To tell the truth even though it might kill him?

[letsleepingbabieslie]

DH has been struggling with major mental health issues for several years. I have been doing all I can to support him. Recently found out he has cheated on me, acting out ‘a desire to self destruct and destroy everything’. He tried to kill himself when I found out. He knows I am hurt, but I have been hiding the full extent of it because I’m afraid if I tell him how I really feel the guilt will tip him over the edge.He is about to begin major therapy and medical intervention to try to address his personal issues.
Do I keep pretending I’m ok, carry on supporting him as best I can, and deal with the damage to our relationship when he’s in a more stable place? Or do I let it all out now and force him to deal with it, even though it’s the worst possible time?
We have young children. I’m financially dependent on him. The suicidal feelings are very real and not empty threats. This could genuinely end him. But I am in so much pain too.

[Hailtomyteeth]

You sound desperate, to me. Your situation is desperate.

Work out how you and the children will cope without him - will you be entitled to benefit? Where could you live? Would you have any support from your family?

Carrying someone with mental health issues is too much. It's too hard. You need to free yourself and your children from the emotional chains he's wrapped around you. People might say 'Oh, you must help him'. I say, 'First, help yourself and your children.'

If he hadn't had mh issues, you'd have left him for infidelity, wouldn't you? That would have been sensible. Just because his illness leads him to reckless sexual encounters doesn't mean you have to accept that as part of your marriage.

[Didkdt]

When I was a student I was with a younger version of your DH engaged as well.
When i eventually left for my own dignity guess what he didn’t kill himself most people who want to kill themselves don’t shout it out for help to be put in place.
Leave there is no better time, the therapy will help him to find a way to move forwards, otherwise you will spend your life waiting to be free until after the next thing and the next and he will sabotage you leaving every single time, because that’s what the suicide “attempt” after the affair was discovered, it was sabotage to stop you leaving.

[MitziK]

Frankly, if he kills himself over it, that's his problem. His decision.

What's more likely is that he makes a half hearted attempt to bully you into excusing his awful and unforgiveable behaviour and make himself the wronged party.

[MintyCedric]

Blimey there are some really harsh responses on here.

OP, what do you want? Are you hoping he shows remorse and you can rebuild your marriage, or thinking that you want to divorce?

I think for now, I would suggest concentrating on yourself and your children as much as you can. Maybe get some counselling to deal with your own feelings about what's happened, and look at ways to become more financially independent if possible.

Once you're both in a better place, address the issue and make a decision.

[Goldensnitchy]

@lughnasadh

He's manipulative.

People who mean to kill themselves just do.

It's utterly tiresome listening to 'suicidal feelings' which last decades but astonishingly end in nothing but control over the others around them.

@lughnasadh please don’t make such sweeping statements about “people” generally. I agree this is the case for a lot of abusive and manipulative men, but that was very hard to read from someone who has had on off suicidal feelings for a number of years.

OP I agree with someone else who suggested seeing what his mental health team suggest? It may be best to try and keep it together for a bit longer at least for your children’s sake, but your feelings matter here too and this must be so devastating for you. Do you think you still want to stay together after this or not sure?

[CompleteBarstool]

If I were you I'd talk to his MH team - seek their advice or warn them if you are going to tackle him about it.

Then you need to find someone to talk this through with. It's not fair on you

[TonMoulin]

Well for a start I would ensure that I’m not financially dependent on him. This is not just because you might want to leave but also because he might have to stop working anyway.

And i think you need some counselling yourself. At the very least, to be able to vent your feelings. Otherwise you are going to make yourself ill.

[PurpleFlower1983]

It’s a hard one but having been in your shoes my advice would be life’s too short to be unhappy - leave the bastard. I was convinced mine would do it too after several ‘attempts’.

[GaryTheDemon]

I’d get this moved to ‘relationships’ AIBU is not the place for this, he’s not the only one who is vulnerable here.

[saraclara]

Talk to his MH team. They're the only people who can help you.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

[tsmainsqueeze]

What he chooses to do is not your responsibility , this is no life for you , where do you draw the line ?
How many betrayals are you prepared to tolerate ?
This will chip away at you until you become a shadow.
I would be making plans to get out at some point soon , it can't be a healthy environment for your kids either .
You and your life are as important as his and you only get this one life too .

[VetiverAndLavender]

That's so difficult... From a purely practical point of view, because you and your children are financially dependent on him, I think you should try to keep things as stable as possible, for the immediate future. Is there someone you trust that you can vent to, so you're not just bottling it up? If nothing else, can you write down what you'd like to say to him, and keep it completely private?

For the long-term, at some point you'll have to be able to address this with him honestly. You shouldn't have to hide your feelings forever in order to protect him from himself. It would be wise to start working toward being able to leave him, if you think that's what you want.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Op, I really feel for you.

The issue is that your husband is still managing to make his awful behaviour to you all about himself. He's behaved terribly to you (which may be explained by his illness, but not justified) and yet still you are the one constantly put in the position of having to give him support and sideline your own pain.

This isn't good for you, and frankly it's not good for your kids, either. They are seeing this family dynamic played out in front of them, which really, really does not improve their own chances of having healthy, happy relationships in their own futures.

I think you need to insist on finding support for you - whether that's therapy - not to "fix" you, because you aren't the one broken here, but to give you the tools to manage this awful situation - or something else. And I also think it's time for you to start putting yourself and your kids first. because your husband isn't doing it, and won't.

Don't let him drag you down with him. And don't allow anyone to cast his choices - whatever they are - as your fault. They aren't.

[letsleepingbabieslie]

Thank you for the responses. I agree with all of them, depending on the time of day.
Yes, I agree the children are the first priority. What I believe is in their best interests is an emotionally stable, alive, present father. It is possible that with sufficient therapy he could be this. What I think is in the kids’ worst interests is losing their dad to suicide and being raised by their mother (me) who has chronic depression and suicidal tendencies of her own. I could go back to work but we would be living on a fraction of DH’s salary. Life insurance is out of question for us now - it has been invalidated by his behaviour and nobody is now willing to insure him. We’ve tried.
It’s easy to think walking out would be the easiest solution and best for the kids. But that isn’t necessarily true.
And yes, if it weren’t for MH background the infidelity would have been an absolute deal breaker. But there is a direct link between his behaviour now and the background, over which he had no control at all. I don’t want to go into it here.
I am just going round and round in circles. Every answer has massive drawbacks to it.

[MitziK]

@MintyCedric

Blimey there are some really harsh responses on here.

OP, what do you want? Are you hoping he shows remorse and you can rebuild your marriage, or thinking that you want to divorce?

I think for now, I would suggest concentrating on yourself and your children as much as you can. Maybe get some counselling to deal with your own feelings about what's happened, and look at ways to become more financially independent if possible.

Once you're both in a better place, address the issue and make a decision.

Well, some of us have been terrorised into staying in awful relationships by such manipulative tactics.

[Quietheart]

@letsleepingbabieslie I would ask for this to be moved. There is a shocking misunderstanding or ignorance already on this thread AIBU is not the place. I live with a man with severe enduring mental health problems, he is in crisis right now. It is so hard to live with, I know your pain.

Are you part of his care plan, do you have family meetings with his care team? As some posters have said, talk to them in confidence and ask for counselling to be arranged.

It absolutely needs to be addressed and he does need to take responsibility but if you force it all out and it tips him over the edge this will still have a huge impact on you. Make a plan, ask for support. You can leave or end the relationship but a plan will help you do it safely for you and your children. Alternatively with support you may feel you can deal with the issues when he is well.

How long ago did he cheat and has he been unwell ever since, so no real opportunity to address it?

[Lalaloveyou2020]

If his mental health is this bad how is he still the main earner? You need to plan for a day when he might not have the same earning power and you are the breadwinner. It will make your life and your choices easier in regards to your relationship.

Fww I think you should leave him. It's not safe to have children in the same house as someone who is that actively sucidal. You could try have him sectioned for his safety and your own. Yes, you want to look after him, but you don't want to expose your children to any risk. He might not mean to harm you but what if he decides to gas himself and accidentally does you all in?

Get out. Get help.

[Tararararara]

lughnasadh bollocks! Your whole post is clearly from someone with no experience of suicide. My dear friend had suicidal thoughts for decades and attempted a few times. It wasn't manipulation or control. It was genuine, crippling, intolerable (to him) anxiety and depression. And it DID kill him in the end. In the weeks prior to his death he said he felt suicidal. He tried to get help, but it wasn't successful. He wasn't saying it to be manipulative, he said it because he genuinely felt it was the only way out of his hell.

OP, I don't think I could keep quiet if I knew it would come out eventually, either due to seething resentment or anger etc. At least now he's being well supported.

[Quietheart]

Sorry I should have said there have also been some balanced, good and insightful advice on here.

Are you receiving help for your own depression?

[MichelleofzeResistance]

What Gary said. ^^

I've been there in wanting to leave a suicidal (and abusive) partner but worried sick about my leaving pushing them over the edge. Particularly as at the time they would not accept any help from any of their services or take their medications or do anything but cling to me. What I actually found was that when I did leave, they turned immediately to the professionals, who should have been dealing with this and were far better equipped than I was, and were willing to engage in a way they hadn't been before.

The thing is that if the relationship has ended for you and you're unhappy, then you're not the right person to help your partner through their current crisis. No one can say how long it may be before he is stable and well enough to cope well with a separation, or whether if he achieves stability and wellness then a separation would undo this anyway. This is the reality of his situation, and he needs support to cope with now, and that support needs to come from professionals. You need your own support. It is very sad but sometimes the experiences of going through awful MH crises damages a relationship more than can be swallowed down or repaired, and that's ok. Working out healthier boundaries for me, and knowing when things became other people's responsibility was a huge part of surviving it.

[dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf]

Hi, unfortunately you're being manipulated here.

'Let me get away with X Y and Z or I will kill myself'

He can get you to do anything with this.

Please get away from this person Xx

[ReallySpicyCurry]

How come it's ok for him to do what he wants because he's depressed and suicidal, but you've also been depressed and suicidal and still have to toe the line, put his feelings first, and trudge on?

You're careful of his feelings despite your own MH struggles, he clearly does not manage to extend the same care to you.

I'll give him props for coming up with a vaguely original excuse to cheat, I suppose

[slipperywhensparticus]

@letsleepingbabieslie

Thank you for the responses. I agree with all of them, depending on the time of day.
Yes, I agree the children are the first priority. What I believe is in their best interests is an emotionally stable, alive, present father. It is possible that with sufficient therapy he could be this. What I think is in the kids’ worst interests is losing their dad to suicide and being raised by their mother (me) who has chronic depression and suicidal tendencies of her own. I could go back to work but we would be living on a fraction of DH’s salary. Life insurance is out of question for us now - it has been invalidated by his behaviour and nobody is now willing to insure him. We’ve tried.
It’s easy to think walking out would be the easiest solution and best for the kids. But that isn’t necessarily true.
And yes, if it weren’t for MH background the infidelity would have been an absolute deal breaker. But there is a direct link between his behaviour now and the background, over which he had no control at all. I don’t want to go into it here.
I am just going round and round in circles. Every answer has massive drawbacks to it.

Ummm YOU are a priority TOO

Start making positive steps in your own life be it educational or mental

Don't make excuses for him cheating its a choice and if he did it risky you need an STI check try and look at it separately from the mental health, if he was mentally healthy person and he cheated would you stay? The answer to that question should determine your response because you might have forgiven him or you might have left him under normal circumstances

[TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair]

What a shit position you are in. This is so devastating for you, I'm sure.

I think if I was you, I would think of the children. I would stay, I would get my ducks in a row as much as I could and I would wait out your dp being more stable for just a few months. Because, no, I don't think he is going to kill himself, I think threatening to is highly manipulative of him but it is a risk. Is he a narcissist? He sounds like it, to be honest. Google it if you aren't sure. Narcissism stems from vulnerability and is complex.

Long term you know you can't have your children witnessing this type of behaviour, though. That's so incredibly damaging for them. If he is holding down what sounds like a high-paying job, he is not that desperately ill. Life will be better with the pandemic in the spring, hopefully some time will have passed and he will have had some help and you can go. Honestly, beyond that if you go and he does kill himself, it is absolutely not your fault. That is his decision and his responsibility. I think you would know that deep down. And if narcissism is the issue then honestly you could get trapped for years, being hurt by him behaving appallingly then trying to kill himself when you leave. Life is too short. Your children shouldn't be around that.