Sick and tired of DH and mil

[totalburnout]

Sorry I have nc for this thread but I'm sick and tired of DH and him constantly protecting his mum.

My mil is a patronising meddling bitch. She's the type of person who seems genuine and will make out as if she is caring and wants the best for us. I've fell for this many times but now see her true colours. She isn't genuine at all. She doesn't mean well. If she did mean well, she would stick her nose out of our marriage and how I raise my toddler. The problem is, she lives abroad. Can you imagine how much bullshit she says that it causes so much issues between me and DH from thousands of miles away? I'm fed up of flagging every snidy comment she makes about me undermining me as a mother. I'm fed up that my husband thinks I'm the problem. My parents have always been supportive to me and my toddler and never been a burden on us and now DH is saying that if I continue like this, he will stop talking and seeing my parents who have never overstepped any boundaries. It's always his mother that oversteps her boundaries. Just this summer she came along and stayed with us which was a fortnight of hell and I had just fed dc his lunch and I turn my back she is force feeding him pudding made out of milk that was left out the fridge for hours in direct sunlight. I called her up on it and said that it isn't safe you should ask me first, you can't just go behind my back and do this. This is how I speak to her because she doesn't get it, I've had to set clear boundaries for her as she kept on doing stupid stuff with dc especially when younger.

Again this evening, she was making snidey comments on FaceTime, again undermining my ability to be a mother to my toddler. I took the little one to the park today and made him sandwiches so we had a lovely time and picnic. My DH was updating her on how we had an amazing time out in the green and she kept on asking if we took water with us, if we fed him etc. The camera was pointing at me which at this point I said "ffs" and rolled my eyes (I know it's rude but I've gone pass that limit of being respectful) and all the way home in the car me and DH was having row saying how rude I was etc.

I'm fed up with DH and her and honestly feel like grabbing both of their heads smacking it against each other. I can't believe in 2020 there's still men like this. I can't believe my dh thinks it's ok for his mother to be like this and I should be the bigger person and show some respect. I just can't believe it. I don't know what to do. He is the nicest person, most fun and generous person ever until his mother sticks her beak. He just feels like he has to validate his life to her and he feels guilt that she's living in a different country and she doesn't get to see dc. What do I do? Divorce? Ignore her? Spread the truth out to all the extended family on how she is ruining our marriage and if she was a loving grandmother, she would ensure that her grandchild was living in a peaceful home without her causing so much shit that gets her grandchild's mum and dad to argue?

Thank you for reading my rant. I appreciate any of your responses.

@Isthisnothing

Hi op,

I have a mil living abroad who is a nasty piece of work - far far worse than yours. I don't know how to look after the baby, I'm a bad mother because I work, I'm from a bad divorced family, I don't go to church. She is actually even worse to my DP.

I have put strict rules in place about how long I will spend in her house and I avoid her questions now. He can do what he wants. I will head out alone or with our daughter and leave them to it. That hasn't helped with her opinion of me (I leave my baby!) but I don't care.

I suggest you do similar. Find a way to make it work. Your husband shouldn't have to choose between you.

I'm so sorry for your experience, I guess I shouldn't let it under my skin. I guess since being a mother myself, it kind of hurts more when being poked about liked that. The hormones and the tiredness does take a toll on my reaction. I just don't understand how my husband would feel if my parents did the same, making him feel incompetent as a father, in business etc. I just want to turn the table around for once so he could taste that feeling.

@diplodocusinermine

TBH it sounds like a huge over reaction - the bit about the milk left on the side, why did you leave it out? It sounds a bit as if she can't do right for doing wrong. She's not ruining your lives, if anyone is doing that it's you with your completely over the top reaction to very minor things. I'd be interested to know which country she's from - we have Maltese and Spanish mums in the family who would probably have said similar things about the water etc - it comes from a place of love, they are not undermining, it's just the way they are.

As your MIL lives thousands of miles away, you just need to let it go - don't alienate your DH over something so trivial. Don't roll your eyes on the camera, that was rude. Just say, yes, we had a lovely time, DC had a nice lunch and plenty to drink and then move on. As for telling the extended family, please don't - if she's like you say, they'll probably already know. If, as I think, she's a fairly normal granny, they'll think you're a bit of a loon.

Hi,

I don't think the extended family would think I'm a loon as none of the DIL's actually have any contact with their Mil's in their family. In fact they commented last time I visited how I was adaptable and how any person in their thirties would prefer to holiday but instead I'm staying at my mil's house without DH so she could spend some time with her grandchild. But again I wouldn't say anything to them.

I remember her birthday, Mother's Day, nurse day in her country as she is a retired nurse and I always send gifts. I send pictures of DS regularly and since I've been married for 3 years, I've visited and stayed over with them 6 times and 4/6 of the time it was without DH where I stayed for a fortnight with a newborn. I don't exactly leave her out of anything if anything, my DH hardly spends anytime with my parents

You need to stop this. It’s your husbands job to send her cards and gifts from the three of you. Stop visiting on your own - only go as a family or him as DS when he is older.

It’s not about leaving her out. It’s about allowing your Dh to step up any do his duty.

It’s your job to do this for your own family.

Your husband doesn't like her either but sticks up for her. That is strange isn't it?

From your post about going over to visit her six times and sending photos etc, I think you are doing far too much. You have been a bit of a doormat even?

Neither of them appreciate you and your husband is using you as a kind of shield.

If I were you I would completely stop sending photos etc for a start. After all if you are such a crap mum then you won't send photos to relatives will you? Also, it is your husband who should do this for his family! Let him appreciate the work you do.

Do not ever visit her again by yourself! Crazy stuff. Just do not do it. If you husband is so concerned about his mother's relationship with his child let him sort out a visit.

And absolutely refuse to have her over when dh is at work! I mean that is just outrageous.

Your husband has been a cheeky bastard. He needs to stop being so critical while letting you deal with all the work and the shit.

And get off FaceTime!!!!!! Just remove yourself from the whole situation and relationship. His mother, his problem.

I sympathise with you, but you do have to have a relationship with your mil and its only fair she has one with you DC too, so I suppose it's about making it work for you.

Three points:

1. I have a rule I use about taking the moral high ground. I.e. however rude or unpleasant someone else is, I will behave in a dignified way and not stoop to their level. Try it, it's very powerful. You can state what you want politely and clearly. Be assertive. You don't have to explain or excuse yourself or apportion blame. Just say " I'd like ....."

1. Are you maybe feeling the need to control everything your toddler does, eats etc? It's only natural. I was the same with my first - everyone else did it wrong. But actually, they aren't necessarily wrong. They may just have a different viewpoint. Consider how harmful your mil actions are in the greater scheme of things. Gone off milk - not a good idea. But lots of things won't do any harm. I realised when my dd went to school that I could no longer completely control what she ate, for example. Being a parent is 18 plus years of gradually losing control. My oldest is 20 now and frequently eats rubbish, but I can only advise, not stop her.

1. Talk to you DH in a reasonable way, and listen to his point of view. He wants a relationship with her and you can decide together how to make that work better. But remember it's a sensitive issue for him so don't criticise her, explain how she impacts on you.

@S00LA if Covid disappears towards the summer fingers crossed, I have made it very clear that he either comes with us or we don't go at all and for him to not EVER think he could bring her and dump the entertainment duty on me while he goes off to work!

@Sundance2741 thank you for your comment. I don't believe I'm a total control freak when it comes to DS, if anything I am more relaxed. I allowed anyone to hold him, I took him to family engagements it's just my mil feels she has a right to feed my child. My mother always asks if he is hungry or if he would like fruit I would either say yes or no but I've never caught her force feeding DS. She always asks. Ok it's not a big issue but she took out a pudding made out of milk out the fridge and put it in direct sunlight. I thought she was going to eat it herself so never questioned it. Hours went by and after lunch time I turned my back she was force feeding DS who then spat it out. I've never in my life have ever fed a child and wouldn't want to take that responsibility just in case they choke or have some sort of reaction. My friend has two young children and when one was being potty trained she would leave me with her second toddler and go off with the first one so he could poo. She would ask if I would mind watching out for him. I would never stick food in his mouth or take that responsibility. I would tell my friend we have all this food your toddlers can eat just help yourself or look I have prepared this food for my own DS and help yourself to feed your little ones if they're hungry. My mother never wants to feed DS even though she has looked after 4 of her own by herself. She just tells me she gets scared and wouldn't want to take that responsibility. But mil on the other hand, would force a whole grape in his mouth it's just why the f would you do that? Why do you need to see it's your responsibility to feed him? His not hungry or when DS was an infant he was having his nap and I would go off having a shower and see he has woken up with a different nappy! It's clear that you have woken him up just so you could change his nappy as 1) the nappy in the bin isn't dirty and 2) 10 mins ago he was fast asleep before I went for a shower and I didn't hear him cry.

OK maybe playing Devil's advocate here. Could it be a cultural thing? I'm from a Mediterranean / Middle Eastern country and families are very close and in each other's business a lot and parents will always treat you like a kid however old you are.
I've got a daughter with a Brit. My parents love him to bits and utterly adore their granddaughter. They think we're excellent parents. But they'll say things like (via Skype) is "daughter" warm enough? Did you buy her gloves? Why are you just giving her bread for lunch! Shall I travel and come and feed her properly? Etc. They are half joking and consider both of us to be very good parents but they can't help slipping into the role of parents themselves and treating my husband and I like children playing house. I find it endearing and we laugh it off. My husband understands where that's coming from but I think that it did puzzle him at first. His own mother is very hands off. But he knows my parents care about him and think the world of him... Do you feel it's particularly directed at you not both of you? Do you feel there's malicious intent? Would you consider that it might just be the way things are where she lives? Doesn't mean you should accept everything but it might be that you don't have to feel targeted and can just smile nod and brush off...

The one red line I'd have here is discussion and mutual agreement on her visits.

When she came over to stay for a fortnight, DH was working all day which meant that she was hanging around with me and DS. I particularly told DH to take time off work as I can't entertain his mother as dc has routines such as strict napping time etc but he still chose to book flights for her to come and see us.

Oh no no no.

I think one thing you need to do is say very nicely and politely but very very clearly to your DH is that if he ever goes over your head and books dates for his mother to visit without a. your agreement on dates and length of stay and b. 100% committment to being the person responsible for entertaining his mother - booking time off etc - then you will simply go away, with DS, for the entire duration of the visit and leave them to it.

@YoniAndGuy 💪💪💪👏👏👏

@AbiBrown

OK maybe playing Devil's advocate here. Could it be a cultural thing? I'm from a Mediterranean / Middle Eastern country and families are very close and in each other's business a lot and parents will always treat you like a kid however old you are. I've got a daughter with a Brit. My parents love him to bits and utterly adore their granddaughter. They think we're excellent parents. But they'll say things like (via Skype) is "daughter" warm enough? Did you buy her gloves? Why are you just giving her bread for lunch! Shall I travel and come and feed her properly? Etc. They are half joking and consider both of us to be very good parents but they can't help slipping into the role of parents themselves and treating my husband and I like children playing house. I find it endearing and we laugh it off. My husband understands where that's coming from but I think that it did puzzle him at first. His own mother is very hands off. But he knows my parents care about him and think the world of him... Do you feel it's particularly directed at you not both of you? Do you feel there's malicious intent? Would you consider that it might just be the way things are where she lives? Doesn't mean you should accept everything but it might be that you don't have to feel targeted and can just smile nod and brush off...

Hi,

I feel as if it's directed at me because she will never dare to stick her nose in dh's or her other single sons business. I totally relate to you comment and believe their is a cultural clash but I'm not her child for her to judge me if I'm a responsible adult or not. She respects her sons boundaries but not mine and my ds's. I married in my early 30's and had my first towards my mid 30's. I'm educated and have a very good career and have been a responsible person standing on my two feet before her son even walked into my life. My parents respect me and the choices I make but honestly, who is she to undermine me? She just oversteps and is far too involved making stupid comments. I stand out of their way when they FaceTime but hear the conversations around the house. Of course this is comes down to DH and always has done from the beginning. I've never struggled with anyone in my life whether friends or colleagues when putting boundaries as I have struggled with her because she simply doesn't get it.

Is she Turkish by any chance?

It sounds to me like you’ve gone above and beyond and this hasn’t been recognised, and now you’re so angry about it you can’t let any of it go. You went to stay with her on your own, just so she could see the baby, and thought she and your husband would understand the effort you went to. Unfortunately this effort wasn’t recognised and you resent it.

Let it go, OP. You did a nice thing, you tried your best. You’ve done enough. If it wasn’t appreciated you can only know not to bother in the future. But don’t let it get to you.

It must be upsetting that your husband hasn’t recognised the effort. I think you can point out the things you have done and that he has never been expected to do that for your family. And please let him manage his own relationships from now on. It’s his duty.

@Zerrin13 hi no she's from the Middle East but currently lives in North America but I guess they're quite similar.

@TerribleLizard thank you for recognising this. You have really put it down from word to word exactly how I feel and exactly what I will be doing in the future.

Pmsl the posters slating OP for being rude and difficult. You have no idea, count yourselves lucky and go back to AIBU.

I get it . I’m in the same position . My MIL is a nasty two faced spiteful bitch . We moved to the other side of the world , when she comes to stay it is for a month at a time . I dread it and so do my DC .Thank god border closures have put paid to that this year .
As far as FaceTime goes , just take yourself away out of the room , where you can’t hear the conversation . No point in listening when you know you are going to hear stuff that winds you up .
My DH is diplomatic , he doesn’t side with either of us , tho on the few times I know where he has said anything , it’s been in my defence . He too doesn’t enjoy spending too much time with her .
Her last visit we totally ignored each other , like the other didn’t exist, for two weeks,it was pretty shit . I only apologised after he told me how awful he’d feel if she went home and something happened and he didn’t see her again, and know what a horrible time she would have had on her last visit . I bit my lip and apologised for my attitude and she gave me a filthy look and said ‘ thank you , I was waiting for that ‘ Fucking hell , never wanted to smack anyone so bad .
So yep , I understand , but like I say , just make yourself scarce when you see she’s calling , you’ll feel so much better . It will also save you the arguments with DH . Win win