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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He thinks I've made him poor

64 replies

Weusedtosing · 20/11/2020 15:01

He hasn't said this outright but it has been implied by a few off-hand remarks.
I fell pregnant very unexpectedly whilst on the contraceptive pill 8 years ago. I lived in rental accommodation with a friend at the time and DH lived alone in his large house which had been largely funded by his affluent parents. My parents are quite poor and so have never helped financially.
He pushed for me to move in with him as soon as possible, despite me telling him that I would be willing to bring the baby up on my own etc as I knew he was in shock at the pregnancy (as we both were).
We both had good jobs and earned a fairly good salary. DC1 came along and I took 9 months maternity leave before returning to work full-time.
I worked in a fast-paced, demanding career and to top it off, was bullied on my return to work. I sought counselling due to a nervous breakdown and they suggested that I reduce my hours to part-time to cope with the juggle of work and home life. DH was clearly not happy about this and became concerned about the reduction in our "quality" of life. Despite my quality of life being awful at that time.
However, he went along with it, but would protest that he should have more disposable income than me because I "wasn't working enough." I was at home with a baby on the days I wasn't working and spending most of my disposable income on the baby anyway.
2 years on (married by this point) we had DC2 who was planned.
I changed to a new job after the bullying continued and DC2 was born with some health issues. I accepted a more part-time role, with a reduced salary in a new job for a second time as I was juggling appointments and was more anxious about leaving DC2 in childcare than I had been with DC1. I did continue to work however and dealt with everything at home so DH could just focus on his work.
He has always resented this and thinks I should have been able to manage working and home life. DH however does very little at home.
DH has made comments that we would have more money if it were up to him etc. He will also say that I would have nothing now if it wasn't for him as I was in rental accommodation when I met him. I was however more career driven that him and have no doubt that I would have had promotions and salary increases had we not had children.

I am now initiating divorce from him (several reasons for this) and he has told me that he has a plan for himself to make more money following the separation. He says that he will not be purchasing a home for himself but intends to move in with his affluent parents, buying run down properties and "doing them up" in his own time himself. This is to try and make more money, however he's chosen this path over creating a second stable home for DCs when they stay with him (he wants 50/50 custody!) He seems to think that his parents will accept the DCs living with them half the time and I've no doubt he will expect them to take care of DCs whilst he transforms all these properties he's planning on renovating.
He has made comments that he feels envious of his friends who seem to have better jobs and salaries than him and that he thought he would be much better off financially than he actually is now. He wants to be affluent likes his parents who both juggled FT work through having their own successful businesses throughout his childhood.
He makes me feel guilty for feeling the need to be around for our young children. I will be returning to work FT in January as both DCs are now at school.
I'm a bit saddened by his attitude and his clear lack of value for the role I've played in our family,but there's guilt there for me too. Maybe I have made him poorer through the choices I've made. I thought there was more to life though.

OP posts:
Weusedtosing · 21/11/2020 09:19

He denies the pay gap @owlOne and will say that it's a woman's choice to work PT, there are "childcare options." Does not value when childcare is done by the mother and does not understand a mother's need to provide that care to very young children. On the flip side, he resents having to clean his own home and says that a clean home is of "no value" to him so why should he clean it. Also leaves medical appointments etc to me. He sorts anything to do with finances like mortgages and insurances etc.
He often says that if men complained about women the way feminists do about men, there would be uproar. He genuinely believes that men are treated poorly in society.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 21/11/2020 10:02

PP saying OP chose to work part time: the facts that her MH was suffering from bullying on top of the demanding nature of the work and that one of the DC had additional health issues does suggest it wasn't just a lifestyle preference. Not to mention a husband who seems to think that all household labour, barring the "manly" ones involving bits of paper, are down to her whether she's working full-time or not. That she was able to work part-time at all is fairly impressive IMO.

I'd add that if his attitude stems from his parents having prioritised their careers over bringing him up, it's a good argument for OP doing it differently and actually spending time with her children.

TinkerPony · 21/11/2020 10:16

Lol he hate cleaning his own home so how he gonna clean his "properties"
Keep to yourself and watch him hopefully if he buys property while going thru the separation process make a claim on them as marriage assests to get your share.
And why not let his parents know in advance, get in there before him where he plan to live - with them.
It seem they not close. How xome if they had him in childcare why didnt he dmfollow oh no didnt want to use gis moneyHmm
I honestly think they will be horrified that their son want to return to them to be their cocklodger Grin

turquoiseseaside · 21/11/2020 10:50

OP just make sure you have a good lawyer. That will sort you out properly. He's probably too tight to pay for a good one himself.
Remember dh only has his wonderful job because he also has a lot of 'free childcare' aka you.
As a pp has said he'll probably try everything on just to ensure you get less . A good lawyer will ensure you get fair pay for your contribution to your family and marriage.

OwlOne · 21/11/2020 11:02

@Weusedtosing

He denies the pay gap *@owlOne* and will say that it's a woman's choice to work PT, there are "childcare options." Does not value when childcare is done by the mother and does not understand a mother's need to provide that care to very young children. On the flip side, he resents having to clean his own home and says that a clean home is of "no value" to him so why should he clean it. Also leaves medical appointments etc to me. He sorts anything to do with finances like mortgages and insurances etc. He often says that if men complained about women the way feminists do about men, there would be uproar. He genuinely believes that men are treated poorly in society.
Sounds like my x. Go in to court showing that you want the freedom to work and the freedom to earn. My solicitor was a sexist fool and thought he had done a great job when i got the same amount awarded to me for maintenance as the lone parent allowance. I had to get before the judge to have my say. I distanced myself a little from identifying as a mother solely. Ie, my point was i want the sacrifices of parenthood made equal. I was lucky the second job had respect for that right of mine. My x had no respect for my rights. My solicitor thought i should be delighted with "free" money (a pittance that would not have covered childcare for one nevermind two).

I work now. My own solicitor was suchba fool and a baffoon. He said to me "it's important your dd doesnt become a manhater". Eh what??? So he literally saw me assertingvan equal right to a life as man hating. I tried to warn him my x was a narcissist and he just pinned it on me being a manhater! My solicitor never said "it's important yr son doesnt treat women like he hates them"

OwlOne · 21/11/2020 11:03

Second judge i mean. Not second job!!

lazylinguist · 21/11/2020 11:08

He sounds like total misogynist wanker, OP. Congratulations in advance for getting shot of him.

EarthSight · 21/11/2020 12:14

Maybe he values money and status more than his children.

turquoiseseaside · 21/11/2020 13:15

@OwlOne you're right, get a good lawyer OP preferable one who works in divorce & family law, they are used to all the games and will help you.

GreenlandTheMovie · 21/11/2020 19:36

I know a few men like this (financially set up by wealthy parents/ no real need to work or push hard in their careers) and all the ones I know have followed this path. In fact, most of them are single and go from one girlfriend to another. A lot of them have a vanity business rather than a proper job, having given up the proper job at some stage in the past.

To be honest here, the relationship didn't get off to a great start and if it wasn't for your pregnancy, you might have been just one of his girlfriends. At least you've only wasted 8 years of your life on him!

DoctorManhattan · 21/11/2020 20:56

His entire attitude stinks of “I could have been a contender!”

Remind him OP that there are many financially successful men out there who - shock! Horror! - have families too. If he has not reached the level of affluency that he feels he should have, that’s entirely on him and not you.

AcornAutumn · 21/11/2020 21:07

@EarthSight

Maybe he values money and status more than his children.
Yes, he does and he’s realised too late.

He shouldn’t be blaming you.

Can you stick to minimum chat for the legal stuff and the children? No reason you should listen to him blathering on, you’re rid of him. You can be pleasant of course, but don’t give him time to moan on about what he could have done.

Herja · 21/11/2020 21:22

I am so glad to hear you're divorcing this tosser. No advice, just wanted to wishe you well.

And also, the idea his parents, who themselves viewed him as a a bit of a nuisance as a child, are going to drop their lives to do his childcare for him? GrinGrinGrin

Good luck with the divorce OP. I really hope it all goes well for you in your new life.

LAgeDeRaisin · 21/11/2020 22:18

OP you have done a wonderful job as a mother and a worker and you should be proud of yourself with your contribution to both your children and society.

Do not let this narcissistic soggy wank sock dictate otherwise.

SHL. They will be able to get you what you are due and what is fair. You have value, and the time you spent with your children has value, and your husband will find out exactly how much that is.

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