Sick and tired of DH and mil

[totalburnout]

Sorry I have nc for this thread but I'm sick and tired of DH and him constantly protecting his mum.

My mil is a patronising meddling bitch. She's the type of person who seems genuine and will make out as if she is caring and wants the best for us. I've fell for this many times but now see her true colours. She isn't genuine at all. She doesn't mean well. If she did mean well, she would stick her nose out of our marriage and how I raise my toddler. The problem is, she lives abroad. Can you imagine how much bullshit she says that it causes so much issues between me and DH from thousands of miles away? I'm fed up of flagging every snidy comment she makes about me undermining me as a mother. I'm fed up that my husband thinks I'm the problem. My parents have always been supportive to me and my toddler and never been a burden on us and now DH is saying that if I continue like this, he will stop talking and seeing my parents who have never overstepped any boundaries. It's always his mother that oversteps her boundaries. Just this summer she came along and stayed with us which was a fortnight of hell and I had just fed dc his lunch and I turn my back she is force feeding him pudding made out of milk that was left out the fridge for hours in direct sunlight. I called her up on it and said that it isn't safe you should ask me first, you can't just go behind my back and do this. This is how I speak to her because she doesn't get it, I've had to set clear boundaries for her as she kept on doing stupid stuff with dc especially when younger.

Again this evening, she was making snidey comments on FaceTime, again undermining my ability to be a mother to my toddler. I took the little one to the park today and made him sandwiches so we had a lovely time and picnic. My DH was updating her on how we had an amazing time out in the green and she kept on asking if we took water with us, if we fed him etc. The camera was pointing at me which at this point I said "ffs" and rolled my eyes (I know it's rude but I've gone pass that limit of being respectful) and all the way home in the car me and DH was having row saying how rude I was etc.

I'm fed up with DH and her and honestly feel like grabbing both of their heads smacking it against each other. I can't believe in 2020 there's still men like this. I can't believe my dh thinks it's ok for his mother to be like this and I should be the bigger person and show some respect. I just can't believe it. I don't know what to do. He is the nicest person, most fun and generous person ever until his mother sticks her beak. He just feels like he has to validate his life to her and he feels guilt that she's living in a different country and she doesn't get to see dc. What do I do? Divorce? Ignore her? Spread the truth out to all the extended family on how she is ruining our marriage and if she was a loving grandmother, she would ensure that her grandchild was living in a peaceful home without her causing so much shit that gets her grandchild's mum and dad to argue?

Thank you for reading my rant. I appreciate any of your responses.

There are a couple of things jumping out in your posts OP. The strict napping schedule. Feeding something you didn't approve of. Cosleeping with the baby and taking yourself off to bed at 8pm. You sound very controlling of your DC and like you do not take kindly to anything you perceive as criticism.

My own mum is hard work, difficult and comes out with a lot of nonsense. After 40 years of it, I let most of it wash over me. But at times I will argue with her. Of course, I will complain to my DH about what she is like. My DH generally leaves me to deal with her. But if he ever says a word against my mum, I will not stand for it. Same with MIL. I generally don't have a lot in common with her. But she is my DH's mother and it is not for me to badmouth her to my DH.

Sorry, I do think you're overreacting a little bit. She probably feels like "second-best" grandparent and that makes her critical and defensive. I do get how annoying it is though... My MIL, although basically a lovely person, has a tendency to comment on everything that was different/she did differently when she was raising DH. So DH was completely potty-trained and sat nicely at table by age 2, never watched any TV and only had a wooden cup and spoon for toys. I've learnt the best thing is just to nod politely and let her deal with DS how she likes when we visit (though keeping an eye for safety). Funnily enough, the TV gets switched on after a while so she can tidy the kitchen after DS has rifled her cupboards and thrown the rice and pasta he was given to play with around the room. Also, a large number of toys that apparently used to be DH's have emerged for DS to play with when we visit .

You sound rude and unreasonable. Yes she’s possibly a bit of a pain in the arse but she’s hundreds of miles away and your husband’s mum. Stop being a misery and make a bit of an effort for your husbands sake.

Unless this is a drip feed and there are other examples, to be honest you come across as the rude and overbearing one. Rolling your eyes and saying ffs, I don't blame your husband for being embarrassed or annoyed.

The example you give of what she said on FaceTime, did you feed him and give him water? couldn’t you just say haha yes of course and change the subject? It doesn’t sound that bad just fussy and thoughtless.

How many times a year does she stay with you? If it’s only once a year and the odd FaceTime call, can’t you just bear it or ignore it or get out of the way?

You are hugely over-reacting to a mildly irritating woman who's thousands of miles away. You don't have to engage with her but you do sound very rude.

This - I have a similar (now ex) MIL who we still keep in contact with and see as despite her annoyances (many of them cultural - very old fashioned views on child rearing) as she does adore the dc and they like her. I was like you with DD1 and it was so stressful. I later realised it was needles and learned to just humour her. It's no skin off my nose if she thinks I'm doing things differently or thinks I agree with her when I absolutely don't. You don't even need to be around for calls but if you are just humour and laugh about the ridiculousness afterwards. 2 weeks a year isn't a big deal and the odd pudding won't hurt your dc. Just say 'sorry mil that milk is off (not sure why you had milk on the side in the sun for hours when you were in the room) you can use this one but he might be full ' and hand the fresh bottle of milk ... You've got your self at the stage where in your head everything is a constant battle and it's making you over react to the small stuff. You're only stressing yourself.

Hi op,

I have a mil living abroad who is a nasty piece of work - far far worse than yours. I don't know how to look after the baby, I'm a bad mother because I work, I'm from a bad divorced family, I don't go to church. She is actually even worse to my DP.

I have put strict rules in place about how long I will spend in her house and I avoid her questions now. He can do what he wants. I will head out alone or with our daughter and leave them to it. That hasn't helped with her opinion of me (I leave my baby!) but I don't care.

I suggest you do similar. Find a way to make it work. Your husband shouldn't have to choose between you.

@katy1213

You are hugely over-reacting to a mildly irritating woman who's thousands of miles away. You don't have to engage with her but you do sound very rude.

This.

She is your husband’s mum. She loves him every bit as much as you love your baby - and he probably loves her in the way you hope your child will love you. She is thousands of miles away and desperately wants to be a part of her grandchild’s life.

My mum is in the same position - both of my brothers and all of her grandchildren are on the other side of the world. I bet it is really annoying at time when she visits. I know she can get over-involved with my nephews loves and I am certain that my SiLs sometimes wish she would back off. But it all comes from a place of love, they understand that, and are kind, empathetic and patient with her and my dad. And for that they will have my undying respect and gratitude.

If you can’t be nice, just keep your distance. You may find that over time you find her easier to bear. And give your DH a break - it can’t be easy being stuck in the middle.

It does sound like you’re overreacting, OP. I was also struck that upthread you said “my” toddler. Your DC is also your husband’s toddler and your MIL’s grandchild. And the grandparent/grandchild relationship can be of great value in a family.

You do sound overly controlling and angry about things - it’s natural for grandchildren to want to play with and feed their grandchildren when they’re around and she’s actually with you for so little time. In my experience, grandparents love their GCs to bits. Yes, they may have different views on child-rearing (many do) but you can handle those with humour - or at least less anger - and also you may find she is right about some things. Of course you’re going to be irritated for time to time but it really does sound like you’re overreacting here and showing absolutely no empathy for your MIL’s position at all, or even your DH’s.

Maybe she has a point...

You refer to dc as "my child", unless your dh is not his father then he's "our" child.

You go to bed at 8pm every night and co sleep with your dc, where is your husband every evening? Do you spend any time together as a couple? Or is he just on FT every night to his mum...

You sound a bit controlling and very much consumed by your dc, he's probably moaned to her because she's his mum and she can see it for herself when she visits. Plus you're rude to her because she dares question anything you do, I'm not surprised he gets annoyed!

@amillionwishes

Maybe she has a point...

You refer to dc as "my child", unless your dh is not his father then he's "our" child.

You go to bed at 8pm every night and co sleep with your dc, where is your husband every evening? Do you spend any time together as a couple? Or is he just on FT every night to his mum...

You sound a bit controlling and very much consumed by your dc, he's probably moaned to her because she's his mum and she can see it for herself when she visits. Plus you're rude to her because she dares question anything you do, I'm not surprised he gets annoyed!

I’m not fond of conjecture on here but admittedly this would fit.

@SoulofanAggron

He is such a lovely man until his mum gets all overbearing on our relationship, particularly about my child.

What is actually happpening OP? Does your DH try and enforce/act on the stuff she says?

Hi thank you for your comment. I think he does act on it and she does it very discreetly that you can't backtrack it! I only know this because there were times when she was being thoughtful (in my DH's words) and when she suggested that we should go on a couples holiday and leave DS with her. DS was only 6 months old then and was bf! This discussion led to a row and how I was being unappreciative to her thoughtfulness which then turned into my DH suggesting we take mil with us on holiday. So out of nowhere she comes up with a suggestion which then leads us to having a row and my DH doesn't see through this how her "thoughtfulness" her suggestions impacts our marriage.

@TidyOmlette

If she asks a question like that again ‘ did you feed him?’ Just say no we thought we would leave him hungry for the day I would stop being rude and be sweetly patronising back.

I have very low contact with my MIL. She’s selfish and self absorbed so I stay away. DH thankfully understands and limits contact too

You're lucky that your DH sees through your mil! I just wish my own DH would see through this one day without it being too late for us. I will give that sort of response next time ;)

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion thank you. she is about 66

@Postmysecret

I have to agree with the above posters I think you’re over reacting and were rude. Years ago she was your husbands DM her world and now she’s thousands of miles away. How would you feel if he was rude to your parents. Lead by example as when your ds grows up he may marry a woman who isn’t keen on you too.

I do think about this especially me potentially becoming a mil myself in the future. I don't think I will ever try to get involved. I would try to adopt my parents' strategy, won't get involved but we are here to support whenever you need it.

@SandyY2K

You're letting her get to you too much. When she started asking about water etc... if just say "Don't worry MIL, we've got it all covered"... then divert the conversation back to her and how she's getting on...then you get up and leave the room.

I agree that saying FFS was rude and shows a lack of control.

This is how I speak to her because she doesn't get it

I'm getting the impression the tone you use is unpleasant too.

Hi thank you for replying. I was never like this before and I'm aware I should have more control over my response but she's so damn overbearing.

TBH it sounds like a huge over reaction - the bit about the milk left on the side, why did you leave it out? It sounds a bit as if she can't do right for doing wrong. She's not ruining your lives, if anyone is doing that it's you with your completely over the top reaction to very minor things. I'd be interested to know which country she's from - we have Maltese and Spanish mums in the family who would probably have said similar things about the water etc - it comes from a place of love, they are not undermining, it's just the way they are.

As your MIL lives thousands of miles away, you just need to let it go - don't alienate your DH over something so trivial. Don't roll your eyes on the camera, that was rude. Just say, yes, we had a lovely time, DC had a nice lunch and plenty to drink and then move on. As for telling the extended family, please don't - if she's like you say, they'll probably already know. If, as I think, she's a fairly normal granny, they'll think you're a bit of a loon.

You are making excuses about why you NEED to be involved with these dramas.

Why did you need to hold your child for the ohone call ? He’s a toddler, can’t he sit / stand on his own? Doesn’t your husband have arms ?

Why do you stay home and entertain his mum while he goes to work ? Do what @AnneLovesGilbert said. If he arranged Visits without your agreement, go to your parents.

If he sits on his phone while you have to entertain her, go and do some household task in another room. Iron while watching Netflix on your phone .

You keep having rows with him because you are trying to talk him round to see things from your point of view. It won’t work, because the current situation suits him just fine.

He feels guilty about his mum but he CBA to do the work to spend time with her. So he sets it up so YOU have to do the work and then attacks you when you complain.

You need to stop TALKING and start DOING.

Do you work outside the home? If not I suggest you get back to work . You shouldn’t be financially dependent on this rather selfish man who isn’t putting you and his DS first in his life.

Other posters are berating you because of the way you speak about your MIL. I think that’s a little unfair, because you are obviously very upset about the situation. You sounds frustrated and powerless, because whatever you agree with your DH, he goes and does the opposite.

I think your frustration with your DH is making you angry at your MIL. Because he is actually your problem and not your MIL. This is all about him and his guilt and the way he wants you to do his emotional labour for him.

He’s being lazy, and dishonest and unfair with you. But you understandably find it easier to blame MIL than him. You want to keep believing he’s a lovely man and not a selfish arse.

Many MILs are like this. I'd ignore it, personally, definitely not "have it out" with her. Obviously, if she gives a child inappropriate food or whatever, say something - in the same way that you would if a friend or your mother did it. Not ruder. If she asks if I took water out for a child on a day out, I would let her son answer. In fact, let him answer all questions like that.

Also, it is not right that she stayed two weeks and your husband did not take time off work. I would tell him that unless he is prepared to spend time with her she cannot come and stay. He doesn't have to take the whole time off but of course you don't want to have a fortnight with her by yourself.

@Joynot I sometimes wish she lived close by then I could just send dh and DS to her for a couple of hours instead of having her over for a fortnight.

@Nipoleon all I ask for DH is to manage the relationship as "oh dm, don't be so silly, my wife is doing the best. She's the best mum" or "oh dm, what are you trying to imply that we are shit parents? This is so hurtful" etc instead of me having to eye roll where it's so obvious as pp have pointed that I'm losing control over my reactions. I've just got to a point where whenever I hear the "dididididideep" tone on FaceTime connecting the calls as it sends shivers to my spine wondering what bitchy comment I'm going to bear for the day. I'm so tired of this.

@Cinderellashoes

Unless your DH tries to enforce what she says, her comments mean NOTHING. I get it, I really do, it’s so annoying.. but it still means nothing. She sounds daft, and when you learn to laugh at her and ignore her you’ll be much happier.

I'm hoping I get to that stage 🤞to start laughing every time she opens her mouth because every time she does, it's always something daft she blurts out.

@MessAllOver

Sorry, I do think you're overreacting a little bit. She probably feels like "second-best" grandparent and that makes her critical and defensive. I do get how annoying it is though... My MIL, although basically a lovely person, has a tendency to comment on everything that was different/she did differently when she was raising DH. So DH was completely potty-trained and sat nicely at table by age 2, never watched any TV and only had a wooden cup and spoon for toys. I've learnt the best thing is just to nod politely and let her deal with DS how she likes when we visit (though keeping an eye for safety). Funnily enough, the TV gets switched on after a while so she can tidy the kitchen after DS has rifled her cupboards and thrown the rice and pasta he was given to play with around the room. Also, a large number of toys that apparently used to be DH's have emerged for DS to play with when we visit .

😊😊😊 that's so sweet

@Peace43

You sound rude and unreasonable. Yes she’s possibly a bit of a pain in the arse but she’s hundreds of miles away and your husband’s mum. Stop being a misery and make a bit of an effort for your husbands sake.

I do make so much effort with her. I remember her birthday, Mother's Day, nurse day in her country as she is a retired nurse and I always send gifts. I send pictures of DS regularly and since I've been married for 3 years, I've visited and stayed over with them 6 times and 4/6 of the time it was without DH where I stayed for a fortnight with a newborn. I don't exactly leave her out of anything if anything, my DH hardly spends anytime with my parents.

The problem here is your dh. He is allowing this. You are so lucky though she lives in another country.