Feel so disconnected from partner - is it over?

[Grace456]

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been repeating myself over and over to my partner for the last several months.

I feel so disconnected from him. I feel so lonely and alone in my own relationship. When I have tried to tell him how I feel, and again today, he says that "we are together all the time", as if I am being ridiculous. Just because we are physically together doesn't mean we are emotionally connected!

This has been building over several months and I feel I have reached crisis point. I am unhappy. I feel like he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. We haven't had sex for months, and he is affectionate with me, but it is nowhere what it used to be like. Now I feel we just have a few pecks on the lips. We never passionately kiss anymore or hold eachother close.

I feel like I am grieving what we used to have and I don't know how we got so distant. It just doesn't feel the same anymore :( I love him and want us to be together - but not how we are. I feel like I am screaming at him how I am not happy and it is falling on deaf ears. So I ignore things, but I can't ignore it inside so I am becoming snappy and resentful and my fears aren't going away.

I have told him so many times I want to spend more quality time together. I dont want to spend every evening sat in silence watching the TV. I want us to talk, do things, christ sake, I am only 28 and feel like I'm washed up. I'm so bored. I know lockdown doesnt help, we can't go out for days out or activities. But I just feel like we are drifting apart and everytime I bring it up it is as if he can't see it, or refuses to see it

I've not long come home from work, and I feel really guilty.

He was tearful when I came home. Slumped over in his chair. Saying how much he hates his job. He was unhappy in his job even before the pandemic, but now working from home for so many months on end he is finding it unbearable.
He hasn't been doing his work for months because he finds it so boring, he has had no motivation and can't bring himself to do it. Now people are chasing him for things and he has the embarrassment of saying he hasn't done it, and the anxiety of knowing people will ask him for it. He has been skipping meetings and ignoring messages. But even so he can't bring himself to do the work. He did look for another job a few months ago but doesnt know what to do. His job is what he did his degree in, he likes his colleagues, and as far as his field go, he says this couldnt get any better. But he is so unhappy.

He has gained weight and says he is comfort and he said today all he wanted to do was watch TV, eat food and turn off his phone. He said he keeps seeing his appearance in the camera during the work meetings and said he looks fat, old and stressed.

I was trying to encourage him to speak with his manager but he didn't want to. I was trying to comfort him and hug him and talk with him but he was very shut down and not responding.

I feel so guilty now and like I have been obsessing that the problem is me and our relationship, but if he is so unhappy at work, it makes sense he is crashing in front of the TV every night and not in the mood for sex?

He says he has no motivation to do anything.

He has been tearful in the past few weeks saying he feels low - I thought it was me and him not being happy with us.

The insecure part of me says that maybe it is us, and maybe I am contributing to it? I'm sure I have withdrawn too which hasnt helped but the way he was acting made me feel rejected.... but it seems like he isnt himself right now? I've never seen him like this before

The insecure part of me says that maybe it is us, and maybe I am contributing to it

It’s definitely not you. You have an Anxious Attachment style (look it up) which is why you worry about your relationship. But this is 100% nothing to do with you.

You should feel relieved really, because his revelation today explains everything! He’ll have been shitting himself and depressed, worrying he’ll get found out, and that totally explains his withdrawal from you and his crappy TV-watching behaviour, at least to me. He’s had all this on his shoulders.

I can’t quite get over the fact he’s just NOT DONE his work, though. WTF?!

But it’s definitely not your fault. I’d imagine you’re the best thing in his life at the moment.

By the sounds of it, he’s basically had a mental health crisis and a quiet and slow nervous breakdown. You can’t just not do your work for months without it having really significant consequences for your team and your employer so he must be feeling incredibly stressed. Poor guy.

This situation needs very careful handling because his team really needs to know the true position ASAP so they can start to mitigate the worst consequences of it. He might lose his job as a consequence although there may be a different outcome if this is addressed as a mental health issue which it clearly is. But the sooner his team knows, the sooner the situation can start to be put right. He’s carrying too much on his shoulders knowing that he’s months behind on work which people want from him. Someone needs to share the burden.

Ah, when all else fails he’s turned on the waterworks.

I think it’s an excuse.

@Beentherefonethat

I think it’s an excuse*

For what?

We have spoken at length. I don't know what to make of it.

I told him how I felt, that I felt he had been distant and not himself with me for a while. I asked if it was because of him being unhappy with work, or was it us?

He said it was a combination of things including us. He said it is because of work, lockdown, and us being together 24/7 has mean we have bickered and got on each others nerves. He said he still loves me but can't explain things much further.

I said how I felt we were turning into housemates rather than a couple, the lack of affection etc.. he didn't respond much to that.

He said he didnt want to say anything bad about the dogs because they are the only source of happiness in his life right now (great) and doesn't see how they are problematic to our relationship. Even though I explained how we havent done anything as a couple since we have had them and I miss that alone time.

He didnt really say anything reassuring...

He said he feels shit and he hasn't got energy to be romantic or do gestures like he used to.

He said he loves watching TV and that won't change

That sounds dreary; it would be dreary at 58, never mind 28. I doubt you'll shake him out of it, but make sure he gets custody of the dogs!

I've just read your last post. He's a couch potato who loves his TV more than he loves you! Run ... you'll either meet someone else who's got a bit of life in him or you'll manage just fine on your own. Don't take the dogs!

I don't know what to do :(

I’m a bit confused. If he has not done his work for months, that seems to me to be a very serious and worrying situation that needs to be addressed probably before anything else (it would surely be contributing to his stress and his desire to escape into TV the whole time) but your most recent update doesn’t mention it at all. Perhaps I have misunderstood the situation.

He's anxious stressed depressed. This is not him at his best but as a broken man. Show some mercy and compassion on the poor sod. Men are allowed to fall to pieces. Be kind be patient and be loving. Get him out of the house walking. Start dog training. If he's going to watch tv, watch better tv not shit. Play board games. Watch Bottom, The Office, The Thick of It - anything that's funny. Cuddle and hold him. He needs you to reach him wheee he is, not have you standing outside the hole he's fallen in and demand that he makes you feel loved.

You're not married and you don't have kids. Stop being so passive and end things. This is the time to leave when it's not working! Don't be one of those women who allow things to drift along then some time later with marriage and/or kids, want to break up their family homes and cause distress for everyone.

@HMSSophie

He's anxious stressed depressed. This is not him at his best but as a broken man. Show some mercy and compassion on the poor sod. Men are allowed to fall to pieces. Be kind be patient and be loving. Get him out of the house walking. Start dog training. If he's going to watch tv, watch better tv not shit. Play board games. Watch Bottom, The Office, The Thick of It - anything that's funny. Cuddle and hold him. He needs you to reach him wheee he is, not have you standing outside the hole he's fallen in and demand that he makes you feel loved.

Yeah, I totally understand what you are saying. I would be more than happy to do all those things and support him. But it is really hard to do that when i constantly feel rejected and he tells me that I, and our relationship are part of the problem. Even though he did say that now he is feeling is what is contributing to the problems between us.

I have been trying to do those things for him. Yesterday when he was tearful about work, I held him, even though he was just flipped in my arms. I cleaned away all the dirty dishes he had left in the kitchen. I made him lunch. I tried to just chat and be upbeat and things, and he wasn't giving me eye contact or engaging. It is hard to not feel rejected or unwanted. And then later when he said the dogs are his only source of happiness, I just thought but I do so much to try and support you :(

@Dery

I’m a bit confused. If he has not done his work for months, that seems to me to be a very serious and worrying situation that needs to be addressed probably before anything else (it would surely be contributing to his stress and his desire to escape into TV the whole time) but your most recent update doesn’t mention it at all. Perhaps I have misunderstood the situation.

Yeah it is confusing for me too. He said all that about work when I came home, but later on he was saying he is down for lots of reasons - work, lockdown, me...

I was trying to get him to speak with his manager yesterday but he was refusing. He has been doing SOME work, but the bare minimum to get by and hasn't met a lot of deadlines with things. He said he has always struggled with motivation, he says he isnt self motivated, and hates working from home. He said the same thing happened when he did he his PhD - he literally hardly did any work, was going to be kicked off the course, but then managed to do years loads of writing in a few months, but was chained to his computer from morning until night at the time!

I don't know what to do about his job. I have told him he cant keep ignoring it, avoiding the problem is only making it worse. He said he wants to keep his head in the sand. I tried to gently encourage that that isnt healthy, will make him worse in the long run, deal with it now. But it is like dealing with a brick wall

macbookho I haven’t read all the posts but I read yours - was advised to focus on my life by counsellor and it’s definitely a way forward. Will be v interested to see what happens.
OP he doesn’t sound much fun. It’s v easy to get sucked in to stuff. 28 feels old, but believe me it’s not!

What happens to you that it!

He's an adult. He needs to sort himself out. You are not responsible for him. You can provide support and encouragement of course but ultimately it's up to him and he's not helping himself or your relationship.

TBH at 28 with no children I'd leave.

I feel so upset. After reading the message someone said about supporting him and not pressuring him to make me feel loved, I cuddled him in bed, and was kissing the back of his neck, and his back, shoulders, gently etc.

He wakes up, goes to the toilet. Comes back into the bedroom. Says good morning. But then starts fussing over the dogs and kissing them. Then goes downstairs. Where is my morning kiss or cuddle or affection? I just feel invisible. I am trying to be affectionate and getting nothing back. I feel like it wouldn't matter if I was here or not, and the only good thing about me being here is I do all his cooking and washing

You deserve a lot better than this OP.

Leave him with the dogs.

Start afresh.

Ps he isn’t going to magically become a great boyfriend, partner, lover...

Just read your latest post. I wouldn’t demean yourself anymore with the affection/attempts at connecting sexually.

He isn’t going to return it. Leave him to have his love in with his dogs.

So he did come back upstairs, came into bed and cuddled me... I am so confused! By this point I had gotten myself upset, feeling rejected etc. He tried to make conversation with me but it was hard for me to open up. Then he says "see you say you want to talk more but when I try, you don't say much"

I told him I felt sad about us, and confused that he doesnt want me around. I said that I don't seem to be making him happy. He said he wouldn't be happy with anyone right now in this situation (lockdown) he said he loves me. I said I am more than willing to support him through this tough time but it is difficult when I feel rejected or that he doesn't want me around. I said that I felt hurt when he said the dogs are his only source of happiness. He said that isnt what he meant - he just meant the dogs are the only thing that are always happy in the house, and being around that elevates his mood and they are the only thing getting him out the house for walks etc

You show him affection and he's adversarial in response, trying to make out you say this! you want that!

But you initiated the affection.
He used your lack of an immediate verbal response as a way to trip you up

He's actually happy to be distant.

This distance is his level. It will never change.

What Alan robarge's video when your family chronically rejects you (but yet summonses you to be in relationship.)

It's about family of origin, but the basic problem is the same. You're in a relationship, you want more connection. They don't, they like it HOW IT IS.

It is my family to a t, and all of my relationships were with men who wanted a girlfriend yehhhhhhhh, but they didn't want connection.

PS, this video was an epiphany for me. I realised that some people just LIKE that distance. They want you in the relationship, but control the level of connection.

Op, also watch this video.

There are a lot of people on the internet but this guy is up there at the top of what's available.

This video is for relationships, ''colluding in your own betrayal''