresses of his own in the job his wife describes as "exhausting".
And that having a bit of time to decompress isnt too much to ask before someone unload their own shit day.

Why are his emotions (I’m tired) more important than OPs (I’m fed up and stressed out)?

None of this “he’s the breadwinner” rubbish either. She works too, no?

But she's had no time to do that at all.

He's a parent, it's part of it.

@DaftOldDog

No, just saying that he might have stresses of his own in the job his wife describes as "exhausting". And that having a bit of time to decompress isnt too much to ask before someone unload their own shit day.

I dunno - if you ask someone how their day has gone and they burst into tears, would your first reaction really be "ugh, wish they wouldn't unload on me"? I think most of us would go "oh no, clearly they've had a bad day" and not "how dare they tell me about it after I've asked".

I bet the OP would bloody love a bit of decompression time between work and collections.

The kids were in bed, put by HER, when he came home.
She was wrecked.
All that would have helped would have been a hug and "you poor pet, it's so hard to do it all some days".
A small bit of empathy and kindness.

I remember being surrounded by a lot of men who had to "work late", when in reality it was dodging the feeding/bedtime routine at home of their young children, that their working wives faced alone.

Selfish pricks.

Hes being a dick. To be honest it doesnt matter what you're being upset about (unless you are crying every day about tiny things which j could see would be annoying), if it matters enough to upset someone you love then its important and most people would give sympathy and a hug even if they secretly thought the reason was ridiculous. Immediately comparing it to his feelings is making it all about him, its selfish and shows a lack of empathy

No, just saying that he might have stresses of his own in the job his wife describes as "exhausting".

All that tells me is that the OP is capable of a level of empathy that it seems her DH is not. Belittling her job makes him sound like an arse too.

I knew a guy once, recently divorced who stopped seeing his kids after work one night a week because his ex was on the driveway waiting when he got home and he wanted half an hour to himself first. I asked him how his ex felt the other 4 nights when she went straight from job to childcare pick up and home to do dinner, homework etc. He went rather quiet. I used to have a 30 min drive between work and childcare which I loved. Now it's 5 mins which in theory is better but isn't really as I go straight from one set of kids asking me stuff to another set. The guy in the OPs scenario is a parent. He's presumably had at least some travel time from work to home and if he was a supportive partner and father, he might privately think 'ffs' but step in and do some part of the evening routine. Not to 'help' the OP, bi because his children need parenting so why shouldn't he?