Feel so disconnected from partner - is it over?

[Grace456]

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been repeating myself over and over to my partner for the last several months.

I feel so disconnected from him. I feel so lonely and alone in my own relationship. When I have tried to tell him how I feel, and again today, he says that "we are together all the time", as if I am being ridiculous. Just because we are physically together doesn't mean we are emotionally connected!

This has been building over several months and I feel I have reached crisis point. I am unhappy. I feel like he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. We haven't had sex for months, and he is affectionate with me, but it is nowhere what it used to be like. Now I feel we just have a few pecks on the lips. We never passionately kiss anymore or hold eachother close.

I feel like I am grieving what we used to have and I don't know how we got so distant. It just doesn't feel the same anymore :( I love him and want us to be together - but not how we are. I feel like I am screaming at him how I am not happy and it is falling on deaf ears. So I ignore things, but I can't ignore it inside so I am becoming snappy and resentful and my fears aren't going away.

I have told him so many times I want to spend more quality time together. I dont want to spend every evening sat in silence watching the TV. I want us to talk, do things, christ sake, I am only 28 and feel like I'm washed up. I'm so bored. I know lockdown doesnt help, we can't go out for days out or activities. But I just feel like we are drifting apart and everytime I bring it up it is as if he can't see it, or refuses to see it

Are you able to go somewhere for a few days op? I think he needs a taste of life without you in order to miss and value you a bit more.

I completely identify with the dog thing as had dogs like that myself once and they are such a hassle in terms of getting alone time BUT you have to make them learn it's ok to be left. Perhaps he could get on and train them.

I'd also be looking into what else he might be doing home alone all day. Seems to me he's disinterested in sex and you...for some reason.

Thank you for the videos. I shall certainly give them a watch.

He has messaged his manager this morning asking to book today off as annual leave... just trying to avoid things.

I wish there was somewhere I could go but unfortunately there isn't. I don't have any family I can stay with. I wish I could go because I need space from these mind games and confusion :(

I don't think he does anything when I am not here apart from scroll through social media and watch TV! His best mate text him last night saying he feels hurt about their friendship as he has been distant with him too and he wants to meet up with him to discuss stuff (partner hasn't replied). He says he feels no part of his life is going right at the moment

So he came upstairs to give you a “cuddle” and found you crying and feeling rejected? OP! You’re not living your best life here!

Get up, have a shower, do your face, put something in that you feel good in, get outside for a long walk, call your friends and DON’T TALK ABOUT HIM, make fun plans with them for next week when all the pubs etc open again. Buy something nice for dinner - that you like - and a new notebook.

Back at home, say Hi to him and then lock yourself away with your notebook and list 25 things that YOU really enjoy doing. And then list 15 things that you want to do, but have never done. The second list can be small things (listen to a new podcast, sing Katy Perry songs in the car, paint toenails green, buy a poinsettia) as long as they’re new.

Every day I want you to do one thing from each list.

Please please please stop crying and talking about your feelings with this bloke. If your BF is depressed and stressed, you’re not helping. If he’s not, then you are throwing away all your pride and dignity and making this one tiny man the centre of your universe.

You are 28. You will never be 28 again. Please don’t waste your 28th year tracking some man’s perceived interest in you like it’s the FTSE 100.

Remember who YOU are.

If this is impossible while you’re in this relationship, then it’s time to move out and move on.

I wish there was somewhere I could go but unfortunately there isn't.

Apparently hotels are still open. Book a night in a Premier Inn. Bring beauty stuff, have a spa night. I’d totally do that.

Or next week you can go stay with a friend, if you’re not in Tier 3, I think..?

Next week will be so much better. You can get out and about then.

op when this happened to me i got a gift box for him & myself

my one had some sensual stuff in there ( not sexual) that made for a great afternoon / evening not expensive £35

his box had more practical stuff but was all wrapped nicely and a gesture that meant i wasn’t waiting for him to make the first move

whilst it doesn't fix everything it did reconnect us again

I find myself looking at other couples all the time and being jealous of how they talk about eachother and treat eachother. Even if we were to break up we would be forced to live together for a good few months. I want the old him back :( we used to be so in love

We had a nice evening last night. We were being cuddly and affectionate and joking around!

In the night one of the dogs woke up crying (needing the toilet). He woke me up and was telli g me to take the dog out. Saying he always does it. It seems so pretty but I just thought you didnt work yesterday, you arent working today. I spent all of yesterday working from home, and making you lunch and dinner and doing washing whilst you sobbed around feeling sorry for yourself. I have work today and college in the evening, as well as trying to prepare for a job interview I have tomorrow.

I was resistant and asked him to do it. He then became really annoyed. He was pulling the covers off me, and pushing at me (not really hard but in a hostile way) He complained that he has to deal with the dogs all the time, told me I was being a little bitch and a cow. Told me it was my fault for him getting so angry.

So I got up and took the dog out. Dog did a wee but there must have been a mouse or something in the garden because she ran off into the bushes. Had to keep calling her to come in. Go upstairs with dog. Partner then says "you obviously brought her in before she was ready because why were you calling her so much?" I say that she didt need the toilet, she was messing around.
Dog keeps crying because she wants to go out and chase whatever is in the garden, partner keeps telling me I didnt do it properly and I need to take her out again as she obviously needs the toilet. I try to sleep.

Partner takes dog out. Realises dog doesnt need toilet. Comes to bed and tries to cuddle with me. I'm tearful after the way he was with me. He says I need to take responsibility for my actions.

This morning he says sorry for losing his temper with me and asks if I can forgive him. I have no energy to fight and I have too much to do today to give him the headspace.

I feel like that behaviour is just not okay. But I know I am the type of person to blame myself and to believe that I have driven him to it :(

I have told him that I dont want to just sit in front of the TV every evening. His response is that he likes doing that, that there isnt anything else to do, and if I want to do something else then I should suggest it.

Argh my ex was like this in my early 20s and it was a slow hammer to my confidence - loads of years later (mid 30s now) I realise he just couldn't be arsed to make the effort so made it mg fault.

Could you perhaps write down how you're feeling and see if that gets it across to him better? But this is absolutely not your fault x

Just read your latest update - I don't think this is a healthy dynamic :(

@hilariousnamehere

Just read your latest update - I don't think this is a healthy dynamic :(

me neither :( and he is being so loving today and keeps asking for a hug and a kiss and telling me he loves me :( all the things I wanted before, but now after him being so hostile and just unkind last night it just feels like a way for me to roll over and accept the way he spoke to me :(

Blimey he is just not a very nice man. Run for the hills

Wow. Ive been through something similar, slowly as the year goes on, getting deeper amd deeper into stress amd depression, but refusing to admit it or talk to anyone, amd it has affected my relationship massively, i am trying hard to recover it now, but thats my story not yours. How insightful to see from the other side, all the pain youre going through.

What do you think mighg help him to get through this, so he can focus on you again?

“He was pulling the covers off me, and pushing at me (not really hard but in a hostile way) He complained that he has to deal with the dogs all the time, told me I was being a little bitch and a cow. Told me it was my fault for him getting so angry.”

This worries me. It sounds abusive. And also you have talked about always blaming yourself. I don’t think this relationship is healthy for you.

@Grace456

It sounds like DP needs focus and structure to his life what with being left to his own devices for some time. Not wanting to spam here, there's a free 5 day challenge for men, run by an ex Royal Marine which addresses all stuff men go through. A virtual kick up the arse!

Seriously, though, men get together online, talk openly, expose their weaknesses and get challenged both mentally and physically. Made to realise what's important in their life.

Would DP be up for something like that?

This development is a different kettle of fish OP. That was downright selfish and heartless, especially when you have an interview today! And his actions were awful. Do not blame yourself - you have done all you can to help & support him. I think this counts as a need to escape the home for relationship problems. If you can't go to a friend's or family's house for a few days then book yourself into a hotel and take some time out. He needs to appreciate life without you and you need to show him you mean business. And he needs to spend time training those dogs so they aren't impacting on your life as much.