Hi all,
It's my first time posting here, sorry for the long post. I went through a break up in the summer after three years which I can't seem to get headspace from and I'm not sure why. While he definitely wasn't perfect for a couple of years, I acted quite messily over the few months before it ended and am looking for clarity over why I might be feeling this way and also why I seem to feel such guilt over the ending of it, maybe it's insecurity, maybe it's because I'm still attached.
Start - I came out of a seven year (pretty bad) relationship. Met R online and he was very interested, more interested than I was. I enjoyed the attention and we got serious quite fast.
After six months - I felt him pull away, he went away with work and I barely heard from him. Confronted him when he came back and he admitted he wasn't interested anymore but didn't know how to tell me. A few months on from this I started seeing someone and R came back saying he had made a mistake so I went back to him.
After one year - R broke up with me pretty badly saying he had no feelings for me. A few months on I took him back again because I knew he was struggling with commitment so I made excuses for him and took him back. Then my Mum was diagnosed with cancer, R was quite good at first but when I asked him to help, come see her with me etc he pulled away massively and broke up with me, saying he didn't think he could see himself with anyone (friend later on found him on dating app the next week). This really hurt me and in the middle of looking after my Mum I couldn't believe I was then having to get over him too, we had been on and off for two years at this stage.
A few months on his sister got very unwell, she thankfully pulled through but i was there for him and he came to me saying he was finally ready, I was in the process of buying a house and I do wonder if it was the thought of living together that made him reappear (he was still living at home) and we moved into rented place together while we waited for the house to be ready. He was great during this time, he had been furloughed and I got the R I finally wanted, one showing commitment and planning a future, spent time with our families (he never introduced me to his family for those other years) but i just couldn't do it, I couldn't trust it and I couldn't commit. I acted quite all over the place and I feel I really hurt him. I now seem to have a massive amount of guilt towards him, I really upset him at the end, he had to move back in with family and I have moved into my new house, i've been thinking about emailing him to explain why I couldn't do it and that I'm very sorry but it was simply because of our history. He has sent some texts to be friends but I haven't replied yet because I want to be clear what I want