Do you ever cry after a tiring day with young kids? How does your husband respond?

[Giveme]

Its very rare that I cry and rare that I cry after a hard day of juggling young DCs, work commitments, school runs, meal times, bath times and bed times.

But tonight, I am crying.

DH came in through the door as the DCs were just settling into their beds (in a fashion) and asked how my day had been. I began crying and like every other time I've cried after a long day with the DCs, he appeared annoyed or even offended.
Today his reponse was "I've only just walked through the door from work, how do you think I must feel?"

He does work hard and his job is exhausting but part of me just thinks, well atleast that's all he has to think about. Work, Eat, Sleep, Shower.
It's me doing all the house stuff, school stuff, toddler stuff, meals and my own "little" job as he sees it.

Is it just my DH who can't empathise or are there others out there too?

When you do cry, are you crying simply because the children have been particularly testing that day or is there more to it? I apologise if I have got the wrong end of the stick here but I can't help but think this is not just about trying DC but drudgery, exhaustion and perhaps even underappreciation too. From what you write, I get the impression DH does sweet FA. Is this the case?

Oh hells bells OP, I just advanced searched you. I know it's not the Done Thing but I was curious as to what DH is like. I saw the dishcloth thread. You really have had enough haven't you.

May I ask, would your life be easier without him in it? I don't mean financially, I mean emotionally and physically.

I am regularly brought to tears by my kids, particularly when they were small. My view is this is not abnormal. Not on to say you are weird/ lesser because you have a tough day. Hope you have a better one today

@abitfunny

Many men think they have it worse. When in reality, NOTHING is more difficult than raising children.

Total bollocks. I spent all night trying to keep a 36 year old mother of three alive while her husband is camped out in the carp park, refusing to leave dispute security trying to move him. When I came off I was exhausted , dripping in sweat and the skin on my face was red raw. But at least she was breathing evenly and the monitor was bleeping happily. I then had to comfort a young colleague who couldn’t stop shaking. I’ve had three kids and looking after them was a piece of piss.

"Many men think they have it worse. When in reality, NOTHING is more difficult than raising children."

Total bollocks.

Have to say, I'm inclined to agree.

I have 2 children. I teach a class of 30.

I can tell you which is harder (and its not being at home!)

I don’t think the issue here is who is doing more etc but that you’d had a rubbish day and wanted care and empathy from him. His response should have been loving rather than blocking the emotions you were feeling. Hope today is a better day xx

Reminds me of how my sister used to dump her child on to my bil immediately he came in from work as she found being a mum so hard to start with (20+ years ago). It became known that he parked up and sat in his car for a while before going home as he couldn't face it after a long day at work himself. My sympathies then were with my bil. He's a good husband and father and has very much put in the time with his children (they had 3 more after the first). However I do understand my sister was going through a tough time, adjusting to being a parent, and had found it hard to bond with her first child. But she was being unfair to her husband.

I don’t think the issue here is who is doing more etc but that you’d had a rubbish day and wanted care and empathy from him. His response should have been loving rather than blocking the emotions you were feeling

Fair enough.

But what if he had also had a shit day and he was the one who got in first with the emotional unloading?

Should she have put her own feelings aside to comfort him?

I think it's reasonable to allow someone some time to decompress from their own day before expecting them to support you through yours.

I have always worked since having kids, 3 to 4 days a week. I didn't find being at home with them harder than being at work (though 4 year age gap so can appreciate a baby plus toddler would be more difficult).

Work can be very full on plus you have to get on with it, however you feel. At home there is some leeway and chance to do your own thing if the child is napping, kids at school etc. On the other hand, at work you have systems to follow and colleagues, whereas it's more lonely at home and you are far more emotionally involved. (Pre kids I used to get upset about work sometimes, but once I had kids, I never felt so emotional about it though my job meant / means a lot to me)

I think its wrong to assume being a mother is the hardest work. It is 24/7 though (on/off) and works best if a couple support each other.

I'm not the crying type but my DH never likes it when I get into a self pitying mood. And I wouldn't like it if he did. He's not unsupportive though. I think expecting immediate sympathy is unrealistic but it would be sensible to sit down later and talk it over when you are both ready for it.

But if there are other aspects of your relationship that you are unhappy with, that's a different matter.

Gosh. Some harsh responses here. When my children were little and I’d have a rough day, DH would walk through the door and I walked straight out, drove to the shops, and sat in the parking lot eating Mars Bars. He totally got it.

Also, it’s REALLY good for your mental health to let it out and have a cry. Maybe motherhood isn’t as ‘hard’ as other jobs, but it’s emotional, frustrating, you literally get shit on you and NO THANKS. I’d give you a cuddle and an ear after a long day. I would for my DH too.

When my children were little and I’d have a rough day, DH would walk through the door and I walked straight out, drove to the shops, and sat in the parking lot eating Mars Bars. He totally got it.

People are different. Jobs are different. People's capacity to personally manage the day's stresses ae different. People's need for down time and to decompress is different.

@rottiemum88 I do work.
As stated clearly in my OP.
It happens that I'm juggling work AND childcare at the same time thanks to the WFH arrangement due to COVID.
Please read before posting.

I think he sounds cold and you are taking on the bulk of the work. You need to divide it up. Batch cook and try and make life easier. But I do feel I take on most of the work and household stuff too due to dh upbringing (very 1950s) and it's hard to break the mould.
Some evenings when dh comes in I go out. Just for a look around town (sometimes only the windows). Could you go for a walk when he comes in? It might help just for 15 mins and leave him at it for a while. He must work late if dc are already in bed when he comes in? Is he avoiding the bedtime routine deliberately.

DaftOldDog Exactly. And we can all provide a little empathy.

You know what happens everytime with a thread like this on mumsnet, it becomes a competition over who has it the hardest and all the stories come out comparing who has the hardest job, copes the best etc

It is all relative. Know one ones the whole story of the OP or her homelife, only a snippet of what she writes. Coming on here with your 'well I work 24/7, 10 kids and I never complain or cry' is no help at all. Do people feel better venting that to someone who obvs needs a bit of support from mumsnet?

What if the children aspect wasn't part of the post and she had been wfh crying when the partner walked home, would that be ok? What if she came home to her partner crying wfh? Would that be jumped on the same?

I can see both sides. Yes I have cried once or twice.

[quote Giveme]@rottiemum88 I do work.
As stated clearly in my OP.
It happens that I'm juggling work AND childcare at the same time thanks to the WFH arrangement due to COVID.
Please read before posting.[/quote]

If you're working and providing childcare then yes I can understand why you'd cry and yes I did that during the last lockdown BUT I had no choice as preschool/childminders closed .......why aren't you're kids in childcare? Are they shut for some reason? Are they isolating for 2 weeks?

OR.....Are you using WFH to save money on nursery or before/after school? Because if so you've made a rod for your own back there and no sympathy?

Oh by the way, there are no medals in life for never crying when you've had a tough day.

We have childcare arrangements but I had to have a day off with poorly DC last week and I'm behind with my work. Hence trying to work on my "day off" @ivfbeenbusy

I'm sorry you had a shit day

But (emergencies aside) I do think it's unfair to offload on someone the minute they walk through the door.

As always with these threads it descends into a competition about whether out of the home work or at home work is harder when the point is this person's experience of how they actually experienced it, not what they 'should' experience.

OP I had this many times when my kids were small and always felt that the dismissive attitude of someone who was meant to love me when I was clearly struggling was almost worse than the crashing nightmare of a bad day with the kids. Making sure he experiences this at least once in his life might help but mainly it was talking to him when you're not upset that worked for us. Unless it was just the kids getting older.

I don't doubt it sucks getting home to the dregs of the crashing nightmare but they are his kids too and therefore it's a team job to mitigate said nightmare and dismissal doesn't cut it - and is really bad for the relationship long term.

Most women with young kids will agree that 'work', the paid kind, is a doddle compared to looking after young kids.

That's quite a sweeping statement, and certainly not true in my experience. Depends on what you do, I guess, and also on how challenging your dc are!

I agree that there seems to be a lack of empathy on both sides here.

OP, if you're ending up in tears on multiple occasions, is there any chance that you could be depressed?

OP I'm the same. I work a couple of days a week whilst looking after my 3 year old. His relatives cant have him anymore as he is too much hard work and hasnt got a nursery place for another couple of months. It's hard work and I can feel myself falling further and further into a big dark hole and dont know how to come out. I will take time off for Christmas and so will his dad so I will get a break there. Otherwise it's just me and him 6 days a week on our own. His behaviour is extremely difficult and I dont have any support as family cant cope with the behaviour. My partner reacts the same as your DP did and just seems annoyed that I'm finding it hard. I'd love him to do what I do for even half a week. He would be begging to go back to work.

All we can do is keep going and hopefully come out the other side. Here is you need to chat anytime OP x

Sorry, I just don’t get the harsh replies. Sometimes your day will feel so rubbish that you will be desperate for your partner to return and will vent as soon as they walk in! I recall those days from kids in the early days! I would always offer support to my partner in this situation as it’s clear they are finding things hard. I work and had mat leave- sometimes both are stressful so there is no right or wrong to this. It just depends on the day- some days dealing with screaming kids can feel worse than work stress and vice versa.
Blimey all you wanted was some care. I feel other posters are over reading this. Of course you can sometimes have a rubbish day and want to cry