He's gone.

[allgoneagain]

DP and I have lived together and just over 2 years. I have a 5yo DD from previous relationship that adores him.

We have had our ups and downs, mainly due to his drinking (borderline alcoholic) and it all came to a head yesterday.

I came home at around lunchtime to find he had left work early and was sat in my lounge with a friend (idiot) drinking, both drunk. I obviously showed my displeasure because he said he would walk him home. Didn't return for 5 hours.

I was so cross, poured all the alcohol in the house away while he was out and told him it's now a dry house. He said 'yeah ok tomorrow' - I tried to pull the van of beer away from him unsuccessfully and he told me to stop being silly.

This morning he was almost normal, but came home from work, packed a few things and said "there is no going back from violence- I'm leaving"

So he has gone.

I am absolutely broken, DD doesn't know what is going on and I KNOW that it's probably for the best but my god we love him.

Also period is a bit late and slightly concerned about that- I haven't mentioned that to him yet as I don't want it to come across as emotional blackmail if I am wrong.

You know this isn’t a good situation to bring a baby into. You know it.

If he has a drink problem now, it will only get worse once he’s tested with the trials and tribulations of raising a baby! Having an alcoholic parent can be a miserable existence as a child.

I don't know why I do it to myself. I'm well educated, good job, stable upbringing etc etc

Yet DDs father is a waste of space who doesn't contribute to her upbringing and does the bare minimum, and this man seems to be the same.

I probably need counselling of my own, to deal with whatever attachment issues I have.

I need to sleep now, I have work and school run in the morning and I don't want to be a red eyed mess. Thank you all, I will update.

He's done you a massive favour and take. The choice away from him, just make sure he sticks to it. He's an alcoholic and it is highly unlikely to get better, actually it will only get worse, a lot worse

Oooh the drama.

Please love yourself more and get rid of him, he is not worthy of you or your daughter.

You have only been together 2 years you should still be in the honey moon faze not putting up with this shit.
Take some control bag up his crap and tell him to pick it up.

Life's too short to stay with someone like that he is no good for you, the whole time you are hanging on to this waste of space you are holding yourself back from meeting someone worth while, you have wasted 2years with this idiot, don't waste anymore.

I'm a recovering alcoholic OP and back when I was drinking this is the sort of nasty, manipulative shit I would have pulled if I felt someone "threatened" my drinking. He's trying to make sure you don't question his drinking ever again by there now being a threat hanging over you of a shit load of drama if you do.

My advice would be to keep him gone. The line between heavy drinker/borderline alcoholic and full blown alcoholism is a fine one and problem drinking only ever tends to gets worse. It's bad enough already though isn't it, and you and your child deserve better.

You would be doing a real disservice to your DC if you stay with this man OP. He is reckless and abusive. Please put your child first this time. And you would be mad to have his baby if you are pregnant. Harsh I know but you say you are educated.

@DontInjectBleach

You would be doing a real disservice to your DC if you stay with this man OP. He is reckless and abusive. Please put your child first this time. And you would be mad to have his baby if you are pregnant. Harsh I know but you say you are educated.

Exactly this.

If by chance you are pregnant it would be a terrible circumstance in which to proceed with the pregnancy.

My heart breaks for your existing child that you chose to move an alcoholic boyfriend into her home and let her get emotionally attached. You need to seek counseling for her as well as yourself.

The fact he was getting drunk with a friend of his in your home makes my skin crawl and be fearful for your defenceless DD. I can’t even imagine how scary it would feel for her to be around that. I hope you do the right thing for her and do what other posters have said and be done with him.

@PerveenMistry he wasn't drinking like this before or when he first moved in, it has escalated over COVID with lack of work etc. I'm not making excuses, just trying to make it clear that I didn't 'move my alcoholic boyfriend in'

We were running late for school so I'm at work and will try on go to chemist on lunch break....

I had 2 calms tablets for breakfast....

He will be back...don't let him stay. Your DD is young enough to forget him but if he stays, then she will see a dysfunctional relationship as normal and grow up with an alcoholic as a Father figure.

He is not coming back. I told him there is to be no more alcohol in the house, and this time I'm not folding/backing down.

Please don't take him back OP, or put his name on the hypothetical birth certificate. No one needs any sort of relationship with an alcoholic. Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

Pack his stuff, leave it in the porch, get the locks changed, have a good cry and explain to your daughter that he's gone because of his behaviour around alcohol. Move on.

He is not coming back. I told him there is to be no more alcohol in the house, and this time I'm not folding/backing down

Good on you. I don't think you'll have an easy few weeks but I'm sure that soon enough you'll appreciate not having him around

Bugger- 2 big fat positives....

Oh, I'm sorry. I know this should be a joyous moment, but this is not what you need right now

Tell him about the pregnancy it might give you a better understanding on what to do, if you go ahead with it. I'm not sure how old you are but you don't have to go through with it, it'll be hard to bring another child up on your own

Yes, I would be up front straight away ref the pregnancy

Your 5 year old will have an alcoholic entwined in their life because the younger sibling has contact with drunk loser dad. To let yourself get knocked up by an alcoholic I suspect you are seriously broody. Assuming you are not 45, you can have a child with a good man or a sperm donor to avoid binding your family to an alcoholic.

Harsh as that ^^ sounds it is REALLY worth thinking about!

Sorry you’re in this situation OP. My one piece of advice would be don’t rush into telling him. Take a few weeks to decide what YOU want to do, without his influence, and don’t be swayed by anything he says. He might promise you and baby he’ll change, but by the time you’ll know if that’s true, it will be too late. Spend some time thinking about the (likely) worst case scenarios: he disappears and gets on with a new life while you bring up your 2 children alone. Or (perhaps worse) he shows up when it suits, and baby is never put before alcohol.

Either way, it seems to me like he’ll be able to get on with his life, drinking, meeting a new partner etc. when all of that will be out the window for you for years to come!

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have the baby. I’m saying presume you’ll get NOTHING from him and then make YOUR decision.

Don't tell him. You are hoping it will give him a moment of clarity but he'll just see it as another way of manipulating you. And if you have the baby you'll be totally fucked and stuck with him and putting another child through this abusive, damaging shit (child of an alcoholic here). He's trying to train you! If he can't get sober for you he sure as hell won't do it for a baby. It'll be another reason to drink and another way of binding you to him.

I do have to say that if my partner decided to pour all my drink down the sink unannounced, told me I'd be living in a dry home from now on and tried to physically wrestle the last beer out of my hands in my own home I think I'd probably be off too. He was only having a drink with a mate; just because you don't like that doesn't make him an alcoholic. And even if he does have a problem it's his home too, you're not the ruler of a communist state with him as your subject. Never mind, it sounds like you've got him out which is what you wanted, and I hope you can have a happy life going forward.

@JovialNickname thanks for that- I can see it from that angle but the alcohol has been an issue for a while and he knows it's a problem. It's the only thing that causes issues in our relationship.

The other one art of this is that he does actually want to stop drinking and feels powerless against it.

"What I want" is not for him to leave, but for him to be sober 90% of the time and look after him mental health.