Political differences

[Silversandandsea]

How do you manage your relationship when you have completely different political views?
My marriage is already under strain for various reasons ( some of which I have posted in here on the past).
Basically, I'm to the left, he's to the right.
I feel very passionate about various causes and do voluntary work for a particular charity.
Items come up on the news and we usually disagree about everything!
Here are some examples:
Marcus Rashford's school lunch vouchers campaign - the things my husband said about this!
We had a massive row as I couldn't stand his comments!
"He should get back to football/ the news is too emotional" and more... even worse comments!!
He is now reading some ridiculous book full of right wing rubbish questioning race, gender and feminism issues.
But more to the point, he knows how I feel and what I think and he loves to argue and go on and on and make a point.
He has no empathy and is so clever in his arguing and always seems to outwit me and leave me floundering.
He seems to have got worse lately.
He also thinks no need for lockdown!
Some people say, "oh don't argue over politics" but this goes much deeper that that for me.
Can anyone share their own experience in regards to this?
Thanks

Interesting original question OP. I had a relationship with someone with extremely strong political opinions, who thought it essential that I agreed with him on absolutely everything, and if I didn't he'd say it was a sign of our basic incompatibility and we should split up.

He didn't like his views being challenged, and when he was challenged to back up opinions or sentiment with facts on some issues, he struggled. I pointed that out and he didn't like that either, but took it on board. But he did know a huge amount about certain issues and we did learn a lot from each other, I think.

Just because you disagree with people about something doesn't mean you can't get on with them. Maybe ask your DH why he thinks the way he does.

He sounds like a bully with a lack of empathy for others. He shouts and swears and has a temper. You're well within your rights to not want to be with someone like that. I don't think it's politics specifically, he just doesn't sound like a very nice, kind person.

Sorry your husband is a bigot. Political and social issues are really important to me. So unless my dh had a breakdown I wouldn't suddenly find myself married to a right wing idiot. I'm wondering how this happened for you? Did he develop these views over time?

As pp's have said it's not politics it's everything. I'm not sure how you can continue to be together. Sorry

He says he's not racist, well he would, wouldn't he? You say he said a lot worse re rashford, such as?
I'm wondering if your protecting him re his racism. I could be well wide of the mark though
I have no time for people with no empathy. They make the world a much worse place to live in

I'd find it very hard to be in a relationship with someone with opposing political views. Many people have not interest in politics, but I do.

I could have written your post word for word @Silversandandsea It's like you've been in my house!!
Ever since we voted opposite ways in the EU ref (I'm Remain, he's Leave) it has been just painful. Not particularly that we voted opposite ways, it's the fact he has not stopped going on about Brexit and how great it will be, and making snide comments at 'elite remoaners' even though he knows how upset I am. Ffs, I'm in no way elite, I'm a council house kid from Sunderland! He is obsessed with politics, and our evenings consist of him watching C4 News, then Spectator TV with Andrew Neil, then whatever else right-wing leaning politics programmes he can find, til it's time for Newsnight, and then his recording of Daily Politics. I just go out of the way and do something with the kids. And if I ever react to show my annoyance at this, I'm the one who ends up in the bad books. I've even got a Brexit Party placard signed by Ann Widdecombe on top of my wardrobe ffs, but I try to keep the peace and not say anything. But like you, OP, I literally cannot argue, I don't know how to get my side across, and end up 'losing' the discussion. He knows I'm unhappy generally, but it doesn't occur to him this pushes me further away. I've told him I'm sick of it, the kids are sick of it on telly all the time, but he doesn't seem to learn!!! And then the next morning, he'll be all cheery "good morning!" and if I don't respond the same way, again I'm the one in the wrong. Eggshells. All the time. I'm drained.
Don't get me started on those he loves - Farage, Johnson, Patel, Rees-Mogg, Shapiro, Peterson......
To me, this is enough reason to want out, but I know he would see it as an enormous overreaction. So I just feel gorund down and stuck. I really sympathise with you x

Me and DH disagree about politics sometimes but when we argue we do it to get to the bottom of what the other person thinks and why. There's no banging on and on or goading, because we like each either and don't want to actually fall out or get one over on the other person.

I must say I find it difficult to take seriously people who think it's possible to detach emotion from politics. We're humans, not robots, there's nothing wrong with having an emotional response to things like kids without enough to eat in the holidays. And when you dig down most people start with an emotional response then construct a logical argument to support it.

In the case of free school meals I bet his first response was a very huffy "why should I pay for other people's kids" and then he's constructed a bog standard libertarian argument about personal responsibility to back it up. Which is fine in and of itself - I don't agree but it's a position people legitimately hold. But it's no more valuable as an opinion than the idea that sometimes it's ok for governments to step in when people are struggling, which it is also possible to make a solid argument for. It sounds like your husband thinks he's cleverer than you and so it's ok to talk to you the way he does, but from what you've said I really don't think he is (not that it would be justified even if he was).

It's good he is anti-BBC then as they have often been accused of racism.

I don't think the differences you have are solely political.

I feel your pain, my own family have become extremely right wing over the past year or so, often bordering if not outright racist at times imo. We’ve had countless discussions, but they swallow all kinds of right wing propaganda they see on facebook and YouTube, no matter how many times you disprove what they’re saying it doesn’t matter. They just want to see information that suits their narrative and the more they see the more strongly held their views become.

I think ultimately they are nice people, they have empathy, they care about people, but they are just naive and ignorant and have fallen victim to extreme right wing propaganda. Anything they see that fits their view they believe no matter how dubious the source, anything that doesn’t, no matter how reliable the source, they refuse to accept. My father is the worst, he spends hours watching the likes of Ben Shapiro on YouTube, then decides “sexism and racism don’t exist any more, women and black people actually have it better than anyone else, they’re just lazy and don’t want to work as hard as white men always have.”

It’s so sad, I love him very much, but I’m so worried about how extreme his views have become over such a short space of time, he’s even convincing my mum to think the same as him, I just worry what they’ll be thinking in another year’s time.

I couldn’t stay married to someone like your husband.

Oh god @Elsiebear90 Why on earth do some people enjoy watching Ben Shapiro? It's like nails down a blackboard! What an awful angry little shit. (Sorry, I don't normally swear, but he is awful.)

@WakingUp55643 I have no idea, he watches other extreme right wingers too, I forget their names now, but from what I saw they’re even worse. He never used to be like this, he was always very liberal, he got made redundant this year, had some problems with anxiety and depression and he’s got lost down a rabbit hole of radical US conservatism. According to him climate change is a hoax, BLM are terrorists, Trump is a God and racism and sexism don’t exist in the West any more.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-8886163/ANDREW-PIERCE-darkly-ironic-free-school-meals-TORY-idea-shot-Left.html#commentss_

"Who dismissed a ground-breaking report on a new initiative to extend free school meals to Britain's neediest children, saying it was greeted with 'at best eye-rolling and at worst exasperation'?
Some hard-hearted member of the Tory Partyy* for whom those living in poverty have only themselves to blame?

A diehard critic of the welfare state entirely lacking in compassion?

On the contrary, those words were written by a respected critic on the Left-leaning paper, The Observer. Possibly he was unable to stomach the fact that the author of the report, Henry Dimbleby, happened to be a privileged Old Etonian, Leave campaigner and close friend of senior Tory politicians.

Potentially, it blinded him and other paid-up members of the liberal commentariat to the content."

^ I know it's the DM, but still...

Dh & I have very different views. Only in the last year or 2 have I acquired/developed the skill of being able to discuss subjects without getting too emotional & shelve conversations (esp when drinking), that aren't going to go well.

He is pretty unwavering in his beliefs. I'm always open to being convinced otherwise but ultimately don't really get swayed.

We work fine when everything is happy but I do know that if things were tense, one of his winding up comments where he sounds like his dad could really push my buttons.

I couldn’t be with somebody like this. My marriage has its issues but fundamentally we agree on basic moral choices and we are on the same side in things like Brexit, Trump and religion. I couldn’t be with somebody like your husband

I can’t understand people who say don’t argue over politics. It’s who you are as a person and it affects every aspect of our lives. I couldn’t live with someone who had a fundamentally different view of the world. As he’s a reader perhaps you could buy him a few books that might broaden his mind rather than reinforce the views he already holds.

An easy two-liner - get rid. He sounds an utter bully, which is what these right wingers usually are. I don't put up with it from partners or family.

Life together with someone should be enriching or whats the point! Treding around on eggshells would be no life for me.
Where's the pleasure in your life saddled with dinosaur.

But right and left always overlap to a certain extent ? Nothing is as black and white as you make out ?

And politics moves all the time .

I would have thought that you would realise from threads on here that views vary all the time .

Not all conservatives are posh schoolboys and not all Labour are like Jeremy Corbyn .

It’s sounds more like how you deal with your opposing views .

I used to have some humdinger debates with my FIL and sometimes I used to wind him up because he annoyed me so much and make him look at alternative views even though I did not agree with them myself . But we just used to agree to disagree in the end .

I think the media is the pits at the moment so full of opinions and not neutral and it drives me mad . So I try and avoid it tbh .

But you both have to find some way to handle this or it does sound like your marriage is at risk .

You see you are all just blaming him for being right wing ? Not about the way he argues or refuses to listen to anyone else ? You are missing the point .

There are plenty of left wingers who won’t listen or meet in the middle either .

This is not about his opinions ( we Are all entitled to those ) it’s how you handle the differences .

You are only getting one side of the story here .

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes you said what I was trying to say in less words .

“ He sounds like a bully with a lack of empathy for others. He shouts and swears and has a temper. You're well within your rights to not want to be with someone like that. I don't think it's politics specifically, he just doesn't sound like a very nice, kind person.”

There are people like this from all political parties .

Usually, I would say agree to disagree. I have plenty of nice, empathetic right wing friends. He sounds like a tit though, and I reckon it’s much harder to be in a relationship with someone who disagrees with you on so much.

@Silversandandsea

Actually i find this statement of yours quite telling . Do you think only those with left wing views do volunteer work or donate to charities or have empathy with others?

“ Basically, I'm to the left, he's to the right.
I feel very passionate about various causes and do voluntary work for a particular charity.”

Because that’s not true at all . If your husband is just a nasty selfish person , I think you using his political views is just a smokescreen

@TheMarzipanDildo

Usually, I would say agree to disagree. I have plenty of nice, empathetic right wing friends. He sounds like a tit though, and I reckon it’s much harder to be in a relationship with someone who disagrees with you on so much.

I'm struggling to imagine a nice empathetic right winger? Like how does that work?!

Well, I agree with most of what your husband says, but it certainly doesn't make me unempathetic or someone who doesn't give to charity/volunteer etc - such a ridiculous, discriminating thing to say.