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Relationships

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Original poster

Alternatives to Marriage

16 replies

Ginandtonic4all · 21/11/2020 21:01

Is anyone here in the situation where one partner wants to get married ( not for religious reasons but believes in it and values it) but the other doesnot (has been divorced twice already) but have come up with a good alternative or compromise??

We need some help navigating this one and any ideas would be welcome. We love each other, want to be together forever but have this hurdle to overcome / solve / accept.

OP posts:

User74575762 · 21/11/2020 21:05

Depends how the legal aspects apply to each partner really.
What's important to each person here? What do they want to achieve or avoid?

Original poster

Ginandtonic4all · 21/11/2020 21:50

The legal side can be taken care of either by marriage or by legal agreements.

It's the institution I guess. I want to get married. It means something to me - emotionally. Happy not to have a wedding with all the pomp etc just want to be married. He doesnkt think it means anything so why do it.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/11/2020 22:08

@Ginandtonic4all

The legal side can be taken care of either by marriage or by legal agreements.

If his desire to not get married is greater than his desire to do it because you want to be married then you aren't compatible. Neither is right or wrong but if he's so anti marriage that he would actively rather not marry you even though that will upset you, then you fundamentally aren't compatible I don't think.

LAgeDeRaisin · 21/11/2020 22:30

He obviously does think it means something because if it meant nothing there would be no issue with him just doing it to make you happy

User74575762 · 21/11/2020 23:46

IANAL but afaik there are certainly some legal / financial benefits you can only get via marriage/civil partnership (e.g. some final salary pensions only pay out a "widow's" pension to an actual spouse/civil partner of the deceased... IHT of course ...the ability to transfer assets to reduce CGT... inheritance if there is no will... and of course the requirement for a financial settlement on divorce. Plus little odds and sods like the right to register the death because a spouse is "a relative").

The main thing is if you are not married you need to be v careful about financial, career, retirement and tax planning and make sure you can prove joint stuff is joint. Read all manner of threads here to see what can go wrong otherwise. And don't have kids unless you are are rich enough that you're the one who would want a prenup....

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/11/2020 23:48

I agree he knows it means something otherwise he’d be okay with doing it because you want to.

Civil partnership?

MoiJeJous · 21/11/2020 23:50

I agree with @youvegottenminuteslynn it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible/have the the same values. Neither of you should have to compromise about something so big.

jessstan1 · 21/11/2020 23:53

He feels like that because he has been married twice before. You can't blame him.

There are ways in which you can will each other money and possessions, some pension plans - not all - allow you to name somebody who is not your spouse to receive it after you die.

It's important for both of you to be financially stable, independently of each other.

If you can achieve all that, I wouldn't worry too much about being legally married. It's a problem when one party (usually the woman), has nothing, perhaps because she gave up her career to rear children but you haven't indicated your situation is like that.

Sort yourselves out financially and forget it. He may change his mind in time but at the moment, he doesn't have confidence in marriage. Neither would I I've I had been twice divorced.

category12 · 21/11/2020 23:59

It's not that meaningful as a "forever" commitment if he's done it twice before, is it?

If you want to be married, there isn't really a compromise.

I mean, you could do a civil partnership. Or if he's not willing to do the legal side, you could do a commitment ceremony of some sort like a handfasting or something.

Badwill · 22/11/2020 01:02

He's been married twice. Marriage really doesn't mean anything to him (unless his ex wives both left him through no fault of his own??)

I wouldn't expect someone to want to do it a third time. Seems such a pointless/expensive endeavor. If you really want to marry find someone else. Otherwise I'd accept that for some people marriage just isn't suitable and that's fair enough.

Pyewhacket · 22/11/2020 05:19

To be honest, if I'd been divorced twice I wouldn't want to get married again either.

Original poster

Ginandtonic4all · 22/11/2020 09:47

Thank you for your responses. And I have thought all of them before.

There will be no children. We both have a child each from previous relationships. I am independently financially stable and earn more than him. We want to keep our finances and potential inheritances separate and so would do a prenup I guess and some tax planning. The main legal thing for me is being next of kin. And if we were to buy a house together that it could not be sold under me. We both already own houses.

But all of that is sortable, operational etc.

I know that we are ultimately incomparable but when you love someone so deeply should it that overcome it. But weirdly it doesnot as lots of people have said at the moment he is unwilling to do something he doesn't believe in, he Likened it to being baptised when you are an atheist.

@Pyewhacket can I ask why?

Has anyone been in my position - with someone who does not want to get married and got over it?

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 22/11/2020 09:52

Just a side thought, see those two ex wives...maybe they know something you don't. I suppose two isnt that many really but..
he is the common factor in both.

You might end up being glad he was fed up with marriage.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/11/2020 09:57

Ultimately I think you are incompatible because you would like marriage and he does not want it. If you want marriage then you will need to find a man who wants marriage too. When was it apparant to you that he did not want to be married for the third time?.

"The main legal thing for me is being next of kin".
Why this solely?. There are other more pressing legal matters other than this which would probably only be used in a hospital setting.

YeedaYodaTee · 22/11/2020 10:51

category12 · 22/11/2020 11:01

Oh I wouldn't get married if you want to keep finances and inheritance separate. He's not got a good track record for staying married and pre-nups etc don't necessarily stand up. It's just a massive risk to take if you know you want to keep finances separate.

Have a commitment ceremony or something.

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