Intimacy has broken down

[Thebakingman12]

Hello, im looking for some advice please. im a man, ive been in a relationship with my wife for nearly 11 years, we moved in after 4 years and weve been married for coming up to 4 years. Our intimacy and sex life has lowered to the point where i dont know what to do anymore.

My wife and i were friends before we got romantically involved. Our relationship has never been the fireworks and hot passion type of relationship, however we had a sex a couple of times a week, showed each other love an affection and everything was good. my wife is quite a shy person with a low sex drive, and because of that sex and intimacy has 95% of the time always been initiated by me. She doesnt like public affection, Shes not the type to wack on sexy underwear to entice me or prance around the house naked or come onto me in any way so if we have sex its mostly because i want sex and then i come on to her.

Ive obviously known this since day 1, and for about 6 years it never used to bother me. But as of about 2 or 3 years ago it started to grate and wear on me, i started to feel a little bit like shed lost interest in me or a bit like it was something to do with me, or something i was doing wrong, or that i was no longer satisfying her. So we sat down and i asked her if there was a problem, i explained how i was feeling and she basically said there was nothing wrong, that's just how she is but she will try to be understanding. It improved for a short time then went back to how it was. We had the same conversation again a few more times over the next year or 2 and again it improved for a short time but then returned to how it was.

We had a baby just over 3 years ago and since then its gone downhill even more. I know the commitments a child brings, and how it impacts on freetime, but we barely kiss, barely touch, i feel like its always me thats trying to initiate any form of physical contact. I get a peck on the lips before bed and a peck on the lips before she leaves for work. Its got the point where im really struggling. Im sad everyday to the point where i cry every night. Its got to the point now where most of the time i try to initiate sex i get turned down for one excuse or another and its really knocking my confidence, my personality but most of all its making me question my marriage. She has a stressful job and works long hours. She also does alot for our family and within the house. So i do understand that she can be tired and stressed etc.

We sat down a few weeks ago for a frank conversation and she told me that she loves me, she wants me, she fancies me and she's happy with me, but she has no interest in sex at the minute. She said it's nothing to do with me, its just how she feels and she doesn't know why.

I love my wife more than i can express, which is why i get so upset by it. I dont want to split up and i dont want to go elsewhere, i just want more love together, im trying to be understanding of her wants and needs but how can i just sit here miserable and wait for her interest to come back. What if it never does? Am i overthinking it? Am i being selfish? I feel lost.

Thanks for any replies.
GM

Welcome to Mumsnet OP. In case you haven't noticed it is standard Mumsnet practice to interrogate men on how much housework they are doing and generally insinuate that they are the problem for wanting too much sex in these situations. There are many more welcoming and empathetic places on the internet for men to get advice about sexless marriages.

For what it is worth, you are clearly very unhappy and this is an existential threat to your marriage. Regardless of the cause leaving it at "I don't know" helps no-one here and you need to get that across to her. Getting some professional support her to find a way to improve things may well help.

You said it was always you instigating even in the beginning so it was bound to get even less sex one the baby was born I think you are a mismatch in the bedroom and I don’t think you can change it. You will always be trying to get it and she won’t be keen on doing it ! There’s not much pleasure in sex when you have had to persuade someone to do it in the first place. It’s great to feel wanted by your husband/wife when they get hold of you and make it clear they want sex I spose it depends how important a sex life is to you because you may have to choose to leave and find another partner or stay put and accept you will be virtually celibate.

You married a woman who isn't into sex and you're somehow surprised that familiarity + time + small child means she's gone off sex completely
I'm not sure what you expected. I wouldn't be happy with the life you have but I'd never have married someone with a low sex drive. You either accept her as she is or do something to change your life. You can't change her!

@Hopoindown31

Welcome to Mumsnet OP. In case you haven't noticed it is standard Mumsnet practice to interrogate men on how much housework they are doing and generally insinuate that they are the problem for wanting too much sex in these situations. There are many more welcoming and empathetic places on the internet for men to get advice about sexless marriages.

For what it is worth, you are clearly very unhappy and this is an existential threat to your marriage. Regardless of the cause leaving it at "I don't know" helps no-one here and you need to get that across to her. Getting some professional support her to find a way to improve things may well help.

This.

I can't help but think that the most obvious reason you would go off sex completely is that you don't really fancy your partner that much. Surely if you did, you would have a desire for sex with them?

I think women sometimes feel everyone wants a bit of them in their roles. Women are mums, partners/wifes, their boss’s employee, their parents daughter. Sometimes it feels a chore because its another demand ... Have you asked her about taking on more at home rather than helping

This is true but the ops wife was like this when they first got together..she clearly tolerated it for the sake of having a husband and family.

They are fundamentally incompatible imo.

OP I thought you sounded great in your first post and then you blew it by saying that you 'help'! Why do you feel that you are helping? Is running your household and looking after your child not equally your responsibility?

I think this is half the problem right there. Change that and see if it helps. You could also try counselling if your wife agrees.

But you might just be sexually incompatible. Time will tell.

I wouldn’t bother with the extra housework. You could Spring clean every day, she’d only find another reason to not want sex. She was like this before kids, remember. Why bother putting in the effort when you’re not going to get a positive result? She doesn’t have a time or energy deficit, she has a desire deficit and has always had so.
You either accept that is the way she is or you show her what life looks like without Mr Dependable around. Women present themselves as far more sexually driven at the start of a relationship when the risk of the man walking away is higher so remind her that your presence isn’t to be taken for granted. Either you continue to have your self esteem crushed daily and cry yourself to sleep or you put her in a permanent state of anxiety where she’s terrified of losing you.
Not the best choice to be presented with. A cautionary tale for people embarking on LTRs - be honest about sex from Day 1 so both people can make informed decisions about what they are getting into.

@Respectabitch, "Because it absolutely has to do with this for most women with DC. The DC are physically exhausting, they change your body, your hormones, they touch you all the time, constantly, they hugely increase the mental and practical load, they suck your sense of self, and an unequal shouldering of the household-and-DC physical and mental load has a huge effect on a woman's libido. To feel sexy you need to feel valued, like yourself, have space to be yourself and not just a carer."

This so much. And many men tend to underestimate the work their

[quote MumOfSpiritedBoys]@Respectabitch, "Because it absolutely has to do with this for most women with DC. The DC are physically exhausting, they change your body, your hormones, they touch you all the time, constantly, they hugely increase the mental and practical load, they suck your sense of self, and an unequal shouldering of the household-and-DC physical and mental load has a huge effect on a woman's libido. To feel sexy you need to feel valued, like yourself, have space to be yourself and not just a carer."

This so much. And many men tend to underestimate the work their[/quote]
But the ops wife was like this, just to a slightly lesser extent, before they had children. Perhaps working/juggling kids has amplified it. But by the sounds of it, they never had a particularly passionate relationship. Sounds like she merely tolerated it.

Hit post accidentally.

Some men under estimate the work involved and over estimate their own contribution. My H is one of them. If he spent the hours he thinks he does on household chores there'd be very little for me to do. He's also snappy, impatient and leaves too much to me to do then wonders why I'm not in the mood. I've told him very clearly many times what the problem is, but he's not interested in actually fixing anything. I'm not saying this is you, but it is a fairly common scenario. Most of the mothers I know feel over extended, exhausted and touched out because their kids father doesn't do his fair share. Your comment re 'helping' is a big part of that attitude. It's not helping, that implies it's her responsibility. It's doing your fair share as a father and partner.

Firstly, OP, I am sorry that you are feeling like this. Feeling lonely and rejected in your marriage is really very difficult and i empathise with you.

Right, so there is obviously the fact that your wife is shy (so was never going to jump on you) and had a low libido to start with. You can't do too much about that - this may be a barrier and may be a deal breaker entirely if you cannot meet somewhere in the middle on the type of sexual relationship you want. This is neither of your fault.

Some have asked the housework question. This may feel overly gendered, but it is a fact that men do less than women on average. You say you do a nearly equal amount of the work. Can I just check who does the thinking/planning - meal planning, present buying, liaising with people, emotional labour? In my experience, this can be the thing that many men do not realise, that actually they act as "helper" for practical tasks, but leave the actual thinking to their partner, which can be very mentally tiring. So as the woman your day to day reality is making series of work and home lists in your head, with stuff whirring around all the time and little ability to switch off.

Lastly, intimacy. Does your wife like sex, physically? If she doesn't, then the path looks kinda different (may be the end of the road, may be a practical issue requiring women's health physio/doctor, more lubrication etc). If she does like sex in theory, but has a block in having it, are there other things that you can do to build intimacy without the pressure of necessarily leading to sex? My husband has less physical need than me for cuddles etc, but I find the more we actually have the more we seek it out, kind of like sex actually. Do you cuddle up in bed to watch something together in the early evening, without any expectation of more than a cuddle for example? Do you give her the chance to relax physically around you, or are you always looking for very demonstrative physical affection so that she feels ambushed a bit? Do you take time to appreciate her other than physically? Do you do things together and just enjoy being present with each other in a low key way - meals, watching tv, board games, whatever floats your boat? You may need to build her up gently.

The housework stuff is nonsense...he could clean all day, it won't suddenly ignite some passion in her that wasn't there before.

She was like this from the start.

Would she see the GP? Not everyone has a high libido but a very low one might be indicative of several common conditions.
Agree with the picking up the chore load suggestions - nothing sexier than a fella who does housework unasked!

I really feel for you OP, I've been there with my ex husband, I felt unwanted and my self esteem took a massive hit as a result. Honestly, I don't think incompatible sexdrives can work longterm, someone will always be left feeling shitty about themselves. Chances are this situation isn't going to change in the near future, so can you accept the lack of sex and itamacy? Or is it going to make you resentful towards the woman you love?

Funny how the woman on this thread below is in the same position as the OP (and has kids) and yet is getting plenty of sympathy.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4091314-We-have-had-sex-5-times-this-year

Obviously the man is accused of having a porn habit with zero evidence.

@formerbabe

The housework stuff is nonsense...he could clean all day, it won't suddenly ignite some passion in her that wasn't there before.

She was like this from the start.

If you don't want to live the rest of your life as a monk then start getting your shit together and seriously think about plan B because this isn't going to change.

When you spend time together do you really spend time together? Do you talk and go for walks free from distraction like TV and mobile phones? Could you get a babysitter or family to mind the children and have an occasional weekend away? It also helps if you go to bed before you absolutely must. Have some time reading or listening to something.

She might be exhausted as everyone says. See if she can reduce hours at work- because of tax bands this often means less reduction in take home pay than you expect. Get a cleaner. Do more housework yourself - don't ever sit down while she's doing chores - do your own half.

I don't think it's always about housework etc. If you initiate affection frequently, that could be putting her off moving towards you or reciprocating. My ex and I had frequent sex, but he complained about a lack of affection outside of the bedroom. I felt that he was always all over me. When I told him that, he was able to back off a bit and I would want to be closer to him.

Sadly OP this is extremely unlikely to change. You need to decide whether you can live with it or not because it seems like you have 2 choices here

1. Stay and accept that if you continue in the marriage that the intimacy is not going to come back. You'll have to come to terms with it.
2. Leave

@Hopoindown31

Welcome to Mumsnet OP. In case you haven't noticed it is standard Mumsnet practice to interrogate men on how much housework they are doing and generally insinuate that they are the problem for wanting too much sex in these situations. There are many more welcoming and empathetic places on the internet for men to get advice about sexless marriages.

For what it is worth, you are clearly very unhappy and this is an existential threat to your marriage. Regardless of the cause leaving it at "I don't know" helps no-one here and you need to get that across to her. Getting some professional support her to find a way to improve things may well help.

For goodness sake, no one is entitled to sex. It's all about partnership and it's the most intimate thing you can do with another person. You're sharing your body, emotions and entire self with someone else, and you need to be in the right frame of mind emotionally, mentally and physically for it. Women are people, not objects. You make it sound like sex is an object in the vending machine that the wife is refusing to dispense to her partner!! Of course other things in the marriage such as day-to-day housework and sharing of burdens/responsibilities is going to affect how you feel about sex. If your "partner" is not effectively partnering you in the other aspects of the relationship, why on earth would you feel the pull to partner with them in sex?

As a previous poster said, the pill or other hormonal contraception can also have an impact on libido. Try natural family planning: www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/natural-family-planning/

@LilyWater
She didn't make it sound like sex was an object in a vending machine that she's refusing to dispense.

It is absolutely 100% fine if she does not want to have sex with him ever again. That is her choice. But being in a partnership means that she should be honest with him so that he can make an informed decision about whether he wants to continue in the relationship anymore.

The pp correctly said that leaving it at "I don't know" doesn't help anyone here and it's not fair on her partner.

Perhaps she is a rare one who genuinely doesn't know but we have seen threads on here time and time again from the female perspective where she does know...she knows that she doesn't want to have sex with her partner ever again and she won't be honest with him about it because she's afraid of the consequences. That's not a partnership!

She sounds like an excellent mother and wife but your priority seems to be upset by her not wanting, to put it bluntly be a whore in the bedroom.

Bloody hell....he wants to be intimate with his wife on occasion and he gets accused of wanting her to be a whore in the bedroom
Is that what you think of women who want to have sex regularly?

@user1481840227

She sounds like an excellent mother and wife but your priority seems to be upset by her not wanting, to put it bluntly be a whore in the bedroom.

Bloody hell....he wants to be intimate with his wife on occasion and he gets accused of wanting her to be a whore in the bedroom
Is that what you think of women who want to have sex regularly?

I also thought that was over the top. He clearly loves her and just wants a normal level of intimacy with his wife. And they're married- never heard of sleeping with your husband making you a w....