Anyone else really hate their husband?

[Miserablystuck]

Been with DH for 18 years, married for 12 and have three DC and am so deeply unhappy but it’s my fault apparently. I don’t know where to begin, DH and I married young - started out as friends and married impulsively.
We never had great sex or intimacy but at the time we were both building careers that it didn’t matter and we had shared interests so were happy enough.

He is very career driven and if he isn’t working was always with friends which was fine pre-DC.
Fast forward and we had DC and he was an absolutely shocking parent. Useless and never helped. Has never cooked not one meal ever or done any domestic help at all ever. I will never forget cooking dinner for us all holding a two day old baby while he sat on the internet watching me struggle. I became more focussed on DC and no longer had career but a job. Well we couldn’t both have careers anymore when all the housework and childcare fell on me. And all I ever heard from him was how I don’t work like he does, I don’t know how hard it is for him blah blah blah. I show him no sympathy for how tough his life is. I spent years with 3 children under 5 working FT and doing all house stuff and dealing with his man baby ness. I had some idea.
We didn’t have sex after DC3 for 3 years. His selfishness and absolute lack of regard for me and the children was horrible. He spent most of their early years playing sports and going to the pub with mates. He even missed DC2 3rd birthday party because he “forgot” and went to the pub after football.

I couldn’t stand him by then.

He offers no physical support and zero emotional support too. His idea of affection is revolting. He makes pervy comments all the time. That’s his idea of compliments. I can write an endless list but one moment sums him up perfectly- DC1 had stomach flu last year and I was cleaning puke up off the floor whilst also feeling sick myself and he comes up behind and says I like what I see just waiting for me to do you up the bum were you. It’s disgusting every day. I am dressed and wearing normal ankle boots and all he will have to say is you’d look better just in the boots. I go nuts and he makes me feel bad that I can’t take a compliment - that I’m frigid and I’m a prude.

We fight every day about his revolting comments and he says it’s banter and I can’t take a joke anymore. This isn’t normal is it? This isn’t banter.
He comment all the time about how I earn less than him and how he provide for us and does everything for us all the time. We fight over this too.

He has become a bit more helpful with DC now they are older and drops one of them to school every day but all I hear all the time is how he does the school run and how he’s the only wonderful dad who does.
I just hate him. I hate everything about him.
Is there any return from this point?

What are the ‘cultural’ reasons that keep you in such a toxic relationship - both for you and your children? Is this the sort of relationship goal you want your children to aspire to? It’s their normal....

Stop being a martyr for your culture. Any culture which expects women to stay in toxic, abusive marriages can fuck right off.

@itsgoodtobehome

Why did you have 3 children with this man? Surely the signs were there after the first?

My sentiments exactly.
It's a valid question...an observation...and time and time again we see threads like this and I wonder why the OP had a 2nd, 3rd and 4th child with such a useless man.

We can't turn back the clock...but understanding why poor decisions were made in the past, is helpful for the future....otherwise another load of poor choices are made.

Ignore the judgements above, OP. Only you walk in your shoes.
I understand the financial concern completely. I hope you find a way forward that addresses your needs and concerns.

Fucking hell I'd have left years ago he sounds disgusting

You think he’s going to change.....after 18 long years filled with misery- I mean really? What you’ve got is what you’re going to get for as long as he lives! That is unless you get out. Either resign yourself to more years of this hell, or ask yourself do I want/deserve more. More respect, more fun, more equality and lots more love.

No, there is no return. You need to leave him if you want to be happy.

You mention cultural reasons. Is there any sort of support network for separated or divorced women in your situation?

Perhaps a phone line offering advice? A community project?
Do you have any women friends who have suffered similar and got away. Any one that you know or have heard about. A cousin, an aunty you can talk to.
Perhaps there is a poster in a local coffee shop or in your Doctors Surgery giving anonymous support.
Can you think about trying this?

He sounds absolutely vile. You know what you've got to do OP, you deserve so much better

Gosh please leave this is your life you only get one! Do you really want to go to the grave miserable ? Your kids will 100% be picking up on this too wether you realise it or not and if you want some hard truth when your kids are adults they won’t respect you for putting up with such a waste of space , my friend once told me she didn’t respect her mum because she new her dad was an arse and put up with it. Leave Him , you’ll be entitled to maintenance and no culture is worth misery

Ew. Leave for sure.

Imagine thinking its a good idea/fine/desirable (delete as needed) to have someone 'joke' about shagging you in the arse, while you are feeling ill and also currently cleaning up sick. Wat the fuck is wrong with this man..

Sounds similar to the 11 year old lads I went to school with, not a fully grown man.

Will never understand how some men seem to think going on and on, whining, sulking, making sleazy comments or constant random groping and such, is likely to get their partner in the mood for sex Its surely the total opposite in most cases..certainly not sexy in the slightest to have your partner going on like that constantly.

I am worried OP has gone quiet.
Are you ok?

You're wired differently.

For you, sexual attraction includes attraction to personality and behaviour. His initial shitty behaviour was a turn-off, there wasn't any communication about this from either of you, and as such, every subsequence advance has made you retreat further and further to the point where he's been getting more frustrated and you've been feeling even more repulsed.

The trouble is, when in this situation, most men can't understand that they need to treat you better in order to get more sex, and it's a long process. You would need him to step up as a father and to be nice to you without expecting anything physical in exchange, and because he's been so useless, it would take him a very long time to learn how to be a decent parent and partner. That length of time may be unacceptable to him. You might not even be attracted to him by the end of it, because the damage might have already been done for you.

So... it's not impossible to find a way back. It's just very unlikely.

It's not uncommon to fall for someone based on their personality. When they stop making you laugh, when they stop doing little nice things for you like bringing you cups of tea, when they actively start making your life harder... then the only thing left is looks, and a large proportion of the general population are average at best.

If you observe the old, happily married couples in their 90s, the thing that keeps them together is the sense of companionship and support. That comes down to personality/behaviour, rather than looks. Looks bring people together, but behaviour is what keeps them together. A lot of men don't seem to get this. The old saying of 'a woman wants a man who can make her laugh' has a lot of truth in it - as long as she keeps laughing, she's happy. People want to be happy, and when you're really happy, you see things as being better than they really are.

Clearly a lot of men think they're God's gift to women and can get by on their dazzling looks alone and don't have to work at staying attractive by treating their partners with respect...

It's a long road back. I know there are reasons why you don't want to leave, but you have to consider whether you think you're both capable of taking that road back, on top of whether you actually want to try. You might not want to be married to him right now, let alone sleep with him. But do you want to want to be married to him and to want to sleep with him? That's the commitment being asked of you right now. If you want to want, perhaps you can agree to counselling. If you want to run away and not look back, you know what you have to do.

Why did you marry him? I dated my husband for 4 years before I decided I wanted to be with him permanently.

Of course you can leave him. Time to put on your big girl pants and ask for legal advice. Financially you'll be helped (maintenance), as for culturally, you, they, will get over it.

He sounds utterly disgusting. He won’t change and I think you know this. It’s not like he’s suddenly going to start respecting you when he’s quite clearly such an unpleasant person.
Agree with PPs saying think about what your kids are learning from your relationship - they will think this is normal and acceptable because they have seen you put up with it.
A while ago I read a post on here in which the poster wrote a warning based on an elderly relative who had a marriage like this and had stayed and ended up as a carer for her awful husband, and couldn’t leave because he was ill and also because her life had passed her by and she felt like she was now too old to start again. It was heartbreaking and chilling. Please don’t let this be you as well, you only have one life.

He's a piece of shit.

You get one life - just ONE. Then you're dead and it's all over.

What is really more important?!

Your kids will grow up and go off to have their own lives.

Then you'll be left staring at this revolting toad.

LEAVE!!!!!

Oh and think this through - right now, you leave and you will have much, much more leverage over assets/house etc while your children are small. And you literally won't be losing ANYTHING because he does NOTHING.

If you already work full time, and there will be maintenance from him, there is literally nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Stop taking on all the domestic work. Get your job back. Pay for more childcare, a cleaner, order in ready meals. Spend as much time with your friends as he does with his.

If you want to be equal, act equal. It benefits him to have you skivvy around at home, he's never going to have a moment of clarity where he suddenly gives you permission to be anything other than that. Stop waiting for permission. Live your life.

Fucking hell @rainkeepsfallingdown

For you, sexual attraction includes attraction to personality and behaviour.

No, for everyone in the world who is a decent human being, actually. Stop and bloody THINK that sentence through. Yes, to feel sexually attracted to someone, a normal bloody decent person usually requires their behaviour to be attractive. For them to be NICE. You think that's something specific to OP or even optional? If so - you sound just as bloody sociopathic as this shitbag of a man.

Actually, scrap the above. The rest of your extremely odd post just confirms it. The trouble is, when in this situation, most men can't understand that they need to treat you better in order to get more sex, and it's a long process. WTF. That's bloody chilling.

I'm so sorry hon but there's no coming back from this. Too many years, too much has happened and it doesn't sound like a stable relationship to begin with. You can leave, the question is will you choose to. You'll only be happy if you ditch the anchor and go it alone. Or you can stay and be miserable, it's your choice. Image life when the kids move out. Good luck xx

No, basically.

He's been a useless dad and partner.

I hate him too.

I don't know about most men YoniAndGuy but certainly some men. My DH thinks that, he once told me he'd be nice to me once he gets more sex and on another occasion that he'd help more with the boys at night if I made it worth his while. Needless to say those comments were a complete turn off and didnt have the desired effect.

OP I hope you're OK.

If you live in the UK you don't need permission from him or your culture to start divorce proceedings. You're an adult, with responsibilities towards your kids. He is legally obliged to support his kids financially. You might think 'ill look bad if I leave him' but in truth nobody cares that much. And they aren't living your life anyway.