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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Political differences

62 replies

Silversandandsea · 24/11/2020 00:02

How do you manage your relationship when you have completely different political views?
My marriage is already under strain for various reasons ( some of which I have posted in here on the past).
Basically, I'm to the left, he's to the right.
I feel very passionate about various causes and do voluntary work for a particular charity.
Items come up on the news and we usually disagree about everything!
Here are some examples:
Marcus Rashford's school lunch vouchers campaign - the things my husband said about this!
We had a massive row as I couldn't stand his comments!
"He should get back to football/ the news is too emotional" and more... even worse comments!!
He is now reading some ridiculous book full of right wing rubbish questioning race, gender and feminism issues.
But more to the point, he knows how I feel and what I think and he loves to argue and go on and on and make a point.
He has no empathy and is so clever in his arguing and always seems to outwit me and leave me floundering.
He seems to have got worse lately.
He also thinks no need for lockdown!
Some people say, "oh don't argue over politics" but this goes much deeper that that for me.
Can anyone share their own experience in regards to this?
Thanks

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtains · 24/11/2020 00:09

Well it's not just politics, is it? It's everything.

It's your opinions, your communication styles, your beliefs, your conversation styles ... It sounds exhausting and tedious.

june2007 · 24/11/2020 00:21

Sounds like you both take the bite. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. You must have had enough in common to marry? Concentrate on that. The lock down thing. i was in favour but Leicester seems to have been in lockdown forever and tbh if it worked why for soo long?

24hrpantypeople · 24/11/2020 00:40

I wouldn't be with someone with wildly different political views to me, it's too important to me. Someone's opinions and political offiliations says a huge amount about a person and their character/values.

AnnaFiveTowns · 24/11/2020 01:06

But politics are not some abstract concept separate from life; the fact that you disagree so fundamentally shows that you have different values as people and that you are not compatible. You can have slight differences of opinion on politics but yours sounds more extreme than that. I would not want share my life with somebody who did not share my values.

AnnaFiveTowns · 24/11/2020 01:10

Also, "He has no empathy"; how could you stay with such a man?

Ginandplatonic · 24/11/2020 01:12

Agree with pps - you sound fundamentally incompatible, and like you don’t like him very much. I’m not sure tips on how to manage opposing political views can salvage this situation.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 24/11/2020 07:33

But political leanings just align with our core beliefs, and if a couple don't share similar political views the relationship has rather shaky foundations IMO. It takes 2 to argue, so either continue to "fight your corner" or don't engage with him at all as it sounds as though he's made his mind up. If he's lacking empathy you're on a hiding to nothing anyway.

user1493413286 · 24/11/2020 07:38

Me and DH are like this; we quite like having a bit of a debate about things. I would say though that DH is willing to listen to my point of view although it rarely changes his. We stop the debates before they get too heated. I’ve read the other posts and for me and DH I don’t agree that we have opposing values and are incompatible; we have the same values when it comes to family life and in how we treat each other. Our values are mainly different in terms of how much responsibility the government should have in our lives.

9millioncansofbeans · 24/11/2020 07:39

My marriage was like this. I found myself feeling disempowered, lost, oppressed as everything we disagreed on he would outwit me and seem to revel in it. It spilled into other areas too, like home decor. I got the point I felt like I was living in his life and I had no say at all.

We separated. I miss him and parts of our marriage and we get on much better now. Sometimes I think we could get back together but then I remember how I felt inside it. I’ve grown now and I definitely wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone again who had such different core beliefs.

whatswithtodaytoday · 24/11/2020 07:44

I couldn't be with someone with wildly different political beliefs to me. And it sounds like this goes far deeper than politics - is his entire world view.

Was he like this when you married? Did you know him for long beforehand?

My partner and I are both interested in politics. Often vote for different parties in local elections, though usually the same in general elections. But we both lean the same way and have the same basic beliefs.

LizzieSiddal · 24/11/2020 07:47

Like others here I couldn’t be with someone who lacked empathy for others situations. I’ve found it hard to be friends with people who have usually, such right wing views, never mind a husband!

Im afraid the relationship would be over.

Isitsixoclockalready · 24/11/2020 08:03

Politics is not the be all and end all in a relationship but he is clearly aware of your sensibilities and presumably vice versa so if he is ‘pushing the envelope’ so-to-speak in order to get a rise out of you then that doesn’t bode very well. People with different political views can easily not let it affect their relationship but if things are already a bit strained then it’s only going to be another potential fracture.

24hrpantypeople · 24/11/2020 08:16

@user1493413286

Me and DH are like this; we quite like having a bit of a debate about things. I would say though that DH is willing to listen to my point of view although it rarely changes his. We stop the debates before they get too heated. I’ve read the other posts and for me and DH I don’t agree that we have opposing values and are incompatible; we have the same values when it comes to family life and in how we treat each other. Our values are mainly different in terms of how much responsibility the government should have in our lives.
Isn't the role of government pretty fundamental to your views on society, fairness etc? I'm assuming that you have differing views on the welfare system for example? That gives pretty huge clues on how we all feel people should be treated I think.

My partner's values define whether I feel he is a good person and someone I can share my life with and he feels the same.

I have friends with different political views, friends who aren't political and those who I'm very aligned with. That's slightly different and with lots of them we don't discuss politics at all.

lollollol2020 · 24/11/2020 08:30

I could have written your post. I’ve never been left as it were but husband has definitely moved way over to the right. I have found it has got a lot worse during lockdown. His brother suggested that during lockdown he’s not had the usual societal feedback you get from interacting with others and I think there is truth in that. It is very easy to find people who agree with your narrative on Twitter. I have had to ask him to not talk about certain things (and stop waving his arms) as I will not engage. We are in effect agreeing to disagree. Ie I think he’s a delusional conspiracy theorist and he thinks I’m a witless drone. End of lockdown cannot come soon enough.

stampsurprise · 24/11/2020 09:34

"the news is too emotional" and more... even worse comments!!

Was this one of his comments? That doesn't sound unfeeling to me? I find the news terribly distressing myself.

Thirtyrock39 · 24/11/2020 09:42

Me and dh have opposite political views in terms of who we vote for but actually very similar values, both work in public sector ...there are certain topics we have to avoid as it causes huge rows such as the miners strike, and we had a big row about cape fruit watching the apartheid episode of the crown !! But it's often quite refreshing to get a different view point. I think we both find each other's parents as they are stereotypical 'lefties' - mine are at times painfully 'woke'- and his are real true blue tories 'all lives matter' etc
But things like education, health, environment, human rights, crime, tax etc we have very similar views

Thirtyrock39 · 24/11/2020 09:43

Sorry that should say we find each other's parent's views more difficult than each other's

Hayeahnobut · 24/11/2020 09:47

But things like education, health, environment, human rights, crime, tax etc we have very similar views

How can people on opposing sides have the same views on these things? Either you're kidding yourselves or you're not really on opposite sides.

Hayeahnobut · 24/11/2020 09:49

mine are at times painfully 'woke'

Being 'woke' is not a bad thing, all it means is that you're accepting of other people who are different from your/ societal norms.

stampsurprise · 24/11/2020 09:57

My marriage is already under strain for various reasons ( some of which I have posted in here on the past).

You will need to try and weed out how much resentment about other problems in your marriage is driving this. Perhaps you are both subconsciously choosing the arena of politics to fight each other over deeper issues?

Basically, I'm to the left, he's to the right.

That means there is a middle in which you could both meet - IF you are BOTH willing to look at each other's points dispassionately.

Imagine if you had a teen who was taking up a contrary view to yours. Would you cut them off and argue and refuse to listen? I hope not! You would want to know more and try to understand where they were coming from. Please understand, I am not blaming you solely for this. Your DH does sound very difficult.

Marcus Rashford's school lunch vouchers campaign - the things my husband said about this!

What things?

We had a massive row as I couldn't stand his comments!

There should be debate only not a "massive row". That implies the discussions are more led by emotion.

"He should get back to football/ the news is too emotional" and more... even worse comments!!

As I commented before, "the news is too emotional" is not an unfeeling comment from him?

He is now reading some ridiculous book full of right wing rubbish questioning race, gender and feminism issues.

That sounds very dismissive. Have you actually read it? Would you like a left wing book to be described as "rubbish"? Questioning things can be a very good thing.

But more to the point, he knows how I feel and what I think and he loves to argue and go on and on and make a point.

It takes two to argue.

He has no empathy

That's a blanket statement. Any examples? Did he have empathy when you married him?
*
and is so clever in his arguing and always seems to outwit me and leave me floundering.*

Discussions shouldn't be about arguing and "winning". They should be about trying to understand the other side and find common ground. It may be a good thing to try and understand some of the right wing views as the right are currently in power. I'd want to know how that came about. If you want to resist the right, you first have to understand where they are coming from.

He seems to have got worse lately.
He also thinks no need for lockdown!

These two issues are probably linked. Cabin fever? He has a right to his view.

Some people say, "oh don't argue over politics" but this goes much deeper that that for me.

You will need to decide whether to leave him (given that you say there are other issues) or if you want to work through this try reading these:

https://www.workwisdomllc.com/blog/2018/12/1/to-understand-opposing-views-understand-valuess_

5 Keys to Stay Happily Married with Stark Opposing Views

http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=16688_

When you think about it, leaving him simply because he doesn't agree with you would be pretty hardcore and not very liberal at all - a bit "cancel culture" Wink

Silversandandsea · 24/11/2020 10:09

Thanks for all your replies.
@stampsurprise sorry if I wasn't clear...what I meant to say is he comments about the news in a negative, critical way saying it is too full of emotion and it shouldn't be. He doesn't like the BBC either.
He blames them for contributing to lockdown and says politicians respond to the media and he also thinks the same about the Marcus Rashford campaign.
He says the mps bowed to pressure. He sees that as a negative whereas I see it as a positive.
On rare occasions he can respond to a news item with tears. And he can be compassionate at times and give money to charity.
But he tends to be suspicious and cynical about situations and others whereas I'm more trusting.
He is a man who isn't really emotional at all and calls me too emotional.
Sometimes it's as though he just has to disagree with me.
I feel I'm in a power struggle. We have said no more political discussions and he often walks out now when the news is on.
I honestly thought he would agree about the school dinner campaign.
Sometimes after such a conversation he will back track and "soften" somewhat.
But he is still the same most of the time.
Like I said, we have other problems and the last few years have been particularly difficult.
He has a temper and shouts and swears about stuff.

OP posts:
stampsurprise · 24/11/2020 10:43

Thanks for all your replies.
@stampsurprise sorry if I wasn't clear...

Glad you aren't upset by my reply. Afterwards I thought I sounded bossy, but I am trying to help.

what I meant to say is he comments about the news in a negative, critical way saying it is too full of emotion and it shouldn't be.

I see what he means in a way. I am in my 50s and the news has changed A LOT. Instead of reporting news, they try and tell us what we should think about the news. I was horrified at 9/11 when they kept showing those people jumping to their deaths over and over 24/7. Graphic images of people's relatives. I'd have been traumatised as a child if I'd watched all that.

He doesn't like the BBC either.

Many many people don't like the BBC. I'm not too keen on them myself these days. Certainly, all the stuff that came out about Saville and other abusers whom the BBC protected all these years is a real eye-opener. The BBC hire goons to go around harassing people about licence fees. They will not believe you when you say you don't watch TV etc. I know a lady who has bought a licence out of fear. She doesn't even need it!

Lots of people criticise the BBC including commentators, newscasters and a former Director General of the BBC:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criticismofthe_BBCC_

He blames them for contributing to lockdown and says politicians respond to the media and he also thinks the same about the Marcus Rashford campaign. He says the mps bowed to pressure. He sees that as a negative whereas I see it as a positive.*

Well, I think he has a point. The media's job is to hype everything to the max for maximum drama - to get views and clicks. I don't think the Government should be led around by the nose by the "Daily Mail" for instance. It's irresponsible reporting that led to the panic buying situation.
*
On rare occasions he can respond to a news item with tears. And he can be compassionate at times and give money to charity.*

Well, then all is not lost. I think that's lovely. He cannot be a 100% coldhearted monster after all. You have material to work with here.

But he tends to be suspicious and cynical about situations and others whereas I'm more trusting.

That's a different personality to yours. There are many people different to you out there. If you are more trusting and not cynical, perhaps you could just your empathic qualities to try and understand him better? Lead by example.

Remember, our personalities are influenced by our past experiences and our upbringing. He didn't come into the world like that. He probably has reasons for it. I wish to goodness I'd been more suspicious and cynical throughout my life. I've been ripped off and abused so many times, but my heart has hardened now I can tell you!

He is a man who isn't really emotional at all and calls me too emotional.

If he can cry at the news, he is not that unemotional. I don't think there is a "right" amount or a "wrong" amount of emotionality. Who would make that decision anyway? Why should someone get to decide for others how emotional they should be? Perhaps it's good that you can balance each other. Too much of one thing can be bad. Think yin-yang here.

Sometimes it's as though he just has to disagree with me.
I feel I'm in a power struggle.

Perhaps he feels the same way? You need to think about what you are looking for here? His full agreement? If he said he agreed with everything you said it would be likely lip-service only but would that make you happy?

You only need to read the threads here on MN to see there are many, many opposing views and shades of grey in between. There will be disagreements on this very thread in how to help you and people who hate this post I am typing.

We have said no more political discussions and he often walks out now when the news is on.

Well, it sounds like he has respected the decision for no more political discussions and is handling it in the best way for him. Does he have to watch the news if it feels better to him that he doesn't?

I honestly thought he would agree about the school dinner campaign.
Sometimes after such a conversation he will back track and "soften" somewhat.

Well, perhaps you gave him food (no pun intended!) for thought. The fact he has "softened" and "back-tracked" means he IS taking on board some of what you say. That's a good thing.

But he is still the same most of the time.

You'll never completely get someone else to bend to your will. Would you really want that anyway?

Like I said, we have other problems and the last few years have been particularly difficult. He has a temper and shouts and swears about stuff.

I think these are maybe the real issues at the heart of the matter. I think a lot of the politics and arguing about the news is just a smokescreen for the real problems. Have you got a plan to resolve those?

Lastly, you could try posting a separate thread for all your different views and read the varying responses, trying to understand the points each poster is making. You will be surprised to see all the different points. So it's unrealistic to expect your DH to agree with you 100% of the time.

mindutopia · 24/11/2020 11:03

I think it's a matter of fundamental values. I know lots of people with very diverse political views (some of whom I frankly think are complete idiots, but to each their own), but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't fundamentally share my values. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was at his core against the things that matter a lot to me. It's a compatibility issue that I think you can't get past unless neither of you are particularly passionate about it or one of you is willing to be walked all over.

Silversandandsea · 24/11/2020 11:10

Ok
I hear what you say but I do find some of it difficult to take on board given the context of our relationship.
And so yes, it is more than just about the political disagreements..
This is a man who seems to default to disagree with me.
He gets angry and shouts and swears.
I get what you say about the BBC but he makes sweeping statements about them and also for example about the nhs saying they've been put on a pedestal!
About refugee children separated from parents in usa "they'll be ok" " I'm not interested in American politics"
He doesn't like Black Lives Matter either but he says he isnt racist and believes in equality.
He is conservative in his outlook.
It's the fact that he has to disagree with everything I say or ask him.
I'm treading on eggshells most of the time.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 24/11/2020 11:18

'He has no empathy', 'I feel it's a power struggle' (it's a control struggle) 'I'm treading on egg shells' (he wants you to feel this way).

Sounds like your dealing with a narcissist or similar. They create arguments because they need to 'win'.

OP the issue isnt your differences in opinion (infact I'd be willing to bet that if you changed your mind and agreed with him, he would change his view point to the contrary in order to argue more). The issue is he is a nasty, horrible person. Get outa there asap before he grinds your soul into the dirt. Because that is what he is doing and that is what he means to do.

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