Anyone else really hate their husband?

[Miserablystuck]

Been with DH for 18 years, married for 12 and have three DC and am so deeply unhappy but it’s my fault apparently. I don’t know where to begin, DH and I married young - started out as friends and married impulsively.
We never had great sex or intimacy but at the time we were both building careers that it didn’t matter and we had shared interests so were happy enough.

He is very career driven and if he isn’t working was always with friends which was fine pre-DC.
Fast forward and we had DC and he was an absolutely shocking parent. Useless and never helped. Has never cooked not one meal ever or done any domestic help at all ever. I will never forget cooking dinner for us all holding a two day old baby while he sat on the internet watching me struggle. I became more focussed on DC and no longer had career but a job. Well we couldn’t both have careers anymore when all the housework and childcare fell on me. And all I ever heard from him was how I don’t work like he does, I don’t know how hard it is for him blah blah blah. I show him no sympathy for how tough his life is. I spent years with 3 children under 5 working FT and doing all house stuff and dealing with his man baby ness. I had some idea.
We didn’t have sex after DC3 for 3 years. His selfishness and absolute lack of regard for me and the children was horrible. He spent most of their early years playing sports and going to the pub with mates. He even missed DC2 3rd birthday party because he “forgot” and went to the pub after football.

I couldn’t stand him by then.

He offers no physical support and zero emotional support too. His idea of affection is revolting. He makes pervy comments all the time. That’s his idea of compliments. I can write an endless list but one moment sums him up perfectly- DC1 had stomach flu last year and I was cleaning puke up off the floor whilst also feeling sick myself and he comes up behind and says I like what I see just waiting for me to do you up the bum were you. It’s disgusting every day. I am dressed and wearing normal ankle boots and all he will have to say is you’d look better just in the boots. I go nuts and he makes me feel bad that I can’t take a compliment - that I’m frigid and I’m a prude.

We fight every day about his revolting comments and he says it’s banter and I can’t take a joke anymore. This isn’t normal is it? This isn’t banter.
He comment all the time about how I earn less than him and how he provide for us and does everything for us all the time. We fight over this too.

He has become a bit more helpful with DC now they are older and drops one of them to school every day but all I hear all the time is how he does the school run and how he’s the only wonderful dad who does.
I just hate him. I hate everything about him.
Is there any return from this point?

God, he sounds vile. You really are better off out of it.
I lost all respect for my ex but stayed and muddled along "for the sake of the children" and because I thought I'd have to live in a shoebox.

Eventually summoned the courage to leave and I've never been happier. Yes, it's hard adapting to such a huge change but it is doable. Ex and I are on much better terms now we live apart. I'm not living in a shoebox either!

Please get some help. Relate will help you to navigate out of this relationship with the least upset to the children.

You are the only person stopping yourself from living with this disgusting man. I know that sounds harsh but who else is stopping you? You have to be strong, get advice from a solicitor and act on it. He's appalling.

What would be so bad that could happen culturally if you leave? Sorry if that is a dumb question, am imagining it may be a religious thing? Would you be disowned by your own family?

My marriage was similar to this and although it was incredibly hard to end it, I did the right thing. My children were suffering because I was suffering because of their dad. You can do better x

If you don't want to leave because of cultural or financial reasons then that is valid too, but please don't think that you can't leave him.

If leaving is not something you feel prepared to do, then I'd go for a complete change of perspective. Don't waste time hating him: let his comments and opinions wash over you and consider him more like an disgusting house mate. Would you care if he had an affair - it might make your life easier! Focus on finding things to do that bring you joy and keep those at the forefront of your mind.

Someone I know never felt prepared to leave but just festered with resentment whilst staying. It was the worst of both worlds for her and seemed such a shame. She could have got on with enjoying many aspects of life whilst tolerating him in the background but unfortunately her hatred of him because the focus. She had utter contempt for him, which was understandable, but it used a lot of emotional energy whereas indifference would have been more freeing. I'm not advocating staying with him btw, just recognising that many women choose to and would benefit from better ways of coping with life with these sort of men.

In conclusion, leave or totally reframe things. Any middle ground will just shoot yourself in the foot.

@Miserablystuck, I suspect I could have written your post a few years back. I’m still married but that’s NOT what I would advise anyone to do.

Seriously, the more you stay, the harder it is to leave because the whole set up is destroying your self esteem. As times goes, your financial independence is eroded because you either go for jobs that are easier/don’t get promoted/go part time to be able to cope.

Do people change? Mine DH did to a certain extend but we had very specific circumstances that don’t reflect your situation. I did too, starting by making myself ill (stress can be a massive trigger for many conditions).
Was the right thing to do? No I don’t think so. I’ve spent too many years feeling angry and fearful because of that relationship. This meant I didn’t actually really enjoy my dcs childhood either. Looking back, I don’t think it was worth it.
Plus, the dcs have learnt some unhelpful behaviour along the way, including doing everything possible to appease...

You only have one life, OP.

Do you think this is a good model of a relationship to give your children? If they ended up in similarly unhappy bitter marriages, would you want them to stick it out no matter what?

Your culture may disapprove but unless people of your generation start going against those cultural norms, it'll be the same shit for your children and grandchildren.

Life is both too short and too long to live like this.

Btw I agree with @TenShortStories.
The only thing that made things easier is to detach and stop hoping for the perfect family and for DH to step up.
Once I stopped expecting anything from him, I wasn’t disappointed anymore.

@Sarahlou63

No. See a solicitor ASAP.

This totally.

I could've written almost all of your text with the exception that my dh is quite an involved and good dad, but everything else you said resonates. I also haven't left (yet) for reasons that are quite complex. I don't know how to advice you. My dh has suggested couples counselling as a last resort and I've said I'll go if he books it. He watches videos on YouTube about why is my partner so distant and cold, but won't listen to the actual reasons why I'm like this when I tell him. He's an idiot really, but such a good dad that I feel obliged to try.

Yea !!!! I was you. I loathed him. I had to be drunk to have sex with him and I only did that to make the atmosphere at home better.
He was useless. Didnt work, was hopeless with the children and eventually just sat around smoking weed all day while I worked full time and did everything with the kids.
I used to hate going home, I dreaded putting my key in the door.
The final straw was my dd1 being seriously ill and rushed to Great ormond street hospital. She stayed there 2 months and he didn't visit once.

I was done.

I never ever thought I would do it, but I detached completely, told him to leave and stuck with it. We were together from 17 so I never thought I could do it but i did. Even when he begged, was abusive, tried to blackmail me etc.
IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID.
You can do it !
It was so hard at first but omg my life is so so different now.
I've met someone else, but most of all I'm free, and its glorious.

You get one life and I wasted so, so much of mine. Do it !

@itsgoodtobehome
Why did you have 3 children with this man? Surely the signs were there after the first?

Why did you reply this? Surely you know it’s not helpful or supportive.

OP - explain why you can’t leave in more detail. There are some really helpful people on here. It sounds grim.

You can. You just aren't willing to, yet. I lived within 'cant' 'could never' I get it, you really believe it and its hard to get out of that mindset.

No, it will never change, why would it? He doesn't sound like he has even a shred of conscience or care with regard to your needs or feelings. There is no magic resolve.

I'd use the knowledge of experienced posters to unpick how you can get out. There are some very knowledgeable people on here willing to help.

I'm really sorry you're living through this.

I can tell you now, it won't get better, it will get worse.

I hate him for you.

You deserve better

Really time to go! See a Solicitor straight away. He sounds every kind of awful Entitled ,Sex mad .Unhelpful .Bloody hell the list is endless! What kind of life will you have when DC are no longer at home FFS! Get Out Now!!

He's an abusive fucker. That's such an upsetting op to read. They are not compliments and not jokes. It's abuse.

Get him the hell away from your poor children. They deserve better than to be damaged by being forced to live in this toxic environment. Make no mistake, this will damage them.

And you too deserve a life free from his abuse.

It's not a "miserable marriage" , it's a hideously abusive one.

There are organisations and people who can and will help you, including the police because coercive control is a crime.

But you have to ask for help.

I can’t take a compliment - that I’m frigid and I’m a prude
We fight every day about his revolting comments and he says it’s banter and I can’t take a joke

Yours sounds like mine. It’s not a compliment to be disrespectful & Jokes are supposed to be funny.
I can’t leave either, chronic illness means I can’t cope alone with DC (or earn enough to survive financially). It won’t get better.

Stop doing things for him op. No more meals with him, eat with your DC. Stop doing his laundry. These are small but significant steps you can do to help you go "grey rock".

Detach detach detach. Ignore ignore ignore. You are going to have to change your way of being with him if you don't feel you can get rid of him.

Do you think he is dangerous? Find out from Women's aid how to cope with the day to day.

Unfortunately if women put up with rubbish in this generation and don't make a stand then all it does is transfer to the next generation.

It took guts for women to get the vote, to get rights. Why shouldn't women be treated respectfully and well?

If you have a son or a daughter they need to have a good role model of respectful behaviour from their dad or it will damaging to them.

Don't put up with it. You have the law of the land on your side op.

Leave and at once, there is help out there get ducks in a row get benefits advice if need be. 💐💐💐

You aren’t alone. I hate my husband too. I hate everything about him and especially how he treats all women and my kids. He is a dickhead. We have been married 14 years but haven’t had sex since my youngest was conceived just 7 years ago. I left him 5 years ago but him and his mum begged me to come back, give it another chance, he was going to change, but he hasn’t. I am desperate to leave but know he will paint me as the bad one, and I will need to pack up and sell the house on my own, move the kids, deal with their emotions, etc and I just don’t have time to add these things to a life where I’m working full time, running kids around, doing the shopping, cooking and housework. So I stay. And avoid him. I hate weekends and avoid going anywhere as a family. I feel sorry for not giving my kids the life I dreamed of giving them. I get more miserable every day. If you can find the courage / time to leave, please do. I am working to gain the courage too. Hugs.

Do it. Leave him. You can. You can do it. At the very least your life will be easier because a) you won’t have to clean up after him and b) he won’t perv over you anymore. Get away from this tosser. He’s vile. Give yourself the chance to be happy. What specifically is stopping you?

Anybody out there stuck like this, do it. Be brave. End it

The way out is through the door. Stop whinging and set yourself free.

I left my exH when I realised that if someone had told me I'd have been waking up next to him in 30 years time I'd have slit my throat that night.

You hate him. You need to leave.

You're willing to put your children through a toxic atmosphere for the sake of culture and money? Just wow.