Feel so disconnected from partner - is it over?

[Grace456]

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been repeating myself over and over to my partner for the last several months.

I feel so disconnected from him. I feel so lonely and alone in my own relationship. When I have tried to tell him how I feel, and again today, he says that "we are together all the time", as if I am being ridiculous. Just because we are physically together doesn't mean we are emotionally connected!

This has been building over several months and I feel I have reached crisis point. I am unhappy. I feel like he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. We haven't had sex for months, and he is affectionate with me, but it is nowhere what it used to be like. Now I feel we just have a few pecks on the lips. We never passionately kiss anymore or hold eachother close.

I feel like I am grieving what we used to have and I don't know how we got so distant. It just doesn't feel the same anymore :( I love him and want us to be together - but not how we are. I feel like I am screaming at him how I am not happy and it is falling on deaf ears. So I ignore things, but I can't ignore it inside so I am becoming snappy and resentful and my fears aren't going away.

I have told him so many times I want to spend more quality time together. I dont want to spend every evening sat in silence watching the TV. I want us to talk, do things, christ sake, I am only 28 and feel like I'm washed up. I'm so bored. I know lockdown doesnt help, we can't go out for days out or activities. But I just feel like we are drifting apart and everytime I bring it up it is as if he can't see it, or refuses to see it

This sounds like my marriage. It just went on and on like this until I realised he was cheating.
I sometimes wonder if he felt he was being loyal to his lover by distancing himself from me.
Why haven't you been intimate in so long ?

You're 28. You don't mention children. If you don't have them, I'd leave and start again. This isn't working for you and he can't see any reason to change.

He is doing nothing to alleviate your fears. That would tell me all I needed to know.

Hi OP - when you tell him you are unhappy, do you explain in as practical terms as possible? Your post does it really well. Perhaps it needs spelling out even in minute detail I.e. “I need long and in depth conversations, I need to feel your interested in me deeply and how I’m feeling and I want to hear similar from you too. It involves no distractions, lots of listening, knowing me inside out, what makes me tick and what makes me sad, and lots of eye contact and affection and understand etc etc.

Just a thought - sometimes the other person needs it spelling out in this way. Good luck.

Ffs, op, get out and run like hell. How he feels is irrelevant. You are miserable, and every day spent with his is just a waste. You are so young, please don't squander your youth with him. Just leave.

How long have you been together OP?

Same as my relationship. I am 29 but have left like this for 4-5 years been together for 9.

Some people are avoider they avoid getting close to people and avoid emotions, they’re uncaring and in empathic.

Wish I left years ago. I feel a bit trapped now.

You seem to have a mismatch in your needs. His needs are for a quick chat at dinner, zoning out next to you watching TV, then a nice cuddle in bed. I mean, that's great, but it means he doesn't understand that you have different needs and that they're valid.

You know what it's like to have those feelings. He may not. Maybe he's never felt them, never felt like that about anyone, so he has nothing to compare his current state of affairs to. It is strange that it was like that though at the beginning but now he's not missing that at least a little bit. I'm not sure if anything can be done. I would leave now if you want to have children. Children will most likely make the situation worse, not better.

We don't have children. We have been together for 2 years. We have two dogs together, and as stupid as it sounds, things have really changed since adopting the dogs! One of the dogs has bad separation anxiety, and so we haven't been able to leave her alone, or with anyone else. (We are working on training her and building her confidence but it is a slow process!)

Because of this we haven't had time alone since we got the dogs. I love the dogs to pieces but of course it limits what we can do. Even just going for a walk, we don't hold hands anymore because the dogs leads get tangled, they are walking in front of us etc. It just feels like we arent a couple anymore. We used to do things together like go to the gym together, or go for days out to a new town and look round the cute shops (obviously pre lockdown). Now we have to take turns to go to the gym. We went on a seaside holiday a few months ago, but we couldn't look round the shops because obviously dogs aren't allowed in! I just miss being a couple and feel like everything is focused on the dogs. I had a dog before, but she was fine to be on her own for a few hours so it never really impacted my life like this.

He says that he feels things are different too, and he says I am different with him. But I feel like I keep expressing my feelings. Maybe I am not being direct enough. I dont know. Maybe I just need to take more initiative. He says that I just 3xpect him to be the romantic one and to do nice things for me. I dont expect it to be one sided. But he USED to do lots of romantic things so obviously it is very noticeable that it has changed.

I have told him that I dont want to just sit in front of the TV every evening. His response is that he likes doing that, that there isnt anything else to do, and if I want to do something else then I should suggest it. I tell him that I miss him. That I feel disconnected and like we are drifting apart, that just because we live together and are physically together, doesnt mean I feel close to him. He gets defensive and says that I make him feel he isnt good enough for me.

I just want to feel close again but everytime I bring it up it seems to make things worse. But I can't just sit here and watch us drifting apart. I am not happy :(

If dogs have come between you, imagine what it would be like with kids !
I think you've both realised dogs are a big commitment and you've drifted apart . Maybe it was too much too soon ?
I'd think about who will home the dogs when you split, because you inevitably will . Right now you both seem trapped.
Sorry OP you cant force love and romance however much you want to .
Time for practical matters !

I love him, and I do believe he still loves me. I just feel like we have got stuck in a rut, and stuck in s boring routine and have stopped making an effort for eachother. Obviously before you live together you have that anticipation, and excitement for when you see eachother, and when you do see eachother you are more focused on eachother, and go out and do "date" things. Perhaps I am being unrealistic. What do I expect during 2020 which has been the majority of the year forced to be inside? Maybe this is just what happens once you are past the initial phase of a relationship?

Lockdown is crappy as no one can go anywhere. I think if you feel like this with dogs, kids will be even worse. Have you tried suggesting other things to do? It sounds like he’s quite dismissive of your needs but maybe you need to be clearer on what you want.

Don’t settle for this rubbish OP and waste your best/fertile years on him.

Look up sunken costs phallacy.

Start afresh with someone who is in love with you and shows it. You deserve connection, affection and a sex life!

@Grace456 have the courage to end it.

As a single woman it seems simple to me. It's not compulsory to be in a relationship. It's not like a job, where you make do with a bad one til you get a better one.

I have got happier and more confident as I've been single. I'm not lonely now because there is literally nothing that PRIMES you to feel lonely like another person in the bed beside you who will not connect with you.

Being alone in the bed is lovely! You feel far less lonely on your own.

My marriage has gone a bit like this during this second lockdown. My DH just sits in the same chair, behind his phone, or a book, or the paper... It’s been getting on my tits.

How I’ve decided to tackle it is to focus on my own life. I know his behaviour irritates me when I’m focusing on HIM. When I’m focussed on ME I don’t care what he does! So I’m just dragging my attention away from him and onto my own lovely life, interests, friends, kids, plans and projects.

I know from previous experience that, as soon as I do this, he will naturally want to hang out with me more because I will be a moving target, not just a woman on the sofa staring at him and tutting. I’m starting today so I’ll come back with an update in a few weeks. We’ll either be blissful, or his stuff will be in big bags on the lawn. 😆

But I’m twice your age and married.

PS, we all know that the initial excitement diminishes but being told ''you're ridiculous'' is a way of distancing you. So in other words, he doesn't want to connect. The willingness to value the connection goes a long long way even if neither of you has anything new to share. ykwim.

I feel like he does want to connect, but we have got so distant that it feels hard to start, if that makes sense?
I don't want to give up. I love him a lot and I value what we have. I don't want to give up when we hit the first rough patch. Relationships take nurturing, and I think we are both guilty of neglecting things. I want to sit down with him and tell him how I feel, but I need him to hear me and want me as much as I want him.... maybe I should write a list of changes I want to make?

It shouldn’t be that hard OP. It really shouldn’t.

Why not plan a night of romance for the both of you. Buy some flowers and some nice ingredients. Cook a lovely meal for you both with (ready made?) cocktails, fizz & (if he likes) beer. Have a starter, main, dessert. Put on some nice music and some sexy undies under your clothes. Wear something nice. Dim the lights....show him what you mean. Men don't always get it. Maybe buy him a little token gift & a card too.

Grace

Re your comment:-
"I don't want to give up. I love him a lot and I value what we have. I don't want to give up when we hit the first rough patch"

But this is more than just a rough patch isn't it?. What do you actually have?. You are also not intimate as a couple which in itself is a problem. As you yourself write of him, "I have told him so many times I want to spend more quality time together. I dont want to spend every evening sat in silence watching the TV. I want us to talk, do things, christ sake, I am only 28 and feel like I'm washed up. I'm so bored. I know lockdown doesn't help, we can't go out for days out or activities. But I just feel like we are drifting apart and everytime I bring it up it is as if he can't see it, or refuses to see it"

People get bogged down when they focus on their sunk costs; you are mired in the sunken costs fallacy. Don't become 29 or 30 and be in the same position as you are now. Find the courage within you to call this a day.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments.

What is there to love about this man?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. To me, he seems quite happy as he is and its these dogs in the main that are keeping you both together now.

He says he still feels the same way about me, but maybe I am just kidding myself and he doesn't, and perhaps he is kidding himself too?

But I still feel the same way about him and I have withdrawn so I feel we are both reacting to eachother pulling away. I cuddled him in bed this morning, I wanted to all night but I felt worried he wouldn't want it. And he said it was really nice. Maybe I am so worried he doesnt want me that it stops me initiating things which continues the cycle?

I love him, I still fancy him. I want to have sex with him, I want us to be like how we were

Words are cheap OP and he may well be telling you what you so badly still want to hear from him. Look at his actions, what has he at all done here to reassure you or actually put any effort into this relationship?. He also seems quite happy as he is.

You're currently 28 years of age, you do not want to get to 30 and be in the same position as you are now. Be brave and make the break from him.

He is affecting your confidence.

Why not see if he cuddles you in bed tonight?

I’ve reread all your posts. I admit I’d missed the lack of sex! That’s really going to be getting to you. Is that a big change? How often did you do it when you were dating?

You seem to have told him your feelings a lot and it hasn’t changed anything. He knows you’re unhappy.

Why not try something different just for 2 months? It’s not like you can leave anyway, during Lockdown. And you’d rather not split up. So I don’t see you have anything to lose if you try this just till 2021. If none of this works, you can leave in the new year with a clear conscience.

1. Find something he does for you and say thanks, every day. Just one, big or small. You don’t have to fawn over him, but find one thing you can genuinely appreciate and be grateful for.

1. Find something to do on your dull evenings in, that you genuinely enjoy. Not for both of you, just for you. I expect you’re spending most nights watching TV with him, and hating it. So stop. Find an online course, buy a gripping book, call all your friends, watch a film on your laptop, start a random craft, have a long bath, do yoga in your bedroom... Just get OFF the sofa and entertain yourself.

1. Get exercise everyday for your own mental health and happiness. Walk those dogs. Go miles. Exhaust them.

1. Take vitamins. A great multivitamin will make you feel better. Don’t drink booze much. Set a regular bedtime (don’t go to bed when he goes, go when it suits you) and eat really healthily.

1. Do 3 things every day that make you feel good. Like, a beauty treatment if that boosts your mood, or making your bed up in a really cosy way, or meditating, or watching The Crown, or baking cookies, or organising a drawer, or painting your bedroom purple.. Doesn’t matter what they are, but prioritise 3 moments that’ll cheer you up. If you can do them with him, great. But don’t stress that.

I am not saying that your low mood is your own fault. YES he should be making you a priority and YES he should listen when you tell him you’re unhappy.

But also YES YOU SHOULD BE MAKING YOURSELF HAPPY TOO. In fact, when you’re making your own happiness a priority you’ll be in a much better place to judge how this relationship is making you feel. So fill yourself up with fun, life, work, interests, family, exercise, music, laughter, etc - just like you did before you met him, or when you were dating - and then see how you feel about him.

It’s always the way that the moment you detach from a relationship because you’ve had enough, your partner realises how much they love you and come running back. So my advice is, detach a bit now, while you still like him. Focus on YOU instead of him, and see what happens. You have nothing to lose.

You can still dump him in the new year if you decide he’s a dick.