He thinks I've made him poor

[Weusedtosing]

He hasn't said this outright but it has been implied by a few off-hand remarks.
I fell pregnant very unexpectedly whilst on the contraceptive pill 8 years ago. I lived in rental accommodation with a friend at the time and DH lived alone in his large house which had been largely funded by his affluent parents. My parents are quite poor and so have never helped financially.
He pushed for me to move in with him as soon as possible, despite me telling him that I would be willing to bring the baby up on my own etc as I knew he was in shock at the pregnancy (as we both were).
We both had good jobs and earned a fairly good salary. DC1 came along and I took 9 months maternity leave before returning to work full-time.
I worked in a fast-paced, demanding career and to top it off, was bullied on my return to work. I sought counselling due to a nervous breakdown and they suggested that I reduce my hours to part-time to cope with the juggle of work and home life. DH was clearly not happy about this and became concerned about the reduction in our "quality" of life. Despite my quality of life being awful at that time.
However, he went along with it, but would protest that he should have more disposable income than me because I "wasn't working enough." I was at home with a baby on the days I wasn't working and spending most of my disposable income on the baby anyway.
2 years on (married by this point) we had DC2 who was planned.
I changed to a new job after the bullying continued and DC2 was born with some health issues. I accepted a more part-time role, with a reduced salary in a new job for a second time as I was juggling appointments and was more anxious about leaving DC2 in childcare than I had been with DC1. I did continue to work however and dealt with everything at home so DH could just focus on his work.
He has always resented this and thinks I should have been able to manage working and home life. DH however does very little at home.
DH has made comments that we would have more money if it were up to him etc. He will also say that I would have nothing now if it wasn't for him as I was in rental accommodation when I met him. I was however more career driven that him and have no doubt that I would have had promotions and salary increases had we not had children.

I am now initiating divorce from him (several reasons for this) and he has told me that he has a plan for himself to make more money following the separation. He says that he will not be purchasing a home for himself but intends to move in with his affluent parents, buying run down properties and "doing them up" in his own time himself. This is to try and make more money, however he's chosen this path over creating a second stable home for DCs when they stay with him (he wants 50/50 custody!) He seems to think that his parents will accept the DCs living with them half the time and I've no doubt he will expect them to take care of DCs whilst he transforms all these properties he's planning on renovating.
He has made comments that he feels envious of his friends who seem to have better jobs and salaries than him and that he thought he would be much better off financially than he actually is now. He wants to be affluent likes his parents who both juggled FT work through having their own successful businesses throughout his childhood.
He makes me feel guilty for feeling the need to be around for our young children. I will be returning to work FT in January as both DCs are now at school.
I'm a bit saddened by his attitude and his clear lack of value for the role I've played in our family,but there's guilt there for me too. Maybe I have made him poorer through the choices I've made. I thought there was more to life though.

Are you married to my ex partner?

So glad you’re divorcing this cunt - please try to not let him continue to rent space in your head for fre. I allowed it - ended up having a breakdown, anc lost both my children.

Don’t let a count do that to you

Well two things here

• having the dcs 50/50 he might well finally realise how much work it takes.
• i don’t know how old his parents are but they might well not agree or be able to take on childcare duties.

I think he is in for a shock if this is his plan.

That’s wo talking about the fact he is putting himself and his need to have money way before anyone else, incl his own dcs.

I’m also going through a divorce after 18 years and 2 dc. I have worked mostly part time since the children were born but been back to full time work around 4 years. My soon to be ex husband has spent every possible second he can of this divorce telling me how I have contributed nothing to the marriage and he’s the one who can prove he’s the best parent because he has the receipts! It’s all absolute bullshit. He has been compiling a spreadsheet to show every penny he has spent on our home/cars/holidays in the last 18 years 😂. He’s going to be very upset when he has to part with some money in the divorce but I will be free 🖕.

I hope you've got a shit hot lawyer and you're not agreeing a financial settlement between yourselves. I'd also challenge the 50/50 parenting if he's planning to leave the dc with his parents. I suspect he's suggested this as it then means he doesn't have to pay child maintenance

I second the shit hot lawyer OP. He sounds horrible, you need to be compensated for the time you have wasted with this man.

He has less disposable income because he helped to create 2 children, which cost money, fact. Just because you gave birth to them, doesn't mean you are any more responsible for their existence than he is. While you were looking after the children, he had opportunity to further his career, but hasn't, so that is down to him. Having second child was also a joint, planned decision.
Now, let's suppose you had stayed full time, like he thinks he would of wanted you to. What would of happened? Apart from spending more money on childcare, you may between you have had more disposable. Sounds good on the surface, but would he have really ever stepped up and done 50% of the cooking, cleaning and childcare out of work hours, or would he have still left it down to you? I think it's safe to say, given the eagerness and expectation that his parents will in future do his half of the childcare, he would of taken you for a total mug and would of driven you into the ground.
From what you say, if you'd kept your career going, you'd be earning more than him by now - more reason that he would feel bitter than he currently is, and all his own making.
The best thing you did, was marry him, so now you have rights to the assets you share whether in his sole name or not. Get what you can asset wise as going 50/50 is to avoid payment of future maintenance ( but could help your career too). Also, it sounds like his plan to work for himself could be a way for him to hide his income. So half savings and assets, and some of his pension that you have helped him accrue would be reasonable.
Then enjoy the rest of your life without him

I would fight him on the 50/50 - it's probably to avoid paying maintenance. Plus it doesn't really sound suitable - is it near their school? And I presume he will be doing 50/50 of all school holidays too, right?

If you can walk away in the divorce with enough to live on with relying on maintenance don't fight the 50/50 at this point. He'll find our for himself if it's unmanageable and his parents are either going to accept him living with them full time plus the DC 50% of the time or they won't. Men I find only deal with things when they are smacking them in the mouth. He won't have thought the whole 50/50 thing through in the same way you would and won't be told that it's unmanageable- he's just going to have to find that out for himself.

Don't beat yourself up, you have no reason to feel guilty. He should never have been a parent with the views he is expressing. Sounds like he's Projecting his dissatisfaction at his own lack of achievement by trying to blame you. Go for whatever you can get and move on. Leave him to amass his wealth by himself and have a childcare solution ready for when he invariably decides 50/50 is not for him. Are his parents likely to indulge him?

without relying on maintenance

....and sick days, and Drs appointments/dentist appointments/Birthdays/Christmas admin/school events/homework/activities/clothing/emotional labour/personal care....

My money’s on ‘nope - mine doesn’t.

If he's moving in with his parents to fanny about 'renovating properties' don't rely on child support - get as much as you can in assets

And he doesn't look after the children so obviously no 50/50 - he can have them every other weekend like every other useless ex out there

And stop talking to him/texting him and block him - that way you don't have to listen to him whining on about how he wanted to be rich but bad baby maker wouldn't let him

He's a fucking turd and you are well rid

Well yes. He is poorer because he had kids. So is everyone that has children... because children cost money. What is his point ?

We'd all be a lot richer if we hadn't had children. And more advanced in our careers, with fewer grey hairs, thinner, more stylish ...

You are going to be tempted to jump in and do DC medical appointments, dentist and other caring duties that fall on his 50%. Don't. Whatever you do, don't bail him out on emergency childcare ever. 50% is 50% and he needs to sort emergency childcare. Make him suffer for being a disgusting tight arse. The DC are safe with their father and grandparents, so there's no need for you to 'rescue' them. Enjoy your time to yourself. Date someone lovely and do well in your career.

@sophmum31 wow. He said he's contributed more because he has "receipts?!"
Some men genuinely believe that money is the only thing of value in this world don't they. Because they can't see the value of something materialistically, it just doesn't exist to them.

It's a relief to read so many supportive messages. After a while, you start to believe what they think or imply. DH had never even had a girlfriend before me, so I've no doubt that if we hadn't have had children together, he probably wouldn't have any by now.
I sense some resentment from him where the children and family are concerned although he would never admit it. His parents don't help matters when they say things like "another year or two and you will have your lives back again as the DCs won't need you so much."
But DH spent much of his childhood in childcare whilst his parents worked and "lived" in their minds I guess.
I've dedicated my life to the children and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Regarding the 50/50 childcare, I'm not at all concerned because there is no way he is having that level of custody. He doesn't really have the time, he just likes the idea of it. I think he knows deep down that they will be with me most of the time. He also will give in to the maintenance requests as he hates wasting any money and he particularly hates wasting money on pointless legal costs.

I know he'll back down.

I agree get as much as you can asset wise in the divorce, he will get some no income set up so he doesn’t have to pay you. How do you feel about trying 50/50? Maybe for a trial period? If you do go with it, or if he gets it in court tell him you won’t do a medical appt or school pick up on his time unless it also comes with an extra night. Don’t end up doing 90/10 but only 50/50 of nights.

So glad you are going to be free of this asshole

Beware about going back to full time work before settlements and divorce is finalised. He may see £ signs and try to get some sort of support from you!

Also discuss a clean break with your solicitor.

It sounds to me like he will shirk all responsibilities living with his parents who can offer meals, cleaning, childcare, free accommodation, no bills. Again failing to take responsibility and acting like a man child not living in the real world. He places no value on childcare and running the home. This is your issue

I have a slightly different take on this from everyone else. You made a choice to go part time - you could have stayed in a full time role and actually it sounds like that change wasn't by mutual agreement. Additionally if he wants to move in with his parents and make money doing up houses I can't see an issue with that. It will be his home. If grandparents are watching them whilst he is a work that's no different to many working families. Before you know it they will be at school during the day anyway. Providing he is giving them a warm, safe and comfortable environment I can't see the issue. It sounds like you want things done your way. He let you do it your way when he was married and if you are divorced he no longer has to take heed to that.

Start talking practicality with him. Which days youll have the kids because you need to have a setup which works for you work wise. Splitting the weekdays and weekends in half seems fair. I suggest a Saturday tea time to Wednesday split to you and Wednesday school pick up to Saturday tea time with him

It is fact of life that some people have more money than others. If he thinks he can make a fortune renovating properties he is in for a shock. We did up our last home and we lost money. I think the days of property developers making a fortune are over. But regardless let him crack on. If he wants 50/50 embrace it. I doubt it will last even if his DM does the childcare. He sounds a very bitter man

Well done for divorcing him! His attitude says everything about him and nothing about you. Try not to feel sad about it, just take it as further proof splitting is the right decision.

Such a common attitude from misogynist men.

The thing is, deep down, they believe that women are responsible for children. So even losing 50% of their freedom makes them feel they have lost too much freedom. Most mothers would be delighted to be able to still genuinely enjoy 50% of the freedom available when their child has another parent.

This type of man does not believe that 50% of the loss of freedom should be his. It should be YOURS.

He does not believe that 50% of the expenses of parenthood should be his. Some, perhaps, but he wants 80% of the credit for meeting 30% of the financial hit of parenthood.

Parenthood should be something that costs mothers more than it costs fathers and a lot of men believe that very deeply and you cannot get through to them.

That's why when they split up, divorce, need to sort out any kind of co-parenting or maintenance arrangements, they blame you.

This type of man also denies the pay gap exists I find.

He's not planning on giving up his FT job @gottakeeponmovin he's planning on doing all these renovations at evenings and weekends when he's supposed to be caring for the children.

Once you are free of him I reckon you'll realise you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. As your kids get older you will really be glad if the relationship you've built with them. You are to be congratulated for initiating divorce from this absolute knobwangler.