Sick and tired of DH and mil

[totalburnout]

Sorry I have nc for this thread but I'm sick and tired of DH and him constantly protecting his mum.

My mil is a patronising meddling bitch. She's the type of person who seems genuine and will make out as if she is caring and wants the best for us. I've fell for this many times but now see her true colours. She isn't genuine at all. She doesn't mean well. If she did mean well, she would stick her nose out of our marriage and how I raise my toddler. The problem is, she lives abroad. Can you imagine how much bullshit she says that it causes so much issues between me and DH from thousands of miles away? I'm fed up of flagging every snidy comment she makes about me undermining me as a mother. I'm fed up that my husband thinks I'm the problem. My parents have always been supportive to me and my toddler and never been a burden on us and now DH is saying that if I continue like this, he will stop talking and seeing my parents who have never overstepped any boundaries. It's always his mother that oversteps her boundaries. Just this summer she came along and stayed with us which was a fortnight of hell and I had just fed dc his lunch and I turn my back she is force feeding him pudding made out of milk that was left out the fridge for hours in direct sunlight. I called her up on it and said that it isn't safe you should ask me first, you can't just go behind my back and do this. This is how I speak to her because she doesn't get it, I've had to set clear boundaries for her as she kept on doing stupid stuff with dc especially when younger.

Again this evening, she was making snidey comments on FaceTime, again undermining my ability to be a mother to my toddler. I took the little one to the park today and made him sandwiches so we had a lovely time and picnic. My DH was updating her on how we had an amazing time out in the green and she kept on asking if we took water with us, if we fed him etc. The camera was pointing at me which at this point I said "ffs" and rolled my eyes (I know it's rude but I've gone pass that limit of being respectful) and all the way home in the car me and DH was having row saying how rude I was etc.

I'm fed up with DH and her and honestly feel like grabbing both of their heads smacking it against each other. I can't believe in 2020 there's still men like this. I can't believe my dh thinks it's ok for his mother to be like this and I should be the bigger person and show some respect. I just can't believe it. I don't know what to do. He is the nicest person, most fun and generous person ever until his mother sticks her beak. He just feels like he has to validate his life to her and he feels guilt that she's living in a different country and she doesn't get to see dc. What do I do? Divorce? Ignore her? Spread the truth out to all the extended family on how she is ruining our marriage and if she was a loving grandmother, she would ensure that her grandchild was living in a peaceful home without her causing so much shit that gets her grandchild's mum and dad to argue?

Thank you for reading my rant. I appreciate any of your responses.

If she's abroad and your husband just communicates via facetime then surely it's really easy for you to just ignore her. Just leave the room when he facetimes his mum and let them get on with it. You don't have to be there when they speak

Oh op, it could be so much worse. She’s not in the country so stay out of the room when they FaceTime. Ignore her. You’ll feel better.

Hi OP I will spare you my book about my mil experience, suffice to say she was just like yours.

Take zero shit from her. Your life, your baby, your boundaries, end of.

Have it out with her directly if you can, and leave your DH out of it. She needs to understand that she has to respect you. "This is how I look after my child, if I want your help and advice I will ask for it". Don't worry about being rude, she's a space invader and needs setting straight or she will make your life hell.

She will piss and moan to her son but she's his problem. Tell your dh you feel disrespected, if he's got anything about him, he'll stand up for you. Good luck.

I agreed just stay out the way. Have some household task to be doing in another room while Dh talks to her. Or have a headache / be tired and have to lie down. Whatever.

When she comes to stay, make sure your DH takes the time off work to entertain her. Let them have lots of quality time alone together. Go off to visit your sick granny / friend who is upset.

I'm with you allll the way on this! Also have a foreign mil who is a complete pain in the arse. I think it's almost worse as when she's here she's here for two whole weeks and I can't get away from her.

Personally I don't have any interaction now and leave it all to DH. I'd say have serious words with DH about sticking up for you....your his family and she's miles away. He can do the peace keeping and you don't have to talk to her.
Good luck

I have PIL like this. I've backed away from them now. Its a shame as it means my children don't get a chance to see their grandparents very often but I can't be undermined like that anymore. Back off, leave DH to have updates with his mother only. DH and I had some big rows about our situaton with his parents. It did make him grow up and see what his parents were really like, helped by the fact that his parents treat our children very differently to our nieces and nephews (unfavourably unfortunately). in the meantime it was a big strain on our marriage and I did have to lay my cards on the table that he either supports me and the children or his parents. I was prepared to separate over the issue as it was causing alot of stress. He now acknowledges how difficult they are and has put distancne between us as a unit and them. I would say it's taken a good few years for him to have this awakening and that it's taken alot of uncomfortable conversations to get to this point. Good luck OP

I usually don't speak to her when DH facetimes her. I tend to have a shower or read a book or spend time in my bedroom reading mn on my phone;) but today there was no way out of that call as I was holding DS. When she came over to stay for a fortnight, DH was working all day which meant that she was hanging around with me and DS. I particularly told DH to take time off work as I can't entertain his mother as dc has routines such as strict napping time etc but he still chose to book flights for her to come and see us. DH doesn't really enjoy the time he spends with her either. He just feels guilty that he left her in his home country. He plays on his phone while she's around making small talk. The small talks never end. Luckily, DS still co-sleeps with me so come 8pm, I used to take DS upstairs put him to sleep and spend the rest of the evening in bed with DS whilst watching Netflix on my iPad. I would come down after a few hours saying DS struggled to fall sleep and see both DH and mil on sofa. Mil trying to talk through a film and DH getting annoyed lol

He is such a lovely man until his mum gets all overbearing on our relationship, particularly about my child.

He is such a lovely man until his mum gets all overbearing on our relationship, particularly about my child.

What is actually happpening OP? Does your DH try and enforce/act on the stuff she says?

Read Toxic Inlaws. Refuse any future visits until you’ve seen proof he’s booked the whole duration off work. If he springs a visit on you then move out till she’s gone. Your parents sound lovely, go and visit them.

It’s not clear why he’s posting tit for tat and threatening to stop talking to your parents?

MIL might be a bitch but you know the problem if your DH. He needs to back you up, stop trying to impress his mum or fuck off.

If she asks a question like that again ‘ did you feed him?’ Just say no we thought we would leave him hungry for the day I would stop being rude and be sweetly patronising back.

I have very low contact with my MIL. She’s selfish and self absorbed so I stay away. DH thankfully understands and limits contact too

You are hugely over-reacting to a mildly irritating woman who's thousands of miles away. You don't have to engage with her but you do sound very rude.

@katy1213

You are hugely over-reacting to a mildly irritating woman who's thousands of miles away. You don't have to engage with her but you do sound very rude.

I agree. You are making the arguments happen. Out of curiosity, how old is your mil?

@katy1213

You are hugely over-reacting to a mildly irritating woman who's thousands of miles away. You don't have to engage with her but you do sound very rude.

Yes I also agree with this, how can she possibly undermine you from thousands of miles away. Why can’t u just disagree politely or laugh at her silly questions ‘isn’t nanna silly dc’ etc

I have to agree with the above posters I think you’re over reacting and were rude. Years ago she was your husbands DM her world and now she’s thousands of miles away. How would you feel if he was rude to your parents. Lead by example as when your ds grows up he may marry a woman who isn’t keen on you too.

You're letting her get to you too much. When she started asking about water etc... if just say "Don't worry MIL, we've got it all covered"... then divert the conversation back to her and how she's getting on...then you get up and leave the room.

I agree that saying FFS was rude and shows a lack of control.

This is how I speak to her because she doesn't get it

I'm getting the impression the tone you use is unpleasant too.

You’ve given one example about feeding the child something she shouldn’t and an eye roll on a FaceTime call.
From just those incidents it sounds like you’re massively overreacting to a woman who visits for 2 weeks of the year, your husbands closest relative who desperately wants to be part of your lives.
My mil used to visit from abroad for 4 weeks at a time and she never shut up. And my husband actually booked with trips when she was here. But she was my husbands mother.yes annoying, yes in your space, yes overbearing

OP, totally get you. I am in a very similar situation with a MIL abroad who has often behaved rudely, is overbearing and never learns - and a partner who always takes her side. Also have put up with total interference in parenting even when politely stood up to. It is absolutely infuriating, especially when your partner doesn't have your back. I can also hear comments like," put DGC to bed early, she is tired" coming through FaceTime and disapproval if doesn't think dinner was good enough. She is also always telling my partner he should rest and go to bed early - he is lazy and I do everything! He also reads his phone while she is chatting and is more distant with my family as "retaliation" for me complaining to him about things that have happened in the past. I feel I could have written your post in many ways. I have no advice other than - a grown man allowing the undermining of the mother of his child is toxic in the long run. Especially when you are gaslighted into being blamed for it all. People telling you you are wrong don't get it. You are being treated disrespectfully in the first place, your partner backs his mum and you have to pretend it's all fine? I don't think so!

You sound quite rude and difficult.

She might be a PITA but she’s your husband’s Mum, she obviously cares about her grandchild.

Sounds like you’ve wound yourself up a bit here and stuck in a rut.

Let it blow over you, she is far away! Just don’t be around when she facetimes- easy

Next time he books flights for her without taking time off to to entertain her himself, book your own holiday on the other side of the country (or go and stay with someone while she is there). He will soon get the message.

I agree with others. Leave the room every time he face times her. If you are put out your foot do a n and tell him no, don't face time her whilst I'm here. Tell him you will not entertain her so if he books flights for her to come over he had better spend time with her. Arrange to go out if she comes and leave him to it. If she does comment say, " That's nice, " then carry on doing what you are doing.My mum is a bit like her if I don't pull her up on it. She used to ask my dcs "Have you eaten today, what have you eaten, are you hungry?"
Then when ds1 was 18 and she called round during the day "Where is ds? Is he ok, is he safe being out of the house, how is he getting home, aren't you going to call him? You are never letting him walk home are you?"
Yes mother just like I had to walk home alone at a much younger age .

So she fed him something that you didn't want DS to have during a once a year two week stay AND she asked if you took water and snacks with you when you went for a walk.

The level of anger you're coming across as having seems hugely disproportionate. I'm sure there are other instances but if these are the two (underwhelming) examples you chose to share then tbh I think you are overreacting.
Be the bigger person. She's lost contact with her son and only sees her GS once a year. Even if she's not nice, just suck it up.

Unless your DH tries to enforce what she says, her comments mean NOTHING. I get it, I really do, it’s so annoying.. but it still means nothing. She sounds daft, and when you learn to laugh at her and ignore her you’ll be much happier.

Over reaction, OP.

She hasn't done anything too awful. Just ignore.

I agree with some others. You’re making too much of a meddlesome granny that hasn’t actually got any influence over you or your life.
You don’t like her, that much is clear...but how much she actually impacts on your life can only be minimal. Asking you if you took water to the park is so low level, I can’t believe you are bothered by it. You say ‘of course’ and roll your eyes to yourself if you must...like the rest of us do.