A Covid family drama

[Syrah550]

My mother is a little bit narcissistic and has become rather right wing in her views since her 70's. She cares for my father, in his 90's who has suffered a stroke.

My sister and I have already said that we don't think it's a good idea for us to all spend Xmas together this year, mainly due to the risk to my elderly parents, particularly my father who is extremely frail.

My sister has a son who she's close to, who lives in another household, and I have a DH and baby. We have all been really careful this year due to my pregnancy and baby, and sister, me and DH all being asthmatic, and parents being elderly. We met them outside with the new baby in the summer, but since then they've only seen us on Zoom. We live 3 hrs away.

Anyway, Dsis and my view is we spend Xmas in our own households this year and not visit our parents. This was mainly to protect them and stay safe after all the hard graft we've put in this year. It seems crazy to throw that all away and meet indoors for hours breathing in the same air, just as we are about to get a vaccine.

(Today's rule announcement also complicates things as Dsis would want to see her son, as would my parents, and my DH also has his own family to think about).

Anyway my mother says we are all being "cruel", as she's only met her newest grandchild once and it's Christmas. She is furious that we are being so cautious. She says it's gone on long enough! She has refused to respond to messages since we had an initial conversation about it at the weekend. My father is frail and slow but he says that it should be up to "the children" what they want to do, and not up to my mother to dictate.

To be clear, DSis and I raised our concerns but said let us wait until we know more about the gov guidance and what the virus is doing. So we didn't clearly decide - we tried to have an open discussion.

I feel really sorry for my parents and having this year towards the end of their life has been so sad. My father has declined without as much stimulation and is horrible to watch. I feel sorry for my mother as caring is incredibly hard. But I think it's crazy to just say "sod it" and meet up. Plus my mother wouldn't shield for the two weeks beforehand if we asked them to- because she will do things like just nip to the shops, or whatever, and say it didn't count because she ran out of lettuce or something.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. But how on earth to communicate this to my mother? Or do I just accept she will be seething...?

Wondering if I were your mum, would I make arrangements to meet up with some other abandoned oldies, get wildly drunk together & rail about our neurotic children....

No one can tell you what to do. We don't have to live with the consequences.

What does your father want? He's in his 90's and frail - with or without covid, time is not on his side. I truly don't mean to be insensitive, but you don't have much time left to visit with him, and I can imagine that he's very lonely and missing his family. If your mum is going to the shops he's already being possibly exposed. It's a very tough decision.

Why does it matter if she goes to the shops if your main concern is protecting her and your father? It comes across more like you protecting yourself.
Sorry to be harsh but your dad might die soon. I'd do Xmas with your sisters family, yours and parents if I was you. And I wish my circumstances were straightforward enough that I had a decision as easy as that.

They are the ones most at risk...of Covid and of spending their last months isolated away from family. Let them choose their risk. If you are worried about yourself and are shielding, then you must carry on and shield.

I have lost a parent in the pandemic. I’m seeing the other parent because time is precious.

What would be your choice if you didn’t have a pandemic to sway you? Any chance you just don’t want to see her? Which is a valid position but I think you might feel better if you own that?

How will you feel if it turns out to be your dad's last Christmas?

@QuentinWinters it's not "straightforward". As I said DSis son lives in another household, and my DH has various family households.

tooold
Does it have to be one or the other..? I don’t want to see my mum at Christmas (long, old story) AND I don’t want to potentially be responsible for the death of my stepdad, who is in his 90s and wouldn’t survive a common cold, let alone covid.

@category12 I suppose I worry it will be his last Christmas because one of us has brought Covid-19 with us.

@Aquamarine1029 my father doesn't like Christmas. He is always humbug about it. He just told my mother that it's not up to her to dictate.

Let your parents decide. As #Category12 said, it could be your last Christmas together.

Covid symptoms usually come out at 5 days, so be stringent for the 6 days before. Wear masks, isolate to a point.
Go and see them, have a wonderful Christmas.

I’d go for my dad if he was happy with that as I’d view the risk of a fatal dose of Covid is likely to lower than that of not having another Christmas with him . it sounds as though you’re using your own health anxieties to avoid your mother in the light of her not wanting to shield for two weeks before you go . That’s your decision of course .

They are the ones at risk. Let them make the choice. Obviously if anyone has symptoms near the day then cancel. I've got an elderly person visiting for Christmas who has decided the loneliness is worse than the risk of catching this virus (or some other illness). We have joked about me being happy to live with his death due to his visit. He has been quite firm that if he does catch his death then that is OK because he made a conscious decision to take the risk in full knowledge of the risks.

Yes, but my Dad isn't the one saying we should go. It's my mum. My Dad isn't a fan of Xmas. My mum is talking about her needs. Which aren't irrelevant- but she's not talking about my dads health.

Also, why would we trash all our hard work this year for one day when a vaccine is literally round the corner, and my father may be vaccinated extremely soon?

Could you explain to your parents that they are likely to be able to have the vaccine in the next few months so you can do a big family celebration and get together then? Couch it in terms of 'if we wait a month or 2 dad won't be put at risk'?

Oops cross posted there about the vaccine!

Your dad says he isn't bothered either way, which means he is not worried about you infecting him and/or not worried about dying from this now. It is a fairly common attitude with people who know they are already in the last stage of life.

It might be important to your mum to know you have seen him this Christmas if she thinks he might not be here by summer. She might need the support to get through it herself.

@BiscuitsUnited yes that's exactly what we said! That we'd organise a lovely weekend at Easter time and do all the Christmas stuff then.

@StrippedFridge it's a lovely idea but no, that's not my mothers mindset! She has been putting him at risk.

Your mother sounds unpleasant, but then, many people have become unpleasant in the context of the pandemic. Lots of coping mechanisms are being stripped away.

If it were me, I would isolate myself and my family before Xmas, request that sister does the same, and go and spend Xmas with mum and dad. Especially as he is so old. I wouldn't want him alone with mum when mum is enraged and devastated about being left on her own etc.

Your mum is putting him at risk already. Why not let him be just as at risk, but with his family.

My 2p, but then, the other side of it is, if your mother is generally awful and you just don't want to bother with her this year, I get that too - as long as you're sure your dad won't suffer for it.

My dad is 87 and lives alone. He always wants us all to go to his for Christmas (there's 3 of us, plus 2 partners, my sil and 6 kids). But this year he is resigned / determined to spend it alone. And we have hardly seen him since March because of Covid. He's not frail and not typical late 80s. Realistically he could well have quite a few years left if he avoids Covid (or possibly even if he doesn't) but you never know, it could be his last Christmas. But none of us want to take the risk of passing the virus to him so we won't be seeing him.

In your situation I would stay away. Your dad isn't even alone. I'm not sure how many family members we will see either- none of us are technically at risk, except by being a bit older, but why take a chance? It will be different next year so I feel it's acceptable to make a sacrifice now.

What support does your mum have? Elderly caring for elderly can be just awful for the carer.

I disagree that your father is at risk anyway from your mum's shopping habits. It's pretty unlikely she would catch the virus from passing contact at a shop, but if anyone in the family had contracted Covid prior to your visit, it would be highly likely the virus would pass to other family members during a visit of several hours.

And can you all really isolate for 14 days prior to Christmas? In our family several of us are out at work, and two of the kids still at school.

Tell her to watch this. 87 year old Joan Bakewell on Channel 4 news tonight. Telling her to jolly well wait a few weeks until the vaccine's out and not throw away all that hard work. Might do the trick if she likes the likes of Joan Bakewell.
www.channel4.com/news/professor-devi-sridhar-and-joan-bakewell-unpack-the-new-christmas-rules

It's so hard, in a way I wish the government would just cancel families getting together at Christmas as save us from the anxiety of meeting up with older relatives, I would feel awful if I gave an elderly relative covid 🤷‍♀️