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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He thinks I've made him poor

64 replies

Weusedtosing · 20/11/2020 15:01

He hasn't said this outright but it has been implied by a few off-hand remarks.
I fell pregnant very unexpectedly whilst on the contraceptive pill 8 years ago. I lived in rental accommodation with a friend at the time and DH lived alone in his large house which had been largely funded by his affluent parents. My parents are quite poor and so have never helped financially.
He pushed for me to move in with him as soon as possible, despite me telling him that I would be willing to bring the baby up on my own etc as I knew he was in shock at the pregnancy (as we both were).
We both had good jobs and earned a fairly good salary. DC1 came along and I took 9 months maternity leave before returning to work full-time.
I worked in a fast-paced, demanding career and to top it off, was bullied on my return to work. I sought counselling due to a nervous breakdown and they suggested that I reduce my hours to part-time to cope with the juggle of work and home life. DH was clearly not happy about this and became concerned about the reduction in our "quality" of life. Despite my quality of life being awful at that time.
However, he went along with it, but would protest that he should have more disposable income than me because I "wasn't working enough." I was at home with a baby on the days I wasn't working and spending most of my disposable income on the baby anyway.
2 years on (married by this point) we had DC2 who was planned.
I changed to a new job after the bullying continued and DC2 was born with some health issues. I accepted a more part-time role, with a reduced salary in a new job for a second time as I was juggling appointments and was more anxious about leaving DC2 in childcare than I had been with DC1. I did continue to work however and dealt with everything at home so DH could just focus on his work.
He has always resented this and thinks I should have been able to manage working and home life. DH however does very little at home.
DH has made comments that we would have more money if it were up to him etc. He will also say that I would have nothing now if it wasn't for him as I was in rental accommodation when I met him. I was however more career driven that him and have no doubt that I would have had promotions and salary increases had we not had children.

I am now initiating divorce from him (several reasons for this) and he has told me that he has a plan for himself to make more money following the separation. He says that he will not be purchasing a home for himself but intends to move in with his affluent parents, buying run down properties and "doing them up" in his own time himself. This is to try and make more money, however he's chosen this path over creating a second stable home for DCs when they stay with him (he wants 50/50 custody!) He seems to think that his parents will accept the DCs living with them half the time and I've no doubt he will expect them to take care of DCs whilst he transforms all these properties he's planning on renovating.
He has made comments that he feels envious of his friends who seem to have better jobs and salaries than him and that he thought he would be much better off financially than he actually is now. He wants to be affluent likes his parents who both juggled FT work through having their own successful businesses throughout his childhood.
He makes me feel guilty for feeling the need to be around for our young children. I will be returning to work FT in January as both DCs are now at school.
I'm a bit saddened by his attitude and his clear lack of value for the role I've played in our family,but there's guilt there for me too. Maybe I have made him poorer through the choices I've made. I thought there was more to life though.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/11/2020 15:07

Am not at all surprised you are now divorcing him.

And these types of men too always demand 50/50 (probably as a ruse to try to dodge child maintenance). I think he is saying this to try and further hurt you emotionally; he has no real intention whatsoever of actually caring for his kids three days each week. All he cares about is his own self and amassing as much money as possible.

Aerial2020 · 20/11/2020 15:07

I can see why you're divorcing him What an unsupportive bully. You must be exhausted with everything being 'your fault'.
And how did he manage his full time job with childcare or was it all down to you to do both?
He sounds vile. They are his children too and not objects.

AbbieLexie · 20/11/2020 15:11

Flowers I'm relieved to read you are divorcing him. Please ensure you get and take everything you are entitled to.

Aerial2020 · 20/11/2020 15:14

Also, these entitled men don't look at the big picture. If he treats his children like they are assets to be used in the divorce, he will not have a close relationship with them because as they grow they will learn it is you that they will go to for support.
Keep nurturing your relationship with your kids. Money won't keep him company when he's old and has no one.
Just a thought.
I hope you've got some good friends and support for yourself to help you get through this.

Lollypop701 · 20/11/2020 15:17

You enriched his life with children and supported his career. He is an idiot. Just be glad you’re getting rid, I’m sure you will be more successful and happy on your own. Please make sure you record all the days he has them.... once the novelty wears off I bet it’s not 50-50, and as others have said it’s just not wanting to pay maintenance so you may need ‘proof’ at some point!

JurassicParkAha · 20/11/2020 15:18

You should not be feeling any guilt or upset over his pointless, callous comments, especially since you're divorcing him now. Unless you held a gun to his head, he made the choices he did, and cannot now blame anyone but himself. He's entitled, selfish and a bad father and husband, so really his opinion matters not one jot.

However, I would ask you, why you both planned DC2 when you were both already struggling (you with the job, him feeling resentful over lack of money, and your relationship troubled)? Surely, you must have known that wouldn't help with your financial troubles, if he was bleating on about it then. Or your future career prospects, if that's what you wanted.

Rather than spend one minute more, thinking about your selfish husband, I would now put thought into how you can re-focus on your career, and give your children a better life as co-parents, than they had when you were both married.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2020 15:18

I don't know what these "other reasons" you are divorcing him for but I would be getting shut for the ones you have outlined here.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 20/11/2020 15:20

Bloody hell, we would all be more financially affluent if we didn't have children, but we do, planned or unplanned. Time to stop giving him headspace and start planning your wonderful future without him. Leave him to his envy and don't let him make you feel guilty

HotSince63 · 20/11/2020 15:26

I got to this bit > I am now initiating divorce from him, and thought thank fuck for that.

My advice FWIW, is to get the biggest lump sum you can in the financial settlement.

This sounds like he's going to try and pay you as little as possible with regards to child maintenance and I'd fully expect him to quit his job as soon as he is living rent free with his parents, and his new 'full time job' will be the property renovation - and he will find a way to show that it makes as little official profit as possible, thereby paying you the bare minimum he can get away with towards his children.

SameToo · 20/11/2020 15:29

You’ve made the right choice divorcing him. He chose to stay with you, marry you and have another child so he can fuck off blaming you for not having enough money. He’s responsible for his choices not you.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/11/2020 15:32

I hope your getting something out of the divorce

If he hasn't looked after his own children regularly he might be in for a suprise

Make sure its written down he is responsible for childcare costs on "his time" because I've heard of people getting stung

MoonJelly · 20/11/2020 15:33

You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. Does he really think his children came into existence with no contribution from him? Or that they could be looked after with no change in your circumstances? I'd love him to explain how, if so.

Congratulations on getting rid of this idiot.

PandemicImpact · 20/11/2020 15:33

What a tosser.

Glad you are getting rid. As PP said - sounds like he will try and get out of paying any maintenance so be prepared.

Dowermouse · 20/11/2020 15:33

Well done for getting married so you can reclaim what you are worth from the divorce. Good luck.

FredtheFerret · 20/11/2020 15:36

Does it matter what he thinks? You are divorcing him, pretty much, because of the way he thinks which has led to his shitty behaviour.

You'll never change his mind.

DSsnmum · 20/11/2020 15:36

You have definitely made the right choice! Fight him on the 50/50 custody share and get as much money out of him as you can in your settlement. As your kids get older they will realise what he is like themselves. He’ll be old and lonely. When my grandfather passed away (my dad’s stepdad) he had hundreds of thousands in the bank but no one other than my Nana was sad to see him go. He put money first his whole life but had no relationship with any of his family and has no use for his big bank account now! There’s so much more to life.

Holothane · 20/11/2020 15:49

Get as much money as you can out of the selfish bastard for you and the children.💐💐💐

dottiedodah · 20/11/2020 15:56

You know I never understand men like this .Of course they would be better off FINANCIALLY but would have no family! He sounds like a lot of other blokes collectively known as dickheads! You are well rid of him I think.

MyOwnSummer · 20/11/2020 15:59

It's hard to get an objective view of things when you're bent over, determinedly staring up your own arsehole.

Tell him to stop huffing the farts, stand up straight and the fresh air will do him wonders.

Twat. Good on you for getting rid. And I second PP who say - get as big a lump sum as you can, because you can bet your bottom dollar he''ll do everything to avoid maintenance.

dottiedodah · 20/11/2020 16:00

Hotsince 63 This exact thing happened to my friend! Didnt know it was a thing until then .

NoSquirrels · 20/11/2020 16:03

@AnyFucker

I don't know what these "other reasons" you are divorcing him for but I would be getting shut for the ones you have outlined here.
Seconded.

I was very relieved to get to the end of your post and see you’re divorcing.

You can’t change his attitude. You can change your reaction to it.

KatherineJaneway · 20/11/2020 16:11

Sounds to me like you are incompatible in the very basics of your life values / outlook and I doubt your relationship would have survived if you had not accidentally become pregnant.

YouokHun · 20/11/2020 16:26

I am now initiating divorce from him (several reasons for this) and he has told me that he has a plan for himself to make more money following the separation. He says that he will not be purchasing a home for himself but intends to move in with his affluent parents, buying run down properties and "doing them up" in his own time himself. This is to try and make more money

I’m glad you’re divorcing him, he sounds an entitled and spoilt manchild. Did he tell you of his plans verbally or did he write them down? If it was verbal that’s a pity because I expect he’s going to hook out of a number of responsibilities so it would be nice to have his plans laid out in writing! I’m sure he’s not that daft.

Have his parents traditionally given him lots of money? I expect they’ll be buying the properties and then giving him money by “giving him an official loan” so he looks like he’s got even less cash to contribute to the raising of his children. Seen this kind of thing before.

2bazookas · 20/11/2020 16:35

You no longer need to take any interest in his feelings, motives, career etc . He's history.

If he wants to dump his child custody time on his parents, in their affluent comfortable home, I'm sure that's far more beneficial to your DC than if they had to endure the pathetic lack of care and attention they usually receive from their father , while sharing a building site with him.

FangsForTheMemory · 20/11/2020 16:36

I heaved a sigh of relief when you said you were divorcing him! You haven’t made him poorer: his problem is he doesn’t see children and a family as enriching his life. Entirely his issue.