To tell the truth even though it might kill him?

[letsleepingbabieslie]

DH has been struggling with major mental health issues for several years. I have been doing all I can to support him. Recently found out he has cheated on me, acting out ‘a desire to self destruct and destroy everything’. He tried to kill himself when I found out. He knows I am hurt, but I have been hiding the full extent of it because I’m afraid if I tell him how I really feel the guilt will tip him over the edge.He is about to begin major therapy and medical intervention to try to address his personal issues.
Do I keep pretending I’m ok, carry on supporting him as best I can, and deal with the damage to our relationship when he’s in a more stable place? Or do I let it all out now and force him to deal with it, even though it’s the worst possible time?
We have young children. I’m financially dependent on him. The suicidal feelings are very real and not empty threats. This could genuinely end him. But I am in so much pain too.

Also, please reframe this situation.

Your emotional reality won't/can't kill him.
His illness is what poses a threat to him.
You are not responsible for his illness.

I would seriously question the reason for the infidelity. It's making excuses for unforgivable behaviour.

If this were me I would not be able to see past this and given his mental state I would ride this out and quietly sort out your finances until you are able to leave.
Threatening to commit suicide is a low blow when he is the offender pushing the blame onto you. What a burden you carry OP

What would you achieve by telling him? On balance the risk of harm to him and by consequence to your children outweighs any perceived benefit to you
What would benefit you is getting your own counselling and support and financial independence.
You have an eternal bond with him by your children, you would never be at peace or happy if at some level you thought you tipped him over the edge. It's just not worth the risk. Even if some of you doubt his illness is genuine, having it out with the cheater doesn't actually help you. If the cheater cared how you felt or about the family they would not have cheated. It literally achieves nothing whether he is ill or not to tell him.

You have an eternal bond with him by your children, you would never be at peace or happy if at some level you thought you tipped him over the edge

I don’t think anyone knows if in the future the OP would or would not make her peace with her husband’s behaviours not being caused by her nor being her responsibility but definitely posts implying that she is somehow responsible for his behaviour and suggesting she would feel lifelong guilt for his choices do not remotely help her to achieve any peace in this situation.

I think a good counsellor would definitely help the OP to separate out exactly the extent to her control in this situation.

some of you are way off the mark. I don't want to give full details here of the background so can't blame you for getting the wrong end of the stick. But maybe give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes?!

I don't think it's a good idea to post about something as serious as this while seemingly leaving out quite pertinent background information. It almost sounds like you are suggesting that he had an understandable reason to cheat. If this IS the case, and it's not a mental health condition which causes you to lose all sexual inhibitions, then the only reason anyone would suggest this is if they think they are somehow to blame for their partner cheating.

Now, we all know that it's the person who cheats who makes the choice, no-one can DRIVE someone else to cheat, IMO. But if that IS the "background" you're talking about, that you think there was something around YOUR behaviour that led him to cheat, then I think you need to stop right there, and get help with your own thoughts and feelings.

As you believe his cheating is as result of his MH issues, what would be the point in telling him how you feel, if it would push him over the edge?

Especially as you're not able to financially support your DC and also have MH issues. The best thing is to look into support for yourself by having individual counselling.

Your emotional reality won't/can't kill him.
His illness is what poses a threat to him.
You are not responsible for his illness.

How about asking him to leave while he sorts his mental health out. When he's healthy and stable you can revisit whether you want to be in a relationship together.
But this is a path he alone can tread and people who are mentally ill can be very draining and very selfish.
The only person who can prioritize you, is you. There is nothing wrong with doing so.

^ top of PP was a quote of another poster sorry.

Take your life back. Find out about jobs and supporting yourself or if that is not possible, then find out exactly what benefits and housing help you can get. Knowledge is power. At the moment it seems impossible, but millions of women cope financially on their own. You are not different from them just because you are afraid and it seems hard.

At the moment you are a bit player in your DH's life and in his illness. You are circling around his life like a moth around a lamp. No wonder you are depressed. You have lost sight of the strong woman that you used to be because you never have a chance to put your feet on the ground and find out that you can cope. Instead you play second fiddle to someone else's drama and issues. You do not need to 'confront' him or make it even more about him, you just need to get out completely.

Do you want tomorrow to be different from yesterday? If you really do, then today make the first step towards that. Look into leaving and making your own life.

@Haffiana

Take your life back. Find out about jobs and supporting yourself or if that is not possible, then find out exactly what benefits and housing help you can get. Knowledge is power. At the moment it seems impossible, but millions of women cope financially on their own. You are not different from them just because you are afraid and it seems hard.

At the moment you are a bit player in your DH's life and in his illness. You are circling around his life like a moth around a lamp. No wonder you are depressed. You have lost sight of the strong woman that you used to be because you never have a chance to put your feet on the ground and find out that you can cope. Instead you play second fiddle to someone else's drama and issues. You do not need to 'confront' him or make it even more about him, you just need to get out completely.

Do you want tomorrow to be different from yesterday? If you really do, then today make the first step towards that. Look into leaving and making your own life.

OP , i think this sums it all up .

OP,
I have a few questions for you.

What if he never stops feeling suicidal?

What if he stops feeling suicidal, then you finally permit yourself to leave and move on with your life, then he says he's suicidal again?

What if he kills himself anyway even with you putting him first, as suicidal people might do?

What if you become suicidal yourself from this horrible situation?

Maybe I am a cold heartless bitch but if a partner betrayed to such an extent, I'd dump them and fuck walking on egg shells over their mental health. Your wellbeing and that of your children is infinitely more important. I’d probably check if there would be any insurance pay-out. Let whoever he cheated with look after him then…