To tell the truth even though it might kill him?

[letsleepingbabieslie]

DH has been struggling with major mental health issues for several years. I have been doing all I can to support him. Recently found out he has cheated on me, acting out ‘a desire to self destruct and destroy everything’. He tried to kill himself when I found out. He knows I am hurt, but I have been hiding the full extent of it because I’m afraid if I tell him how I really feel the guilt will tip him over the edge.He is about to begin major therapy and medical intervention to try to address his personal issues.
Do I keep pretending I’m ok, carry on supporting him as best I can, and deal with the damage to our relationship when he’s in a more stable place? Or do I let it all out now and force him to deal with it, even though it’s the worst possible time?
We have young children. I’m financially dependent on him. The suicidal feelings are very real and not empty threats. This could genuinely end him. But I am in so much pain too.

@lughnasadh

He's manipulative.

People who mean to kill themselves just do.

It's utterly tiresome listening to 'suicidal feelings' which last decades but astonishingly end in nothing but control over the others around them.

That’s what I was thinking

You are appeasing him by suppressing your pain - to your detriment - in order to avoid his unreasonable reaction and his unreasonable desire not to face the full consequences of his actions. I suspect you've been doing that for a long time. Up to you how much longer you continue to do it for.

For Gods sake and the sake of those small children, find the money and contact a therapist tomorrow. Do it.

Get yourself to therapy (I mean it kn nice way). You need someone to offload to and ease your burden of supporting him

@LemonBar

I dont know of any insurance that pays out for suicide..happy to be corrected though.

A lot do after a certain time, so for example you have to have the policy for a year and then they'll pay out

Actually I would bet a significant amount of money that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an issue here. Even from the limited amount you've written.

These people don't change except in exceptional circumstances. The professional advice is to run in the opposite direction. They do terrible harm and are clever enough that you don't really realise how abnormal their behaviour is. You can't change them. And you will have depression if that is what he has - it is very likely to lift, in fact, once you are away from him.

It is not right to tell someone something you know will cause them to die.

A very simple view of your sad, and difficult situation.
I wish you well.

It’s a difficult one but you are not his therapist and you are not responsible for the choices he has made or any he may continue to make. Are you meant to just suffer yourself to protect him? I wouldn’t.

What I believe is in their best interests is an emotionally stable, alive, present father. It is possible that with sufficient therapy he could be this. What I think is in the kids’ worst interests is losing their dad to suicide and being raised by their mother (me) who has chronic depression and suicidal tendencies of her own.

You are looking at the extremes here. Both unlikely.

No wonder your MH is bad living with years and years of this.

I suspect the most likely scenario is you leave him, he is helped by the professionals now very active in his life, your MH improves dramatically when you are no longer responsible for him, your children are much happier, he eventually becomes stable enough to have the children visit / stay, they build a bond, you get a bit of time to yourself every other weekend.

You both nees therapy, seperately. Look for reading material about establishing boundaries.

Dont commit to anything, just take it one day at a time.

Speak to the professional not amateurs on here

Sorry you’re in such a sad situation. Reading your post I got the sense that you are holding out for a fundamental change in your sh’s behaviour following therapy/interventions. Most major metal health issues never go away (although they can be managed to some extent) so bottling it up for when your dh is in a better place isn’t going to work. Plus, cheating and then threatening you into being okay with it isn’t a pattern of behaviour that is going to take you or your dh into a better headspace.

-You are actually is an extremely emotionally abusive relationship. The fact that he can use his mental health to trap you while at the same time cheating on you is a huge betrayal. I also think that by being effectively trapped from having your own emotions validated and even just heard is inadvertently seriously damaging you.-
Totally agree with this comment. I have been in a similar situation with a now ex partner. What about your feelings in all this ?
I would suggest you also look into support for yourself and explore why you want to stay in this extremely damaging relationship.

Have you considered some counselling for yourself to help you deal with your own feelings?

@gingerwhinger0

-You are actually is an extremely emotionally abusive relationship. The fact that he can use his mental health to trap you while at the same time cheating on you is a huge betrayal. I also think that by being effectively trapped from having your own emotions validated and even just heard is inadvertently seriously damaging you.- Totally agree with this comment. I have been in a similar situation with a now ex partner. What about your feelings in all this ? I would suggest you also look into support for yourself and explore why you want to stay in this extremely damaging relationship.

Bold fail. That top paragraph was from 20shadesofgreen comment.

Is there anyone else who can support him ?
A parent ?

I have been in your husbands shoes. Anonymous sex with strangers over a 12 month period as a form of self harm and self destruct, coupled with Russian roulette of paracetamol overdoses.
My husband stayed with me, has looked after me and I will never forgive myself for how much so hurt him. I am grateful every day that he saw my behaviour for what is was and not a reflection on him or our marriage.
It is 10 years later, we still argue, he still irritates the fuck out of me, but we are strong together. I find it really uncomfortable watching any tv or anything that deals with infidelity but that is my burden to bear.
I know I hurt him, I can't ever change that, likewise I can't spend the rest of my life focusing on it at it will remain an open wound. It has scabbed over and healed, there is a scar left but it makes us who we are as a partnership.
I cannot tell you which way to go with this, I can only wish you love.

Get your own MH support and talk to them. If I were you I would speak to his MH team about where you can get MH support for yourself. They will be well used to seeing partners destroyed. They can point you to support for you.

If the cheating was in some way created by/facilitated by/caused by the mental health problems then I am not sure you would get the closure/ answers you deserve etc if you confront him now.

Personally I'd find another outlet for your pain and when he is in a better place you can work out what your marriage means to you both and how to move forward.

I'd also channel some energy into building up personal strength (emotionally because your situation is so tough) and finding ways to be more financially independent if possible. E.g. can you look into work /retraining/online etc if appropriate for you?

So sorry, this is so hard. Mentally ill people can do very destructive and self destructive things. It does not excuse the behaviour.

But IMHO you need to see the big picture and work out how you will cope best, and I would imagine him being tipped over the edge in some way won't help your marriage or you in the long run.

Recently found out he has cheated on me, acting out ‘a desire to self destruct and destroy everything’.

What a bunch of manipulative, gaslighting horseshit. If you need to end your marriage, do it.

Ps I am absolutely not saying you should stay with him if you do not want to. Just that he may not be in a place to provide the answers for you at the moment.

Ask his mental health team. But having mental health issues don't excuse his behaviour. X

My mother has tried to hang herself twice, she’s been in and out of psyc wards all my life.

If your dh commits suicide - it is not your fault and you should never ever take the responsibility on of being the ‘rescuer’ or the ‘life saver’. If someone wants to kill themselves they generally do it first time round of they really mean it.

He cheated on you because he wanted to and didn’t think you would find out because if he wanted to ‘self destruct and destroy everything’ he would have told you personally.

He cheated on you and because of his depression you are not allowed to devastated. I can guarantee when he gets ‘better’ you will still not be able to talk about it because you will be accused of ‘dragging it all up when he has done so much work to heal himself’

You need to think seriously and honestly if you actually still want to be with him. You have to put YOU first because actually your the real victim in this.

If you still see yourself getting old with him then let it go. Get past it.

If you can’t see yourself in a happy future with this man then you need to start making yourself financially independent. You are well within your rights to withdraw support, you don’t have to nurse him. He cheated on you and keep reminding yourself of that.

My mother got away with so much because of her fragile mental health. She’s still alive and well despite the failed attempts and hospital admissions.

Depression Fallout’ is a brilliant book OP* and I really recommend you read it. It discusses what happens to the family unit as a whole and the spouse of the person that has depression.

Good luck and please don’t forget your allowed to feel any emotions you have right now. Your not a robot

Op

I say this kindly but he is dragging you down.

Let him Get better without your input.

Wish him well.

Get the fuck out.

He's already cheated. What else of his behaviour will you tolerate before the mH isn't a good enough reason for him acting like a prick.

Get out. Before he makes your own MH any worse than it is.

I don't know how to move this to a different section but if anyone can move it to relationships then yes, please do.
I think trying to talk to his therapist is a good idea and I will try it, although I suspect because of all the usual patient confidentiality stuff they won't really be able to discuss much with me.
I appreciate all the responses here, but some of you are way off the mark. I don't want to give full details here of the background so can't blame you for getting the wrong end of the stick. But maybe give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes?!