Intimacy has broken down

[Thebakingman12]

Hello, im looking for some advice please. im a man, ive been in a relationship with my wife for nearly 11 years, we moved in after 4 years and weve been married for coming up to 4 years. Our intimacy and sex life has lowered to the point where i dont know what to do anymore.

My wife and i were friends before we got romantically involved. Our relationship has never been the fireworks and hot passion type of relationship, however we had a sex a couple of times a week, showed each other love an affection and everything was good. my wife is quite a shy person with a low sex drive, and because of that sex and intimacy has 95% of the time always been initiated by me. She doesnt like public affection, Shes not the type to wack on sexy underwear to entice me or prance around the house naked or come onto me in any way so if we have sex its mostly because i want sex and then i come on to her.

Ive obviously known this since day 1, and for about 6 years it never used to bother me. But as of about 2 or 3 years ago it started to grate and wear on me, i started to feel a little bit like shed lost interest in me or a bit like it was something to do with me, or something i was doing wrong, or that i was no longer satisfying her. So we sat down and i asked her if there was a problem, i explained how i was feeling and she basically said there was nothing wrong, that's just how she is but she will try to be understanding. It improved for a short time then went back to how it was. We had the same conversation again a few more times over the next year or 2 and again it improved for a short time but then returned to how it was.

We had a baby just over 3 years ago and since then its gone downhill even more. I know the commitments a child brings, and how it impacts on freetime, but we barely kiss, barely touch, i feel like its always me thats trying to initiate any form of physical contact. I get a peck on the lips before bed and a peck on the lips before she leaves for work. Its got the point where im really struggling. Im sad everyday to the point where i cry every night. Its got to the point now where most of the time i try to initiate sex i get turned down for one excuse or another and its really knocking my confidence, my personality but most of all its making me question my marriage. She has a stressful job and works long hours. She also does alot for our family and within the house. So i do understand that she can be tired and stressed etc.

We sat down a few weeks ago for a frank conversation and she told me that she loves me, she wants me, she fancies me and she's happy with me, but she has no interest in sex at the minute. She said it's nothing to do with me, its just how she feels and she doesn't know why.

I love my wife more than i can express, which is why i get so upset by it. I dont want to split up and i dont want to go elsewhere, i just want more love together, im trying to be understanding of her wants and needs but how can i just sit here miserable and wait for her interest to come back. What if it never does? Am i overthinking it? Am i being selfish? I feel lost.

Thanks for any replies.
GM

You say you love her more than you Can Express, but your entire op is Bout you and your needs.

Well firstly, why does she do so much for your family and within the house? Are you pulling an equal share there? When does she get time to go to the gym, go out with her friends, pursue a hobby? Stressful job + small child + pulling an unequal load will stamp your sex drive flat even when it was previously very healthy, not to mention breed resentment. And then she's got you, basically telling her "Have sex more! Want sex more!" and all that really does is tag another item onto her to-do list. Which, hello more resentment and less sex drive.

I do have sympathy for your position. Not feeling wanted is a bad feeling that eats away at you. But you need to see the burden she's under as part of the problem and start being active in lifting it off her and creating space for her to be just her. Not to mention don't pressure for sex.

You need a serious, proper chat and quite possibly the support of a professional counsellor to find a way forward. Can you do more at home? Can you get a cleaner, or look after the kids a couple of evenings a week so that she can go out? What would make her feel wanted? How can you connect in an intimate, affectionate, but non-pressuring way that she'd like, say a back massage with no expectation that it escalates into sex?

Ps. And you are going to have to bear in mind that she never had a rampant drive in the first place. So she's never going to become someone who wants it here, there and everywhere. But if you want things to change you have to change your behaviour.

@Respectabitch

Well firstly, why does she do so much for your family and within the house? Are you pulling an equal share there? When does she get time to go to the gym, go out with her friends, pursue a hobby? Stressful job + small child + pulling an unequal load will stamp your sex drive flat even when it was previously very healthy, not to mention breed resentment. And then she's got you, basically telling her "Have sex more! Want sex more!" and all that really does is tag another item onto her to-do list. Which, hello more resentment and less sex drive.

I do have sympathy for your position. Not feeling wanted is a bad feeling that eats away at you. But you need to see the burden she's under as part of the problem and start being active in lifting it off her and creating space for her to be just her. Not to mention don't pressure for sex.

You need a serious, proper chat and quite possibly the support of a professional counsellor to find a way forward. Can you do more at home? Can you get a cleaner, or look after the kids a couple of evenings a week so that she can go out? What would make her feel wanted? How can you connect in an intimate, affectionate, but non-pressuring way that she'd like, say a back massage with no expectation that it escalates into sex?

Thank you for that. I would agree its not equal, but it isn't far off. Nothing out the ordinary or to the point where im sat twiddling ny thumbs all day. We each do various things around the house that the other doesnt. However as you mentioned i can try do more to help

No dont "help" - you are not her child. Be an responsible adult and do your fair share.
And Stop pressuring her for sex.

You seem to have a good, solid marriage and, except for the libido compatibility, it gives me the impression that you get along well and have a loving relationship.

You care about your wife and are very committed to her and your life together. You have a child that needs stability and security.

I completely understand your sex life frustration because I have been there myself. Sometimes you have this idea in your head of what a lovely sex life should be like and you realise you are not getting that in real life with the person you love and you are committed to.

I don't have a lot of advice to give other than to give it time and talk about it whenever you can, although you seem to have done that a lot already.

At one point in your life, maybe not just now, you might have to make a decision and balance things out. Personally, as much I would love to have fireworks in the bedroom every time, I came to the well thought decision that keeping a solid family unit and providing security and stability for me and my loved ones is more important than passion and hot sex in the bedroom. So I am OK with an OK sex life, but certainly not the mind blowing experience I can sometimes fantasise with.

But I might change my mind in a few years' time, who knows. Give it time, if you are ready to do so. If your sex life is important to you or a priority right now (and I wouldn't blame you if it is, as we are all different), then you might have to think about going different ways. It is a very personal decision, and one only you can make.

Wow. If you were a woman you'd have been told to ltb by now as he wasn't meeting your needs anyway, I've been where you are and I'm afraid it doesn't get any better so I had to call it a day. Life is way too short not to be wanted, desired and made to feel special. One thing I will just throw in though, is that we've just discovered exh has ASD, and the effect on his sex drive was profound. Not sure if thats worth a thought?

How much downtime does she get? Who gets up in the night to your dc?

When you say you're not twiddling your thumbs, how much do you do? Who cooks, who cleans up after, who prepares for the next day, who does the laundry? Are you a tidy person, do you pick up after yourself? I'd take a step back and try not to be defensive, but objective and honest with yourself about the split of labour at home. If there's a discrepancy, make sure to do your share (it's not "helping" - "helping" buys into the narrative that the housework is hers to do).

@ginandtonic324

You seem to have a good, solid marriage and, except for the libido compatibility, it gives me the impression that you get along well and have a loving relationship.

You care about your wife and are very committed to her and your life together. You have a child that needs stability and security.

I completely understand your sex life frustration because I have been there myself. Sometimes you have this idea in your head of what a lovely sex life should be like and you realise you are not getting that in real life with the person you love and you are committed to.

I don't have a lot of advice to give other than to give it time and talk about it whenever you can, although you seem to have done that a lot already.

At one point in your life, maybe not just now, you might have to make a decision and balance things out. Personally, as much I would love to have fireworks in the bedroom every time, I came to the well thought decision that keeping a solid family unit and providing security and stability for me and my loved ones is more important than passion and hot sex in the bedroom. So I am OK with an OK sex life, but certainly not the mind blowing experience I can sometimes fantasise with.

But I might change my mind in a few years' time, who knows. Give it time, if you are ready to do so. If your sex life is important to you or a priority right now (and I wouldn't blame you if it is, as we are all different), then you might have to think about going different ways. It is a very personal decision, and one only you can make.

Thank you. Im not going to make any rash decisions but i guess there is only so much talking you can do. I also dont want to end up splitting up in 5 years time resenting each other. Hopefully I will take some of the advice here on board and things may improve.

And how does the leisure time split? How many evenings out with mates/days at the footie/weekends away do you get, and how many does she?

@TheSnootiestFox

Wow. If you were a woman you'd have been told to ltb by now as he wasn't meeting your needs anyway, I've been where you are and I'm afraid it doesn't get any better so I had to call it a day. Life is way too short not to be wanted, desired and made to feel special. One thing I will just throw in though, is that we've just discovered exh has ASD, and the effect on his sex drive was profound. Not sure if thats worth a thought?

Thank you. I thought that too. I will look into that. It maybe something.

@Respectabitch

And how does the leisure time split? How many evenings out with mates/days at the footie/weekends away do you get, and how many does she?

Its very similar. Neither of us go out much. Maybe once or twice a month. I dont do any sports and neither of us go to the gym.

@category12

How much downtime does she get? Who gets up in the night to your dc?

When you say you're not twiddling your thumbs, how much do you do? Who cooks, who cleans up after, who prepares for the next day, who does the laundry? Are you a tidy person, do you pick up after yourself? I'd take a step back and try not to be defensive, but objective and honest with yourself about the split of labour at home. If there's a discrepancy, make sure to do your share (it's not "helping" - "helping" buys into the narrative that the housework is hers to do).

Our daughter goes to bed at 7.30. She sleeps through till about 7am. We both get downtime in the evening. We both get up at the same time to go to work and the "labour" as you put it is fairly evenly split. I wouldnt say it would be a contributing factor to whats happening, but then again i could be (probably am) wrong

If she says she still loves and fancies you, I would take the pressure off having sex for now, and try to rebuild the intimacy together. As it's unlikely that she'll become interested in sex while you're barely touching.

If she's willing to try, work on cuddling up together, taking time to kiss and hold hands, massages, baths together (without trying to push onward to sex).Take sex off the table for a month and do everything but. Make sure you doing your half at home as well.

If she's not willing to try, then you're a bit up shit-creek.

Why the scare quotes around "labour"? Housework and childcare is work, unpaid, but work.

Sadly, I don’t think there is any hope that her drive will return or improve in any way. At least not for you.
She already started with low libido and probably mostly went along with it for you before the kids as many women do.
Now that she had a child - with all the needs, and pressures, and tiredness that having a child brings - she is both busy and touched out. Whatever needs for physical closeness she has are met by the child. There is simply nothing else left for anyone else.
So - no matter how much help uk I may give her, and how much rest she may have - it won’t change really.
She may get back to doing it for you - and it’s the best case scenario here.

So - before you get to a place of more resentment - it’s best to start coming to terms with that.
What you do with it is your choice and limited to just a few options.
But you aren’t alone in this and this is why many people end up having discreet affair with people in similar situations.
Or leave.

I think women sometimes feel everyone wants a bit of them in their roles. Women are mums, partners/wifes, their boss’s employee, their parents daughter. Sometimes it feels a chore because its another demand ... Have you asked her about taking on more at home rather than helping...

I think listen to her, ask her how’s she’s feeling, try and spend time together intimately without pressure of sex. Woo her! Think about it from her perspective

Do you cook as much as she does ? Drop off and collect DC from any childcare the same amount, clean bathroom and kitchen areas,feed DC, take DC to any activities, play and educate a equal amount, food shop? It all mounts up, and it all is about as far away from sexy as life can get. What is sexy, and helps a woman to stay connected to her SO, is having a man that does all this as much as she does. It really is as simple as that in many cases - not all, but it goes a long way. So be honest with yourself and your DW, maybe she does more than you appreciate for the family. If this is so, you have something simple to work on, if you are already doing all this in equal measure, it's could be complicated, but start with the simple fixes, then work from there, as a team, it will naturally bring you closer together hopefully.

OP firstly I feel for you. I think some of the responses youve received above are pretty unhelpful! Im sure you havent taken them to heart, but please dont. I very much doubt what is happening has anything to do with who is doing more around the house...
I left my long term relationship earlier this year because there was no intimacy, passion, or sex for a very very long time. We were together for 12 years, married for 1. We didnt have any children so I appreciate the dynamics were different to yours, however I did feel very lonely, unloved, and completely lacking in confidence by the end of it. I think the most important thing for me (and what was missing in my relationship apart from the obvious) is communication! I know you say you have tried to talk about it, but perhaps if she is quite shy it would be worth seeking some professional help? Maybe you could try suggesting this to her, and if she isnt keen to start with, you could try going by yourself. That may well help you better understand what is going on and how you could help her. Look at Relate, they are meant to be very good.
Im sorry youre going through this by the way, whilst our circumstances are different, trust me when I say I know how you feel to a certain extent. I hope you can turn it around and make things worth for you both, and for your daughter x

I very much doubt what is happening has anything to do with who is doing more around the house...

Well, as someone who doesn't have DC, perhaps you should accept that you aren't qualified to comment on this aspect. Because it absolutely has to do with this for most women with DC. The DC are physically exhausting, they change your body, your hormones, they touch you all the time, constantly, they hugely increase the mental and practical load, they suck your sense of self, and an unequal shouldering of the household-and-DC physical and mental load has a huge effect on a woman's libido. To feel sexy you need to feel valued, like yourself, have space to be yourself and not just a carer.

I very much doubt that she'll suddenly get her sexual mojo back, especially as it's not ever been her "thing".
In many marriages, sex just isn't top of the list after kids and years together. I'm sure he does truly love you, but sex is just not important in her life and it's not how she shows her love to you.
I guess that's why illicit sites are rampant on the internet......I expect there are thousands of men and women out there who feel like you.

Yes to addressing any inequality in the household/childcare division of duties but one other thing, is she on the pill? I ask because it killed my libido stone dead and your wife's 'no interest in sex' comment sounds exactly like me before I came off it. Worth thinking about assuming she'd like things to improve too, not so helpful if she's genuinely happy with how things are

You lost me at the crying every night...

You still haven't specified just how much household work you do. You say 'I would agree its not equal, but it isn't far off', but it's a fact that men think they do more housework than they actually do. So if you agree that you don't do as much as her but think you do a fairly equal amount I would extrapolate that she is doing significantly more than you. I agree with pp that you should focus on giving her more time to be herself, without expectation from other people for what she can do for them.

If, when you are truly doing an equal amount of life labour, it still does not improve then I think your feelings are justified. It is natural to crave human connection and want regular sex. If frank conversations don't change things and there aren't any other factors contributing to her lower libido then it may just be a case of accepting that you are not sexually compatible.

I think you are falling into societies male ideas of what is a reasonable ammount of sex.

There are no set ammounts throughout a marriage, sex can wane for many resons... young children, ill health, resentment all will affect every marriage.

You have young children, immensly hard physically and emotionally demanding time for all mothers, The responsibility is enormous, to be the reponsive parent means never taking your eye offf the ball, if you do it can be like all law and order has broken down in the home.
I really don't think men truly understand this, add her doing the higher percentage of the housework and going to work.

No wonder she does't want sex.!

She sounds like an excellent mother and wife but your priority seems to be upset by her not wanting, to put it bluntly be a whore in the bedroom.

This will change as your children get older she will have more free time for her sexuality to return, Iv'e seen it so many times where young ladies in their early 30's have affairs due to resentment thats built up from them feeling like single parents in a marriage.

So stop wallowing about lack of sex and bleeting on that it's unfair, it is natural at the moment, pull your weight.
You say she fancies the pants off you, well if I were you I'd make her remember how she felt when she was young, independant and sexy.

Woo her.
Romance her.
Appriciate her.

I think you would be better posting for advice on what women want and love from a man.
Checklist

That Sir is what will get your wife jumping back into bed with you.