A Covid family drama

[Syrah550]

My mother is a little bit narcissistic and has become rather right wing in her views since her 70's. She cares for my father, in his 90's who has suffered a stroke.

My sister and I have already said that we don't think it's a good idea for us to all spend Xmas together this year, mainly due to the risk to my elderly parents, particularly my father who is extremely frail.

My sister has a son who she's close to, who lives in another household, and I have a DH and baby. We have all been really careful this year due to my pregnancy and baby, and sister, me and DH all being asthmatic, and parents being elderly. We met them outside with the new baby in the summer, but since then they've only seen us on Zoom. We live 3 hrs away.

Anyway, Dsis and my view is we spend Xmas in our own households this year and not visit our parents. This was mainly to protect them and stay safe after all the hard graft we've put in this year. It seems crazy to throw that all away and meet indoors for hours breathing in the same air, just as we are about to get a vaccine.

(Today's rule announcement also complicates things as Dsis would want to see her son, as would my parents, and my DH also has his own family to think about).

Anyway my mother says we are all being "cruel", as she's only met her newest grandchild once and it's Christmas. She is furious that we are being so cautious. She says it's gone on long enough! She has refused to respond to messages since we had an initial conversation about it at the weekend. My father is frail and slow but he says that it should be up to "the children" what they want to do, and not up to my mother to dictate.

To be clear, DSis and I raised our concerns but said let us wait until we know more about the gov guidance and what the virus is doing. So we didn't clearly decide - we tried to have an open discussion.

I feel really sorry for my parents and having this year towards the end of their life has been so sad. My father has declined without as much stimulation and is horrible to watch. I feel sorry for my mother as caring is incredibly hard. But I think it's crazy to just say "sod it" and meet up. Plus my mother wouldn't shield for the two weeks beforehand if we asked them to- because she will do things like just nip to the shops, or whatever, and say it didn't count because she ran out of lettuce or something.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. But how on earth to communicate this to my mother? Or do I just accept she will be seething...?

Cherry picked the thread a bit but it sounds like you really dont want to go so I dont really see what the issue is? Don't go.

My dad died from hospital acquired Covid in April, no idea last year was his last Christmas I personally wouldnt be missing it. Not sure how being asthmatic comes into it. I'm asthmatic too - still would want to see my parents and for them to see their grandchildren at christmas time. If he was still with us and I knew then what I know now - I would be getting tested to make sure we were safe and I'd be going to visit.

Op if you want advice for talking to your mum, the answer typically is just not to entertain a discussion.

She won't come around to your way of thinking, you've just got to leave it really. The more you discuss, the more she will argue and act out.

Send her some flowers, write her a card saying you understand her feelings and how hard this is for her, and then patiently allow her to rage and froth at the mouth etc and eventually she will move on from it. Or she may not, bit that isn't really within your control.

Be kind but firm, and when she starts to behave better, pretend she never acted an arse and let it go.

"when she starts to behave better, pretend she never acted an arse and let it go"

is brilliant advice! on how to handle the situation of a p-ssed off Mother.
If she's anything like a number that are discussed here, you Cannot Appease Her unless you follow her directives.

Any departure from that usually brings anything from 'poor me, if you loved me (because as you say, if your perception is correct it's not really about your Dad. It's about her) you'd come' to passive aggressive losing status /your demotion to bad daughter etc.

I'm seeing this through my own lens though, just as other posters are...It seems still though to depend on how much you can cope with turning the other cheek /going along with things Vs standing your ground & putting yourself first I think?

I'd recommend reading on co dependency if you've not already to investigate how & why you've got caught up in the relationship?

I'm not finding fault by the way- you have my sympathies.

My Mum is also an emotional terrorist Good luck finding a way through.

If both of my parents wanted me to go, I would go. At his ahw, your dad might not make it to next Christmas with or without covid. If he wants you there, go.

*age!

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but can you not just be extra careful beforehand?

@naomi81

It's so hard, in a way I wish the government would just cancel families getting together at Christmas as save us from the anxiety of meeting up with older relatives, I would feel awful if I gave an elderly relative covid 🤷‍♀️

Thank goodness we're not yet at that level of government tyranny just to save us from the rigors of adult decision making and personal agency. . .

I get where you are coming from. We are letting relatives decide if they want to see us, leaving it in their court. However I would feel very guilty if I/kids did make them ill which is weighing on my mind a bit. We are planning on isolating as much as possible before any visits though, seems just good sense!

This bit though makes no sense to me?

Plus my mother wouldn't shield for the two weeks beforehand if we asked them to- because she will do things like just nip to the shops, or whatever, and say it didn't count because she ran out of lettuce or something.

If its concern for your dad then I don't really see what your mum going out has to do with anything, as if she wants to do that, she will do it anyway if that makes sense? The risk he is in from her, will be there whether you are there or not. So I don't see where your mother refusing to isolate would cause issues. Obviously you isolating beforehand will make it safer for him, and as I said its our plan too, but if you isolate you are less risk, but your mother will be the same risk to him regardless..unless she wouldn't go to the shop unless you were coming? Might be missing something though..and hope I am explaining that right too

Its so tough for people to decide what to do this year. It does seem crazy to throw it all away for the sake of a few days though. Either the virus is so deadly/dangerous that we need lockdown, or its not. I cannot make any sense of 'yeah its dangerous but xmas!!!', and do wonder if the government only said this as they knew many would ignore them if they said no mixing, so best to pretend its their idea.

If you don't want to go, then just own your decision and don't go.

It seems that you want scientific reasoning and mumsnetters approval to back up your decision.

We all make our own risk assessments and have to accept them. My (very) elderly parents made their own choice to live 'as normally' as possible during this whole time. We will meet up for Christmas as we have most weeks.

I'd go. Your Dad sounds frail, and if it could be his last Christmas, I'd 100% want to be there with my parents. My mum had a stroke and my dad was her carer - it was so hard, draining and tiring both physically and emotionally. I'm sure they can assess their own risks. And asthma isn't a huge risk.

Asthma doesn’t make it more likely to get Covid - if your asthma is severe enough to require biologics and you are unlucky enough to get it then you may be sicker .

Thanks @Ragwort and others, but I actually already made the decision as outlined in the op. So it was more a question of how to manage my mother. This seems to be a common issue as so many people are choosing to stay safe this year against the wishes of older parents who are set in their ways. There are lots of other threads discussing this.

I'm not sure how you can "manage" your DM, she is a grown woman with her own views and opinions. (I am probably nearer your DM's age than your's and I wouldn't want anyone to "manage" me.)

Maybe you need to be clear and say something like "I am not prepared to visit you over Christmas, it is clearly against all the rules and I would never forgive myself if I passed Covid onto Dad who is so vulnerable. Let's hope the vaccine works and we can all get together as soon as possible next year".

Then change the subject and don't allow yourself to feel guilty or anxious over this.

Actually, just re-read your OP and you say she is not responding to your messages .... maybe the situation has resolved itself . You just have to accept that she is not happy with your decision, but she's not likely to hold a grudge for ever.

I don't think you can 'manage' her really. If you don't want to go, just say so. She will be angry especially if she is, as you say, a narcissist as they don't tend to like the word no, but its your decision. And an entirely sensible one really. I understand those planningon seeing older family members, and I understand those who would rather wait too. I don't really see any wrong decisions in this tbh, entirely depends on the family involved. Unless anyone is planning a family rave with 100 people or something, that would be a wrong decision!

Actually, just re-read your OP and you say she is not responding to your messages .... maybe the situation has resolved itself

Well yes, I would take 'the silent treatment' as she has accepted shes not getting her own way, so is sulking.

Update. Since the official Tier Announcement today. My mother has texted me and DSis (after days of not speaking to us) saying: 'Hurray! Christmas is saved! Now we all know we are in Tier 2! I propose you come and visit me on separate days and do as you please the other days. I will make lunch and I will even open a window! Please confirm dietary requirements as a matter of URGENCY so I know what to cook."

No mention of my DF. No mention of my DH's family or of DSis's DC.

Thing is I kind of agree with your mum. This has gone on way too long and it’s not fair. My parents are In their 70s and vulnerable. I will be going to their houses and sitting on their drive or garden for Christmas. The thought of not seeing my parents till next year would kill me.